if you've been broken up with / broken hearted

[Elle1975]

don't go around moping for the rest of your life.

 

There is no time table to when you'll feel better.

 

But I do promise you, if you put forth the effort, you'll be greatly rewarded.

 

 

 

Barky

 

That.. I totally agree... it's a conscious effort, sure, but it pays out.

 

I don't want to waste time crying on someone who does not want me. I did plenty of it. I don't want to do that anymore.

 

And summer is almost here.. I want to be skinny and enjoy it! Not be mopping around in my sweat pants.. blah..

[barky2]

@Barky

 

Can you elaborate on "vanishing off the face of the earth"?

 

Is that basically NC? Or do you mean going dark on all social media as well (not just disconnecting but blocking the ex from seeing anything about you)?

 

And vanishing completely, is that more so in the immediate aftermath or forever? Or until you reach indifference?

 

Vanishing off social media because you need to focus everything on healing and your healing.

 

You might have the urge to check something, or see something that you didn't want to see..kind of turns into ignorance is bliss.

 

It ties in with nc, because part of that is not looking at their fb or anything.

 

Another reason is, if you're constantly posting sad stuff, it honestly makes you look worse in other peoples eyes.

 

I mean how many of us sees that one person on fb who constantly writes during a breakup how sad they are, and were like wtf are you posting that for?

 

Trying to make you not be one of those people.

 

 

And vanish until you're ready to handle whatever might be thrown at you when you log back in.

 

If there's a chance something might set you back, what's the point of going on?

 

We got along fine without the internet before, true friends have your phone number.

 

Bottom line, you need to focus on yourself.

 

Not how you'll be perceived to a ex, but how you'll get better.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[FredJones80]

Barky,

 

Just wanted to clear something up. Your initial post "they all come back" probably gives a lot of people hope (although not me as I don't expect it)

 

Further through the thread you say that you were the dumper, which as most people here are likely to be the dumpee means that the situation is completely different.

 

Further on again you say you got every "dumpee's" dream.

 

Just wondering which one you were and why it appears to change mid-way?

[Elle1975]

Barky,

 

Just wanted to clear something up. Your initial post "they all come back" probably gives a lot of people hope (although not me as I don't expect it)

 

Further through the thread you say that you were the dumper, which as most people here are likely to be the dumpee means that the situation is completely different.

 

Further on again you say you got every "dumpee's" dream.

 

Just wondering which one you were and why it appears to change mid-way?

 

If I remember right, Barky was the dumpee then the dumper in the same relationship. Could be wrong but I think it's what happened.

[barky2]

Barky,

 

Just wanted to clear something up. Your initial post "they all come back" probably gives a lot of people hope (although not me as I don't expect it)

 

Further through the thread you say that you were the dumper, which as most people here are likely to be the dumpee means that the situation is completely different.

 

Further on again you say you got every "dumpee's" dream.

 

Just wondering which one you were and why it appears to change mid-way?

 

 

I was the initial dumper.

 

Who then realized his mistake and tried everything to get her back.

 

Then we got back, I was happy and she dumped me.

 

Then I went through the motions of being a dumpee.

 

Then one day she called out of the blue wanting to try again after letting go, it was almost a year we didn't talk.

 

And i realized nothing had changed in our relationship.

 

And we decided to part ways.

 

No in a nutshell, I was the dumper, had dumpers regret, then turning into the dumpee, and feeling like I just got dumped.

 

Definitely not the normal story lol.

 

 

 

Barky

[barky2]

But also, don't get it twisted, I didn't have it easier than anyone.

 

It took along time to move on and get happy.

 

And I said " they always come back" because I've had every ex come back at one point or another in my life.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[STM206]

But also, don't get it twisted, I didn't have it easier than anyone.

 

It took along time to move on and get happy.

 

And I said " they always come back" because I've had every ex come back at one point or another in my life.

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Come back as in wanting you back or just reaching out to talk eventually?

[barky2]

Come back as in wanting you back or just reaching out to talk eventually?

 

I don't want anyone having false hope based on what I say.

 

What happened with me is my story, so I'll answer based on me and my story.

 

Reconciliation.

 

They all wanted to get back together.

