if you've been broken up with / broken hearted

[barky2]

Thanks Barky.

 

It's been a month and I find myself slipping back into those negative thinking where I think I wasn't good enough for him.

 

At the end of the relationship, there were a lot of hurtful words thrown, especially from his side and sometimes when I'm not too careful, I find myself thinking about those things he said.

 

I know I will be better than any girl he will ever date from here on out and I've been resorting to positive thinking all the time despite how hard it can get.

 

Can i ask you a question. During that year where you were separated from your ex, what did you do to regain that confidence and self-esteem? I'm not one for rebounds and I wouldn't want to go around sleeping with other people. I want to gain that self-confidence back where I didn't have to give up my freedom and friends for a guy.

 

I did a lot, traveled, partied,gym,made so many friends.

 

I'm very outgoing, I used to go out by myself all the time,even traveled alone.

 

I wanted ME time.

 

You don't have to sleep with anyone, I applaud you for that.

 

But what's wrong with going out all dressed up, dancing , having someone buy you a drink and flirt for a little bit?

 

Try that.

 

I had so many cougars and young beautiful women but me drinks and danced my shoes off my feet, you walk outside after the bar or club ends, that outside air hits you and you take a sigh of relief, because even for one minute , you feel good, you see everything will be ok.

 

I promise you will get to a point where you don't care about them, you're way to indulged in yourself and your happiness.

 

I dated the first chance I could get, I never said no to anything.

 

I remember I was sitting home reading old responses from Baron one night, my buddy sent me a text asking me if I wanted to go grab a beer and play some pool.

 

At first I'm like nah I'm just going to chill.

 

I got my ass up and took a shower.

 

It ended up being one of the best nights of my life, didn't get home till 6am.

 

Never turn anything down.

 

Take life by the horns.

 

 

 

Barky

[yesitcould]

xUnknown - You're right, I should make it all about me, I should wait, I should be patient and I should start trying to feel better. I just wish that would all happen sooner. To be honest I also really wish she would message me.

 

My problem is we really weren't specific, I didn't say don't contact me, she didn't say if we were broken up or even on a break. It's all just such a mess but I know breaking NC is the wrong thing to do so I wouldn't dare. She did ask (as it was happening) 'who is going to contact who? and when?'. Thanks again for the help.

 

Barky - I'm trying to pretend it's never coming but seeing as we left it in a vague state I just know it will come. I don't know what manner the message will be sent in but it's coming. Every one of our friends is just completely shocked too, no one understands. Just trying to follow your advice.

Edited November 7, 2013 by yesitcould

[barky2]

For your sake, and your mental well being, block him so that message cannot be received UNTIL you are 100% ready for the absolute worst case senario.

 

 

Barky

[yesitcould]

For your sake, and your mental well being, block him so that message cannot be received UNTIL you are 100% ready for the absolute worst case senario.

 

 

Barky

 

Hi again Barky.

 

I've been sitting here thinking and I think I might have finally realized what happened. She 'doesn't love me like she did' because she lost hope for our relationship, not because we fought too much, not because she didn't love the idea of me and her but because I NEVER fully stated my intention to definitely be with her in the future.

 

I absolutely want to be but if she asked a question along those lines I now see I was extremely noncommittal and vague with my answers, for example 'I wouldn't be with you if that wasn't possible'. I also scoffed at the idea of kids and said I wouldn't have them before the age of 35 (that isn't how I feel now and hasn't been for a while. I don't know why I acted like that). Should I still wait for her to get back to me first? Should I tell her how I really feel about that when she does or keep the minimal response approach going? I know you said to wait until that moment comes but this could be a really important factor and I truly believe it's behind what she said and did.

Edited November 8, 2013 by yesitcould

[Syn]

I SO needed to hear this! Thanks for this post!! It seriously made me tear up. Just found out my ex slept with someone else 3 days after we broke up and I wanted to do the exact same thing, just go out and have revenge sex with anyone because I thought it would make me feel better.

 

For some reason he texted asking to hang out tonight so I guess that would be a breadcrumb, that was after around a week barely speaking. I accepted only to find out he was seeing someone else already. Big mistake! If I ever feel like contacting him I'm going to read this over and over again. I do still want him back and I know if I keep contacting him begging and sobbing it's going to push him further away. But I do hope he feels he had a stronger connection with me than the new woman. I want him to miss me like crazy.

