Long Dist. Relationship+Doubts+Bad Attitudes+Bad Sex+Fear+The Unknown=A Quandry

[BMWfan44]

Foremost let me start off by saying these forums have been very helpful. I have been reading them for the past few days and found many situations similar to mine. I feel this is one of the only places I can be honest, and not judged. So here goes my situation.

 

In a nutshell, I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 years. Met her when I was 20, when I joined a fraternity (she was in a sorority). The rest of my college career we were together. The first 2 years were excellent....lots of fun.

 

But my last year I started to morph as a person...transitioning from a college student to a responsible professional adult. She was 1 1/2 yrs behind me in school. So when I was working full time, she was still in school and our schedules were not in sync.

 

In about year 3 she started to gain a lot of weight. She was always a big girl, but she just gained so much weight that it ended up having a subconcious effect on me (so I think). I tried hard to see past it, but as a friend told me "your penis is talking to you..." I didn't want to have sex with her, and if we did the sex was not very exciting. It was so dull that I would either not finish, or would rather take care of it myself. Also, she was never very sexual of a person, so variety never existed...And I truely think that the weight had an indirect effect on our relationship. As she gained weight she became very bitchy with me, self-concious of herself, critical of others...

 

Anyways, I had an excellent opportunity to move to Las Vegas and buy a big house for cheap and get an excellent job. I moved with her support and the idea she would move out with me. I included her every step along the way, including picking out the upgrades inside the house.

 

I moved October 2003. The plan was for her to move out as soon as she finished school, (after her bachelors she enrolled in the teaching credential program - basically grad school). But it wasn't until after I moved that she dropped the bombshell on me that she wants to stay home an extra 6 months after graudation to teach in her home town. That will put her moving out in June 2005, over 18 months of a LDR.

 

Well, it has been tough for me. And this summer I was torn with dropping the relationship and going solo. I met a another woman who blew me away, but I didn't pursue anything...I wasn't sure if it was the fact that our relationship had been sour for so long, or I wanted someone different.

 

August she decided to have gastric bypass surgery. She has lost close to 50 pounds and feels great about herself since then. In September I broke it off as I convinced myself that it wasn't going to work. Note that it wouldn't be fair for me to propose having these doubts, and on the other hand not fair for her to move her entire life to Vegas without a committment from me...

 

I broke it off in person, labor day weekend (that friday). Saturday she called and wanted to talk. I knew that the breakup was too quick and clean, as I got a little choked up and didn't say the elaborate speech I had prepared....I just had a lump in my throat. So Sunday we met for coffee before my flight took off and it was very emotional. She thought I gave up on the relationship and was completey crushed. I got on that plane and I started listening to music and I couldn't help myself balling...thank god the plane was almost empty!

 

So that night I told my parents, in an unstable mental state, that I think I messed up and I don't know where I was going to go from there. I talked to my girlfriend that night and told her how I felt, she felt the same way. And weeks went by with uncertainty, talking now and then. The whole time I am thinking about points she brought up - for example, she is feeling better about herself, and she was open to criticism of her and noticed the negative points I had about her negative attitude...before the breakup she would never agree with me or look at herself objectively. Also, she had a point that her moving out to Vegas would be the first time we could concentrate on each other and our relationship...and our relationship will get back in sync, much like it was when we first started going out, as we will both be working regular business hours and living together...

 

So there it is...we got back together. She is still in CA, I am in Vegas. Plan is she will move out here summer 2005. But that includes 6 months of working AFTER graduation.....she insists on staying there for that time. Meanwhile, I am out trying to expand my social circle and trying to find friends...and I can't help but look at almost every woman that walks by...

 

I so much want to get out there and date...I have the means now more than I ever did. I have a nice house, nice car, stable finances, great personality...someone said I have the complete package. But on the other hand I am so NOSTALGIC and SENTIMENTAL (very very much so) that I can't stand the fact that I won't be able to look in her blue eyes again, or know how she is doing, as she has been a part of my daily life for 6 yrs. But part of me won't miss the fact that the sex is terrible....

