i'm pursuing a 19 year old girl who's "unofficially" engaged to a 29 yr old guy

[FsuBA34]

About three weeks ago, I met a girl named Laura at a place where we both used to work. We started working together, flirting a lot, going to lunches together which naturally got the office people talking. Come to find out, she has a boyfriend of like 9-10 months, who's 29 (she's 19, i'm 22). So normally I would've stopped here, but for some reason, i felt compelled to continue pursueing her. I found out her boyfriend's big time into drugs and such, and really isn't a great relationship for her (i've heard stories of her on multiple occasions being in the bathroom for long periods of time just crying because of her boyfriend). We also worked with Laura's dad who apparently hates her current boyfriend, and liked me. They all nudged her to drop her current boyfriend, presumably for me, which was cool and all.

 

One day last week, she came up to me in the back where i was and handed me a note, saying her and this other girl i work with were offering me money to take a third girl we work with out on a date. Naturally I wouldn't do that to someone, but i used it to my advantage, getting Laura's phone number out of it. That night she started text messaging me about the date, and then all of a sudden the conversation switched. She asked me if I liked her or if the lunches were just lunches nothing more. I used the question naturally to get another lunch the next day, where I planned on telling her. Later that night she text msg-ed me saying something about being pissed off at her dad and boyfriend and wanting to get the hell away from there and asked me if i was coming. I said where? Then she said anywhere but here, said something about lunch the next day, so i let her go.

 

We had our third lunch together the next day, which was fun and all (she paid after i paid for the first two, i thought that was great, definitely wasn't used to it), but the whole "do you like me" thing never came up. I text msg-ed her asking about it afterwards and she said "don't worry about it, i just had fun. my boyfriend was a little pissed but he got over it." So i decided to tell her that i did like her, which got her curious and asking more questions. So i pressed her about it and she admitted to "liking" or having interest in me as well. The whole text messaging thing went insane after that, we talked a lot through that.

 

Last friday was both of our last days. The whole group got this idea to go out together saturday night and she was bugging me, itching for me to go. I finally caved and agreed to go. That same day she messaged me at work saying "I'm bored wanna make out? haha". Which i didn't think was serious so i said "hell yeah come back here no one's back here" even though someone was. So, sure enough, she apparently came back there and saw i had someone working with me so she messaged me back saying "you both look hard at work". Thought all of it was interesting.

 

Saturday she messaged me saying she might not be able to go, she had "other stuff" to do. I got back to her saying "what could possibly be more important than hanging out with me?" knowing that it was her boyfriend. Her boyfriend heard about the whole planned night and apparently heard her on the phone with one of the other girls that was going and kept ripping the phone out of her hands telling the other girl stuff (or so i was told). She ended up backing out and not going, so i thought this was the end of it. I tried Sunday to get her to do something, but she again couldn't, so she suggested I come meet her and her friend for lunch monday.

 

So monday rolls around and her friend couldn't go, so she had to back out, again, but suggested Tuesday. I was ready to give up at this point when she then messaged me monday afternoon with that same bored message "I'm bored watching a movie. Wanna make out? haha". And i'm thinking damn, that's twice in four days she's said that she must not be that serious about her boyfriend. She starts telling me about how she was watching some movie that had a naked girl in it or something and i messeged her "damn a hot girl watching another naked girl? i am so there!". She was all flattered that i called her hot (i hadn't really gone for the compliments when i was flirting with her).

 

After some more innuedo laced flirting, she ends up asking me about why i like her again. It confused me. She said she was curious, and then she ends up asking me "If i were single, would you want to go out with me?". I turned it around on her saying "if i asked you out, what would you say?". This is when it gets good. She responds "honestly if I were single, I'd say yes. The only part is i'm unofficially engaged as of saturday pm. I'm just confused. this sucks!" So yeah, while she was backing out saturday she was busy getting "unofficially" engaged (apparently he asked without a ring, and is going to get a ring and ask again, which i found to be unusual). So i offered to talk to her about it, as a friend, because i didn't want her to get stuck in a bad situation. At that point her boyfriend came home, so we had to stop.

