if you've been broken up with / broken hearted

[headinthecloud]

Bump for the recently broken hearted. Be strong. This too shall pass.

[barky2]

Hey barky,

 

Love the no-nonsense approach here. Bet you must have gotten really fed up with that rollercoaster of splitting up and getting back together again.

 

Would appreciate any feedback on my (new) thread.

 

Recent break-up over seriousness of relationship

 

Sure I'll take a look.

 

 

 

Barky

[battlehard]

Hi Barky

 

Long story short, 5 months post break up, 3 months NC. She broke up with me. We have mutual friends who we both see a lot but not at the same time. After a big group of us met up a few weeks ago she told our mutual female friend she wouldn't mind being in the same place as me. How would you take this and what would you do? Does this say to you she really just doesn't care at all anymore? Or that she might be having second thoughts and wants to investigate them? If not either of those, then what? She hates awkward situations so this came as a surprise to me. It's a big group of friends who we both only sometimes see so I don't think it's because it's restricting us. Also, would you advise on me agreeing to being in the same place?

 

Thanks, Mitchell.

[barky2]

I think, she thinks she's ready to see you, and very well may be further in the healing process than you.

 

If you're not ready, don't subject yourself to it.

 

Second thoughts? If she wanted a second chance, you'd be the first I know.

 

Best thing to do is man just stay away. If she's going to/ possibly be somewhere , don't go. Not worth setting you back.

 

And if you think you're ready, I want you to invision her coming up to you and telling you about how much she loves her new boyfriend.

 

See what I mean?

 

No shame in not being ready, I'm sure you, and your friends would understand.

 

 

 

Barky

[battlehard]

I think, she thinks she's ready to see you, and very well may be further in the healing process than you.

 

If you're not ready, don't subject yourself to it.

 

Second thoughts? If she wanted a second chance, you'd be the first I know.

 

Best thing to do is man just stay away. If she's going to/ possibly be somewhere , don't go. Not worth setting you back.

 

And if you think you're ready, I want you to invision her coming up to you and telling you about how much she loves her new boyfriend.

 

See what I mean?

 

No shame in not being ready, I'm sure you, and your friends would understand.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Thanks for the reply dude.

 

I think she definitely is further along healing than me, in fact, my concern is that her being ready to see me means she doesn't even slightly care anymore. My hope is she's using it to test herself but again that's probably just hope. We don't live that close to each other or work together and these friends aren't our best closest friends so it was fairly assumed we'd never see each other again.

 

I just didn't expect this turn in events.

 

The reason I'm even asking is I'm simply not healing, I've followed all the advice and done everything I can and I'm right back to where I was the week after I got dumped.

 

Do you think seeing her would harm any remaining chance I have of getting her back in the future? I know I need to try to let go of that and for a while I did but it just won't stay away.

 

Thanks again man.

[barky2]

Honestly?

 

Ya.

 

If she saw you, sad down and out depressed she'd lose even just that much more respect/attraction towards you.

 

Think of how you were when you first met her.

 

Are you anything like that right now?

 

That should be your short term goal, get to where and how you were when y'all first met.

 

I'm sure you were happy, confident and outgoing.

 

Now you're not.

 

If she's talking about you I'm sure your own her mind, but that doesn't mean she wants to be with you.

 

You guys were apart of each other's life, it's normal.

 

But my suggestion, Is I'd stay away from her until you're completely healed and back to who you once were.

 

Anything less, ya it's not good.

 

 

Barky

[battlehard]

Honestly?

 

Ya.

 

If she saw you, sad down and out depressed she'd lose even just that much more respect/attraction towards you.

 

Think of how you were when you first met her.

 

Are you anything like that right now?

 

That should be your short term goal, get to where and how you were when y'all first met.

 

I'm sure you were happy, confident and outgoing.

 

Now you're not.

 

If she's talking about you I'm sure your own her mind, but that doesn't mean she wants to be with you.

