Conflicted...

[Jayjay]

I need advice, and I need it bad. I am in my 40s, married for 20 years, two kids. I was a virgin until my wedding night and my love life in high school was al but non existent. My marriage has been strained for many, many years. Counselling does not help, we are both selfish...she more stubborn than I. We have not had sex in more than a year, partly for loss of desire on her part -- she has cancer (not curable, but not presently terminal) so to end our marriage would put her in a terrible place, she cannot get insurance and perhaps not able to get a decent job. Neither one of us is happy...and, for the life of me, I just cannot see how we can fix this.

 

I have, however, fallen deeply in love with a friend. She is not available to me sexually...not now, not as long as I am married. She is, however, as close to a "soul mate" as I've ever found. I cherish her friendship, and yet I am so conflicted about my own feelings. To even entertain a relationship beyond friendship is cheating, isn't it? Even without a sexual relationship. Yet I am so smitten. I yearn to talk to her, to hear her vice, to enjoy her e-mail, to study her life, her thought, her very being. She has filled an intimacy gap that has been missing for so long in my life. I don't desire a sexual relatioship with this woman, that would really complicate things, but I cannot help but dream of what might have been..or, what could be.

 

I dread the thought of walking away from this friendship because of my feelings... but I need her freindship, if for no other reason, to keep me sane.

 

Any ideas on what I can do?

[camille]

First of all, does your wife know about this friend of yours?...or is your friendship a secret?

 

Now, about your friend.......do you think she has the same feelings toward you, as you have for her? (you said you were falling in love with her).....or is this a platonic friendship to her?

 

So your wife's cancer is non-curable but non terminal? If you don't mind me asking (Im an RN), what kind of cancer is it? Does she undergo chemo or radiation? How long ago was she diagnosed? Did the change in your intimacy coincide with her cancer diagnosis/treatment, etc?

 

How long have you been going for counseling? You say that it's not working.......what do you mean by that?

 

What are some of the real issues in your relationship with your wife?

 

Are you saying that the only reason you're staying in your 'unhappy/unfulfilling' marriage is because of your wife's health status?

 

camille

[Ashesmum]

I am sorry for your situation. It's a hard position you're in, I'd say. But the one thing you shouldn't do is to leave your wife. You are probly all she's got. Even though you both have no romantic relationship, you do have the past and you don't seem like a jerk that would just think of himself in this situation. But I do think you should be able to get your own life together also. Maybe you should talk with your wife about your relationship (you & your wifes). Maybe she feels the same way about having nothing there anymore. See what she has to say about staying together or splitting apart. And maybe if you separate, you can at least let your new love know this and she would be more understanding. That way you're not wasting your time and life experiences on something better. Good Luck to you...

I need advice, and I need it bad. I am in my 40s, married for 20 years, two kids. I was a virgin until my wedding night and my love life in high school was al but non existent. My marriage has been strained for many, many years. Counselling does not help, we are both selfish...she more stubborn than I. We have not had sex in more than a year, partly for loss of desire on her part -- she has cancer (not curable, but not presently terminal) so to end our marriage would put her in a terrible place, she cannot get insurance and perhaps not able to get a decent job. Neither one of us is happy...and, for the life of me, I just cannot see how we can fix this. I have, however, fallen deeply in love with a friend. She is not available to me sexually...not now, not as long as I am married. She is, however, as close to a "soul mate" as I've ever found. I cherish her friendship, and yet I am so conflicted about my own feelings. To even entertain a relationship beyond friendship is cheating, isn't it? Even without a sexual relationship. Yet I am so smitten. I yearn to talk to her, to hear her vice, to enjoy her e-mail, to study her life, her thought, her very being. She has filled an intimacy gap that has been missing for so long in my life. I don't desire a sexual relatioship with this woman, that would really complicate things, but I cannot help but dream of what might have been..or, what could be. I dread the thought of walking away from this friendship because of my feelings... but I need her freindship, if for no other reason, to keep me sane. Any ideas on what I can do?

[Deejette]

In your case, I think it is OK to continue being with your wife for support through her illness and continue having your special relationship on the side. Normally I think it is best to be honest and up front. But in this case I don't think it would help anything if you told your wife about your interest in the other woman, especially if you are not planning to leave her.

 

You are allowed to have happiness and fulfillment and since this woman gives your life such joy, I don't see any harm in it.

I need advice, and I need it bad. I am in my 40s, married for 20 years, two kids. I was a virgin until my wedding night and my love life in high school was al but non existent. My marriage has been strained for many, many years. Counselling does not help, we are both selfish...she more stubborn than I. We have not had sex in more than a year, partly for loss of desire on her part -- she has cancer (not curable, but not presently terminal) so to end our marriage would put her in a terrible place, she cannot get insurance and perhaps not able to get a decent job. Neither one of us is happy...and, for the life of me, I just cannot see how we can fix this. I have, however, fallen deeply in love with a friend. She is not available to me sexually...not now, not as long as I am married. She is, however, as close to a "soul mate" as I've ever found. I cherish her friendship, and yet I am so conflicted about my own feelings. To even entertain a relationship beyond friendship is cheating, isn't it? Even without a sexual relationship. Yet I am so smitten. I yearn to talk to her, to hear her vice, to enjoy her e-mail, to study her life, her thought, her very being. She has filled an intimacy gap that has been missing for so long in my life. I don't desire a sexual relatioship with this woman, that would really complicate things, but I cannot help but dream of what might have been..or, what could be. I dread the thought of walking away from this friendship because of my feelings... but I need her freindship, if for no other reason, to keep me sane. Any ideas on what I can do?