 

Yesterday we went to lunch, her, her friend and I. She paid for me (again). I went to her house, found out she lives with her boyfriend and two other guys. Heard her on the phone with her boyfriend saying she was going out to lunch with her friend, but no mention of me, which i thought was interesting, her making it obvious she was hiding me from him. Her friend had to leave early so Laura suggested we go play pool together. It was fun we hung out, talked, flirted, did our usual thing and then i dropped her off. Left her a message on the phone afterwards about talking later, which never came. She messaged me asking for Crystal's phone number (the other girl that was in on the paid date offer, the one that was on the phone when laura's boyfriend ripped the phone from her) so i gave her a hard time, accusing her of only talking to me because she needed something and she was like "that's not how it is. call me tommorrow".

 

12:45 or so rolled around today and she left me a message saying "I'm at work with Richard (her boyfriend) call me tommorrow." So what the hell do I do now? Is it wrong of me to continue pursuing this? For some reason I'm just drawn to her. When this first started i thought "her relationship must not be that serious" and now she's engaged? If you've made it through this, what do you think? Thanks for being patient reading all this hahah.

[bluechocolate]

So what the hell do I do now?

 

Forget about her - she has a boyfriend.

 

Is it wrong of me to continue pursuing this?

 

In my opinion - yes.

[Artifact]

Yes, stop pursuing her.

 

She has a boyfriend (whether she is serious about him or not) and appears to be playing you. She is almost engaged, although arguably she's not old enough or responsible enough to be making "unofficial" engagement plans either.

 

Do yourself a favor and let go now. Who cares if she's hot?

[zara]

DO NOT get involved with hthis girl! She's playing you and her current man and if her man finds out he's not going to be happy. And if he's the type who's into drugs etc, then that unhappiness ain't gonna be pleasant.

[EC]

I think she's immature and has growing up to do.

 

I think she has a bf and is scared of how things are moving and thats why she has you on the side.

 

I think you need to stop being jerked around and let her go. She's already confused and your confusing her more and if you want something serious your not going to find it with her.

 

Even if she does leave her bf i dont think she will be ready to settle with you so quickly ater getting out of an unofficial engagement.

[SoleMate]

Hmmmm...I disagree. I think she is genuinely interested in you, not just playing you. And I think you've been handling it quite well, keeping things moving along at the right pace and with the right tone. Not pushy, but not hanging back and being shy. The reason why she hasn't thrown over the bf yet may be that she, like a lot of other girls, is scared by and unfamiliar with the idea of not having a bf. So she's lining you up to be ready to dump him. That may not be pretty, but it happens a lot. I agree that she is immature, but then, she's only 19. Immaturity comes with the territory at that age.

 

I really disagree that there is some ethical reason for you to respect the bf/gf relationship. That kind of respect should apply to marriage, but not to some halfbaked bf/gf hookup. The "unofficial engagement" sounds pretty feeble to me. Either you're engaged - with a ring, date and parental consent or the decision to proceed without it - or you're not.

 

It would be different if she ASKED you to back away - then you should respect it - but such a thing is clearly a LONG way from her mind. At some point, if you two ever start getting more serious - like a kiss - then I would expect you to say, "This can't go on as long as you are still with Bruno" (or whatever his name is).

 

The only caveat is that should you be successful in enrolling her as your gf, be aware that this is the way YOUR relationship may end.

[Cecelius]

Not to be crude here, but more of her attention to you is based on getting you to feed her ego: telling her how much you like her, how much you want to be with her.

 

Whether she's a cheater or not (I think its only a matter of time), she's an attention seeker. She has a bad boy who provides all the drama she wants a good friend to keep her secure in the knowledge that someone else likes her.

 

Next time your out with her, kiss her. If she pulls back, you have your answer.

 

If she kisses you back, she's a cheater. And do you want to be involved with a cheater?

 

Also, I think you need to stop using language that suggests that some other force is making you do these things, as if there is some magical legitimacy for what's going on. You are not "for some reason drawn to her" -- of you want her, fine, do something about it. But you'll never get there playing her games.

[Fritz]

I really disagree that there is some ethical reason for you to respect the bf/gf relationship. That kind of respect should apply to marriage, but not to some halfbaked bf/gf hookup.

