if you've been broken up with / broken hearted

[chris9210]

Seems pretty ****. Perhaps her head is just turned by this new douche? Maybe if that messes up she will see what she gave up.

 

You know what, I was actually thinking this last night, that she has been persuaded to think a certain way by this guy, I confronted him about this yesterday when he told me this and he said he has nothing to do with it, but I know differently, I know if he wasn't with her she wouldn't be acting like this, she is nice when she isn't with him even after leaving me. My brother said maybe he is brainwashing her, now he said this in jest and I doubt its true but it did make me wonder whether he does have some kind of control over her, she would never act like this usually, unless its just that she's changed. Anyway I hope you're right, thanks for your reply!

[FredJones80]

You know what, I was actually thinking this last night, that she has been persuaded to think a certain way by this guy, I confronted him about this yesterday when he told me this and he said he has nothing to do with it, but I know differently, I know if he wasn't with her she wouldn't be acting like this, she is nice when she isn't with him even after leaving me. My brother said maybe he is brainwashing her, now he said this in jest and I doubt its true but it did make me wonder whether he does have some kind of control over her, she would never act like this usually, unless its just that she's changed. Anyway I hope you're right, thanks for your reply!

 

It's an odd one, you know someone for so long and you know them inside out, next they're a different person.

 

Perhaps its guilt? My ex used to get extremely defensive when she was feeling guilty or even knew she was in the wrong, it used to end up with her blaming me for something - just the way people deal with things.

 

Personally I'm more of a hold my hands up, it was my fault kinda guy.

 

Don't take it personally, let her be how she wants, you know who is right and who is wrong and deep down you probably know who she is really better than herself.

[chris9210]

It's an odd one, you know someone for so long and you know them inside out, next they're a different person.

 

Perhaps its guilt? My ex used to get extremely defensive when she was feeling guilty or even knew she was in the wrong, it used to end up with her blaming me for something - just the way people deal with things.

 

Personally I'm more of a hold my hands up, it was my fault kinda guy.

 

Don't take it personally, let her be how she wants, you know who is right and who is wrong and deep down you probably know who she is really better than herself.

 

Well she told me she doesn't feel guilty, I confronted her about the fact she said she wants to stay friends and I said its just to ease your own guilt, she says she feels no guilt about anything. Would she say this even if she does feel guilty? You're right about me knowing her better than anyone though, she's told me things she would never tell anyone so I still know her the best, more so than her new boyfriend that's for sure. I guess only time will tell, I just have to sit and wait to see what happens. It just hurts that she doesn't ever want anything to do with me again, its weird that she was so in love with me, wanted to spend all her time with me not long ago, and now this.

[FredJones80]

Well she told me she doesn't feel guilty, I confronted her about the fact she said she wants to stay friends and I said its just to ease your own guilt, she says she feels no guilt about anything. Would she say this even if she does feel guilty? You're right about me knowing her better than anyone though, she's told me things she would never tell anyone so I still know her the best, more so than her new boyfriend that's for sure. I guess only time will tell, I just have to sit and wait to see what happens. It just hurts that she doesn't ever want anything to do with me again, its weird that she was so in love with me, wanted to spend all her time with me not long ago, and now this.

 

I don't know to be honest. Probably only you will know if what she says feels true or not. I know there were plenty of times my ex said something completely against her personality and I could see straight through it. Sometimes she apologised straight away, sometimes later, sometimes not at all. I learnt to not take everything at face value.

 

As I said probably only you will know. Her actions speak louder than her words, if she avoids you then perhaps she has just "changed" - I imagine her judgement is clouded by the new relationship.

[barky2]

You know what, I was actually thinking this last night, that she has been persuaded to think a certain way by this guy, I confronted him about this yesterday when he told me this and he said he has nothing to do with it, but I know differently, I know if he wasn't with her she wouldn't be acting like this, she is nice when she isn't with him even after leaving me. My brother said maybe he is brainwashing her, now he said this in jest and I doubt its true but it did make me wonder whether he does have some kind of control over her, she would never act like this usually, unless its just that she's changed. Anyway I hope you're right, thanks for your reply!

 

Oh she's in lala land.

 

Putting on this facade that she's happy and what not.

 

More than likely he told her she can't come meet you.