 

That being said hopefully if I do hear from him again I will be healed enough that it won't matter and I won't want to reconcile anyway!

[headinthecloud]

This post really helped me accept that he was never coming back and that my only option was to move on. My heart wanted to keep holding onto the hope, and it did - even when my mind knew I shouldn't - but over time (and work on myself) I did let go of "what could have been" and have started to truly move on.

 

Thanks, Barky. I wouldn't be at this better place had it not been for your help. YTB

[barky2]

Hi again Barky.

 

I've been sitting here thinking and I think I might have finally realized what happened. She 'doesn't love me like she did' because she lost hope for our relationship, not because we fought too much, not because she didn't love the idea of me and her but because I NEVER fully stated my intention to definitely be with her in the future.

 

I absolutely want to be but if she asked a question along those lines I now see I was extremely noncommittal and vague with my answers, for example 'I wouldn't be with you if that wasn't possible'. I also scoffed at the idea of kids and said I wouldn't have them before the age of 35 (that isn't how I feel now and hasn't been for a while. I don't know why I acted like that). Should I still wait for her to get back to me first? Should I tell her how I really feel about that when she does or keep the minimal response approach going? I know you said to wait until that moment comes but this could be a really important factor and I truly believe it's behind what she said and did.

 

You'll go round and around in your head thinking of different possibilities, if I woulda done this woulda done that, it's normal.

 

But it would NOT have changed the outcome one bit.

 

I beg you, leave it be for awhile.

 

Nothing you can possibly do can fix this right now.

 

I understand your reasoning 100%

 

But I swear, right now, in this moment, it couldn't have changed.

 

It's best to take a step back, take a breath, know as much as it hurts, you'll survive, and be just fine reguardless of the outcome.

 

Take a breath.

 

 

 

Barky

[ampxo]

Hey barkey, great post! From what ive researched, the best way to get your ex back is through no contact. No contact is great for you because it allows you to move forward with your life & become a better version of yourself. & the no contact thing has gotten my ex back before so I definitely agree it works. But what if I didn't get a chance to tell him how I felt. I broke up with my ex out of anger & I really don't want this, so I tried to talk things through & he said he was done, wants to take a break. Its immature & hes sick of it.. because ive broken up with him a few times in anger instead of talking things through & dealing with the issue in a mature manner. I know exactly what I need to do to make our relationship work. I know the things I need to work on. Should I contact him telling him how I feel & taking responsability for all of this, so we can move forward with our relationship. I heard a quote today that might apply to my situation "sometimes you have to take a step backwards to take two steps forward".. I feel like we were doing so great, but I caused a set back & now hes to the point where hes unsure if our relationship is worth it.. I know I cant convince him but I asked him the day after we brokeup "were you happy" he said yes. "Do you want anyone else" he said no. "Do you think our relationship has great potential" he said yes..... but im the pursuer and hes the distancer in this case. So the more I try to pursue him the more hes going to distance himself........ should I try saying "listen I know you want space but I love you & I will make promises to you that if we try again I will make changes" & tell him what exactly ill do differently this tine..... or should i just leave him alone....id love your opinion barkey

[xpaperxcutx]

Hey barkey, great post! From what ive researched, the best way to get your ex back is through no contact. No contact is great for you because it allows you to move forward with your life & become a better version of yourself. & the no contact thing has gotten my ex back before so I definitely agree it works. But what if I didn't get a chance to tell him how I felt. I broke up with my ex out of anger & I really don't want this, so I tried to talk things through & he said he was done, wants to take a break. Its immature & hes sick of it.. because ive broken up with him a few times in anger instead of talking things through & dealing with the issue in a mature manner. I know exactly what I need to do to make our relationship work. I know the things I need to work on. Should I contact him telling him how I feel & taking responsability for all of this, so we can move forward with our relationship. I heard a quote today that might apply to my situation "sometimes you have to take a step backwards to take two steps forward".. I feel like we were doing so great, but I caused a set back & now hes to the point where hes unsure if our relationship is worth it.. I know I cant convince him but I asked him the day after we brokeup "were you happy" he said yes. "Do you want anyone else" he said no. "Do you think our relationship has great potential" he said yes..... but im the pursuer and hes the distancer in this case. So the more I try to pursue him the more hes going to distance himself........ should I try saying "listen I know you want space but I love you & I will make promises to you that if we try again I will make changes" & tell him what exactly ill do differently this tine..... or should i just leave him ,alone....id love your opinion barkey

 

Never, ever chase.