 

Some took 10+ years.

 

But I can't reiterate it enough, what happened with me, is me.

 

Everyone, and their situation is different.

 

 

 

Barky

[FredJones80]

I was the initial dumper.

 

Who then realized his mistake and tried everything to get her back.

 

Then we got back, I was happy and she dumped me.

 

Then I went through the motions of being a dumpee.

 

Then one day she called out of the blue wanting to try again after letting go, it was almost a year we didn't talk.

 

Ah that clears it up, so you being the initial dumper was a short split phase, the year split was after she dumped you.

 

I understand you not wanting to give anyone hope though, I think people cling on to EVERY word of any tiny success.

 

I just want to clear it up for my own mind, its an interesting turn of events, not something I'm going to try and squeeze, shape and press in to my own situation, others should do the same.

 

Nice ending though.

[Elle1975]

I was the initial dumper.

 

Who then realized his mistake and tried everything to get her back.

 

Then we got back, I was happy and she dumped me.

 

Then I went through the motions of being a dumpee.

 

Then one day she called out of the blue wanting to try again after letting go, it was almost a year we didn't talk.

 

And i realized nothing had changed in our relationship.

 

And we decided to part ways.

 

No in a nutshell, I was the dumper, had dumpers regret, then turning into the dumpee, and feeling like I just got dumped.

 

Definitely not the normal story lol.

 

 

 

Barky

 

I wasn't too far off.

[organizedchaos]

Vanishing off social media because you need to focus everything on healing and your healing.

 

You might have the urge to check something, or see something that you didn't want to see..kind of turns into ignorance is bliss.

 

It ties in with nc, because part of that is not looking at their fb or anything.

 

Another reason is, if you're constantly posting sad stuff, it honestly makes you look worse in other peoples eyes.

 

I mean how many of us sees that one person on fb who constantly writes during a breakup how sad they are, and were like wtf are you posting that for?

 

Trying to make you not be one of those people.

 

 

And vanish until you're ready to handle whatever might be thrown at you when you log back in.

 

If there's a chance something might set you back, what's the point of going on?

 

We got along fine without the internet before, true friends have your phone number.

 

Bottom line, you need to focus on yourself.

 

Not how you'll be perceived to a ex, but how you'll get better.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Thanks, Barky. I'm not connected to her on social media, and it's been 9 months now but only last 2 have been strict NC. Previously the longest stretch was a couple weeks before someone would break NC. But looks like neither of us are going to break it anymore. Although, she still maintains a connection to my brother and sister-in-law and even as of this week, I see her occasionally liking things they post - I don't really care, but find it odd she hasn't severed all ties like I did months ago.

 

I've just been debating as to whether I should cut her off completely from any ability to check in on me. My Instagram is public, and knowing her, she looks. Hers is private so I was thinking of going completely dark again.

[barky2]

What happened during those first 7 months?

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[organizedchaos]

What happened during those first 7 months?

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

First three there was LC. Saw each other maybe 3 times. Not connected online, but we'd "like" each others photos on Instagram occasionally. But then I realized it wasn't going anywhere and went NC for two months and blocked her. She texted me on thanksgiving and xmas and I just responded politely and did not engage. End of that stretch in Jan we ran in to each other in the grocery store and that reopened some LC again, reopened my profile, she'd like stuff, until early March when, after one more attempt at my part to have dinner, it all came out about her not wanting to be a stepmom, she'll always love me, blah, blah, blah. And that was it. Nothing since from either side. It has held me back this whole time, but I'm moving on now.

[barky2]

First three there was LC. Saw each other maybe 3 times. Not connected online, but we'd "like" each others photos on Instagram occasionally. But then I realized it wasn't going anywhere and went NC for two months and blocked her. She texted me on thanksgiving and xmas and I just responded politely and did not engage. End of that stretch in Jan we ran in to each other in the grocery store and that reopened some LC again, reopened my profile, she'd like stuff, until early March when, after one more attempt at my part to have dinner, it all came out about her not wanting to be a stepmom, she'll always love me, blah, blah, blah. And that was it. Nothing since from either side. It has held me back this whole time, but I'm moving on now.