 

Part of me wants to move on with life, get married, go to home depot on weekends, have kids, etc etc....but then part of me wants a wife I am 110% into when I come home....just ABSOLUTELY beautiful. Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend has a beautiful face, but her body won't ever be what I think I want it to be....and I know that is completely selfish and shallow of me, but I cannot deny how I feel....there is just something about being with a small girl. I myself am a bigger guy and have always "shot low" and dated big girls....but being with a small girl just makes me feel so ALIVE I can't explain it.

 

Part of me feels like I would be settling, and the other part doesn't feel that way...I definitely don't want to settle. I feel like I want to eat my cake and keep it too...ack!

 

So just to update you, the current plan is for her to move out here next summer and work on things. That means without a ring. That is a total 180 from her previous standpoint because she said she wants a committment for her to move her life. But I feel that I should know if I will marry her by the time she moves out here....ack!

 

There are so many similarities, yet so many differences, and I naturally highlight the differences as not being able to be myself...I just don't know.

 

Its the timeless question - is the grass greener on the other side? I guess thats why I am in Vegas, and either way I have to roll the dice...

 

HELP!

[NatoPMT]

Hi BMWfan44

 

but being with a small girl just makes me feel so ALIVE I can't explain it.

 

How do you know you feel alive with a small girl? When was the last time you were with a small girl? I assume its been at least 6 years….?

 

You felt alive with your gf when you were first together? Those first two years were great? I think you are selling yourself short in implying your level of attraction is based primarily on her body size/shape. If your gf was 100% with you, wasn’t being ‘bitchy’ and holding off on being with you, if effectively you were right for each other then maybe you’d love her and not be thinking of other girls this way?

 

My suggestion is to face the fact you arent getting what you want from your gf, if it is just an attraction thing, its just as important as any other area of compatibility. If that is the case, you may get married to a small girl, who 5 years down the line puts weight on. Concentrate your efforts in discovering what will make you happy, what sort of personality would suit you, what support you want, what you’d like to do together in your spare time, how youd like to communicate etc etc then talk to your gf about what you want in your life. If you then still feel you have ‘shot low’ its time to change your status and let the poor lass go. Then work on changing your attitude about what constitutes a good relationship before you get in the same situation again.

 

BB

[moimeme]

Imagine never seeing her again. How does that make you feel? If it doesn't cast a shadow on your future, I suspect you don't love her any more. Love can be rekindled but you have to work at it.

 

It is my belief that you have to marry someone whose company you enjoy more than that of anybody else. You don't run into people like that very often. So if she is that person, you will regret it someday if you let her go.

If you think she might be that person but aren't so sure, let her know you're having doubts and suggest she move to Vegas but live on her own and only if she'd like to live there longterm. That way, if you two don't work out, she won't resent you 'making' her move there. Don't have her move in with you until you're sure you want to be together.

 

I don't think your attraction issue has to do with her size; I suspect it may be a symptom of waning affection.

[SoleMate]

You have been very fair to her and yourself throughout this period. You said, "...part of me wants a wife I am 110% into when I come home...", and that is a very important statement. Marriage, kids, life stresses, etc can really put some pressure on a relationship. There has to be a strong bedrock of mutual attraction, respect, trust and caring to get you through those times. A satisfying physical relationship is a very important way of building and strengthening your bonds. You don't have that. Don't marry anyone when you have such powerful doubts. These aren't just nagging thoughts that come and go...it's something you've thought about a lot.

 

It may be "shallow" to want your mate to be attractive to you physically...but if so, then count me and a lot of the world population in that "shallow" category.

 

That said, you also need to be realistic. If you are sure you can attract a shapely girl, given that your yourself are overweight, then go for it. I understand the part about "aiming low". It's safer. These things are PERSONAL decisions.

