if you've been broken up with / broken hearted

[LoveBohemian]

Hi Barky, great tips here, love it.

 

Just wondered what you thought of my situation with my ex (if you would be so kind). Probably a bit different to the norm. We’ve been broken up for over 2 years (I was the dumper), I was very strict with no contact (I did the social media blocking very quickly) and she asked for reconciliation after 3 months but I wasn’t ready for it. A week later she’s with a new guy (I know!) and they’re still together. She messaged me last year to see how I was but the conversation was brief (I wanted to tell her how much I missed her but I bottled it as usual). She’s a very emotional type and I’m Mr Logical. In many ways we complimented each other but my issue was I found her intense (especially with some mental health issues she had) and was never able to tell how how I felt which drove her crazy. It still bugs me that she still doesn’t know how I truly felt about her. I wasn’t very tactful about ending it and she thought I couldn’t have been that into her, but tbh I was broken over it and so was she. We were both each others first loves. The relationship had turned toxic and I couldn’t deal with the arguments any longer, but deep down I adored her.

 

So I feel I’ve matured and learnt my lessons (I hope), and a part of me wonders if she has matured too. I know she’s still with the other guy and tbh I’m happy for her, but a part of me still wonders as we had such a special connection. We met at University by finding out we went to the same middle school hundreds of miles away and were both raised in nearby houses, so it felt so special, like fate. I’ve thought about messaging her on Facebook, but I dunno, I’ve worked hard getting myself to a place where I’m happy and compassionate within myself so I don’t want to set myself up for a fall.

 

I probably already know the answer, just leave it. Perhaps this is the final breadcrumb that I need to let go of. My heart no longer longs for her as it once did, but I still remain curious. I still wonder if I’ll ever meet anyone as beautiful and kind as her who’ll love me unconditionally like she did. I know you have, but so many people were happy to tell me I was punching above my weight with her. Even my own Mum said I'll have a tough time forgetting those looks of hers, so a part of me will always wonder if I made a mistake and if I'll get another bite at the cherry.

 

Anyway, I’m rambling. I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited June 29, 2014 by LoveBohemian

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

Oh, I see. OK, I will post my situation in a little bit. Thank you.

[barky2]

Hi Barky, great tips here, love it.

 

Just wondered what you thought of my situation with my ex (if you would be so kind). Probably a bit different to the norm. We’ve been broken up for over 2 years (I was the dumper), I was very strict with no contact (I did the social media blocking very quickly) and she asked for reconciliation after 3 months but I wasn’t ready for it. A week later she’s with a new guy (I know!) and they’re still together. She messaged me last year to see how I was but the conversation was brief (I wanted to tell her how much I missed her but I bottled it as usual). She’s a very emotional type and I’m Mr Logical. In many ways we complimented each other but my issue was I found her intense (especially with some mental health issues she had) and was never able to tell how how I felt which drove her crazy. It still bugs me that she still doesn’t know how I truly felt about her. I wasn’t very tactful about ending it and she thought I couldn’t have been that into her, but tbh I was broken over it and so was she. We were both each others first loves. The relationship had turned toxic and I couldn’t deal with the arguments any longer, but deep down I adored her.

 

So I feel I’ve matured and learnt my lessons (I hope), and a part of me wonders if she has matured too. I know she’s still with the other guy and tbh I’m happy for her, but a part of me still wonders as we had such a special connection. We met at University by finding out we went to the same middle school hundreds of miles away and were both raised in nearby houses, so it felt so special, like fate. I’ve thought about messaging her on Facebook, but I dunno, I’ve worked hard getting myself to a place where I’m happy and compassionate within myself so I don’t want to set myself up for a fall.

 

I probably already know the answer, just leave it. Perhaps this is the final breadcrumb that I need to let go of. My heart no longer longs for her as it once did, but I still remain curious. I still wonder if I’ll ever meet anyone as beautiful and kind as her who’ll love me unconditionally like she did. I know you have, but so many people were happy to tell me I was punching above my weight with her. Even my own Mum said I'll have a tough time forgetting those looks of hers, so a part of me will always wonder if I made a mistake and if I'll get another bite at the cherry.

 

Anyway, I’m rambling. I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

 

Wow it's been quite a long time.

