just barely living, in a frozen Hell.

[MassiveAtom]

Hi all,

 

As you know my wife of 8 years is leaving.

I was a mess yesterday because the sadness really started hitting me hard.

I saw a therapist (energy work) and feel much better today.

 

I went home with renewed calm, and a peacfulness I can only describe as Rock solid.

But there's something else. My wife has become VERY cold and callous toward me.

 

She has these enormous barriers around her now. I'm not sure why. I'm not the manipulative type. She never has a kind word for me, just flat, cold, and uncaring. Do people really have a "switch" they can just flip and not give a damn anymore?

 

Or is there something REALLY wrong with my wife?

 

Is it common for a departing spouse to be just plain mean?

 

mA

[supermom]

Sorry to hear about your heartache. Maybe your wife is being mean on purpose so that she won't "break down" herself. She's trying to convince herself this is the right decision.

 

Any way of asking her if you two could part as friends? It's been known to happen.

[meanon]

No MA, people can't suddenly switch off caring. She is creating the emotional distance she needs to leave. Once she's dealt with the guilt and knows she won't fracture at the expression of a kind word then the consideration will return. Do tell her if you feel she is being unreasonable. Hang in there, this will pass.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by supermom

Sorry to hear about your heartache. Maybe your wife is being mean on purpose so that she won't "break down" herself.

 

I would concur. This could be her way of cutting the ties because like supermom said,

 

She's trying to convince herself this is the right decision.

[MassiveAtom]

It would be easier for me if I knew she was absolutely convinced her decision. And the was just a mean, evil person. But to realize that she's conflicted is really hard to know.

 

I wish I had such a switch.

 

 

mA

[immoralist]

Your wife is protecting herself and you, in her way. For whatever reasons, she's emotionally convinced that her marriage is over and she has closed her heart to you. Her present coolness and distance is simply an exclamation point to that emotional fact.

 

Because she has resolved to leave, she's being careful not to give you, by word, deed or even facial expression, false hopes that she'll reconsider. She's wearing a mask that signals emotional distance, separation and a distant coolness.

 

In her way, she's preparing herself and you for D-Day (ie, Departure Day).

 

Try not to take her defensive coolness too personally.

[MassiveAtom]

Well there you have it.

 

Time to let go.

 

so sad.

 

mA

[startingover1028]

As a wife who can relate to your situation - (I have also shut my husband out) I can tell you that, for me anyway, the cold, distancing bahavior is simply a manifestation of the feelings that I have inside. I cannot speak for your wife, but I know that, as far as I am concerned, my relationship is dead and no amount of work will resurrect it.

 

Try talking to your wife, not in an accusatory tone, but in a way that will let her know that whatever she is feeling is acceptable to you. I think she will be more likely to open up to you if she feels safe in knowing that you won't get angry or blame her for her feelings.

 

These are simply my feelings. I hope you are able to come to terms with this. I wish you peace.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by startingover1028

 

Try talking to your wife, not in an accusatory tone, but in a way that will let her know that whatever she is feeling is acceptable to you. I think she will be more likely to open up to you if she feels safe in knowing that you won't get angry or blame her for her feelings.

 

That matter of fact tone in the rest of your post StartingOver, is so very familiar.

 

Last night,

I asserted my instincts to keep my family safe, " If you want to leave, go. But don't take my family away. I can't just let you pickup and run off with everyone. I don't want to lose my family. "

Her reply was darker than the room were in, "Then have your lawyer draw up papers and I'll see you in court."

 

My response was, " I'm not trying to fight with you, I don't want to fight with you anymore. There is no need for this to become adversarial. Can we be civil?"

She ignored me.

I didn't threaten, didn't plead, didn't accuse. I just communicated my wishes to her. As a good husband should. I think.

 

Just this morning, Tapping her on the shoulder, I quietly offered, "Whatever you think is best"

She frowned and looked puzzled.

Isn't it obvious what I was talking about?

 

After I did some clarifying, she started breaking me down about all the old cliches men in this society must face.

 

I responded, somewhat sadly I must admit, " I understand how you feel, I was in the same place before remember? I'm sorry that you feel that way because I remember how painful and confusing it can be, I don't blame you for the way you feel and I won't hold it against you. . I want you to be happy, even if you feel you can only have that happiness without me. You know I won't try to force you to stay, it's impossible to do anyway. If this is what you want and need for your happiness, then it's exactly what I want for you. I want our marriage to work, and you're right it's not working."

 

Followed only by, "You know, I found a place today."

 

My reply, "That's good, I hope you can be happy there."

 

her response, " Oh I will, I can't wait to start my new life."

 

I'm devastated today.

 

Is it so hard for her to say something like, "that means alot to me, I know you can find the strength to get through the pain you're in" or maybe, " I know this sucks for you, and I really appreciate that you're supporting me through this. I'm really sorry about all of this. I didn't want it to come to this but it has. Take care of yourself and it'll all be alright."

 

Why is it that when I show her compassion, she shows me none?. I've talked with her about being more compassionate to everyone in our family long ago and recently, yet she only has compassion for our kids and pets. She tells me I should be able to cope on my own, which I can do just fine, but the reason I got married, and she knew this, was so that I could love openly and fully, and be loved the same way. With forgiveness, Acceptance, Understanding, Kindness, Compassion and all that I am.

 

I feel like I'm being poisoned against any future relationship with her.

 

and yes, I've even told her that too.