 

You guys were apart of each other's life, it's normal.

 

But my suggestion, Is I'd stay away from her until you're completely healed and back to who you once were.

 

Anything less, ya it's not good.

 

 

Barky

 

A few drinks down and some good people around and I'm the life of the party, outgoing and talking to everyone. Big gatherings are the only time I don't struggle actually. .

 

The last time she saw me I was that down, sad, desperate guy no girl wants. I'm still like that sometimes but those big gatherings are where I shine. We'd met a few times before but the night she said she realised she loved me was at a similar event.

 

If I was able to be that way despite her presence and not pay much attention to her (a big part of me knows she doesn't deserve it anyway), could it do my chances good in your opinion? I know there's no facts and every situation is different you just have a good head on your shoulders.

 

Really appreciate it

[barky2]

IMO , the only thing that can improve you chances is ANYTHING including your HAPPINESS is to get back to that guy you were before you met her.

 

That's the trick.

 

Everything else is just a bonus.

 

 

 

Barky

[erklat]

Care to check my thread, barky? I'd appreciate your insight too.

[battlehard]

IMO , the only thing that can improve you chances is ANYTHING including your HAPPINESS is to get back to that guy you were before you met her.

 

That's the trick.

 

Everything else is just a bonus.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Last question from me. So you think if I can be HAPPY and enjoy my night and show her I am fine without her and don't bring up the past..that it could be a good thing to attend?

[barky2]

Last question from me. So you think if I can be HAPPY and enjoy my night and show her I am fine without her and don't bring up the past..that it could be a good thing to attend?

 

Re read what I've wrote bro.

 

Absolutely not.

 

Way too soon.

 

She'll see through your facade and the fake smile.

 

You may be all happy on the outside, but people sense your energy.

 

Take some time for yourself.

 

 

 

Barky

[jim2]

Howdy Barky, amazing and inspirational post.

 

I'm really struggling with a break up at the moment. I'm still madly in love with my ex and she simply is not in love with me. She ended it on December 5th. I begged for a while but we've been NC for 1.5 months, kind of mutually agreed. I blocked her on facebook, I deleted her number, everything. I have recently found out through my brother (his friend told him) that she wants to be friends with me. That she sees no way back for us, shes enjoying her new life but shed like to be friends because im a good guy.

 

I am not ready to be friends with her and I doubt I ever will be.

 

I just want to know if this fits in with your theory.

Did you hear all of that? that she just wanted to be friends, she saw no way back?

 

I know I almost certainly wont get her back I just want to know if this situation changes anything about your theory in recovery/reconciliation.

[jim2]

Re read what I've wrote bro.

 

Absolutely not.

 

Way too soon.

 

She'll see through your facade and the fake smile.

 

You may be all happy on the outside, but people sense your energy.

 

Take some time for yourself.

 

 

Barky

 

Slightly similar to my situation I guess. You said to tell all mutual friends you're doing fine and you've recovered, wouldn't then turning down a place because she is there tell her and everyone that in fact you have not even slightly recovered?

[barky2]

Howdy Barky, amazing and inspirational post.

 

I'm really struggling with a break up at the moment. I'm still madly in love with my ex and she simply is not in love with me. She ended it on December 5th. I begged for a while but we've been NC for 1.5 months, kind of mutually agreed. I blocked her on facebook, I deleted her number, everything. I have recently found out through my brother (his friend told him) that she wants to be friends with me. That she sees no way back for us, shes enjoying her new life but shed like to be friends because im a good guy.

 

I am not ready to be friends with her and I doubt I ever will be.

 

I just want to know if this fits in with your theory.

Did you hear all of that? that she just wanted to be friends, she saw no way back?

 

I know I almost certainly wont get her back I just want to know if this situation changes anything about your theory in recovery/reconciliation.

 

 

 

Of course it does!!

 

Can you picture her saying how much she loves her new bf?

