Problem with Girlfriend's past

[rexy]

Hello everyone

 

I'll try to keep my story as short as possible and to the point but without overlooking some core details (at least to my opinion), I hope this will not bore you and I appreciate any kinds of thoughts on the matter.

 

The story goes like this: about 8 months ago a friend of mine introduced me to a good friend of his that was visiting town. He said that she is a great person and that I should try and "make a move" on her if I was interested.

I met his friend and at first nothing really happened, I thought she was very nice and intelligent but I wasn’t really interested so you can say it wasn’t exactly love at first sight.

A bit after I started noticing that something was there and shortly after we "hit it off". Since then, I went through the process of falling head over heals in love with this girl (as she did with me) and we've been together and madly in love ever since. This girl is truly remarkable and I really love her from the bottom of my heart (we are already discussing marriage).

 

In any case, shortly after we fell for each other (about 7 months ago) she one day told me that she has something hard to tell me: she had told me that in the past ( around 5 years before me and her met) she had sex a few times with my friend that introduced us. She said that she was a different person, young and in college. She said that she really doesn't remember any of it (she was drunk every time it happened) and that she had pretty much repressed it. I guess it came to me as a bit of shock, more so because her and this friend were (and still are) truly good buddies and without a hint of sexual tension.

 

I first of all thanked her for voluntarily telling me this and for her being so honest (she insisted that she didn't want me to hear this by chance from someone else). At first I was a bit upset, not because I thought she was a virgin or anything, we both have our histories and that's fine, but I guess my ego was a bit hurt and I told her (and still believe) that had I known before we met I probably wouldn't have fallen for her (so maybe its good that I didn't because she is the best thing that happened to me). Anyways, at first it wasn't too bad but I've noticed that as the time went by it got worse and worse, like I keep putting images of her and him in my head and it drives me nuts. Moreover, he's my friend and a good guy and i still hang out with him but its a bit of different energy, it gets worse when the 3 of us are together (I will never ask her to not see him because they are good friends and more than that he introduced us so I guess in a way I owe him).

 

Why does this bother me so much? I've been obsessing over this and I keep running these images in my head, I think I'm also a bit disturbed by the fact that my friend is kind of a player and he can be somewhat of a douche to women. My girlfriend told me that after it happened back then she was kind of kicking herself for letting him treat her like ****, then she also added: "if it wouldn't have happened me and him wouldn't have been friends and I would have never met you" - a thing that is probably true .

I think over a course of a year they had sex maybe 4 or 5 times and I know they were both really drunk so I can't imagine it was too hot or kinky, she also told me that but I'm not sure if she's just trying to make me feel better.

 

I am not jealous of her in the sense that I think she has any attraction to him or any other guy for that matter, I trust her completely and I know she loves me like crazy...... I guess they were just buddies who got drunk a few times and ended up in bed, regardless, it is driving me bonkers.

 

Does anyone have any advice? don't tell me to dump her because I really don't think that something like this should be a reason for me to dump the love of my life. Am I just over reacting or am I just being insecure about something else? I have spoken with my therapist over this and I have realized that its stupid of me to obsess this way, still, I can't get these images out of my head.

Help me please.

thanks y'all

[road]

100% normal to not want the OM around any more.

 

She was younger and it appears they were just horny and it was convenient sex. It was good that she told you.

 

Now if she has not cheated on you, you do not suspect her cheating with this guy, you like her keep her.

 

The problem is your have the taste in your mind that you got the OM's left overs.

 

This will fade away if two things are done. First she will have to NC the OM. This shows that she values having you in her life more then the OM. That she wants you over the OM.

 

Second, you must go NC with the OM. You do not need the reminder that you got his leavings. Need to remove the triggers of OM banging your GF every time you have contact with the OM. Then you remover the nagging doubt that the OM got GF to put out before he may try again worries.

 

Every GF will have a past. She has been honest. Tine for you to go into protect your territory mode.

Edited August 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed full OP quote

[sweetkiwi]

I don't completely disagree with what Road is saying, though it may not be necessary to go NC on your mutual friend. Continue talking toyto your therapist, and when need be, your girlfriend.

 

I've had a similar situation. And I wouldn't dream of telling someone he couldn't keep a close friend because they'd had sex. Unless the other person was trying to interfere in the relationship. Then it's a fight to the death.

 

If you love her, which you do, you've got to accept all of her. And train your brain not to obsess over something that will poison the relationship. Good luck!!!!!

[giblesp]

Its normal to feel uncomfortable with your friend around, knowing that they were having casual sex. If you really want her, the accept that you both have pasts and its the past. Right now, its just you and her.

You might have to break off contact with your friend,at least for a while. And if he does treat women disrespectfully, is that the sort of friend you want in your life?

[Space Ritual]

I guess they were just buddies who got drunk a few times and ended up in bed, regardless, it is driving me bonkers.

 

And it will continue to drive you bonkers, young man. As much as us guys hate to admit it, our egos can be way more fragile than a woman's at any given time. So you will continue to have mind movies, etc, feeling like they still have something between them. Even if you deny it consciously, it will find it's way back to your mind....quite a conundrum.

