I cheated on my husband

[Kate.23987]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have been together for five. I'm 25 and he is 27 and obviously I love in very, very much. We generally don't argue often and if we do we resolve it very quickly and things return to normal. I became pregnant and we were both so excited. In hindsight it was a bad decision, but we told our families and friends of the news. One night, I woke up with very painful cramps and vomiting and we went to the hospital. It was then that they told us that We had lost the baby.

 

After that, I dont really remember anything, I just felt numb. Ben was so supportive, despite the fact I knew he was devastated. But recently he has been on edge with me all the time, he is constantly angry, and shouting to be left alone. I have tried with him but it is really hard and he keeps pushing me away. Whenever friends or family come over he's back to himself again and as soon as they leave he can't even stand to be around me. He told me when he sees me, he's reminded of what happened and he can't get over it. When he's not angry he barely talks and whenever I try to have sex or even kiss him he says that he is not ready. The miscarriage devastated me and I still think about it all the time but any time I try and get comfort from him or to comfort him he just pushes me away. I don't know what to to, I feel like he blames me and I am all alone. I tried to suggest councelling but he just got into another argument.

 

In desperation, I turned to his best friend, Jason, and asked him to talk to my husband. I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship, I just needed someone who knows us and understands. He was kind of wary about it initially but we met up for coffee. It was so great to talk to someone, it was the first time I smiled in so long. We walked for a while and went back to his place because it started raining very badly. It was so stupid but we ended up drinking a bit (a lot in fact) and I started crying about everything and he hugged me. One thing led to another and we had sex.

 

The next morning Jason woke me up and apologised for everything and we both agreed I should leave. I came home to find my husband passed out on the couch. When he woke up I told him that I stayed out with a friend and crashed at hers.

 

I obviously do not underestimate the consequences of what I did and it was the worst kind of betrayal. It was selfish and stupid and I know there is no excuse. but it was. The first time I felt normal, without thinking about the miscarriage.It will hurt him so bad and I can't believe how stupid I was. I don't think that telling him will make things better. It is already so hard at home but I can't lie about something like this. I love him so much, I cant bear to hurt him. Please can anyone help? I don't know what to do?!

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. Wasn't there anyone else you could have turned to besides another man? Do you have friends or family, his family you could have turned to rather than another man? I'm sorry there is no excuse for what you did to your husband and now he doesn't even have a best friend anymore. I think you need to tell him what you did so he is not walking around looking like a betrayed fool and suffer the consequences. Perhaps after you tell the truth and if he still wants you, the two of you can seek marriage counseling. You should have thought of that before turning to his friend.

[theonlyjuan]

I don't really have any sympathy for you.

[Try]

we met up for coffee. It was so great to talk to someone, it was the first time I smiled in so long. We walked for a while and went back to his place because it started raining very badly. It was so stupid but we ended up drinking a bit (a lot in fact) and I started crying about everything and he hugged me. One thing led to another and we had sex.

First, your husband's so called best friend has had a secret crush on you for a long time. Deep down inside you have always known this, as you have had a secret crush on him to. When you went to him to cry on his shoulders about the problems in your marraige, he saw his opportunity and took advantage of the situtation. He did not have to try too hard as you were a willing participant. His so called best friend is not really his friend, and with what has just happened, the friend now views your husband as a rival. Worse yet, you have given this rival to your husband home court advantage, because he knows about your husband and your husband's weaknesses that you are sharing with him, and can plan accordingly, while your husband does not even know that this other man is a rival or that his marraige is under attack.

 

You must tell your husband today. Every day that you do not tell your husband about what happened, will be viewed by your husband as an additional betrayal. Studies show that the cheated on spouse gets over that sex part far faster than the secrecy and lying associated with the cheating. You allowing your husband to invite your lover into your home as his friend without telling him the truth, will be impossible for him to forgive if you do not tell your husband right now. I cannot guarantee that your husband will forgive you or not, but I can guarantee that the odds of him forgiving you go down the longer the deception continues. This secret will poison your marraige if you do not tell your husband. If you do not tell your husband now, your marraige has little chance at long term happiness. You are still very young and do not have any children (sorry for your loss). If this ends your marraige, so be it, you will find happiness again with someone else. The long term happiness of your and your husband depends on you telling your husband now and your husband getting his false friend out of both of your lives.

 

BTW, you not telling your husband will be viewed by your husband when he finds out, as you wanting to keep your affair partner in your life. Also, the affair does not end until the affair partner is gone from your life.

[Editbee]

If I lost my baby, unless it's my brother I'm speaking to, another man wouldn't even be in my mind. I would seek support from my parents or female friends.