 

Typical dumpers regret? I'm not so sure.

 

I don't think that's the case.

 

But I also think you still have her on a pedestal.

 

By question to you is, would you be ok to move on if you told her how you felt and she rejected you?

 

It seems like maybe this is something you need to do, for closure and yourself.

 

If you feel the need to do it, for yourself, then go for it.

 

There's been enough time to heal and move on in 2 years..I mean It really shouldn't effect you if you get rejected.

 

Go for it. This might be the one and only case where I say that, but ya man go for it, tell her how you feel.

 

If it means a weight has been lifted off of you, and you can move on weightless, do it.

 

Leave the ball in her court.

 

You'll see a lot of my responses are that.

 

" if you ever want to reconcile and it's not too late let me know".

 

I've said it a million times and there's a reason for that.

 

A weight has been lifted off the dumpee because now they're not in control, and they can focus on moving on.

 

Leave it in her court, then move on op.

 

Best of luck, let me know how it goes.

 

 

 

Barky

[LoveBohemian]

Wow it's been quite a long time.

 

Typical dumpers regret? I'm not so sure.

 

I don't think that's the case.

 

But I also think you still have her on a pedestal.

 

By question to you is, would you be ok to move on if you told her how you felt and she rejected you?

 

It seems like maybe this is something you need to do, for closure and yourself.

 

If you feel the need to do it, for yourself, then go for it.

 

There's been enough time to heal and move on in 2 years..I mean It really shouldn't effect you if you get rejected.

 

Go for it. This might be the one and only case where I say that, but ya man go for it, tell her how you feel.

 

If it means a weight has been lifted off of you, and you can move on weightless, do it.

 

Leave the ball in her court.

 

You'll see a lot of my responses are that.

 

" if you ever want to reconcile and it's not too late let me know".

 

I've said it a million times and there's a reason for that.

 

A weight has been lifted off the dumpee because now they're not in control, and they can focus on moving on.

 

Leave it in her court, then move on op.

 

Best of luck, let me know how it goes.

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

Thanks a lot man. You're probably right, I probably do still have her on a pedestal to some degree and to be honest I'm not 100% sure I want to reconcile. I know I loved her but I also know our relationship was tough going. I guess I wouldn't know until I saw her and see how we connected, or even if she's happy with her current BF. But I haven't been able to forget her, she's clearly made a big impression on me and I haven't had the closure I need. I had that with the girlfriend before this one, we met up for a drink 6 months after the breakup and there was no chemistry left, so I knew it was gone.

 

My only question is it fair on her? I know it could effect her as she's a sensitive soul and we didn't part on the best of terms, but perhaps you're right, I need to do it for myself. And I don't think it would hurt that much if she ignored me, at least I fired off some stuff and got closure right?

 

Just one thing, how should I frame the letter? Just say I want the closure? Leave out anything about reconciliation?

 

I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

[barky2]

Thanks a lot man. You're probably right, I probably do still have her on a pedestal to some degree and to be honest I'm not 100% sure I want to reconcile. I know I loved her but I also know our relationship was tough going. I guess I wouldn't know until I saw her and see how we connected, or even if she's happy with her current BF. But I haven't been able to forget her, she's clearly made a big impression on me and I haven't had the closure I need. I had that with the girlfriend before this one, we met up for a drink 6 months after the breakup and there was no chemistry left, so I knew it was gone.

 

My only question is it fair on her? I know it could effect her as she's a sensitive soul and we didn't part on the best of terms, but perhaps you're right, I need to do it for myself. And I don't think it would hurt that much if she ignored me, at least I fired off some stuff and got closure right?

 

Just one thing, how should I frame the letter? Just say I want the closure? Leave out anything about reconciliation?

 

I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

 

 

 

I think a simple phone call would be just fine.

 

But let me stop you.

 

You're not sure if you want to reconcile.

 

Ok well before you even attempt to reach out to her, take a few days and find out what you want.

 

Are you jealous she's happy?

 

Do you have good intentions?

 

You saying you weren't sure, is a red flag.

 

Find out what you want man.. If you want to spend the red of your life with her, go for it.

 

If you are unsure, than leave her be bro.

 

 

Barky

[LoveBohemian]

I think a simple phone call would be just fine.

