about work colleague and friend (long story sorry)

[JMW81]

I will keep this as brief as possible, I have known this girl for 2 years, I am 33 and she is 31 and over the past year we have become especially close as in having days out, drinks together after work and on weekends and spending all of our lunch times together (we work in the same building) and we even book days off to do things. I knew around 6 months ago that things were feeling different around her and around 3 months ago I felt I had to come clean and tell her that I had developed feelings for her as it was a case of "if I never tell her she will never know". Anyway, her response was that I had caught her by surprise and could I give her time to think about how she feels.

 

So I did this and I was fortunately on holiday for 2 weeks so we had no contact, she then asked to speak with me and said she had only ever seen me as a friend and was struggling to see me as more. This wasn't what I wanted to hear but I thought ok well at least you know, let's move on and hopefully the friendship won't be ruined. I explained I may need a little time to adapt and get over my feelings and she agreed however she still wanted to see me all of the time. If I went on lunch she would want to come, if I didn't go to see her then she would ask why and then asked if I would like to join an outside work sports club with her which we went to but she decided on the way she had changed her mind and wanted to go for a meal instead.

 

She constantly tells me how many guys approach her on evenings out and how many guys crash at her place every weekend as she owns her own apartment, she always adds that they are just mates or people that her friends invite over but I haven't heard of any of their names previously when she mentions them. She also drops in that they stay on the couch but I am not in a position to question her any further about this arrangement as the reality is I have no say in it anyway as I am just her friend. The problem also is that she has been known to lie and I wonder how much of what she tells me is truth and how much is to see my reaction (which I never give). If she isn't lying then it is also a concern that different men are staying over every weekend I guess.

 

Recently she wanted to spend the day together for a picnic at the park which we did. She brought up "us" again but again it was just to remind me that I liked her but she was still unable to see me as more than a friend and she wanted to know how I was dealing with it all.

 

My biggest dilemma now is that what she says and what she does are two different things, is this normal in a girl/woman who is 31yrs old? She always says she loves me but can't have feelings for me yet she wants to see me all the time, gets jealous if I speak to other girls and also makes suggestive jokes to me which she never used to do. She has told me I am "hot" and she talks about and questions me about sex which she never used to do.

 

Bizarrely she also never initiates contact via phone either but will always reply, sometimes a day later but always at least after a few hours. She says she isn't in to texting which I accept but then she tells me how many guys have been messaging her that day.

 

Last week I had had enough so I backed off completely and explained it wasn't because I didn't care about her but because I felt I needed to as it was playing on my mind constantly. She became upset as neither of us want to lose the friendship so I was left feeling the bad one then but stuck to it. Now she has approached me this week to ask if I can help her fix something at her apartment and that she will buy me some beers and we can have a few drinks there before maybe going out somewhere. I am unsure whether she is doing this in an attempt to keep the friendship (which would be unfair as I have explained how depressed I have been over this) or whether she is coming around to the idea. I said I would see as I find it hard to say no to her and then since that she also suggested us meeting this weekend for a drink with friends as she is out for the next 3 nights again. I am reluctant to do that though as last time I did I spent the time watching her lapping up male attention and looking over to check I was watching, only when I left the club did she come running out after me to ask if I would see her home safely.

 

I just feel like I am going in circles and I have tried so hard to be open and honest about how I feel. All of my friends and her friends are in agreeance that she does have something for me but she still denies it so all I can do is walk away and hope we can pick up the friendship in the future. My question is though, does this sound like normal behaviour to you? And has anyone had this problem with a work colleague, it has made it so hard and I have no doubt if I didn't see her all day every day then I would have walked away by now as I still have some pride left

 

Any advice on what to do would be appreciated.

 

J

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Read up on emotional whores. It's pretty common in guys that are friend zoned a lot. It might shed light on what you're experiencing.

[Teknoe]

My biggest dilemma now is that what she says and what she does are two different things, is this normal in a girl/woman who is 31yrs old?

 

Actions always speak louder than words. Pay mind to her actions, not to what she says.

 

Go with your gut. She's a mess. Do not approach her romantically. Move on, romantically.

[imtooconfused]

JMW81, I could have written your story. As much as you think you two have things in common, you are on completely opposite sides of the world on the most important thing that you have, your heart. Her feelings end at the point of being friend, your feelings start at the point of being a dating partner. I am sorry to say that her feelings will NEVER change, no matter how much you show yourself to be the perfect partner for her. In addition, now that you have fallen for her, your feelings will always be there. Therefore this emotional chasm between you two will NEVER go away.

 

The biggest problem for you is the fact that you won't ever be able to find the right partner for yourself while you are "going around in circles" with this woman. As I have said elsewhere, she is doing the female equivalent of c**k blocking you. As such, while it may seem like she is being your friend, she is actually being very mean to you. If she can't respect your feelings and what being around her does to you, you need to find the nerve to distance yourself completely with her and let her know you are no longer OK with being "just friends." I know how hard it is given the fact that you work together, but you need to let her know she should rely on the other guy "friends" for the things that you do for her. It should be pretty easy for her to turn to them and maybe she will get off your back.

 

Oh, and... Thank you for reminding me how mean these kind of women can be.