Update after 7 years! Leaving a friend because of feelings

[Arazi1982]

I typed out this long reply to my original post from way back in 2006, "Leaving a friend because of feelings?".

 

I didn't realize that you couldn't update old posts so here's a new thread because I didn't want to accept that I'd typed out all of the below for nothing, and I really do hope someone going through something similar finds it useful.

 

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Tonight, while working (very) late, a thought suddenly hit me - "remember that girl you were crazy about years ago? Didn't you write to some forum about it once? Wonder if it's still around..."

 

Sure enough, after some Google-fu, I found this and said I'd post a update for those who may be in a similar unrequited situation. I like when people come back to topics and "tie a bow around it", so to speak, so I said I'd do the same.

 

First off, **CRINGEFEST**!!!. Man, it's tough to read what I originally wrote - I want to smack my old self silly for such whiny navel-gazing. I even mentioned the bloody "The Secret". Talk about red flags...

 

Here's the TL;DR: I'm married to a beautiful woman, have two of the cutest kids imaginable, a great job, a wonderful life, and I never hardly ever think about my original crush.

 

So what was the trick to getting over her? Cutting off all contact (stick to it!) and the passage of time, quel surprise.

 

I pined for her every day for probably two years but it got easier each week. You'd be surprised how these crushes, whom you thought were one of your best friends, turn out to be maybe not so close to you after all. You realize that you don't really know them that well and you are not the center of their world by any stretch.

 

I remember one day, shortly after I had met and started a relationship with my future wife, it striking me; Bee never made me laugh. Sure we would joke around, but this new girl, oh man, she had me rolling in the aisles with her wit.

 

That simple fact made a huge impact, and I really haven't thought about her much since then.

 

And once a relationship starts, *whew*, do you get to know a person in a real, meaningful way. I remember thinking crushes are like the tip of an iceberg - you're focused on the minutiae of what's visible but you are never exposed to the real substance below. This new girl, we could talk about anything, and because she liked me, it brought a whole new set of experiences and challenges. You are certainly not worrying about who is trying to walk between whom on the street, *facepalm*.

 

Bobbie said in an above reply, "I think it's the difference between being ready for a relationship or not." That was spot-on. I was just a kid, not ready at all to get to know a woman properly, to experience life fully with, and to be confident in who I am. It took a few more years before I liked myself, to a healthy degree. Life is way more fun when you are happy.

 

So, further details on getting yourself out such a rut. Cutting off contact is a must, period. And no cheating. It means no texts, no calls, no IMs, unfriending on Facebook, unfollow on Twitter etc etc. Yeah you might get some "What's wrong with you?" messages but I honestly wouldn't bother engaging at all. You'll be amazed how quickly those stop.

 

It is easy? Not in the least, and sure they might think/say you're being a d**k, but the goal here is get happy and balanced again, not to go back to square one. What about your friends in common? That's your choice, but I cut them off too and lo and behold the universe didn't end. You find new friends; the world is full of nice people.

 

Was I ever tempted to contact her again? You bet. Got pretty close on a couple of occasions but luckily avoided that. Think it would have been a big setback. The daydreams continue but they pass over time.

 

It has been 6 or 7 years now since this all happened. Of course you don't forget about her completely. All it takes is hearing their name again somewhere and thoughts come flooding back. But in a manageable, normal way. You can even afford yourself a smile to the memory.

 

How about the question, "did she ever make contact with you?". Yes, she did, a little over year ago. It was a "friend request"-type connection on a business social network. Probably an address book auto-invite or something but who knows.

 

I thought about ignoring it but I have to say that curiosity got the better of me. I accepted. Just to see what's she's up to, I told myself. But I knew that I was being vain because I had been fortunate with my career and had some fancy titles listed. I knew that I wanted to impress her - those old feelings, and indeed an old me, were still rumbling around.

 

Her profile picture showed she was still beautiful, without doubt. And she had done well with her studies, achieving some high goals. But there was no follow up message. I didn't send her anything either or keep visiting her profile - luckily it tells you who has been looking at your profile which is an effective crush deterrent

 

In fact, while writing this post, it struck me, "why are you even connected to her at all? Follow the rules, no contact means no contact. It's the right thing for you and your family."

 

So I removed her just now. I almost didn't feel a thing.

 

Almost.

Edited August 23, 2013 by Arazi1982