 

mA

[startingover1028]

Why is it that when I show her compassion, she shows me none?

 

I feel like I'm being poisoned against any future relationship with her.

 

She can't afford to show you compassion! If she does that, it may only encourage you to think that she may, once again, have feelings for you. She probably doesn't want to give you false hope so she has walled herself off from you.

 

I doubt that she set out to hurt you but sometimes, it's easier for one person to make the other WANT to go away rather than to come right out and say, "It's over for me." This way, if she treats you badly enough, for long enough, you'll be the one to say, "I can't take it anymore." That will alleviate some of the resposibility for the breakup from her.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by startingover1028

She can't afford to show you compassion! If she does that, it may only encourage you to think that she may, once again, have feelings for you. She probably doesn't want to give you false hope so she has walled herself off from you.

 

I know the relationship is over. I don't agree that divorce is the only option. Most importantly, I know that people can treat people kindly no matter what the situation. I actually don't want her to deal with the confusion of having feelings for me again. I'm not hoping for that at all.

 

A little fewer assumptions and a few more honest questions, and she would know that.

 

I have no false hope that our marriage will continue or even ever restart. If it must end, I just want us to start our lives without all the pain that I know we can cause each other.

 

I doubt that she set out to hurt you but sometimes, it's easier for one person to make the other WANT to go away rather than to come right out and say, "It's over for me." This way, if she treats you badly enough, for long enough, you'll be the one to say, "I can't take it anymore." That will alleviate some of the responsibility for the breakup from her.

 

 

She has told me that it's over for her. She told me that in no uncertain terms. I believe her.

Taking the "easier" way out is often the way more fraught with trouble. It looks like there won't be any trouble, but the land-mines are the ones that can rip you apart. If it's too easy, it just isn't worth doing.

 

I recognize my responsibility in the current status of our marriage. I own it, I accept it, It hurts. It's too bad that she can't own up to her own, and deal with it.

 

It seems these are the tactics of a person who can't let go of fear. And I don't fault her for being scared, she's taking the easy road to a hard life, but in the end, I hope she'll be happy nonetheless.

 

As for me, I'll be a better person for all of this, I know. That's "Better," not "bitter."

 

mA

[startingover1028]

As for me, I'll be a better person for all of this, I know. That's "Better," not "bitter."

 

We should all be so fortunate to have the foresight to realize that in the long run... we are all better people as a result of the shared experiences - no matter how horrific or painful they seem at the time. You have a leg-up on this one!

 

Then, there are those of us who will continue to go through life bitter, hurt, confused and dazed!

[MassiveAtom]

Slight correction.

 

I know the MARRIAGE is over, but our relationship must continue. And it MUST BE GOOD!!

For the sake of my daughters.

 

That's why I can't understand her being so godawful nasty to me. Poisoning our future relationship by creating tension and pain where there would be none, is mean-spirirted. Although if I think about it, I guess I really can understand the insulation she's putting around her. I don't think it's for my sake either. In hindsight, she rarely considers my needs.

 

This is about her. that's all. She's a gutsy chick for sure.

 

I wish her the best in life.

 

mA

[meanon]

It would be easier for me if I knew she was absolutely convinced her decision. And the was just a mean, evil person. But to realize that she's conflicted is really hard to know.

I think your wife is sure of her decision, she no longer feels the same way for you and staying in such circumstances is not an option. Loss of love is a dreadfully sad thing, whether it's you that's lost the love or your partner.

 

The conflicted feelings arise because the currency of communication (love) is absent and there is nothing that can take it's place. It is one of the reasons that living with someone you no longer love is so difficult. You know the other person like the back of your hand, yet you no longer share your emotional life with them and, as such, you feel they are a stranger to you. You are in exile from the marriage. There are also feelings of guilt and shame at no longer being able to deliver on the commitment you've made to love forever.

 

People deal with this in different ways, but it's not uncommon to bring the shutters down in an effort to get through it and to get out. If life was fair she would have sufficient detachment to share the sadness with you, express compassion and provide emotional support. It would mean a return to trying to share her emotional life with you at a time when she is mourning it's loss. That would require tremendous strength and objectivity. It may simply be beyond what she is capable of at the moment. Your needs no longer take priority, hers do.

 

Once you are separated, it's likely that she will not feel this conflict to the same degree. Don't worry too much for the future, you will re-build your relationship from an entirely different basis. She will always care for you as someone who she loved and there is your daughter to consider too.

 

You need to start finding other ways to meet your emotional needs. The sooner you stop trying to share the experience with her and rely on her for support, the better for both of you. Turn to others for help. Whilst it may be helpful to understand her behaviour in view of the fact that you will have an ongoing relationship, that doesn't mean you have to accept it. Challenge her hostility, but make it clear you expect common courtesy and respect rather than compassion and comfort.

 

It is all about her, it's no longer about you both. That's what separation is all about. You may have accepted the decision to end the marriage but for some time you will continue to experience what that actually means. Once you've worked your way through it, you will reach true acceptance of all the consequences.

 

You're doing really well, MA. Things may continue to be hard for a while but they will get better.

[MassiveAtom]

In retrospect my needs never really were important to her.

But I've forgiven her already, and I'm preparing to move on.

 

We'll have a discussion tonight about how to frame the announcement so that it's as positive and as uplifting as possible. Hopefully she'll agree that we need to emphasize for our kids how this IS the best thing for all of us.

 

It's very clear to me now.

 

mA