 

I learned from my mistakes. When my ex broke up with me, I kept calling him and texting him and begging him to take me back. Even telling him I loved him so much I couldn't live without him wasn't enough. Not only did do that took away my dignity, but it made me looked low in his eyes.

 

No man appreciates a woman who gives up her life for a man.

 

Don't give him anything like a hint that you can't live without him. Move on.

 

 

BTW @ Barky, today I'm at the anger stage of my grief. I'm filled with anger by how my ex has hurt me and I'm angry that I gave up my life to him only to have him throw me away like trash. I'm not over him but I'm not going to let him win either. I'm going to make myself a better person, live better than him and if he ever sees me, I will pretend i don't know him. Because i don't. The man I loved is gone. He told me before he broke up with me, he changed and that the man who used to love me was gone.

[barky2]

Hey barkey, great post! From what ive researched, the best way to get your ex back is through no contact. No contact is great for you because it allows you to move forward with your life & become a better version of yourself. & the no contact thing has gotten my ex back before so I definitely agree it works. But what if I didn't get a chance to tell him how I felt. I broke up with my ex out of anger & I really don't want this, so I tried to talk things through & he said he was done, wants to take a break. Its immature & hes sick of it.. because ive broken up with him a few times in anger instead of talking things through & dealing with the issue in a mature manner. I know exactly what I need to do to make our relationship work. I know the things I need to work on. Should I contact him telling him how I feel & taking responsability for all of this, so we can move forward with our relationship. I heard a quote today that might apply to my situation "sometimes you have to take a step backwards to take two steps forward".. I feel like we were doing so great, but I caused a set back & now hes to the point where hes unsure if our relationship is worth it.. I know I cant convince him but I asked him the day after we brokeup "were you happy" he said yes. "Do you want anyone else" he said no. "Do you think our relationship has great potential" he said yes..... but im the pursuer and hes the distancer in this case. So the more I try to pursue him the more hes going to distance himself........ should I try saying "listen I know you want space but I love you & I will make promises to you that if we try again I will make changes" & tell him what exactly ill do differently this tine..... or should i just leave him alone....id love your opinion barkey

 

No contact is not the best way to get your ex back madam.

 

The best way to get your ex back is let go and move on, legit walk away and move on with your life.

 

Unfortunately nothing will get ur ex back, your ex has to make the conscious decision to come back, that's it.

 

First off, I'm glad you see what you need to change.

 

Instead of talking to him , or relaying it to him, do it for you.

 

This needs to be your time.

 

Everything about right now is you.

 

You have to understand, I've had all my exs come back, months and years later.

 

I never sat around and waited.

 

I picked up, brushed myself off, and carried the f on because we don't have a choice.

 

So no do not contact him for any reason, and for god sakes don't do it to get him back, do it to heal and move on with your life and better yourself.

 

If you do it to get him back, you'll be devastated at the results.

 

Happy Friday y'all!

 

 

 

Barky

[barky2]

Never, ever chase.

 

I learned from my mistakes. When my ex broke up with me, I kept calling him and texting him and begging him to take me back. Even telling him I loved him so much I couldn't live without him wasn't enough. Not only did do that took away my dignity, but it made me looked low in his eyes.

 

No man appreciates a woman who gives up her life for a man.

 

Don't give him anything like a hint that you can't live without him. Move on.

 

 

 

 

BTW @ Barky, today I'm at the anger stage of my grief. I'm filled with anger by how my ex has hurt me and I'm angry that I gave up my life to him only to have him throw me away like trash. I'm not over him but I'm not going to let him win either. I'm going to make myself a better person, live better than him and if he ever sees me, I will pretend i don't know him. Because i don't. The man I loved is gone. He told me before he broke up with me, he changed and that the man who used to love me was gone.