 

But let me stop you.

 

You're not sure if you want to reconcile.

 

Ok well before you even attempt to reach out to her, take a few days and find out what you want.

 

Are you jealous she's happy?

 

Do you have good intentions?

 

You saying you weren't sure, is a red flag.

 

Find out what you want man.. If you want to spend the red of your life with her, go for it.

 

If you are unsure, than leave her be bro.

 

 

Barky

 

I deleted her phone number so that's a no go unfortunately.

 

I've written the message (not sent it) and just framed it as a me wanting closure, to tell her the stuff I never did. I feel better for it so I guess it would help me move on.

 

No point sending it if I'm unsure of reconciliation though? Might it stir something within her? I guess it could touch her heart and bring back feelings, so could be dangerous I guess.

 

My intentions are good as far as I know, just need the closure I guess. I have said I understand she's moved on and I respect that. I really do.

 

I'm happy in myself so I have no reason to feel jealous. Just writing what I've written had made me realise how much I did hold back in the relationship, and it feels good letting her know my reasons for why this happened, and that she really was special to me.

 

Thanks for stopping me. I'll take a breather for a few days and only send it if I'm sure. I guess it wouldn't be fair on her otherwise, I wouldn't want to rock the boat unnecessarily.

[barky2]

You have a good head on your shoulders, I commend you.

 

So many people stir that pot just to get a rise or to find out " hey I can still get them.." Poof and be gone again.

 

Seems like you obviously care for her, so yes best thing to do is let it settle for a few days and revisit it.

 

I can tell you... I've had that overwhelming feeling of " damn I should've done this " or " wow I really didn't appreciate when she did this "

 

So I know what you're going through.

 

It's not wrong to feel that way.

 

Take a few days, revisit it on Thursday, see how you feel.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[newenglandkid]

It's been a week of FULL NC and I've felt fine at times, but like in the mornings are the roughest. I come on here and reread posts to reassure myself to continue NC. I'm a little worried about tomorrow, it was suppose to be our 18 month anniversary and I'm not sure if she will try to contact me or not. If she does what should I do?

[barky2]

It's been a week of FULL NC and I've felt fine at times, but like in the mornings are the roughest. I come on here and reread posts to reassure myself to continue NC. I'm a little worried about tomorrow, it was suppose to be our 18 month anniversary and I'm not sure if she will try to contact me or not. If she does what should I do?

 

Ignore.

 

Rehashing old times does you no good.

 

Instead treat yourself to something or do something for yourself.

 

Hang in there it gets better!!

 

 

 

Barky

[newenglandkid]

Alright Barky that sounds like a good idea, I know that breaking NC would take me back to last week and I definitely don't want that. I've actually got a full day of work, therapy and practice tomorrow so I won't have much down time which is good, I just have a lot of down time today which got my mind wondering about tomorrow!

 

Hey just wondering, has anyone done NC when their ex has tried talking to them (breadcrumbs) and then they get pissed you're not responding? I have a feeling when/if my ex tries to contact me she's gonna get pissed if I don't respond. I know it doesn't matter what she thinks, but I also don't want to ruin whatever chance I have at reconciliation.

[Smarty Pants]

Hey just wondering, has anyone done NC when their ex has tried talking to them (breadcrumbs) and then they get pissed you're not responding? I have a feeling when/if my ex tries to contact me she's gonna get pissed if I don't respond. I know it doesn't matter what she thinks, but I also don't want to ruin whatever chance I have at reconciliation.

 

You are driving yourself crazy with what if scenarios. You should be under the assumption that she will never contact you again. That way you don't have to worry about these things.

 

If she does contact you, post here and think it through. But until then, live your life like she isn't coming back.

[barky2]

If they want you back, ignoring them won't stop them.

 

If they want you back they'll move a mountain.

 

Take that to the bank.

 

And yes I've had exs get mad at me for ignoring them sure, they're an ex there's no reason to talk to them.

 

It doesn't change anything though.

 

They get mad bc they figured you'd jump at the chance to talk to them and when you don't it hurts their ego.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[newenglandkid]

You are driving yourself crazy with what if scenarios. You should be under the assumption that she will never contact you again. That way you don't have to worry about these things.

 

If she does contact you, post here and think it through. But until then, live your life like she isn't coming back.

