How long to wait?

[serenity]

I got a question for all... How long to wait for him to pop the question? I've been with him for 3 years and we have a 1yr daughter together. We've lived together for 2 1/2 yrs. I already feel married. But he's been married before. After 3 years, he divorced. I feel he should know by now if he wants to marry me or not. We've never talked about marriage. And I have a feeling that he doesn't want to get married again cause of his 1st experience. I've been thinking about giving him 2 more years before I tell him I'd like to be married with someone who wants to marry me. Am I being too selfish? And don't even say for me to ask him. I deeply believe this is something a man should do if he truely loves his woman and wants the future to be theirs together. Any ideas or comments would help. Thanks!

[camille]

First of all, you say he's divorced. How long has he been divorced for?

 

Was he divorced when you began dating each other?

 

You say you've never discussed with him, the idea of you to getting married one day....yet you're wondering if you should give him *2 years* to ask you.

 

If you've never brought up/or discussed the topic of you two getting married one day, I think it's time you do. Maybe he believes you're content the way things are now? Maybe he has no idea that marriage is important to you?

 

I'm a little surprised, that you've been together for 3 years, have lived together for 2.5 of them, and have a 1 yr old child...but the topic of marriage has never come up. Why do you think that is??

 

No sense giving him some 'unwritten ultimatum' (eg...you'll give him two more years and if he hasn't asked you by then, you'll end things)......You need to find out NOW how he feels about marrying again........because if he's dead set against marrying again, why would you even want to wait two more years?? Don't you think that would be a waste of time?

 

Sometimes one of the downsides of living with someone, is they become content with the relationship as it is.......afterall, living together, for most intents and purposes, is pretty much the same as marriage (except there isn't the same degree of commitment as when married). If you give someone all the perks of marriage, WITHOUT the marriage, why would they necessarily want marriage? Sorta like, "why buy the cow if the milk is free?"

 

You two really have to sit down and talk. Talking about it with him isn't like you proposing to him! But you need to know where he's at in terms of marriage, and any future you 'll have together.

 

camille

[Tony T]

The fact that you are unable to discuss such an important matter and such a serious desire of yours after living together nearly three years and having a daughter tells me you have really raunchy communication and a lot of problems to overcome.

 

You do not have a relationship at this point. You better start making one. Two people living together, eating together, watching TV together and having sex with each other does NOT make a relationship. The ability to communicate feelings and desires at a deep level is what truly differentiates a relationship from a roommate/friendship with benefits arrangement.

 

You better put this situation back on track fast...if it ever was on track. Did you even read what you wrote??? Wait another TWO YEARS of your precious life before talking to him about marriage???

 

So, yeah, he may have some problems because of his previous relationship but that certainly hasn't stopped him from living with you and getting you pregnant. What else could he want?

 

You need to look out for yourself and your future and that of your daughter as well. If you have a lot to offer him and vice versa, he should have no problem with tying the knot. But, right now, that's not even the issue. The issue is there is no communication between the two of you. Until you start acting like two lovers who are IN LOVE with each other and talk about your deepest desires and feelings, you have no base on which to form a marriage.

 

You've got a lot of work to do. And, HELL NO, don't wait two years to get this matter cleared up.

[Deejette]

As camille says, he already has a great situation without the marriage contract, so why should he change anything? And I agree with you, it should be he who pops the question and it should not come from you.

 

But you do need to let him know that marriage is important to you. You can tell him this without putting him under pressure or giving him an ultimatum. He should be able to pick up on the fact that you want to give his name to your daughter and you want that sign of commitment from him.

 

If he does not propose to you, then you should seriously consider moving out, if marriage is really, really important to you.

First of all, you say he's divorced. How long has he been divorced for? Was he divorced when you began dating each other? You say you've never discussed with him, the idea of you to getting married one day....yet you're wondering if you should give him *2 years* to ask you. If you've never brought up/or discussed the topic of you two getting married one day, I think it's time you do. Maybe he believes you're content the way things are now? Maybe he has no idea that marriage is important to you? I'm a little surprised, that you've been together for 3 years, have lived together for 2.5 of them, and have a 1 yr old child...but the topic of marriage has never come up. Why do you think that is?? No sense giving him some 'unwritten ultimatum' (eg...you'll give him two more years and if he hasn't asked you by then, you'll end things)......You need to find out NOW how he feels about marrying again........because if he's dead set against marrying again, why would you even want to wait two more years?? Don't you think that would be a waste of time? Sometimes one of the downsides of living with someone, is they become content with the relationship as it is.......afterall, living together, for most intents and purposes, is pretty much the same as marriage (except there isn't the same degree of commitment as when married). If you give someone all the perks of marriage, WITHOUT the marriage, why would they necessarily want marriage? Sorta like, "why buy the cow if the milk is free?" You two really have to sit down and talk. Talking about it with him isn't like you proposing to him! But you need to know where he's at in terms of marriage, and any future you 'll have together. camille