 

Don't worry about it dude, put it in your head that it's over.

 

Only be there for the kids.

 

Give you props for not slapping that dude in the mouth...better man than me.

 

 

 

Barky

[barky2]

I don't know how to let go of the way my ex-fiance disrespected me by pursuing my best friend shortly after he ended our engagement. He doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong, and that hurts. I don't know how to let go. Nearly two months later, and I haven't heard a word from him. No apology, no empathy or compassion for how I'm feeling. Just his anger that I blocked him/encouraged my friend to block him for ONE NIGHT, and for sending a FB message to my friend's partner to say how happy I was they were finally together (gain). In the end, my ex sees me as an incredibly manipulative and untrustworthy person. Ugh, barky!

 

You should be counting your blessings!

 

Imagine if he did that while married and with kids?

 

Unfortunately it happened, but you saw his true character.

 

Thing is, you're looking for a sorry when honestly it might be awhile till you get it.

 

He feels he's done nothing wrong, and he'll feel like that till someone drops him on his ass.

 

Best thing you can do is look at the negatives, because that'll make you mad when you're feeling sad.

 

You did honestly, dodge a HUGE bullet and HUGE heartbreak later.

 

Give it some more time, you'll get past this soon enough I promise.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[chris9210]

Oh she's in lala land.

 

Putting on this facade that she's happy and what not.

 

More than likely he told her she can't come meet you.

 

Don't worry about it dude, put it in your head that it's over.

 

Only be there for the kids.

 

Give you props for not slapping that dude in the mouth...better man than me.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Thanks! Believe me I was EXTREMELY tempted to just start laying into him but 1. my kids were there and 2. that would make me look like the worse person, and I want to look like the better option in her eyes, although this may not be possible, me fighting her new love can only make me look like a bad person, so although I was incredibly pissed off, I refrained from giving him the beatdown lol. I just think this is the final nail in the coffin now for me, whatever slim chance I had before of reconciliation is now gone and it saddens me to think of were we are now and the person she has become. Now I will concentrate on healing and finding someone who loves me for me, I've joined a couple dating sites just so I have options but so far, nothing. Thanks for your advice, it just makes sense!

[jt27]

Hey Barky,

 

In your opinion, what would be reasons that they never come back or contact you? Thanks.

[barky2]

Reasons they never come back nor ever contact you again?

 

Idk a million things lol

 

They moved on.

 

They get married and have kids.

 

They are done.

 

You abused them.

 

You verbally or physically hurt them.

 

There life is better without you in it.

 

I could go on for days.

 

But the thing is, don't focus on if they'll get back Intouch with you.

 

Focus on they never will, and live your life that way.

 

If they do, deal with that headache then.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[jt27]

Thanks barky. Just looking for affirmation in letting her go. My guess is she will never come back. She's been cold in the weeks following our break up (1 month ago) and looking back she was pulling away months ago. We actually has a break about a month before the break up. I did a lot of silly thinks in the past couple weeks (NC for the past week) I am accepting it and moving on. Just hard to think someone you were shopping for engagement rings with and said she wants to marry me in the weeks prior to the break up now wants nothing to do with me ever again. Confusion is awful.

[barky2]

Thanks barky. Just looking for affirmation in letting her go. My guess is she will never come back. She's been cold in the weeks following our break up (1 month ago) and looking back she was pulling away months ago. We actually has a break about a month before the break up. I did a lot of silly thinks in the past couple weeks (NC for the past week) I am accepting it and moving on. Just hard to think someone you were shopping for engagement rings with and said she wants to marry me in the weeks prior to the break up now wants nothing to do with me ever again. Confusion is awful.

 

 

I know it all too well my friend.

 

Thing is you need to stop letting your head spin.

 

It's over, it's done.

 

Get mad at how she's treating you.

 

You're single now, go be free man...it's almost the summer!

 

 

 

Barky

[jt27]

You're right Barky. The relationship I knew is gone. Who knows what the future holds for us but regardless, I need to move on and I be guy I was when we met...actually better than that guy! Thanks Barky.

[BriInWonderland]

While I agree that I need to let go it's so hard. I count every day that he doesn't get it in contact with me and I'm too scared to get a rebound or go out and meet someone incase it affects him wanting to come back to me. If I had a guy who loved me enough to beg and cry for me back I'd never leave him. All my exes dumped me and left for other women.