 

So you feel faced with losing a friendship or losing a relationship ultimately if you continue down the path...

 

At the very least you can be thankful your GF informed you about their past together. That being said, relationships take a LOT of work and while everyone has a history I would take it for what it is...unless you suspect they are still carrying on. I don't think that is necessarily the case from your post but you are going to have to make a decision and stick to it. Either chalk it up to a past FWB situation or end the relationship. Because keeping yourself in Limbo about it is not going to do you one once of good.

 

Good Luck.

[AverageCat]

She told you and that speaks a lot.

 

What I don't get is - how did she become friends with this guy if he's a douche and treated her like ****?

 

Anyways for now the best think is to tell your gf that this is bothering you and that the both of you should rather keep your distance from common friend XYZ for a while.

 

Time heals everything. Just let it run its course and for a month or two do not see common friend very much. After a month or two catch up with him and you'll see that things will be different. And that he really is both of you guys' friend.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're having retroactive jealousy. You need to keep her past in the past. I mean, you KNOW there's nothing going on with them. And he even introduced you to her in hopes that you two would hit it off! And look what happened! Therefore, I would speculate that the sex between them didn't move mountains. If it did, why would he give up an awesome piece on the side?

 

And what about her? You even wrote that she is head over heels in love with you! If she wanted your friend, she would be with him. Or, at least, making a play for him to settle down with her. Has that happened? NOPE! Do you know why? NOPE! So, I'll tell you.

 

She traded up in a big way. She is no longer playing games with a boy that treats women as play things and she found herself a MAN that is going to treat her right. She found someone that she LOVES and she RESPECTS. She found someone that she would do anything for just to have 5 more minutes with you. She found someone that she gets sad and depressed when he leaves and she gets butterflies in her stomach when she's about to see you again. She's found a man that will treat her like a woman, a lover, best friend and partner in life. A man she's secretly hoping that will ask her to marry him one day.

 

So, I speculate that if you lined you and your friend up and she was to chose between the two of you, I have no doubt that she would come running into YOUR ARMS! As far as she's concerned, she hit the jackpot.

 

So, instead of imagining them together, why don't you try to say to yourself about your friend, " Okay dude, THIS is how you treat a woman, and look at me now! I got this girl that would do anything for me if I asked because she knows a good thing when she see's it. Maybe you could take a page out of my book."

 

I would strongly recommend that you book a reservation at a quaint little B&B somewhere and surprise her with it. While your away, take her to a nice little Bistro and talk. Keep it calm, tell her your concerns, ask her what makes YOU so special. Don't accuse, just tell her what your problem is and you need help getting through it; getting a handle on it. I think you need a little reassurance. And LISTEN to what she has to say. The biggest reason why relationships fail is because we don't communicate with each other. Try to understand each other. And when the talk is over, let it rest. Think on it later and enjoy the rest of the weekend. Make it special, make it romantic. Something she's always going to remember and appreciate that you did that for her.

 

So, that's my advice.

[Babolat]

I agree with most of the comments here; it's in the past, she is with YOU now because she choses to be; the sex with the OM did not mean anything to her, other than sex.

 

As far as the OM being your friend...well he did introduce you two right? Just sayin'.......seems like a good guy to me.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Babolat

[Madman81]

From any perspective that's at least partly rational, I can't see why you can't continue to be with her, AND continue to be friends with the friend who introduced you. No real reason you can't hang out with both of them, too.

 

Neither of them deceived you. Neither of them betrayed you. Your friend made a point of trying to set the two of you up together, which suggests pretty clearly that he's not still interested in her. And your GF told you about her past after you two had been together for about a month. That's pretty forthcoming of her, especially over something like this, which she would quite understandably be apprehensive in telling you about. And she did it voluntarily, without you finding out another way. That says some positive things about her.

 

I'm not exactly sure why, but this kind of thing has never bothered me on a personal level. When I met my now-ex wife about 20 years ago, I knew (or I learned shortly after we started dating, I can't remember which) that she'd previously slept with a friend of mine. If it ever bothered me, it bothered me for about five minutes, until I realized "hey, who cares? She's with me now. Everybody has a past. If she really wanted to be with him, she'd be with him."

 

Having said all that, I CAN see why it might bug you, because of the whole this-guy-banged-my-girlfriend thing. But that's overall pretty meaningless. As I said, she's with you now.

 

And, if this will help, here's something else to think about. Most of the human body's cells are replaced every few years. So if they slept together five years ago, it's basically as though he slept with somebody else.

 

If need be, see a counselor a few times, to talk about "retroactive jealousy". They can probably give you some strategies for getting beyond this. But it certainly doesn't sound like something worth losing (a) a friend, or (b) a girl you really care about over.

[rexy]

Hey madman81

Thanks a lot for your reply, it was really good to hear.... No, there is absolutely no tension between them and they are purely good friends, you are right about being able to hang out with them both, it's sometimes easier said then done but this friend is truly happy for us and proud of himself for setting us up.