[kisslaboca]

Hey BMWfan44,

What a story! I also think you are being very considerate of her and your relationship considering all the doubts you are having. Im saying this cause my ex had similar doubts and just dumped me, cold turkey, dryly, frankly, coldly, when I was least expecting it. He came home for the weekend. Had his luggage and all, he had driven 3 hours to see me, didn't feel the attraction and just dumped me. I was really stressed and had gained a few pounds my self more 12 pounds. We met around month and a half later, I had lost the weight, and was looking good, we spoke more calmly about the breakup that even though was really sudden he felt good about it. But now, with the weight off, he was very, very turned on. In any case, I won't go on with my story, cause it is kinda complicated, and there are many factors there other than the slight weight gain, but I can see where you are coming from and don't think you should feel guilty about wanting a in shape partner. It is just a matter of taste. In fact many people here talk about a website called marriage builders.com which has a section about how attractiveness of their partner is a basic necessity to some people, male and female. I think it would help you out lots if you read that. At least it will show you that what you are experience is very common.

 

As far as your situation, is a hard shot. On the one side, there are those nagging doubts. Plus you are lonely and have something like 18 months of LDR down the line. Honestly, and not to rain on your parade or something, I don't know how long you would be able to stand temptation being that you are in Vegas, don't feel so attracted to your girl right now, live far away from her, and don't think you have a satisfying sexual relationship with her. I wouldn't like to leave my boy down in Vegas alone for too long, it seems there are very hot women there, and specially not with a relationship on the rocks. Well, going back to the doubts, many people would tell you that they will not go away, or that if you have them it means maybe you are not ready to settle down or that it means that you should not be with this person. But on a more positive note, I have read in books such as Mars Venus on a date that the doubting period is a normal and inevitable part of relationships. You should take a look at it and see if it sheds some light.

 

On the other hand, I really do feel that you still love your girlfriend. Had you not loved her, under your circumstances and with such strong doubts you would have dumped her for real. Not tried to work things out as you have been doing. And this is not because you did the breaking up very quickly, I think you are still hanging in there cause you still have strong feelings for her. If you wouldn't have you would have felt guilty about the abrupt way you broke up, but would have continued strong in your breakup decision regarless of strong flush of emotions that breaking up brings forth. Believe me. Im sure about this. So, I think you are still hanging in there for a reason. And for all intends and purposes, no matter how strong your doubts, your feelings for her are still stronger. Even if your relationship is hanging by a thread, its still hanging in there.

 

Im no expert on this, nor have I have ever been through a situation such as the one you are personally experiencing, however, Ive been more on the side of your girlfriend, with a partner whos doubts were stronger than his love for me, and who went about things in a more selfish and inmature way. But the way I see it from what you've written, the only proper thing or solution that I see here is that whatever you do, you must be totally invested. Let me explain, you either go single, and embrace those doubts and desires and sleep around and date and find a small girl so you explore this to see if it truly satisfies you and if it is true happiness for you, and just being on your own and all that being single means to you. In other words embrace those doubts of yours 100% and let your girlfriend go and take the risk that this implies.

 

Or the other option the one that I see you have your foot more in- invest yourself 100% in salvaging your relationship. I think for this you need BOTH of you. Honestly if I had this situation with my boyfriend, if the relationship meant a lot to me I would go to Vegas ASAP. (This is not to say that it doens't mean a lot to her). If I could postpone that teaching at home bit I would. I would not give up my carreer but I would start looking for the same sort of opportunity in Vegas. I think that your relationship is going through a crisis and what you did was like a big call for help for her to get important needs of yours met. I think it is so honorable of you not just to go out there and cheat on her, many a man would on your same circumstances. But I think in order to really give your relationshi a shot 100% you need to be 100% HONEST with her. Maybe it is a bit extreme but you can show her part of your original post. There is no easy way to tell a girl that you will feel more attracted to her if she was smaller, I know she lost 50 pounds and all, but maybe you need to be totally honest. Be realistic about how skinny she can go, her normal weight. Was she small when you met her and then balloned? I assume you were very attracted to her then, you were happy for 2 years, if she was to be that weight again, would you feel attracted? Maybe you could tell her that. Also, have you ever told her about your sex life? What would you like, what would satisfy you more? Tell her you don't know if you can handle the LDR for 18 months, if she could come earlier. I don't know, be totally, totally honest and tell her this are your needs. I know its harsh, but if you don't tell her, or sugar coat things you will always keep things in the back of your mind and that small girl that passes next that can work in your office or be at the gym, or whatever, will always be more luring to you than the woman you have at home. Read marriage builders, also another good website soulmateoracle.com that is of 2 marriage counselors. Maybe your relationship can come out stregnthed after this experience. But I think it has to be the first priority for you both right now. To learn from this, to strengthen your relationship as a result of it.