 

 

Alright, alright I know these what if scenarios aren't healthy, but like I said I have a lot of downtime today so I just get thinking and want some feedback. Anyway I'm off to the gym and the beach, hopefully she'll be off my mind the rest of the day!

[newenglandkid]

If they want you back, ignoring them won't stop them.

 

If they want you back they'll move a mountain.

 

Take that to the bank.

 

And yes I've had exs get mad at me for ignoring them sure, they're an ex there's no reason to talk to them.

 

It doesn't change anything though.

 

They get mad bc they figured you'd jump at the chance to talk to them and when you don't it hurts their ego.

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

 

Alright Barky, never thought of it like that, thanks for the reply!

[newenglandkid]

Hey guys so today was actually pretty well for me considering it was the anniversary today. But I put up a tweet about writing a wedding toast, and my ex must not have unfollowed me because literally two mins later she texted me "who is getting married?" Lol

 

Is the overwhelming majority with me when I say don't respond?

[newenglandkid]

Another text from her saying helllllooooo

 

Lol

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Don't respond, Kid. And don't get too happy about her texts. They're breadcrumbs. Until they're not.

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

Been with my guy for 4 years. It was love at first sight for him. After 1 year he told me he loved me and wanted exclusivity. After almost 2 years he proposed with a beautiful engagement ring.

 

We got along great, have similar goals, interests, likes and dislikes, I'm everything he's ever wanted in a woman (so he says), we loved each other, he did a lot for me physically emotionally, financially, because he offered, I respect and admire him and we are very affectionate and everyone says we're a beautiful couple. We get along great. First 3 years he was CRAZY about me, everyone saw it.

 

Beginning of this year he BU with me over nothing. It was a shock. I begged and pleaded (stupid), he wanted the ring back, I ignored him for a week to cool down, he called and called and came to my house, we got back together.

 

We had the most fun we've ever had this year, but he wasn't the same--he was more distracted, bored, grumpy, angry, had temper tantrums, wasn't as affectionate, wouldn't help me around the house anymore, had fits of rage over other men hitting on me or giving me attention (even though I was 100% faithful and devoted to him), but insisted on marrying me this year. He kept setting wedding dates and postponing over and over. But he still sent me gifts regularly and took me on amazing trips. He works out of town and we see each other every weekend (he lives with his family and won't move in with me). He wanted to find a job here locally and get a place so we could be together. I helped him with the job and property search. At one point he said he wasn't ready to get married, he only proposed to make me happy, so I said fine, let's unengage and see others, and he freaked out and changed his mind. He bought me a wedding ring, and I bought him one.

 

A couple of weeks ago he took me to a romantic restaurant and said he was ready to get married, he was serious and promised not to back out again (besides, marriage was HIS idea), and wanted to marry this month, we talked about the future, where we'd live and what we'd do, and he reserved and paid for the trip and hotel. I was excited and looked for wedding dresses.

 

Last week he was moody again, acting very strangely, hung up on me on the phone a couple of times, then texted me that he canceled the wedding trip cause he needed the money (which doesn't make sense because we are both debt-free, I have a nice house that's paid for, his expenses are low and he has very few responsibilities, andmthemtrip didn't cost much at all), and he was too depressed to talk about it, so I never had a say in this. I was so horrified that I didn't reply and left him alone for a week.

 

A week later he called me. He was VERY ANGRY that I ignored him. He said he was calling because he's leaving me, he's done, moving on, he's ready for a "new chapter" in his life, and he proceeded to blame me for all of his problems in his life, said he didn't love me anymore (even though a week before he loved me, adored me, I was his soul mate, couldn't wait to marry me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't imagine life without me, we will be together forever, etc). He said his "feelings come and go" for me. He whined and complained that he paid for our dates and spent so much money. I told him I didn't care as much about the gifts and trips; I wanted HIM more than anything else. He made excuses about wanting to focus on his career (I've never stood in his way, I have actually helped him). I asked him if there was another woman, and he said no. He said we should date others (and this is a man who was always very possessive and jealous of other men giving me attention, even male friends). He also said he was coming to my house last weekend to get his "stuff" back--the wedding ring, engagement ring, and a few gifts he gave me. Same scenario as the BU at the beginning of the year. The entire conversation he was extremely pissed.