I also liked the factoid about the reproduction of cells, yeah, something that happened a few times 5 years ago should really go under the rule of stature of limitations.

Thanks again man, your post made me feel much better

Peace out my friend

[rexy]

Hey babolat, thanks for your input. You are right, he is a good guy, I guess it's more of an ego thing or maybe it's some other issue of insecurity, in any case this friend is really happy for us so I should lay off the jealousy.

Thanks again

[Clockwork]

I had a situation very similar. First off, you have to remember your girlfriend was young at one time and made stupid choices. This was one of them. However, that stupid choice led the two of you to meet. So you can argue that God/fate was at play here in the first place. Seriously.

 

Secondly, your friend should have told you. The big question to ask is would he ever have told you? She told you, he didn't. Big difference there in my opinion. Would he have gone 50 years, ended up in your wedding party and not had the decency to tell you? You might want to ask him.

 

My story is very nearly the same. I was introduced to my wife from a buddy of mine. I didn't know that they had hooked up before (he was married). My wife told me about 8 months into us dating because she didn't want us to get any more serious until I knew. The bottom line is she told you. She risked the whole relationship just for the sake of being honest. You can dwell on the mistake she made, or you can look at it and realize that there are tons of women and men who don't have enough respect to tell their significant other ALL of their skeletons.

 

As for your buddy. Yeah it will be weird to hang out with him, especially if she is there. I don't want to sound like a downer, but you're going to gradually drift apart from him, as I did. Stuff like that is too weird to be around and you may just have a future wife here vs. a friend who isn't as great of a friend as you thought. No guy wants a guy who tapped his girlfriend hanging around his girlfriend. But eventually, if you stay with her he'll be out of the picture eventually. I'm happily married and to be honest you'll find that now you can trust her even more after that. As for your friend, he didn't sound like much of one to begin with.

[CarrieT]

If you want to talk, send me a PM.

You haven't been here long enough to be able to PM....

[rexy]

Hey Clockwork

 

You have really helped put things in to perspective for me, you are right, she was young (20-21) and I'm sure that wasn't the only stupid thing she did but it did help fate bring us together, I try to remind myself that all the time.

I am not sure why my friend didn't tell me at first (although maybe its a good thing because I probably wouldn't have been with this girl otherwise), when my GF asked him that he said that it happened so long ago and was so insignificant that he didn't really feel like it mattered, he also didn't tell his own GF who is friends with me and my GF too....maybe he's just being a bit of a pussy but anyway, I can't really be angry at him because he really had his heart in the right place when introducing us.

Its always good to hear cases that are very similar to mine (like yours for example) and its even better to hear about it working out and being able to overcome this sort of jealousy. Your wife sounds like a great gal and your case also helps me realize that I should really respect my GF for voluntarily letting me know and by doing so risking the relationship by a bit.

 

I thank you very much for you reply and advice, it has been really helpful and supportive.

[bubbaganoosh]

She was honest and up front with you. That tell me that she really cares and doesn't want to hold back any secrets.

 

After reading so many threads on this site that talk about lying, cheating and deceit, it's nice to here that someone will be that honest with you. My advice? Keep her. She sounds like a quality woman that could make you very happy. Can't ask for more than that.

[Clockwork]

Hey Clockwork

 

You have really helped put things in to perspective for me, you are right, she was young (20-21) and I'm sure that wasn't the only stupid thing she did but it did help fate bring us together, I try to remind myself that all the time.

I am not sure why my friend didn't tell me at first (although maybe its a good thing because I probably wouldn't have been with this girl otherwise), when my GF asked him that he said that it happened so long ago and was so insignificant that he didn't really feel like it mattered, he also didn't tell his own GF who is friends with me and my GF too....maybe he's just being a bit of a pussy but anyway, I can't really be angry at him because he really had his heart in the right place when introducing us.

Its always good to hear cases that are very similar to mine (like yours for example) and its even better to hear about it working out and being able to overcome this sort of jealousy. Your wife sounds like a great gal and your case also helps me realize that I should really respect my GF for voluntarily letting me know and by doing so risking the relationship by a bit.

 

I thank you very much for you reply and advice, it has been really helpful and supportive.

 

No problem. Yeah your buddy sounds more dishonest by the minute. His GF doesn't even know, that's crazy. I would never hang around a girl that I slept with previously and never tell the person I am with. You know, to them maybe it is insignificant but to other people it isn't necessarily and it is an obligation to tell a friend this kind of thing so they have all the information and can make their own choice.

 

My wife is expecting our second child. We've been married 7 years. No doubt about it I made the best decision of my life. My former friend isn't in the picture anymore because simply put if you want to come together you can't have negative distractions around like that or you'll never move on. Good luck.

[jonward]

If your partner has had sex too many times for your comfort, read this guide

 

http://www.pdf-archive.com/2013/10/05/slaying-the-dragon-partner-s-past/slaying-the-dragon-partner-s-past.pdf

 

Feel free to pass it on. I found it to be extremely helpful.