 

I also think it says a lot for communication between you 2. Have you eve told her you wished for your sex to be more exiting? Did you propose different scenarios, different positions, bought her some naughty lingerine, etc.? Did you ever tell her any of the other stuff you felt. I don't think so, and I think it just sort of built up. Maybe you should also have a new comunication policy where you are both 100% with things. I know they are uncomfortable things to talk about, however those are the things that ultimately become mountains from a pebble and end up wrekking a relationship completely.

 

Oh well, I don't know if this is of any help. I hope you resolve your situation though. If I was her I would be with you this weekend in a sexy little Victoria Secret outfit making love to you like a mad woman! And spoling you and just having a great old time in Vegas! She should wake up and you should open up completely so that she may respond.

[BMWfan44]

I appreciate the reponses.

 

kisslaboca, many of the questions/comments you have mentioned have already been attempted. I have tried for years to "spice it up." Unfortunately she doesn't take too well to it. She has always been very self concious and I think thats what prevents her from making things more lively.

 

Also, I feel she is extremely selfish regarding the move. I am 27 yrs old, and I have an extremely large and very nice house. Infact, many of my superiors at work are wondering how I can afford it - they even joke that I probably sell drugs (which I dont). My point is that I have a very good situation, which most 27 yr olds would be envious of. But she doesn't understand it. She thinks the 18 months apart should be a cake walk. She is living at home and has people she knows around her - whereas I am here with the dog, and people I work with, all of whom I just met 11 months ago. So my support group is only available by phone now.

 

She is very attached to her parents and does not want to move to Vegas. She says she is going to move for me, but I truely think she is going to move out her for a few years and get me to move back. I don't want to move back - there is no way I can give up the situation I have now, as it is a fact I can't get the same situation back in the bay area. But again, she doesn't understand it. I really think she has taken our relationship for granted and how my finances have benefitted her over the years.

 

Furthermore, she wants everything yet is bringing nothing to the table. She wants her name on the house. I said that it isn't fair for me to do that, especially considering it has significantly appreciated. She said she is moving her life out here for me and that should be an equal trade off. But I sincerely think that if we were to get married out here, she would want to move back to CA eventually and make my life miserable until we do. See, she has this preconceived idea of what her life was going to be like...living in the same city she grew up in, teaching in schools she once attended.....but she doesn't realize that there is another half to the relationship - me. I know this is going to sound bad, but I am a successful professional, and will earn a large part of the household income. I can't see how she thinks it is easy to uproot and move, so she can live the life she thought she would, and to be in an area with "trees" (how dumb is that).

 

She is very sensitive and I hate to rock the boat. I am known for having tough skin, and I roll things off my back easily. However, she keeps grudges for a long time. Last thing I want to do is to bring up some touchy subjects and get in a fight and she gets pissy and I can't get her over it....it will lead to someone succumbing, rather than COMPROMISING, which she has a problem with. Furthermore, if I bring it up on the phone, its tough to work it out. But if I bring it up in person, it will spoil the mood for the remainder of the short time we will be seeing each other (i.e. if she comes into town for the weekend)...

 

I really do care for her. And while the "other head" might be telling me to go off and sow my wild oats, my "top head" is telling me that we would make a good team - IF we can work out our issues and work together, not as individuals.

 

But the million dollar question is how do we go about that?