 

He's not a *classically handsome* man (according to others, although I think he is cause I love him), and I'm his tall, beautiful, exciting, worldly, smart, loving, outgoing, lots of friends and admirers, compassionate trophy who boosts his ego as he shows me off and people gravitate to me. When I met him he was socially awkward, had no life, no friends, nerdy, immature, sheltered, insecure, cried a lot, had a strange haircut, shy, sweet, loving, generous, kind, soft spoken, slow, not as driven as I. But we clicked and he was so kind to me so I fell for him after a while. Now he's acting cocky, arrogant, over-confident, mean, angry, only thinks about his own needs, tells me he wants to move away to a huge city so he can live it up and work out on the beach (he doesn't even know how to swim) and he said he wanted us to be FRIENDS, and told me to call him if I wanted to "hang out" or if I needed help or a ride somewhere out of town, and IF he had the time, he'd come over. He even offered to come over last weekend to help me with my home renovations. He said he bought me a gift and wanted to bring it to me. My head was spinning. I'd had enough so I tore into him because I was so sick of his mood swings, postponing the wedding dozens of times, whining, complaining, blaming me for his problems, and his appalling behavior. I've been a total angel this year cause of his freak out at the beginning of the year, bottling up my feelings and needs, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

 

I told him over the phone what I wanted/needed in a man, that I wanted my sweet man back from the first 3 years and then some, I wasn't interested in being his friend and tossed breadcrumbs after 4 years and an engagement. I said I wanted a normal and healthy loving relationship with HIM, the loving man I met, or I wanted nothing more to do with him. He replied, then you will get nothing!

 

So I gave up and ignored him. He sent me an email a couple of days ago of pictures from a trip we went on this year and it melted my heart, cause I haven't seen them yet. A few hours later he texted and called that he was coming over to get his "stuff" and I ignored cause I wasn't home.

 

Yesterday he texted me again and asked why I wasn't home over the weekend. Apparently he came to my house. I haven't replied. Later in the day he called, I didn't answer. Then he texted me and asked if we could please have a conversation. He sent another text saying he wouldn't ignore my calls if I called him after what happened. But I don't know what else to say or do?

 

He's acting like a man who's been wronged, like I cheated on him or did something horrible, which I never have. There really isn't a valid reason for the break up. We had an amazing, magical, loving relationship. We didn't have issues that I could see. We got along great. We were very attracted to each other, loved each other, had fun, spent every weekend together, called and texted every day, went on many romantic getaways together.

 

I don't understand why he BU a beautiful relationship and why he continues to text me and why he wants to have a "conversation?" Is this all about getting the rings back? Is that all he cares about? I don't feel he's being completely honest with me. I don't know if I should reply to these calls and texts?

 

This isn't the first time he's backed off. He disappeared on me the first year we were together. He emailed me that he wanted to be more than friends, and vanished for a month. I was hurt. Then he came back and told me he loved me. But I don't know if he is gone for good this time?

 

Barky, what do I do? I started NC over a week ago. And what's your assessment of this erratic behavior?

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

I don't know what to do, say, respond?! Why is he texting and calling me?

[furby58]

I don't know what to do, say, respond?! Why is he texting and calling me?

 

Ignore ignore ignore .

[furby58]

Classic case of doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you.

 

I.e the jealousy, checking up ect.

 

 

It's never too late to go nc.

 

Never.

 

Sometimes people go right into it after a breakup, some wait years.

 

It's all based on when said Person just sayS " I've had enough".

 

I would just simply say " listen I have to let you go so I can move on with my life, you're keeping me around for your own needs not mine. I will contact you when I'm ready " or finish it up with " or contact me when you want to make us work"

 

Then block him out on anything.

 

I'm telling you, he is the perfect type to flip out and go crazy when you don't answer him or he doesn't know what you're doing.

 

It'll either snap him back in to wanting to be with you, or you will find someone else.

 

That's the best part of nc.

 

Either they realized what they've lost, or you move on.

 

 

But nc is for the latter of the two.