 

Alls fair in love & war right? To me its always been a part of the unwritten rule, "You don't mess with a relationship" and definately not a marriage. Nevermind that these kinds of "hookups/friendships" are usually not worth the trouble they cause. Now granted, this gal's "engagement" doesnt sound too serious but they are living together, etc. etc.. How could he ever trust her anyway? She's engaged and living with a guy why openly flirting with him behind the bf's back. My advice is to run now before you get in too deep or develop serious feelings for this girl because she's acting like a little girl at this point and has some growing up to do.

[FsuBA34]

The funniest part of all of this to me is that she's really done most of the pursuing towards me (i only asked her out to those first two lunches because i owed her money, yes i was interested, but i was prepared to stop at that point), she's the one that asked me if i was interested in her or whatever, she's the one that wanted to know why when i said i was, she's the one that told me she was into me, etc. etc. From what I've been told (and said on here) her current relationship isn't all that good of a one.

 

Today i did some inquiring of sorts, after she started getting curious on me again. Keep in mind this is all text messaging (i mix it up between calling and texting just to keep her on her toes, because she had said yesterday to "call" her today). She started saying something about me reminding her of an ex or something, so, joking around i said i was the ghost of her ex saying "you made a big mistake...you've got an opportunity...make things right again". This lead to a lot of things being talked about. She asked me why i didn't have a girlfriend, I said "I'm picky i guess, I only date girls that I think have long term potential" she clarified, asking "do you think I have long term potential?" and then asked me why I hadn't tried to kiss her yet. I said "yes, and it didn't seem like the right time yet" she said what about the fact that I'm "engaged" (she used quotes when she actually said it)? I said "odd how that comes out after you ask me that question". She said "it's a factor you have to consider" and said "trust me, if I were single, I would've already made a move on you by now". I said i was considering it and my phone died so it ended there.

 

To those of you who think she's playing me, I personally don't think she's playing me. of the stuff we've done she's actually spent more money (we've been to four lunches and pool, i paid for two of the lunches and all she ordered was a salad) on me than I have on her (how often does that happen?). I'm trying to respect her relationship but get to know her at the same time, should I say something about that? Until I actually make a move on her, i don't think i'm doing anything wrong.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

A quick question for you. Why would you wish to pursue a girl who openly flirts with and encourages you to pursue her when she is engaged to another guy?

Open your eyes. If she does this to this guy she is engaged to be married with, don't you think she would be doing it to you also? It sounds to me she is a very untrustworthy person. It sounds to me that you could do a lot better that wasting your time and energy on a girl who is engaged to someone else and does not act like she is engaged. How could you trust or respect a person like this?

[Amethyst]

Originally posted by Bryanp

Why would you wish to pursue a girl who openly flirts with and encourages you to pursue her when she is engaged to another guy?

Open your eyes. If she does this to this guy she is engaged to be married with, don't you think she would be doing it to you also?

 

My thoughts EXACTLY!

 

FsuBA, you're so intent on figuring out whether she's really interested in you or not that you're missing the big picture. It really doesn't matter if she's interested in you, because she's DATING (and practically ENGAGED to) someone else! (Even if it's a truly unhealthy relationship, that isn't for you to decide. She's the one dating him, and it's their mistake to make.)

 

The fact that she will pursue another guy while in that situation tells me this girl is nothing but "trouble" with a capital "T"! Don't kid yourself and think she'd be faithful to you just because it would be "different". The truth is, if she's done it once, she'll do it again.

 

So, she's the one doing the pursuing -- big deal! A simple, "I don't date girls who have boyfriends" should put her in her place. Even if it didn't, you could certainly get the point across if you wanted to. Chasing you while she's "unofficially engaged" speaks volumes about HER true character; but, the fact that you would be so willing to enable her cheating by responding to her speaks volumes about YOURS.

[FsuBA34]

I have no intention whatsoever to actually have her CHEAT on him, that's my whole point. If it's going to actually progress into anything, she's going to pull herself out of that first. I'm just trying to gauge whether that's possible, maybe a simple "nothing more will happen here unless you are actually single" would work. Nothing i'm doing here is wrong, i haven't kissed or romantically touched her or anything. We've never even hugged! I'm just getting to know somebody, who happens to have a boyfriend.