 

She has come a long way in her demands, as she is willing to move out here without a ring. As much as I am in love with the idea of being in love, I want to make sure that I am 110% invested in it - as kisslaboca pointed out earlier. So I am going to give it a year when she moves out here. I expect an ultimatum though from her when she does move out. If that is the case, I don't want to be pushed into marriage because she might leave me - thats going to be the real test.

 

And yes, it is hard living in Vegas. People know my situation and I have been told many times that "I should be happy" and I can do better....but define better? I think that while the grass may be greener on the other side, it might be taller or shorter, there might be a smaller patch of it, etc....basically while things that are wrong in my relationship may be fixed on the other side, fundamental positives of my relationship may be large negatives on the other side...

 

so again, its a roll of the dice.

[kisslaboca]

Hey BMWfan44,

Woh, now Im confused too after reading this, and Im not even in the relationship! lol. I can imagine how you must feel, its a complex situation to say the least. Something that I defenetly know though is that you have been doing A LOT of thinking and reflecting upon this situation. I like that you are being very fair to this woman and to the relationship; you have because you are looking at the whole package. You don't have some blind on your eyes, you know her good points and her virtues. You are also not delisional about the grass being greener. Many people just follow the little heads commands in this case following the fantasy in their head and then ending up feeling empty and like there was not much they were missing. You are certainly doing a very therou analysis, and no mater what you end deciding, I am confident that at the end you will make the best decision and be satisfied with it. I really have to comend you on the way you are carrying this out. Many people, as you have read in this forums are just broken up with, without much warning or consideration. Not to bring it back to my personal experience, but my ex was not planning to break up with me the day he did, he just didn't the attraction and just impulsively did it. He didn't regret it later, so it is ultametly what he wanted, however I really like how you are carrying this out, even if it is killing you, at least you are giving this relationship a real try. I think that your girlfriend, or any girl that you consider to break up with for that matter, is very lucky. It sounds weird, but when one goes through bad experiences you'd be surprised at the things one starts noticing and appreciating.

 

I have been in situations before where I felt like you. Between black and white, between a rock and a hard place. Unable in the sense that you are now to make a decision. Completely, completely torn between two possibilities. In that case, all I can say is that you are not ready to make the decision yet. I think you know that too. The one year thing sounds resonable.

 

From all you said I see one fundamental difference. Character flaws that your gf may have are things that you seem to know and seem to either be willing tolerate. More than sex thing, which could be problem eventually, but not if you can live with it. What I see as a potential deal breaker is that you seem to want different things from life. She wants to live and teach in her small town. You are a driven, sucessful carreer man that seems to be going up and I doesn't see himself in a tree lined small town in a suburb at any time soon or ever. It worries me you say she will try to make your life imposible so that you leave Vegas and move back to where she lives. Also that she doesn't understand or be supportive of what it means for you to live in new place with no support group, no family, it is a big thing cause I know how hard it is to start up in a new place even if your job is great and you are successful, 11 months is still doesn't make a place feel like home. It seems in some way she may mean home to you. I hope you can work these things out.

 

I wish you a lot of mental peace BMWfan44. If it gets too overwhelming just stop thinking about it too much. Let things flow a little and then pick up your thinking. Maybe if you don't preassure your self about it, the right feeling will pop up. If it hasn't yet, it is probably not the right timing. Good luck BMWfan44

[Matilda]

Why not just agree to take a break from each other during the time you will be apart. That way you can explore your feelings about being with other women. I think it should become more clear during that time what you should do,

 

I just don't think it sounds like the 2 of you are at a place where you will be able to make a commitment to each other right now. You seem to have too many issues. I agree with kisslaboca that you both seem to want different things out of life.

[Debster]

It sounds like, to me, that you have grown apart. That doesn't mean that you are a bad person.

It doesn't mean that she is a bad person. It also doesn't mean that it is the end of the world.

Sometimes, it is the best thing.

 

I say, learn from this relationship and next time, listen to your doubts. Learn to trust your gut.

Good luck.