 

That's what it's designed for, and that's how it normally ends.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

 

Thank you Barky! He did message me the day after saying sorry for upsetting me and hope i feel better..and im just going to ignore for now- ive said i wanted space geebuz ! But i am definitely going to NC after we finalised some stuff in the next couple of weeks . It gets reallly tiring some times

[David87]

I don't know what to do, say, respond?! Why is he texting and calling me?

 

Do nothing, ignore him.

[LadyM]

Been with my guy for 4 years. It was love at first sight for him. After 1 year he told me he loved me and wanted exclusivity. After almost 2 years he proposed with a beautiful engagement ring.

 

We got along great, have similar goals, interests, likes and dislikes, I'm everything he's ever wanted in a woman (so he says), we loved each other, he did a lot for me physically emotionally, financially, because he offered, I respect and admire him and we are very affectionate and everyone says we're a beautiful couple. We get along great. First 3 years he was CRAZY about me, everyone saw it.

 

Beginning of this year he BU with me over nothing. It was a shock. I begged and pleaded (stupid), he wanted the ring back, I ignored him for a week to cool down, he called and called and came to my house, we got back together.

 

We had the most fun we've ever had this year, but he wasn't the same--he was more distracted, bored, grumpy, angry, had temper tantrums, wasn't as affectionate, wouldn't help me around the house anymore, had fits of rage over other men hitting on me or giving me attention (even though I was 100% faithful and devoted to him), but insisted on marrying me this year. He kept setting wedding dates and postponing over and over. But he still sent me gifts regularly and took me on amazing trips. He works out of town and we see each other every weekend (he lives with his family and won't move in with me). He wanted to find a job here locally and get a place so we could be together. I helped him with the job and property search. At one point he said he wasn't ready to get married, he only proposed to make me happy, so I said fine, let's unengage and see others, and he freaked out and changed his mind. He bought me a wedding ring, and I bought him one.

 

A couple of weeks ago he took me to a romantic restaurant and said he was ready to get married, he was serious and promised not to back out again (besides, marriage was HIS idea), and wanted to marry this month, we talked about the future, where we'd live and what we'd do, and he reserved and paid for the trip and hotel. I was excited and looked for wedding dresses.

 

Last week he was moody again, acting very strangely, hung up on me on the phone a couple of times, then texted me that he canceled the wedding trip cause he needed the money (which doesn't make sense because we are both debt-free, I have a nice house that's paid for, his expenses are low and he has very few responsibilities, andmthemtrip didn't cost much at all), and he was too depressed to talk about it, so I never had a say in this. I was so horrified that I didn't reply and left him alone for a week.

 

A week later he called me. He was VERY ANGRY that I ignored him. He said he was calling because he's leaving me, he's done, moving on, he's ready for a "new chapter" in his life, and he proceeded to blame me for all of his problems in his life, said he didn't love me anymore (even though a week before he loved me, adored me, I was his soul mate, couldn't wait to marry me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he can't imagine life without me, we will be together forever, etc). He said his "feelings come and go" for me. He whined and complained that he paid for our dates and spent so much money. I told him I didn't care as much about the gifts and trips; I wanted HIM more than anything else. He made excuses about wanting to focus on his career (I've never stood in his way, I have actually helped him). I asked him if there was another woman, and he said no. He said we should date others (and this is a man who was always very possessive and jealous of other men giving me attention, even male friends). He also said he was coming to my house last weekend to get his "stuff" back--the wedding ring, engagement ring, and a few gifts he gave me. Same scenario as the BU at the beginning of the year. The entire conversation he was extremely pissed.

 

He's not a *classically handsome* man (according to others, although I think he is cause I love him), and I'm his tall, beautiful, exciting, worldly, smart, loving, outgoing, lots of friends and admirers, compassionate trophy who boosts his ego as he shows me off and people gravitate to me. When I met him he was socially awkward, had no life, no friends, nerdy, immature, sheltered, insecure, cried a lot, had a strange haircut, shy, sweet, loving, generous, kind, soft spoken, slow, not as driven as I. But we clicked and he was so kind to me so I fell for him after a while. Now he's acting cocky, arrogant, over-confident, mean, angry, only thinks about his own needs, tells me he wants to move away to a huge city so he can live it up and work out on the beach (he doesn't even know how to swim) and he said he wanted us to be FRIENDS, and told me to call him if I wanted to "hang out" or if I needed help or a ride somewhere out of town, and IF he had the time, he'd come over. He even offered to come over last weekend to help me with my home renovations. He said he bought me a gift and wanted to bring it to me. My head was spinning. I'd had enough so I tore into him because I was so sick of his mood swings, postponing the wedding dozens of times, whining, complaining, blaming me for his problems, and his appalling behavior. I've been a total angel this year cause of his freak out at the beginning of the year, bottling up my feelings and needs, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