 

Or she went out on a date with some new guy?

 

Until then you cannot be friends.

 

Being her friend = doormat.

 

Show her your self worth and tell her to buzz off and only contact to if she wants to reconcile.

 

Dude no way don't do it .

 

 

 

Barky

[barky2]

Slightly similar to my situation I guess. You said to tell all mutual friends you're doing fine and you've recovered, wouldn't then turning down a place because she is there tell her and everyone that in fact you have not even slightly recovered?

 

I don't think I said to tell anyone you're doing well and recovered.. I think I ment she is doing well and recovering.

 

My advice is always to stay away from mutual gatherings because if you put on a front, they'll see right through it.

 

And even if you think you're recovered, and you're truly not, seeing them will tear down your wall and facade.

 

Stay away until you're ok with hearing them talk about their new lover.

 

Until that point, focus everything in your being to become that happy go luck guy again and truly happy.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[jim2]

Of course it does!!

 

Can you picture her saying how much she loves her new bf?

 

Or she went out on a date with some new guy?

 

Until then you cannot be friends.

 

Being her friend = doormat.

 

Show her your self worth and tell her to buzz off and only contact to if she wants to reconcile.

 

Dude no way don't do it .

 

 

 

Barky

 

Cool man, thank you for the reply.

 

I don't see us ever being friends, I just frickin don't.

 

So you really have been in the situation/heard of the situation where a girl just wants to be your friend and sees no way back then months or years later ends up wanting you back? I just don't understand people then!

[barky2]

Lol ya a good friend of mine.

 

Had a bitter end with his gf. He tried to get her back but she just wanted to be friends.

 

He blew her off for almost a year, he went out and partied , hooked up.

 

She jumped into a relationship about 6 months after the break up, it failed at month 10.

 

She texts me wondering why he won't respond to her.

 

Imagine that.

 

He flipped the script on her.

 

So ya it does happen, if they really just want to be friends, they checked out along time ago.

 

And usually only come back when their life isn't goin good, get the ego boost, and venture right back out of your life again.

 

Leave it be. If she Wants to be with you, you'll be the first to know.

 

 

 

Barky

[jim2]

 

So ya it does happen, if they really just want to be friends, they checked out along time ago.

 

And usually only come back when their life isn't goin good, get the ego boost, and venture right back out of your life again.

 

Leave it be. If she Wants to be with you, you'll be the first to know.

 

Barky

 

She is currently long gone, I need to follow suite and be long gone too. Time to let go.

 

No idea what the future holds for us but guessing can only get in my way of moving on.

 

Thanks man

[Grumbles]

So ya it does happen, if they really just want to be friends, they checked out along time ago.

 

Hey Barky,

 

Just a quick question about this...do you think it's always the case?

 

My ex asked to be friends at the break, but she never seemed cold or distant leading up to it. Even she said that something felt "off" only a month before.

 

I think she still checked out as soon as she ended it, but it doesn't seem like she was there very long before offering me the "friends" option.

 

I guess she might have been offering it just to make herself feel better and didn't REALLY want to be friends then and there, since that would've been weird.

[barky2]

She is currently long gone, I need to follow suite and be long gone too. Time to let go.

 

No idea what the future holds for us but guessing can only get in my way of moving on.

 

Thanks man

 

Continue to move forward and deal with that headache if it ever comes.

 

 

 

Barky

[barky2]

Hey Barky,

 

Just a quick question about this...do you think it's always the case?

 

My ex asked to be friends at the break, but she never seemed cold or distant leading up to it. Even she said that something felt "off" only a month before.

 

I think she still checked out as soon as she ended it, but it doesn't seem like she was there very long before offering me the "friends" option.

 

I guess she might have been offering it just to make herself feel better and didn't REALLY want to be friends then and there, since that would've been weird.

 

 

 

I think that's just it, relieving some guilt.

 

Tried to lay you down easy.

