Author MelWell Posted November 11, 2004 Author Share Posted November 11, 2004 We'll see what happens - if he's showering i'll grab the phone - if not, then screw it i'll just ask after a couple of martinis. thanks for the tips guys! Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 I was snooping through my guys phone once(ive done it more than once, but:) )And I came across an email address. Nothing else. Not a name. Just an email address. It was a yahoo address. WELL, Ya know how you can look up peoples profiles online and stuff? YEAH, IT WAS SOME GIRL! That he DIDNT know! So, I wrote down the b*tches screen name, left her a, not threatening, but not very nice, offline message, asking who she was, and why MY BOYFREIND, had her email address in his cell phone. Well, she never wrote me back. I then went, and took her address off of his phone, and somehow, managed to get his internet access to his phone password blocked. HMMMM. Well, after this, he never even mentioned it, I went through his phone a few weeks later, the email address was still erased, and there were no phone calls to massachusettes. So I guess the point is, SNOOP! it wont hurt Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 15, 2004 Author Share Posted November 15, 2004 So I did it. and guess what i found - a whole lot of NOTHING!!!!! :::whew::: so far so good. i'll keep my eyes open! Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Doubt Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 I read your Orginal Post... What ever happened to honesty and Communication. Wen you approched him the First time, he talked to you about, and from your post the result seemed to be a pleasing one. I guess what I am saying is if you guys are in this committed relationship, and Clearly Communication is there if you could talk civily about it, and he sdaid what he said, why woulkd you be affraid to ask him again? I mean you are not exactly out of line with the question. Even if he gets mad, if he is the guy you say he is he will see the error of his ways and work it out with you, which I think he would, but snooping. tsk tsk. I can not believe women do this. I would never dream of picking up My girls phone and seeing who she is talking to, and if you ever read my other post the general consensus is she is cheating on me, but why stoop to her level and go behind her back and snoop. I mean let's say this guy is still keeping up a conversation with this girl and lieing to you about....I gurrente(sp) that he will Fu@k up, and then you won't have to snoop. And if I can I ask do you feel foolish now for snooping and finding out that he was true....as far as I am concerned Snooping is cheating because you are violating a trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 15, 2004 Author Share Posted November 15, 2004 Well, i see your point (especially if you are a guy). And I know it's wrong. But honestly, i have NEVER had any desire to snoop, until the whole thing happened at first. So it's unfair to say that I am violating his trust, when he violated mine first. And although we did work things out, it takes time to heal and trust again. Once you break trust, it is SO HARD to trust fully - even if you're working on it and things are getting much better. That applies to me too, if he knows i snooped, he would get upset.... but that was a risk i was willing to take, because as he violated my trust - i need to build it again without having to ask him every time i think about it if he's still talking to her... that's just annoying But well, maybe you dont 'understand it, but i needed to know for myself if it was still happening.... either way, if he looks through my stuff - i have nothing to hide.. i don't mind if he has an itch and snoops unless i was hiding something. i'm not saying there isn't a trust issue in this relationship, and i'm the one that was suspicious... i just felt like i had to do this for myself... i did it, and i saw nothing was happening.. you don't know what a load off that is... doesn't make it right, but man i am not sure if you understand how it feels to be worrying and worrying and it's nothing... LOAD OFF Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Well, for some reason - i have a hard time letting go of things... and my tendency of checking his phone needs to end. But whatever, we were drinking a couple of nights ago and after he fell asleep i checked his phone. I didn't even intend to after the last time i checked & it was nothing... Anyhow, i found that she called him, but it was a missed call. So i got nervous and starting thinking way too much about it. Someone tell me if I'm wrong, here's the situation: She was a good friend (with benefits at times) of his for about 4 years who stopped talking to him, then came back out of nowhere.... sans my issue about her texting stuff that was out of line (see first post) and calling way too much for my taste. Anyhow, i confronted him - and he was like i cut her off, but she still calls every once in a while just to say hi and that's it. Liek once a week, she has a boyfriend anyways and just calls to say hi. I'm with him alot, so i know he's not cheating - but we sat down (calmly of course, i really wasn't that upset) and i told him i thought it was disrespectful for her call him so much and flirt. And i told him if she wouldn't have crossed the line i wouldn't mind if they chatted. I have no right to tell him who he can and can't be friends with... he has friends that are girls and i have friends that are guys - it has never bothered either of us. Now he just didn't see the big deal, he was like "i BARELY talk to her".. She texts me to say hi now and then, and that i shouldn't forget they were friends for years before... He did tell me he doesn't talk to her with bad intentions, or with intentions of being disrespectful to me. I believe him, but i feel guilty now for looking @ his phone (again) and i feel that if he does talk to her again he'll just lie to me cuz i freak out everytime it comes up. His face looked so sincere, and he was really sad that i was that as far as we've come that I should be able to trust him etc. And of course, let go of hard feelings. Thing is, he never hides it from me - and he told me "yea she says hi and that's it once in a blue moon, check my phone, check my phone bill - check whatever you want.." he said i am the love of his life and he'll never do anything to hurt me. I'm in a slump people, i need help just letting this GO.... but now i feel a bit stupid about the whole thing... we had the best weekend ever and i brought it up anyways.... i know its nothing, and if i know it - why am i so insanely jealous of this girl??? im just scared of getting hurt. UGGHH.. i really need to trust him i had to vent, feel better... Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Hey Mel, I hate to be the devil's advocate here, but I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend. Ask yourself (and perhaps him) this: If she means nothing, and only calls/texts once in a blue moon to superficially say hi, whats the point? Why can't they just stop talking? Why is he so unwilling to let it go? You're not insane, you have valid concerns. You seem pretty rational, and that you only have a problem with this particular woman because they've been intimate and you perceive that they've crossed boundaries while you were dating your boyfriend. These are valid concerns. Its not like you're trying to cut him off from everyone with a vagina. You dont have to feel so guilty. If my boyfriend was to feel upset by my sporadic contact with someone I had slept with in the past, you bet I'd cut the other guy off. It isn't worth causing someone I care about stress. he said i am the love of his life and he'll never do anything to hurt me. but he is! Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 then there is me, i check the cell bill, nothing to delete that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 He offered to show me the bill, but i didn't want to be a whining baby either... He did say that if it did hurt me, he'll cut it out and tell her to bugger off nicely. He just thought it wasn't a big deal to say hello every once in a while since they were friends before. I want to make sure i wasn't wrong in telling him that it bothers me, even if they were friends, that she still calls to say hello. I hope understood and he said if its going to hurt me or continue to make me feel insecure, then he'll just not answer her anymore at all. I just know that if it would've happened to me, i definitely would've cut it off COMPLETELY. I don't care who they are.... His argument was like, yea but to me it's just like talking to a guy friend i don't see it the way you do. Obviously, though, if he was intimate years ago - there is attraction, and i'm sure he's never slept with his guy friend.. ya feel me?? i just for some reason felt so STUPID for bringing it all up again. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 at least he offers to show you the bill or the phine, my bf will not even do that, which screams liar to me! whatever, i have already detached mainly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 tattoo - what was the situation w/your bf if u don't mind my asking. were u suspicious of something? i just don't understand why men play dumb when it comes to women "oh i didn't see it that way, i didn't do it with those intentions" Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Mel, It bothers you, he's willing to cut it off. Whats the problem? Why not tell him to do it? Are you trying to take the "higher road" and act like it doesn't bother you? I think that admitting it bothers you and asking him to end the correspondence is the most mature thing you could do. After all, he offered. I wish I had taken my boyfriend up on a similar offer for many reasons...especially now that the girl he cut off is crazy and claims they were cheating while he was dating me. If I had cut that off from the beginning I'd have no doubts because I'd know they weren't even talking. But they did spend some time together, and I was being the cool girlfriend (and also trusted him because he had never told me a lie). Finally I busted him in some lies, asked him to cut her off, she went bonkers, and sometimes I'm not sure who to believe. Save yourself the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Wow, I did tell him when he said about cutting off that i would appreciate it because it makes me feel uncomfortable. What i'm worried about though, is that he'll just keep the "hello" friendship and just lie to me about it since i freak out everytime i see a call from her. and you're right, i'd rather cut it off now, than keep trying to be the "cool" girlfriend and have something happen later. Its just that he should know that he should keep himself out of that situation - especially if he was intimate with her before... UUGGGHHH you're right he should totally cut it off and i shouldn't feel guilty for asking him to. darnitt lol Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 What i'm worried about though, is that he'll just keep the "hello" friendship and just lie to me about it since i freak out everytime i see a call from her. If he does this, its on him. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who you are afraid to ask for a compromise like this because he'll lie and cover it up anyway? Are you not going to expect him to be faithful because he'll cheat and cover it up anyway? Why do you feel this way- has he lied to you before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 Honestly, I feel this way because I'm scared of getting hurt.. This is something i really need to get over!!! He's great to me, and we really are happy and help eachother through everything - we're partners in crime! I don't know why i'm so insecure. Thing is, this is my 2nd relationship, my first one i caused the heartbreak (not cheating, just fell out of love) - and i saw how much pain & suffering i caused him. I never want to feel that way, especially from my bf, cuz i'm like smitten here! I NEED to just relax, and trust him. If he screws up - then whatever i'll be fine, its his loss. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Originally posted by MelWell tattoo - what was the situation w/your bf if u don't mind my asking. were u suspicious of something? i just don't understand why men play dumb when it comes to women "oh i didn't see it that way, i didn't do it with those intentions" he did cheat, well.....he "made out" with this b!itch he works with. he is a brewer and she is a bar b!tch. which kinda makes this situation kinda wierd...cause he works with her when she is there, and she or the other "girls" sometimes call or text him when there are bar/ beer/ tap problems at the bar. so in july was when i found out, and right after it happened, and he explained that he liked her blah, blah. we lived together, so me up and leaving was totally inconvinient for me. anyhooo fast forward.....i moved out in oct....told him i thought we should see others, cause i had already detatched my heart in july, and i know he isn't the one and he has said the same to me...so why dragg out this relationship when we each are not as happy as we should be? i am still trying to figure out the last part...he seems to not want to break up right now....i m,ean maybe it is just sex, which does not really bother me...it goes both ways. one of his friends said he is really bad with change, so it could be he is just dragging his feet. i am separating myself more each day. but anyways...so i still do not trust him. although moving out has helped with the desire to snoop, thank god- i hate being snoopy! but at the same time, i am like well who the hell know what goes on there? i try not to care to much. he still does talk with and text the b!tch, and actually had a "Craving " for a white russian last fri. night and went up to the bar- where he works, and wouldn't you know she was the one working. i got real pissed after he told me, especially when i had to ask who was bartending? so that right there is just flagrant actions on his part. which i told him. i do not know what to do....besides my own thing, and i lie about where i go and what i do and who with now, it just really sucks! oh yeah, and he never ever goes up to work, ever....and it was 10 pm at night! after he cheated, i was out maybe a week later and this guy i now, but only see in the summer was up at the bar i go to, so i said let me do what my bf would do..... anyways ended up sleeping with the guy that night, which i know was my passive agressive revenge on my bf, but like i was saying earlier, after he cheated in july, it was basically open season for me. and the only guy i have doen anything with are the summer guy and this other FWB i am talking with recently, and we just kissed. i know i am a terrible gf, but there is no fury like a woman scorn! if you do not cross me i am super duper- if you f***e me over i get really pissy! Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Its always a risk. Tell him what will make you happy (sounds like that is cutting off the girl) and give him the chance to prove how trustworthy he is! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 I will thanks, I am going to take his word for it. Give him the benefit of the doubt - and really try to trust him again. Trust is key in a relationship, it's one of the key things to happiness too. So I need to do it. tattoo - i would just cut off this guy. Unless you're having fun. But it seems like a big mixup altogether. I know i couldn't handle someone else calling him especially if he cheated!!!! Try & get out of it, and find someone better that you DESERVE. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 and we have been together 2 yrs in jan. But he is 23 and i am 25, which maturity wise, for him at least, is a huge difference...plus i am also wiser than my years. so most the time, i think that he just spouts off what his young mind thinks to be true, and actually he is starting to grow and change, since i left. i dunno what i will do yet....i almost do not really even care one way or the other.....but i really do! i ramble....sorry, and i am random too, i have no real train of thought it is all just there.....so sorry if my posts are written terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 its ok, i understand what you mean. Do you love this guy? If there's some hope then i'd work on it, but if you don't see a future with him, then why bother. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Damn Toes, I had no idea. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 that is the thing, i see no future....i have decided if i am to marry someone it will be someone i can tell anything and everything to, no secrets. someone i can be me around..that means all the good stuff and bad. and he is not that person, at least right now he is not. i have said i want to date other, i never push it cause Yes, i do love him and care about him, but i have fallen out of love with him. for all i can see it, this quasi-relationship we have is simply one for his convinience, though mine too. But, on the positive side....i have grown soo much. i have learned all these things about myself, i may have never bothered to challenge if not for us, i have also learnd how skewed some peoples perceptions of things can be. and we do still have a good time hanging out and being together. so it is not wasted time, but it is time that is causing me more stress and s*** that is not needed, or dare i even say worth it. ~llama, it is ok...i have thought of posting all this, but i know what i need to do, and do not need other people to tell me what a dingle i am for hanging around this long. although you can tell me! Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 We're all dingles, hon!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MelWell Posted November 23, 2004 Author Share Posted November 23, 2004 It's true, we all for some reason like to hang around unpleasant situations & cause ourselves pain. Think it makes us feel alive. Gosh, that was my deep thought for the day.. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 23, 2004 Share Posted November 23, 2004 self condemnation with no physical harm....gotta love it! Link to post Share on other sites
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