 

I told him over the phone what I wanted/needed in a man, that I wanted my sweet man back from the first 3 years and then some, I wasn't interested in being his friend and tossed breadcrumbs after 4 years and an engagement. I said I wanted a normal and healthy loving relationship with HIM, the loving man I met, or I wanted nothing more to do with him. He replied, then you will get nothing!

 

So I gave up and ignored him. He sent me an email a couple of days ago of pictures from a trip we went on this year and it melted my heart, cause I haven't seen them yet. A few hours later he texted and called that he was coming over to get his "stuff" and I ignored cause I wasn't home.

 

Yesterday he texted me again and asked why I wasn't home over the weekend. Apparently he came to my house. I haven't replied. Later in the day he called, I didn't answer. Then he texted me and asked if we could please have a conversation. He sent another text saying he wouldn't ignore my calls if I called him after what happened. But I don't know what else to say or do?

 

He's acting like a man who's been wronged, like I cheated on him or did something horrible, which I never have. There really isn't a valid reason for the break up. We had an amazing, magical, loving relationship. We didn't have issues that I could see. We got along great. We were very attracted to each other, loved each other, had fun, spent every weekend together, called and texted every day, went on many romantic getaways together.

 

I don't understand why he BU a beautiful relationship and why he continues to text me and why he wants to have a "conversation?" Is this all about getting the rings back? Is that all he cares about? I don't feel he's being completely honest with me. I don't know if I should reply to these calls and texts?

 

This isn't the first time he's backed off. He disappeared on me the first year we were together. He emailed me that he wanted to be more than friends, and vanished for a month. I was hurt. Then he came back and told me he loved me. But I don't know if he is gone for good this time?

 

Barky, what do I do? I started NC over a week ago. And what's your assessment of this erratic behavior?

 

I know you asked for Barky's view, but I read your story and I just wanted to say that this man so does not deserve you. You don't deserve to be treated so shabbily, time and time again. You sound like such a wonderful girl and you need to look forward to a life with a stable man.

 

This man has proven over and over that he can't give you that secure stability you are seeking. It doesn't even matter the reason behind his erratic behavior - he is obviously a troubled man and you really don't want that anymore. He's blaming you for made up reasons in his own twisted head. You'll never get back the sweet man you had in the beginning. It wasn't really the real him anyway.

 

It's wonderful that you've been NC for a week now! Keep it up! There are no more conversations to be had with him. He doesn't deserve to waste a bit more of your time. Pack up his things, leave them on your porch for him to pick up. A simple text to tell him when is sufficient. He will never make you happy.

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Regardless of his bad character, it is still a very difficult time for me, especially after 4 years and an engagement. The sudden rejection, out of nowhere and no valid reason, has left me confused, devastated, and wondering WHY? And a few weeks after reserving a wedding/elopement? The refund he received was only a small amount for the agency, not the air fare or hotel. So his initial text made no sense.

 

I'm confused not only WHY did he act out and BU, but WHY is he still texting and wanting to talk, calling, bought me a gift, wants to come over, etc?? And he doesn't have another woman yet. From what men have told me, 99% of men typically don't leave until they have another woman lined up. Makes no sense!

 

NC is extremely painful! I want to speak to him badly, but I'm also worried he will say/do something hurtful. I may need support, like the rest of you, to maintain NC and untangle this confusing BU. Should I start my own thread?

 

Barky, if you're around, I'd really appreciate an assessment.

[newenglandkid]

**** me I broke NC last night/today...

 

She asked me who was getting married and I stupidly responded, spent a few mins last night with small talk. Then today, she asked if one of her friends could buy a concert ticket that I have (that I'm not going too) off of me. We were playful throughout the entire convo, but I know as soon as I stopped emailing how I ****** up.

 

 

DAMMMITTTTT