 

 

Hold on to the anger stage as long as you can, it's the best one.

 

I've said it a million times, every single one of our exs are NOT the same person we knew, cuddled up on the couch, not even close.

 

Use that as fire to keep carrying on.

 

Your getting there, keep on fighting threw, you'll get threw this I promise.

 

 

 

Barky

[headinthecloud]

Bump for kfey...gl buddy

[kfey]

So barky, I'm holding fast to NC. I've begun to tell my friends about what happened, including some that are her mutual friends. One of them contacted her about it before speaking to me. She also contacted one of my best friends, who in turn contacted me before I had the chance to tell him. Even though he is appalled by her actions, I'm bothered by the fact that she contacted him.

 

What's your appraisal of this?

[barky2]

She wanted them to know her side before you told them your side.

 

More like a " it's his fault"

 

So she wouldn't be looked at as the bad guy.

 

Justifying her actions to mutual friends.

 

 

That's your answer.

 

Absorb it and stop your head spinning.

 

Continue your path, you'll be fine.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[kfey]

That does make sense. The problem for her is that after hearing my side of it, our mutual friends seem to be taking my side, and some of them don't even want to hear her side.

[barky2]

When you're with your mutual friends, steer clear of the situation and confrontation of it all, enjoy yourself and talk about sports or something.

 

Don't talk about the break up.

 

Every word will get back to her.

 

Less is more, got it?

 

 

 

Barky

[kfey]

Will do, but I do want to be open with them about what happened. Once I've gotten it all out, I'll change the subject.

 

I've read this thread all the way through, and I admit I'm hopeful for an outcome like you've had barky. You say every girl comes back to you. While yes, most of me hopes she will come back, I wouldn't take her back if she did, necessarily. Part of me is mad.

[barky2]

I think you've told your side right?

 

Anyone brings it up, shrug it off.

 

Yes they've come back.

 

Sometimes 12 years later.

 

Some have come back as friends, some regret.

 

I just actually got done talking to a ex who "I thought was my first love", we dated for maybe 4-5 months, now she's single with 2 kids, doesn't bother me one bit.

 

That's what I'm getting at.

 

They come back when you DONT CARE.

 

You still care.

 

Get back to being that happy fun loving dude, once again if it's brought up play aloof and like it doesn't bother you.

 

Either walk away for a second or change the subject.

 

Less,is,more.

 

 

 

Barky

[kfey]

One thing I've been doing when telling our mutual friends is stating that I'm mad at her. That's real, I am mad at her. If that gets back to her, all the better. She might not be able to stand that.

[barky2]

Right now, it doesn't matter.

 

She can stand you being mad at her.

 

It's justified.

 

aloof is the word that you need to play until you reach it.

 

 

 

Barky

[kfey]

Right now, it doesn't matter.

 

She can stand you being mad at her.

 

It's justified.

 

You're absolutely right. Now, the question is, will she get to a point where she can't stand me being mad at her?

[barky2]

Idk why that question keeps coming up, thank chi_townD lol

 

In my opinion, I don't think a dumper cares if you're mad at them, and honesty even if you are, it won't bother them enough to run Back to your arms.

 

I think in my opinion it bothers them more when you don't care, when it doesn't bother you.

 

 

 

Barky

[kfey]

Idk why that question keeps coming up, thank chi_townD lol

 

In my opinion, I don't think a dumper cares if you're mad at them, and honesty even if you are, it won't bother them enough to run Back to your arms.

 

I think in my opinion it bothers them more when you don't care, when it doesn't bother you.

 

I guess that's the place to get to, then!

[barky2]

Can't stress that enough.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[reddragon588]

Idk why that question keeps coming up, thank chi_townD lol

 

In my opinion, I don't think a dumper cares if you're mad at them, and honesty even if you are, it won't bother them enough to run Back to your arms.

 

I think in my opinion it bothers them more when you don't care, when it doesn't bother you.

 

 

 

Barky

 

Yeah, my ex apparently thinks I'm mad at her based on what she told one of my friends. Hasn't gotten her to reach out to me though! It's indifference that bothers them the most.