[sooshi]

barky, you're awesome for helping so many people like you've been doing through this thread. Thank you so very much.

[Beebob38]

I see alot of the same things being said, alot of the same questions are being asked so I want everyone to read this thread if you've just been broken up with, desire your ex back ect

 

 

 

The first question everyone asks in a huge panic WHAT CAN I DO?!

 

The very simple answer and I want you to re read this after you read it

 

NOTHING!!!

 

There is NO magical cure.

 

You have to realise this, begging and pleading won't get you anywherw...OK wait maybe it will,maybe they do come back....OUT OF GUILT AND THEY WILL BE GONE AGAIN A SHORT TIME AFTER.

 

You need to face reality, that yes, your relationship has ended.

 

Its over.

 

OK. So now we get that down....please...if you have still any doubts I want you to re read it before reading on.

 

So now, what the heck do I do?

 

You drop off the face of the earth and you COMPLETELY focus every bit of your being into making yourself happy again.

 

No one can make you happy but yourself.

 

NOONE.

 

Go to the gym, hangout with family and friend...do not sit in the house

 

You have no idea how important that is to get ur buns off the couch or out of bed.

 

The world is beautiful.

 

Every single member on here, past and present has been thru a heart break....as have I. I know the pain. I fought it for so long. Until I saw the light that everyone on Ls was screaming at me.

 

LET GO. NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE THE SITUATION RIGHT NOW.

 

OK so pressing on.

 

Undoubtedly you've begged and pleaded and it didn't work.

 

Duh. Stop now. Pick up ur balls or boobs and face the demons fighting and haunting you....get mad! Go look in the mirror and say bring it on! Scream!! Cry!! Let it out!!!

 

So what happens if you've been dumped, they start seeing someone ect.

 

Big freakin deal.

 

Wait what?

 

Yea who gives a crap.

 

Sex is just that sex. They don't have a emotional bond like you guys who.

 

My ex came back, that was the first thing she said, it was better with you because we made love...just didn't knock skins.

 

Now I'm not saying to do what I did, ( I went out and got some the min I found out she was with someone just so i in my crazy head figured wed be even) but it did help later down the road.

 

You have to realise something, what they are now getting is the physical fun part of the relationship....they are missing the emotional aide that you've always provided.

 

The inevitable BREACRUMB.

 

HI how are you I miss u I love you blah blah blah SHUT IT.

 

Do not respond...its so critical you do not give them a damn inch on this.

 

Most people ask how long do rebounds last.

 

One person gave me the best answer..." could be the first burp or fart ...or 100years".

 

Don't sit down and wait on it, it could last forever.

 

My rebound lasted a month while my ex pulled nc on me...it drove me nuts. I realized who I really loved.

 

My (ex's) rebound lasted 3 months...BC I begged and sat around, she admitted to me if I left her alone she would have come back sooner.

 

You guys, you need to LEAVE THEM ALONE AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

 

I ONLY GOT MINE BACK AFTER LETTING GO, LEAVING IT TO A HIGHER POWER , GOT MYSELF HAPPY AGAIN.

 

Exs know when your pulling away, even when you haven't talked to them in a long time. They feel it. The MINUTE I walked out of a bar with my buddies and was truly happy, the minute I got in my car my phone rang....it HAPPENS like that.

 

So now...I want you to trust and believe me....the ONLY way to get them back is to leave them the hell alone, get out of your depression , get back that confident person they fell inlove with.

 

God someone should buy my ebook.

 

All kidding aside tho...that's the trick.

 

And you know what? Even if they don't come back, you are so close to healed ...someone you don't even know, you will love them just as much or MORE than your ex.

 

Don't worry....they always come back. But when?

 

Could be years man, so do what you want...but I sure as hell didn't wait.

 

 

 

 

The reason I posted this, is because I came back after awhile, to pay it forward to people who helped me when I was down.

 

But it seems like I'm saying the same thing over and over again.

Threads after thread.

 

LET THEM GO AND GET YOUR HAPPY SELF BACK.

 

ONE SIZE FITS ALL. DO NOT CONTACT THEM!

 

WHEN THEY ARE READY THEY WILL CONTACT YOU.