 

Also, drinking would be the last thing on my mind if I were so depressed, much less drinking with a man.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I obviously do not underestimate the consequences of what I did and it was the worst kind of betrayal. It was selfish and stupid and I know there is no excuse. but it was. The first time I felt normal, without thinking about the miscarriage.It will hurt him so bad and I can't believe how stupid I was. I don't think that telling him will make things better. It is already so hard at home but I can't lie about something like this. I love him so much, I cant bear to hurt him. Please can anyone help? I don't know what to do?!

 

Sorry about your miscarriage. I know how painful that is.

 

You will need to tell your husband. Soon. The longer you wait, the more lies and lying occur on your part and on his friends that create more damage. Every time you are all together, or he spends time with the OM your husband will believe you are cheating or colluding.

 

You will have consequence, no doubt. No telling what that is.

 

This will likely also end your husbands friendship with the OM.

 

If you want to stay married you need to be prepared for this conversation and have it soon.

 

You need to not collude with OM - that will be seen as another betrayal.

 

You need to be prepared to tell the details, but you have to say them with no excuses. Even the ones you noted above.

 

You need to be prepared to offer amends. Like transparency, counseling for yourself, marriage counseling. How will you make your marriage a safe place for him?

 

You need to get tested for STDs. I am hoping you used protection.

 

You need to be prepared to handle his anger .... Not tolerated physical anger, but be prepared.

 

Find out why you needed external validation.

 

Good luck

[dichotomy]

I realize you view this as a drunken ONS mistake. However....this is his best friend, and a man who will remain connected to the both of you one way or another for years.

 

From my perspective, as a BH - there would be three disresepcts 1) The actual sexual affair by you 2) My best friend's betrayal 3)If you both hide it and I find out years later that I had been kept in the dark while you two knew - and we all hung out

 

For me - that last part is kind of the hurt again again and again - It piles up. Maybe (just maybe) if it was some random guy you never saw again - but its not. Eventually it will come out....and I would be so angry that we both hung out with him, happy, kind, laughing, helpful - and I did not know. I would view it as a continuous on going hurting me.

 

I am sorry - you need to tell him - and do not at first, telling him you cheated - use any loss (however terrible) from above - to try to justify what you did. You need to stick with "my fault, my accountability, what can I do to fix it"

[Running Man]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have been together for five. I'm 25 and he is 27 and obviously I love in very, very much.

 

You have a messed up way in showing it. If you try to hide this from him then what you said is bu!!$h!t. Both of you knew what you were doing when it lead into sex, alcohol is no excuse and you chose to cheat.

 

The last thing your husband needs is two traitors smiling and lying in front of his face. If your remorseful as you say you are then tell him.

[janedoe67]

I am a FWW, and yes, your husband needs to kn ow the truth. And I would say, keep it simple and focused on YOUR actions and remorse. In other words, "I went to talk to X for support, and I talked very personally, went back to his place, made the bad choice to drink, and I had sex with him. It was wrong and there is no excuse for it. I am so so sorry, and I want to do whatever it takes to prove that to you." Then back it up with transparent action.

 

That said, though there is NO excuse for cheating....anyone who has never had a miscarriage and then a distant marriage as a result cannot fathom how painful and numbing it is to lose a child (because it IS a child) and feel alone in dealing with it. It DOES make sense that you would be vulnerable, which is why you needed to be so so careful about ANY time with someone else of the opposite sex.

 

Unless you are a sociopathic serial killer and haven't told us, it sounds like you went through some terrible grief, allowed yourself to become vulnerable, and made a series of VERY bad choices. This does NOT have to define who you are and always will be.

[smoky eyes]

Have to agree with Try. (Unlike the above poster, I have a lot of sympathy for you, I'm sure you've been on an emotional and hormonal roller-coaster).

 

I do think you should tell your husband, for the reasons Try states above. If it is his best friend, there may be a significant chance that he'll tell him himself at some point, and that would backfire horrendously on you. There is no guarantee it will all be all right if you do tell him, but at least it shows you acting in good faith.

[Sparty97]

Yes...keep lying to him... that will help.

 

Tell him. Let him make the choice whether he wants to stay with you or not.

[Keenly]

I feel like the way you told that story, you almost used your miscarriage and your husbands follow up reaction as an attempt at justifying what you did, or gaining sympathy.

 

 

Its one thing to chest on him with a man he has never met, but you just destroyed two of the most important relationships in his life. And for what? A little bit of attention ?

 

 

No lying, no hiding. You tell him. And you hope to god that he doesn't kick you out immediately .

[The Way I Am]

Tell your husband right away. The longer you wait, the worse the consequences will be.

 

If he still doesn't want to go to counseling, you're probably better off ending the marriage. Either way, get some counseling for yourself.

 

Find out why you needed external validation.

 

That part's not too hard to figure out in this case. She was in pain from the miscarriage and had no support or affection from the man she loves. His behavior caused her additional pain. She was at a low point.