 

 

I think it's time to throw in the towel for good...sucks but you need to. I mean you've givin it all you got, with no results.

 

I would stop liking, stop talking, block, delete do whatever you have to do.

 

She lost the right to know what's going on in your life, and it's always good to be mysterious, with them not knowing what's going on.

 

Take the time, implement nc and stay there.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[organizedchaos]

I think it's time to throw in the towel for good...sucks but you need to. I mean you've givin it all you got, with no results.

 

I would stop liking, stop talking, block, delete do whatever you have to do.

 

She lost the right to know what's going on in your life, and it's always good to be mysterious, with them not knowing what's going on.

 

Take the time, implement nc and stay there.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Thanks Barky, it was nearly a 3 year relationship. That's where I'm at. I tried and it's not happening. Towel thrown. And that's why I thought about the vanishing part so it really sinks in to her that I'm gone. I treated her so well too.

 

She's still clinging on by remaining connected to my family and liking their posts occasionally. She may or may not care about my disappearing, but it's really for my peace of mind. At least for awhile.

[jbelle6]

Hey everyone, just hoping for a bit of advice here.

I was broken up with just this Wednesday past so only a few days now. I know I made many mistakes in the relationship being just too needy and clingy with him, we were together a year and a half and I made him my life basically. I would have done anything he asked. Not very exciting or attractive to a man, and I am getting help for those issues so my next relationship will be more healthy.

 

He told me he needs to do this and work on himself, I cried a little bit but said ok, no hard feelings, and there aren't, he's a very kind man. I asked if he was still in love with me and he said "I don't know" (I take that as no). I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind, he said no, he has to do this, but he still wants me in his life. I just said sorry but that's not going to be possible for me. I thanked him for calling and that was that. I didn't want to be desperate and clingy anymore, I won't beg someone to be with me.

 

So, I went downstairs after the call, made my relationship status private and blocked (deleting is NOT enough) him from Facebook. I don't get why people find that part difficult, I don't want to watch him add women or tell them how hot they are or posting pics, and it's none of his business what I'm up to or who I am dating now.

 

 

This morning I woke up to an email. It was a picture he has of me with this message:

 

"You are beautiful. You always have been. I have felt all messed up and lost the last few days. I keep wanting to cry all the time. I passed my test. I don't know how but I did. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS think you are the most gorgeous girl in the world. I miss talking to you."

 

 

 

I'm not sure how to respond to that if at all? Do I ignore it or do I do the quick don't contact me unless you want to work things out message. I think I should ignore it for at least the weekend so he doesn't think I was sitting at home all weekend pining over him. I also should add this was sent after 4am so he could have just been drinking.

Edited May 10, 2014 by jbelle6

[Elle1975]

Hey everyone, just hoping for a bit of advice here.

I was broken up with just this Wednesday past so only a few days now. I know I made many mistakes in the relationship being just too needy and clingy with him, we were together a year and a half and I made him my life basically. I would have done anything he asked. Not very exciting or attractive to a man, and I am getting help for those issues so my next relationship will be more healthy.

 

He told me he needs to do this and work on himself, I cried a little bit but said ok, no hard feelings, and there aren't, he's a very kind man. I asked if he was still in love with me and he said "I don't know" (I take that as no). I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind, he said no, he has to do this, but he still wants me in his life. I just said sorry but that's not going to be possible for me. I thanked him for calling and that was that. I didn't want to be desperate and clingy anymore, I won't beg someone to be with me.

 

So, I went downstairs after the call, made my relationship status private and blocked (deleting is NOT enough) him from Facebook. I don't get why people find that part difficult, I don't want to watch him add women or tell them how hot they are or posting pics, and it's none of his business what I'm up to or who I am dating now.

 

 

This morning I woke up to an email. It was a picture he has of me with this message:

 

"You are beautiful. You always have been. I have felt all messed up and lost the last few days. I keep wanting to cry all the time. I passed my test. I don't know how but I did. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS think you are the most gorgeous girl in the world. I miss talking to you."

 

 

 

I'm not sure how to respond to that if at all? Do I ignore it or do I do the quick don't contact me unless you want to work things out message. I think I should ignore it for at least the weekend so he doesn't think I was sitting at home all weekend pining over him. I also should add this was sent after 4am so he could have just been drinking.