 

NOTHING IS SEXY ABOUT YOUR PHONE BLOWING UP AND NEEDYNESS. NOTHING.

 

 

In closing, I want you to take a deep breath, everything will be fine. I give you my word, from the bottom of my heart...you will be OK.

 

Go for a walk. Start a thread. Help out other members....LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! THEY WANT YOU GONE? GOOD BITE ME, YOU GOT YOUR WISH.

 

 

Thank you to everyone who's ever helped me here, and when people reply to your posts, don't take offense to it. They really are trying to help.

 

" THIS TOO SHALL PASS" I have it tattoo'd on me for a reason.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

This is 100% true and 100% logical, totally reasonable.

 

Too bad reason is weak. That's why people can't do this so easily, even if they know it's 100% true. Reason is nothing when you feel like you feel like you do after a breakup. All you can do is try. Some people are able to do this quickly after a BU, for some of us it takes a while for the reason to be able to overpower emotions.

[nutcheesy]

You're right Barky. The relationship I knew is gone. Who knows what the future holds for us but regardless, I need to move on and I be guy I was when we met...actually better than that guy! Thanks Barky.

 

You can do this! I can do this. We will all improve better without our exes!!

[Summerrose2013]

While I agree that I need to let go it's so hard. I count every day that he doesn't get it in contact with me and I'm too scared to get a rebound or go out and meet someone incase it affects him wanting to come back to me. If I had a guy who loved me enough to beg and cry for me back I'd never leave him. All my exes dumped me and left for other women.

 

No, no no!! You can't save yourself for someone who doesn't want you. I had the same thoughts but in fact, every relationship help book I wrote tells you to get out there and date other people - I mean DATE, not jump into bed with them.

 

I had a date recently - yes, he said tiny things which reminded me of my ex, and no there wasnt any spark, BUT did he compliment me? Yes, he sure as hell did. He made me feel good about myself. It was honestly the best thing I could have done! Now I'm iternet dating again - I'm not ready for another actual date yet, but I've picked up a few 'followers' and it's all about ME now NOT MY EX.

 

My ex is a loner, his kids are a nightmare, it's very unlikely that he will meet anyone anytime soon, so thank goodness I haven't had to endure that trauma - but save myself for someone who doesnt want me 'in case they change their mind' - NO WAY. I'm better than that.

 

I've been a doormat for too long, something has to change. Please do the SAME. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE.

 

I'm still feeing bad about my break up, but this forum has been so good for me, and the self help books I've downloaded on Amazon.

 

I now almost 100% understand what went wrong in my relationship. It's beyond saving BUT I sure as hell won't make the same mistakes in my next one. And even though I'm in my forties, I still won't give up. There is someone out there for all of us.

[barky2]

Listen y'all, ain't nothing about breaking up, healing, and moving on is easy.

 

But it's something you have to do.

 

To either get them back at a later point, or to find someone else.

 

Take the necessary time to heal, but don't go around moping for the rest of your life.

 

There is no time table to when you'll feel better.

 

But I do promise you, if you put forth the effort, you'll be greatly rewarded.

 

 

 

Barky

[chris9210]

Just thought I would offload on here, as I have no one to speak to about anything. Today has been really hard for me today, I've been doing fine, feeling better each day about the breakup and not being able to speak to her or see her or anything, but today I have just been miserable. It started this morning, I woke up from having a dream about her and haven't been able to get her out of my mind since. I really thought I was making some progress, I've been following the advice given on this thread and it was helping, but today, without even meaning to, she has been constantly on my mind. It doesn't help that I just started a job at the same place she used to work, so her colleagues speak about her and whenever I look at a workstation or an area of the building I can't help thinking "she would have used this" or "she stood here once." Is this normal? I've been trying my hardest not to give her any thought, I've not contacted her at all but all of a sudden out of the blue she has been on my mind and I have been feeling so low. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Today has made me feel like I did when she first left and now all I can think of is how much I want her back and how much I want to speak to her.