 

There's solid signs of physical/verbal abuse in the relationship she's in, which is one of the reasons i'm hanging around, simply because i'd like to pull her out of that if that's the case. I know it shouldn't be my decision, which is why i haven't made a move on her. I feel like i've done nothing morally wrong to this point, if I have someone point it out. Obviously she's interested in me, and yeah the timing of everything is screwing it up...maybe i should say "can't we be just friends for now?" what do you people think.

[Naive]

All I can see is that this will cause PROBLEMS in your life. Do you really need that?

[bluechocolate]

I think it sounds like more trouble than it could ever possibly be worth.

[Amethyst]

Originally posted by FsuBA34

I have no intention whatsoever to actually have her CHEAT on him

 

One does not have to have sex for it to be "cheating". You can also cheat emotionally. I would call all of the flirtation, lunch dates, etc. cheating, as would many others. Think about it: What do you think would've happened if you *had* been alone when she came back to the room after the invitation to 'make out'? Yes, it seems to me the line of cheating was crossed long ago.

 

Edit: BTW: The fact that she is "hiding" you from her boyfriend should tell you that this relationship is not as pure as you'd like to portray it. One does not need to "hide" FRIENDS from significant others.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by FsuBA34

 

There's solid signs of physical/verbal abuse in the relationship she's in, which is one of the reasons i'm hanging around, simply because i'd like to pull her out of that if that's the case. I know it shouldn't be my decision, which is why i haven't made a move on her. I feel like i've done nothing morally wrong to this point, if I have someone point it out. Obviously she's interested in me, and yeah the timing of everything is screwing it up...maybe i should say "can't we be just friends for now?" what do you people think.

 

Oh boy.. so are you the chivalrous friend or the chivalrous next guy in line (or Captain save a ho)? This gal is trouble man, walk away now.

[opaleye]

Yup. Don't do this to yourself. Has she asked you for help out of her possibly abusive relationship? She has a father who cares about her enough to care who she's going out with so it's not as if she's alone. I think you are turning her into your own little damsel in distress to rescue then whisk away when the time comes. You don't need that in your life- she doesn't sound like she has much respect for her boyfriend or herself for that matter. She's stringing you along and you seem to be enjoying it. Stop it now. It's too much drama. This is not the way to start a new relationship either. Oh and just because she pays for stuff doesn't mean that she isn't playing games. She really seems like she's using you. Do yourself a favour and let this one go.

[Amethyst]

FsuBa34,

 

I, for one, hope you'll update us on the situation. I would love to know if you took our advice or not...

 

(It's always nice to know how a situation ends. So many times, people post for advice and then never let us know how things progress.)

[MelWell]

I was in a similar situation. Was unhappily "engaged" while another guy @ work flirted with me - and i admit liked it. We never talked about "making out" or anything, but we did have lunches and I soon realized, shoot this can turn into "emotional infidelity" when i found myself wanting to be with him more than my fiance. I would never cheat, i think its the worse pain anyone can cause.. So I broke it off right away.... But she does seem like it's going to be a matter of time before she breaks up with him. Don't let her cheat, make her work for it. If she really wants you and doesn't love her BF, let her break up with her man. She will anyways if she isn't happy.

 

I wouldn't let the flirting get too out of control. The guy did this to me, my coworker started flirting innocently. Before long I broke up with my BF, and the coworker waited 5-6 months before asking me out "officially" it was the most heart-thumbing exciting time... no one cheated, he made me realize how unhappy i was, and i am now happily with him for 2 years!!

 

Adding to that, and reading what you've said - it seems like emotional infidelity if there's so much going on... I don't think flirting is a big deal, but if you see she's wanting to keep you a secret and maybe even as a guy on the side - then GET OUT! Its not worth it.

 

But thinking from her side, as i was in a similar situation except it wasn't abusive i just "fell out of love." I needed to open my eyes to see how much happier i'd be if i broke off my engagement. And honestly, i really am. But don't let her think it's okay for her to flirt on the side, cuz then she might do it to you too if you get together... am i making sense?

[Thy Love Poetry]

i think you should totally forget about her. she could be trouble for you. you said her b/f is into drugs. doesnt that creep you out.

[crazy_grl]

Well, it's been 8 months since this post. I imagine this guy's situation is over, and she's either out of his life or currently making it miserable.