Holding out on Marriage for the butterflies to die?

[Knoxpwns]

So, I have never posted here on the Marriage forums, as I recently left a tough relationship. The reason I am here is because something is wracking my brain that worries me in my future relationships, and that is the idea that I want to try to "wait it out" for the butterflies to die before getting married.

 

Hear me out here.

 

In my last (and first) relationship, it was pretty serious. we dated for about 6-7 years, lived together for 5. We spoke of marriage often after about the first year or so. I loved this girl more than anything. To be frank, at the time I was about 20, and had I had the money I would have married her on the spot. We spoke of our lives, children, houses, where we wanted to live, everything.

 

Well, obviously I wouldn't be here if that had gone to plan. She eventually stopped loving me after about 3 years had passed, continued faking it and it didn't start dawning on me until about year 5. (blinded by love lol)

 

Well, for me, I never stopped loving her. I knew when the butterflies died. did small things start to bug me about her? yea, but I kept it to myself because I could handle it and I loved her. I was completely ok with spending eternity with her, even after the relationship cooled down. I loved spending every moment with her and that never changed.

 

 

And thats what scares me. I am a guy that is young, but has wanted the "whole package" since in my late teens. I wasn't built for the bull**** of young love. I want to have an awesome wife, the smartass little kids, the white picket fence, you know the drill.

 

So here we are, the idea of divorce. Its happened to so many here, hell its happened to every male in my family save my grandpa on my mothers side. Having someone who doesn't like you anymore teathered to you for life, the poor children caught up in the mix, alimony, child support, all that nightmare.

 

So, it seems like a lot of the time marriage comes up after like a year or so of dating. Is it objectionable to try to wait out getting married for the honeymoon phase to die out of the relationship, to know I'm with someone who REALLY wants to spend the rest of my life with me?

 

All the indicators were there in my last relationship, but I was too blinded by love to admit they existed. That is something I carry with me into my next relationships, and I think I will call it better next time. But still, I guess after having everything crumble on me in this relationship after so long, the idea of marriage pretty much seems like a method for women to entrap men into paying for her to live the rest of her life.

[Els]

I don't personally think there's anything wrong with waiting well past the honeymoon stage to get married; it works very well for some folks.

 

But this:

 

But still, I guess after having everything crumble on me in this relationship after so long, the idea of marriage pretty much seems like a method for women to entrap men into paying for her to live the rest of her life.

 

is a whole different kettle of fish. If you have this view of marriage, then you shouldn't be marrying at all, period, not after 1 year and not after 10. Not until you view it differently.

 

What were your real motives for starting this thread, really?

[Philosoraptor]

This is a double edged sword in its own right. As oftentimes one or both parties can become disinterested or pull back due to the lack of progression.

 

I think the best thing to do is not to overthink it and trust yourself enough to know you're making the right decision for you. Once you know you're compatible, and both parties feel like they want to spend the rest of your life with each other, why not take the next step. By not doing so it makes it too easy to hide and walk away from the problems, versus actually working through them.

 

Yes, it's always a risk. But you need to trust yourself enough to know you're taking the right risks.

[Brunettie]

I don't think anyone should get married (or engaged) while they're still in the honeymoon phase. During that phase of course you feel like you want to marry the other person. I think it's beneficial to let those butterflies fade and let the more real, deeper, lasting love set in.

How are you when things aren't amazing 24/7? Do you still enjoy the relationship? Even when you find things about the other annoying, are they deal breakers? Or do you find them cute and endearing? In the beginning, the rose colored glasses are on and they're not as noticeable.

[Knoxpwns]

I don't personally think there's anything wrong with waiting well past the honeymoon stage to get married; it works very well for some folks.

 

Well it's good to see some people don't find it a crazy idea. To be frank relationships move FAST these days, and it seems like a lot of times its a rush to the finish line for people.

 

 

is a whole different kettle of fish. If you have this view of marriage, then you shouldn't be marrying at all, period, not after 1 year and not after 10. Not until you view it differently.

 

What were your real motives for starting this thread, really?

 

To see if the idea I have here is as crazy as I feel it is. like I said, relationships move FAST these days.

 

I wouldn't read into my last bit as hard as you are. I will be the first to admit I am a bit jaded coming out of a tough relationship, but it's only been a month so I wouldn't expect to hold that sentiment forever.

 

How are you when things aren't amazing 24/7? Do you still enjoy the relationship? Even when you find things about the other annoying, are they deal breakers? Or do you find them cute and endearing? In the beginning, the rose colored glasses are on and they're not as noticeable.

 

In terms of my last relationship? I was great even when things got tough. I was ready for the long haul, regardless of what came at us. Of course I still enjoyed it, I never wanted it to end. When I found those annoying things? some endearing or silly, some annoying. To be frank, if its not negatively impacting myself, others, or my relationship, I can deal better than you would expect. Its gonna take a lot more than a quirk to get me out of there.

 

To be honest I feel like people are getting the idea from my post that I am the one who walks out fast. That couldn't have been further from the truth. I still loved her to the day she left, and even with all the **** she did to me (mental abuse, cheating, faking love) I still can say somewhere inside me I still love her a lot, and I know for a fact on my front that I still care about her deeply.