 

Few exs have said the whole friends thing to me , they didn't want to be my friend anymore when they saw me the next day walking down the hallway with one of their friends.

 

Lol oh to be young and stupid again

 

 

Barky

[Jarell]

Barky Man bro this thread has been a great help to me.

 

can you read my story and give a honest opinion because I am still lost.

 

I'm moving on but still just lost

 

Ex girlfriend and her games.

[thefear]

Wow. This thread really hit me and I just HOPE I can take it in and use it.

 

Barky, why do I see her as the most stunning, kind, flawless person I've ever met? I know she's not, so why? I know we had problems, so WHY can my brain not let me believe them?

 

I think of the great times and forget the bad.

I'm sure she thinks of the bad times and forgets the great.

 

It's the middle of the night and after all this time this is still doing this to me! I just want to be free.

 

She's improved her life, she's got plans. She's doing great and therefore doesn't care about how I'm doing (I got the classic she hopes we can be friends line). I need to stop caring too. In the past several girls who dumped me have come back once I moved on and the thought/hope of that is ironically stopping me move on.

 

Any tips?

 

I don't think I said to tell anyone you're doing well and recovered..

Barky

 

Also, that interests me. What do I say to our mutual friends if they ask? It'll get back to her.

Edited February 26, 2014 by thefear

[barky2]

Wow. This thread really hit me and I just HOPE I can take it in and use it.

 

Barky, why do I see her as the most stunning, kind, flawless person I've ever met? I know she's not, so why? I know we had problems, so WHY can my brain not let me believe them?

 

I think of the great times and forget the bad.

I'm sure she thinks of the bad times and forgets the great.

 

It's the middle of the night and after all this time this is still doing this to me! I just want to be free.

 

She's improved her life, she's got plans. She's doing great and therefore doesn't care about how I'm doing (I got the classic she hopes we can be friends line). I need to stop caring too. In the past several girls who dumped me have come back once I moved on and the thought/hope of that is ironically stopping me move on.

 

Any tips?

 

 

 

Also, that interests me. What do I say to our mutual friends if they ask? It'll get back to her.

 

 

 

 

First off, as you, many of mine have come back also. But it's not until you let go and don't want anything to do with them ...zero nada.

 

Also, you have her on a pedestal, completely normal, every single one of us do/did it, and over time she'll be knocked right off.

 

Biggest thing here is time, This isn't going to happen over night and you won't be healed over night.

 

If you put in the time and effort you will be greatly rewarded, that I promise you.

 

If your mutual friends ask how your doing what do you say?

 

What you're referring too was my reply to Jim, not in general.

 

That doesn't mean you cant lie to friends and tell em you're on top of the world happy.

 

I wouldn't ever give a ex the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting without them

 

Hell no.

 

I just ment in his circumstances , he can tell anyone he wants he's happy, just decline a invitation if There's a chance his ex could be there.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[thefear]

First off, as you, many of mine have come back also. But it's not until you let go and don't want anything to do with them ...zero nada.

 

Also, you have her on a pedestal, completely normal, every single one of us do/did it, and over time she'll be knocked right off.

 

Biggest thing here is time, This isn't going to happen over night and you won't be healed over night.

 

If you put in the time and effort you will be greatly rewarded, that I promise you.

 

If your mutual friends ask how your doing what do you say?

 

What you're referring too was my reply to Jim, not in general.

 

That doesn't mean you cant lie to friends and tell em you're on top of the world happy.

 

I wouldn't ever give a ex the satisfaction of knowing I'm hurting without them

 

Hell no.

 

I just ment in his circumstances , he can tell anyone he wants he's happy, just decline a invitation if There's a chance his ex could be there.

 

 

Barky

 

Appreciate the wisdom bro. So despite the fact I took her for granted and basically pushed her feelings to fade away, she might be like the others and come back in a years time once I'm over it? Women are something I just can't process then!