 

OP, what you need to figure out is why you made a series of destructive decisions. Why did you deal with the way you felt by going to this man instead of any of the other options, such as going to individual counseling yourself? Are you being completely truthful claiming that you went to see this man to get his help with your husband or is there some part of you that was hoping he'd give you validation?

 

Why did you go to his house alone and start drinking? You can't be naive enough to think that wasn't a recipe for cheating. Why did you make the decision to risk your marriage by going there?

[stillafool]

OP why are you posting this thread everywhere?

 

Smokey eyes is right. More than likely the best friend will be eaten up with guilt and his conscience will make him confess. The friend may even hate you at this point and blame you for what happened. Afterall you were the one who went to him. Your best bet is to tell your husband today what you have done, because you can be certain he will find out.

[ChooseTruth]

Total honesty is always the best thing imo. If you hide this, the longer it goes on the more explosive and damaging when it comes to light. If you come forward it also will liken the chances of you staying together. You'll also have to face the chance of not staying together...you've only been married 2 years and have no kids right? So young. 2-5 years of reconciliation is what people usually say, and I think it's correct.

 

Unfortunately I have a feeling if your H came here most people would tell him it's too risky to stay in a relationship and have kids with someone who will cheat so easily. But this makes it SOO much more important how you handle this. Lying absolutely destroys trust, more than a ONS will ever destroy trust. When you lie, you throw into question everything you say. I would not go on to have children with this man until you have dealt with this nasty problem. What if you have kids, THEN he finds out? Pretty unfair to everyone. He's much more likely to forgive someone coming to him teary eyed saying "I love you I'm sorry" than if he finds out some other way.

 

So besides total honesty here are some other things you'll need to do:

 

Be completely remorseful. Do NOT blame him for you cheating. You are responsible for your own actions.

Validate his pain, express shame.

Express your love

Show him what measures and changes you will take to prevent this from ever happening

Be completely transparent, give him all passwords to emails. Be tolerate if he's checking up on you like crazy for a while.

Go to counseling.

Normally I was say end all contact with the affair partner (AP) for all time....but it's his best friend...and frankly I haven't dealt with that kind of problem. I guess it depends on how your H feels and what he does. One thing I usually say as well is if the AP ever contacts you, you tell your H about it...but again in this case it's confusing.

 

Good luck, I hope you choose truth and either put in the work to reconcile, or move on and learn from your mistakes. Even if you move on, at least you didn't waste years that eventually end in a situation that is completely unfair for your H. Let him choose his path in life based on truth.

[affairaddict]

Are we reading the same thread?

Poor woman. Your husband gave you no support when you needed it most. I'm not surprised you cheated and craved emotional support and affection elsewhere.

 

You do need to fess up though and tell him how you've been feeling.

 

Good luck

[Editbee]

OP why are you posting this thread everywhere?

She's trying to seek sympathy and validation on this forum just like she did with her husband's so called friend but apparently she isn't getting what she was looking for.

[Editbee]

Are we reading the same thread?

Poor woman. Your husband gave you no support when you needed it most. I'm not surprised you cheated and craved emotional support and affection elsewhere.

 

You do need to fess up though and tell him how you've been feeling.

 

Good luck

So every time a bf or husband distances themselves from their woman, it's an excuse to seek validation and slept around on her man?

[Kate.23987]

It was a mistake. It wasn't intended and if I could take it back I would. I feel awful about what happened.

[Editbee]

It was a mistake. It wasn't intended and if I could take it back I would. I feel awful about what happened.

What the posters are trying to tell you if you put yourself in the position to go to his house and drink.

It's not wise to drink with the opposite sex and expect nothing will happen. Like someone else said, you can't be that naive.

 

If you feel awful, then your husband must be informed about it by you before he finds out elsewhere.

[Kate.23987]

She was in pain from the miscarriage and had no support or affection from the man she loves. His behavior caused her additional pain. She was at a low point.

 

This is why it happened. Is not just because I wanted to get laid or whatever.. as a lot of people I here think....

[Editbee]

That part's not too hard to figure out in this case. She was in pain from the miscarriage and had no support or affection from the man she loves. His behavior caused her additional pain. She was at a low point.

Same thing happened to my female cousin and she didn't seek validation (''compassion'') from another man.

[Kate.23987]

I did that. He wanted nothing to do with me after the miscarriage, after a few days or so. And any time I tried to talk to him he insulted me and belittled me.

[Kate.23987]

Not everyone deals with pain the same way.

[affairaddict]

The problem with this forum is, most of the betrayed will overlook anything no matter how bad and blame the cheat.

There's little compassion here. It's like everyone is cold bar few because of what happened to them.

Well your partner cheated mine did too but OP lost a baby and had no support from her husband. If you've not been in that situation how can you possibly know how awful it feels?

I can't believe people are ignoring what OP is saying but only seeing what they want to see I CHEATED.