[FredJones80]

Just thought I would offload on here, as I have no one to speak to about anything. Today has been really hard for me today, I've been doing fine, feeling better each day about the breakup and not being able to speak to her or see her or anything, but today I have just been miserable. It started this morning, I woke up from having a dream about her and haven't been able to get her out of my mind since. I really thought I was making some progress, I've been following the advice given on this thread and it was helping, but today, without even meaning to, she has been constantly on my mind. It doesn't help that I just started a job at the same place she used to work, so her colleagues speak about her and whenever I look at a workstation or an area of the building I can't help thinking "she would have used this" or "she stood here once." Is this normal? I've been trying my hardest not to give her any thought, I've not contacted her at all but all of a sudden out of the blue she has been on my mind and I have been feeling so low. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Today has made me feel like I did when she first left and now all I can think of is how much I want her back and how much I want to speak to her.

 

Totally normal. I'll have days where I feel really positive and think, great! its over. Then something will trigger me back, or I'll wake up and be back, the road is up and down for sure.

[Smarty Pants]

Just thought I would offload on here, as I have no one to speak to about anything. Today has been really hard for me today, I've been doing fine, feeling better each day about the breakup and not being able to speak to her or see her or anything, but today I have just been miserable. It started this morning, I woke up from having a dream about her and haven't been able to get her out of my mind since. I really thought I was making some progress, I've been following the advice given on this thread and it was helping, but today, without even meaning to, she has been constantly on my mind. It doesn't help that I just started a job at the same place she used to work, so her colleagues speak about her and whenever I look at a workstation or an area of the building I can't help thinking "she would have used this" or "she stood here once." Is this normal? I've been trying my hardest not to give her any thought, I've not contacted her at all but all of a sudden out of the blue she has been on my mind and I have been feeling so low. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Today has made me feel like I did when she first left and now all I can think of is how much I want her back and how much I want to speak to her.

 

We've all been there. You'll have days where it feels like you're taking a step back.

 

When this happens to me, I just think about how far I've come. Our exes are not the same people we knew before. In the past, they provided comfort. Now, getting in touch with them would only cause us more pain.

 

It's hard but NC is for the best. Life is too short to be spent unhappy

[chris9210]

Glad I'm not the only one (although it would be nice if no one had to go through this, its awful) I just hope it gets better, I'm sure it does. Thanks for the replies!

[barky2]

Just thought I would offload on here, as I have no one to speak to about anything. Today has been really hard for me today, I've been doing fine, feeling better each day about the breakup and not being able to speak to her or see her or anything, but today I have just been miserable. It started this morning, I woke up from having a dream about her and haven't been able to get her out of my mind since. I really thought I was making some progress, I've been following the advice given on this thread and it was helping, but today, without even meaning to, she has been constantly on my mind. It doesn't help that I just started a job at the same place she used to work, so her colleagues speak about her and whenever I look at a workstation or an area of the building I can't help thinking "she would have used this" or "she stood here once." Is this normal? I've been trying my hardest not to give her any thought, I've not contacted her at all but all of a sudden out of the blue she has been on my mind and I have been feeling so low. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Today has made me feel like I did when she first left and now all I can think of is how much I want her back and how much I want to speak to her.

 

 

 

You're going to have the ups and downs.

 

5 good days then bam a few bad ones.

 

It's completely normal.

 

Then after time you'll start having good weeks, and months.

 

And yes, each and everyone has been there.

 

I'm living proof that you'll survive.

 

 

 

Barky

[mantlefan]

You're going to have the ups and downs.

 

5 good days then bam a few bad ones.

 

It's completely normal.

 

Then after time you'll start having good weeks, and months.

 

And yes, each and everyone has been there.

 

I'm living proof that you'll survive.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Thanks for this Barky.

 

I still think about my ex every day. I may have to work with her a couple times before the end of July but after that I will be far away. My bad days aren't as bad as they used to be, and I feel like each day I string together longer and longer periods of not thinking about her. Soon I hope those translate into full days, and it sounds like they will. 9 1/2 months after the BU, 4 months after finding out she cheated on me with my friend and both of them lied to me about it for 5 months, maybe I should be able to go whole days without thinking about her, but I don't yet. Your words reminded me I will, someday.

[organizedchaos]

@Barky

 

Can you elaborate on "vanishing off the face of the earth"?

 

Is that basically NC? Or do you mean going dark on all social media as well (not just disconnecting but blocking the ex from seeing anything about you)?

 

And vanishing completely, is that more so in the immediate aftermath or forever? Or until you reach indifference?