 

The point of the thread was simply to get some outer perspective on the idea of waiting a solid 3+ years before getting married in a society where you constantly see people getting married in a matter of months.

Edited August 23, 2013 by Knoxpwns

[dgiirl]

I don't see anything wrong with waiting 3+ years as long as you both are looking for the long term. You don't want to waste too much time if its not going to work either, so you have to be honest and keep your focus on marriage instead of just being lazy and ignoring the issue.

 

I met my exh when I was 20 and we were together for 11 years (5.5 married). I wasted TOO much time in this dysfunctional relationship. I then dated my ex-bf for 6 years. The first few years I was adamant that I would never live with or marry ever again. Slowly, my feelings changed, but what I failed to see was he was pulling away. I don't know if we waited too long or ignored the red flags for too long. Either way, I feel I have kinda wasted my youth, more so with my exh than my bf, but still, I'm 39 now. Although I look amazing for my age, I'm scared the boat has already set sail on ever being happily married for the rest of my life.

 

Don't let yourself be too jaded on marriage. You'll waste valuable time.

[almond]

I think things are a bit different in younger relationships. Both parties are growing and changing so rapidly, and a lot of the time, you simply grow in different directions. Things may be a bit clearer in your next relationship, as both of you would have had more time to grow as individuals and learn more about who you are and what you want.

 

But, I am with you all the way. I would not even consider marrying someone that I had not been with for at least three years. I'm like you - I do not want to divorce. Marriage is such a huge decision, and I want enough time for us to settle and for me to be as sure as I can that we will be in it for the long haul.

 

I don't think you're jaded - I think waiting is wise.

[Els]

Well it's good to see some people don't find it a crazy idea. To be frank relationships move FAST these days, and it seems like a lot of times its a rush to the finish line for people.

 

 

To see if the idea I have here is as crazy as I feel it is. like I said, relationships move FAST these days.

 

I wouldn't read into my last bit as hard as you are. I will be the first to admit I am a bit jaded coming out of a tough relationship, but it's only been a month so I wouldn't expect to hold that sentiment forever.

 

Fair enough.

 

At the 3rd year mark of my R, I actually had no thoughts of marriage yet (though that was probably due more to my age than anything else). I personally would be fine waiting several years, and probably even prefer it, for reasons almond suggests. However, I think that's a 'different strokes for different folks' thing - some people have gotten married early and had things work out well. That doesn't mean that you need to force yourself into that train of thought if you disagree with it, though.

 

I think the last bit of your opening post (that you suggested I not 'read much into') says more about where you currently are with regards to relationships/marriage, than the rest of your post combined, though. I would strongly suggest that you not do anything more than casual date, until such a time as you get out of that mindset. Waiting years is fine, but not for that reason.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

I try to be a realist as much as I can and I am often quite blunt and harsh in these boards. But way deep down I am really a great big softy and romantic.

 

My gut instinct now that I am almost 50 and looking back on a life time of a lot of love, a good number of heartbreaks, a lot of home runs, a few grand slams as well as a lot of walks and strike outs, is that if you find someone that is a good, solid, decent person every day of the week with or without you, and you click with them....SNATCH THEM UP QUICK before someone else does.

 

Sure sure sure, take the time to date them and truly get to know them and make sure you aren't being duped or manipulated blah blah blah but if you do a sincere and legitimate job of screening their potential at some point you just have to take a leap of faith.

 

So my gut is telling me, 'no' don't wait once you know someone is a solid human being and a good partner for you.

 

Perhaps what you should try to do instead is embrace the opposite end of the spectrum more. Embrace and face up to the idea of divorce. Yes, face your fears of divorce. Learn about it. become aware of it. See it for what it really is. Learn where it lives, find out what it eats, learn it's habits and how it lives and breeds. Find out what feeds it and find out what kills it.

 

But most of all find out how to live with it in your environment and how to survive it.

 

Think of it like a venomous snake that lives in your environment. They are out there and you can't make them go away. you can either lay awake nights worrying about them and fearing them and simply hoping they come and bite you.

 

Or you can learn about them, learn where they live and hide out, learn what they eat, where they go, what they eat and find out how it is that people get bit by them and what really happens to them when the get bit.

 

Divorce much like the snake. If you know where it hides and what it eats and what it's habits are, you are more skilled at avoiding it. No guarentees you won't encounter one but the chances are less.

 

Divorce Like the snake, most, not all but most bites occur when people are reaching into places they shouldn't or are not looking where they are walking or sitting or reaching when they are in the woods.

 

Divorce like the snake bite, is often painful, temporarily debilitating, ugly and often leaves some kind of scar..... but the vast, vast, vast majority of people survive them and after receiving prompt, appropriate care heal up and go on to live perfectly healthy and happy lives.

 

Unlike the snake, there are times that divorce is actually the right thing to do and more harm is caused by not doing it.

 

Face your fears of divorce and learn how to avoid it, live with it, treat it and survive it, and you will be less afraid of finding love on the front end.