 

Well you don't want to be needy and blocked him on FB, so yes, ignore. Beside it's over, as he says "I will always.." he forgot the "but too bad I don't love you" (love you, or want to, etc..)

[jbelle6]

That was my impression as well, and since the only thing he was complimenting was superficial looks, I think he was just missing something and I don't mean "talking to me".

 

Thank you!

[Elle1975]

That was my impression as well, and since the only thing he was complimenting was superficial looks, I think he was just missing something and I don't mean "talking to me".

 

Thank you!

 

I had the same problem (neediness) in my last relationship. It's a silent killer. At first they find it flattering, cute.. and eventually, they don't find it cute anymore. Only once they realize that, it's over.

 

I know why he sent you this message. He just feels guilty, he probably likes you (I like cheese.. big deal), and he also believes it will make you feel better. Eh.. doesn't mean he's a bastard, as you mentioned he's not.

[jbelle6]

I agree. I will stick to NC, I don't find it that difficult most times, tends to be my defense mechanism. I also don't want to waste time on someone who isn't in love with me even though I am sad and miss him right now.

[FredJones80]

I had the same problem (neediness) in my last relationship. It's a silent killer. At first they find it flattering, cute.. and eventually, they don't find it cute anymore. Only once they realize that, it's over.

 

Elle1975 don't beat yourself up about it, it takes two to end a relationship, if he found it that imposing he could of said "Listen, you're being too needy, we need to work this out or its going to affect our relationship" ... I'm guessing he didn't (unless you tell me otherwise) - If it was that much of an issue he could of told you.

 

You can't change who you are. If you keep bugging someone after they've told you over and over and over and they can't take it then fair enough, but if you're never told or given the chance to change your behaviour then its a little unfair, it takes time to make changes, someone who loves you should give you that time. Only after all attempts to resolve it have failed, then leave.

 

The trouble with over blaming yourself is your next relationship you may try to compensate for it and come over as too uninterested... leading to another break up. We have to be who we are and attempt changes that are possible as needed...

 

My ex wasn't very affectionate, it bugged me, she tried to be more affectionate, it lasted a month and then it went back to normal, I learned to live with it and understand it was just her way... can't change who we are.

[jbelle6]

This is what I wish my ex would have done too, communicated with me a bit just so I could work on it since I really didn't notice until the very end.

I just thought I was loving him, didn't realize I was smothering him. Wish he told me to back off.

[FredJones80]

This is what I wish my ex would have done too, communicated with me a bit just so I could work on it since I really didn't notice until the very end.

I just thought I was loving him, didn't realize I was smothering him. Wish he told me to back off.

 

Again, you are who you are, one man might love you for it, one might hate you for it. It is really up to him to tell you, if he didn't, how are you supposed to know?

[jbelle6]

I suppose that's true. I still feel silly though!

 

 

I am so grateful for this thread, it has been helping me so much with the pain.

To anyone else hurting, I am sure my ex won't be coming back but being gracious about the breakup and going no contact immediately, no begging or pleading, DID help me get some self respect back.

[Zing]

Today is particularly awful for me...I had a dream we got back together and I kissed her, then I was back in my painful reality.

 

I'm still so confused with so many questions and I don't think i was given a fair deal in the break-up at all. The sad fact is that i sensed something was wrong for a couple of weeks, I was making my mistakes, I was too smothering at the end because I lost trust and I was afraid she would cheat on me, and I wasn't supportive enough of her, but she basically refused to give me any straight communication.

 

I even attempted to discuss it with her, why her body language was different, why she hardly wanted to have sex, and all I could get was "I don't know why I'm changing". So instead of discussing anything with me and trying to work through any problem she just ****ing jumps ship at the first hurdle. I don't understand how someone can say things like "I can't imagine my life without you" or "I'll probably never leave you unless you cheated on me(which I did not)", then turn around a few weeks later and dump everything. Some days/weeks it feels like I'm moving on, but honestly I don't think I will ever not love her and somewhere deep down I will always hope she will give me another chance.