I cheated on my husband

[It-is-what-it-is.]

That part's not too hard to figure out in this case. She was in pain from the miscarriage and had no support or affection from the man she loves. His behavior caused her additional pain. She was at a low point.

 

This misses the point. Why....when things are in trouble to you turn out, to get validation from others? This is an excuse. It is.

 

What about telling your husband?

[Betterthanthis13]

I understand most of this situations is my fault, I've never tried to claim its not. Part was Jason's for his decisions too. And a small, but still very hurtful, part of this is my husbands fault for treating me the way he did, at a time when he was the one person I needed. He blamed me rather than helped me and it made me feel alone. Don't judge me if you have never walked in my shoes.

 

Nobody is judging you. It's up to you to decide what you think is right.

 

No, it wasnt fair AT ALL for your husband to treat you poorly in the aftermath of a miscarriage. That was not ok. Not ok at all.

 

Sleeping with his best friend didn't "even the score" or really make you feel better. Now you have more problems than you did 3 days ago.

 

At some point this has to stop. It's your choice when it stops. You and only you can make your part of this right by being honest and accountable for your mistake.

 

If your husband was on here asking for advice after doing something hurtful to you, I wiuld be telling him the same thing. Be honest, own up to your mistakes, try to fix your relationship.

[Kate.23987]

so you aren't done blaming him.

 

i don't blame him for the affair, that was my fault. I blame him for treating me the way he did, and i blame myself for the poor decision i made dealing with that. Everything is not so black and white. This is a very grey area.

[Artie Lang]

look, you two suffered a very traumatic experience with your loss..... my sympathies. your husband might well have had a hand with how you felt, but the cheating lies squarely on your shoulders. that decision was all you. his d0uchebag friend might've taken advantage of the situation, but you had a choice right then and there.

 

 

are you still in contact with this "friend?"

[Sparty97]

i don't blame him for the affair, that was my fault. I blame him for treating me the way he did, and i blame myself for the poor decision i made dealing with that. Everything is not so black and white. This is a very grey area.

 

 

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated..

 

 

That sounds a lot like you are blaming him.

[Betterthanthis13]

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated..

 

Of course you felt upset, betrayed and alone after he treated you badly. Nobody with a heart will ever fault you for being devastated and upset at his behavior.

[velvette]

Lets be adults about this. I know it was my fault but I didn't just do it out of the blue. I have accepted responsibility for my part in this but everyone has had their part to play. I didn't do this without reason or without help.

 

I'm very sorry you lost your baby......but this is crap and certainly not adult thinking. In fact its very immature.

 

The loss of a child can cause even long and strong marriages to fail for the exact reason your husband told you....one or both of the spouses can hardly tolerate the presence of the other because it reminds them of the depth of their loss. It is fairly common and had you gotten yourself into counseling with or without your husband you might have learned this and how to deal with it. Immature mistake number 1.....failure to listen to your gut instinct and take action even if your H was being difficult. If your house was burning down and he couldn't or wouldn't call the fire dept would you just stand there or call them yourself.

 

Unless your H has other issues, he is grieving. There is a standard pattern for grief but everyone goes through it their own way at their own pace. Again counselor would have explained this to you and helped you navigate.

 

Part of the reason you cheated is you have boundary issues. Being alone with a man other than your husband at his house no less and drinking. Why did you put yourself in that position? You could have had the same conversation over the phone.

 

Infidelity is never a solution to problems in a marriage. You chose that solution. No one made you do it, drove you do it or any other version of blame shifting you can come up with. You chose it. You did it.

 

The adult lesson you will be learning if you tell your H is that you have now forfeited the right to discuss, address or for your H to even care what your issues were until the issue of your infidelity is addressed.

 

BTW I too think this behavior was passive aggressive. You will definitely now get a reaction from your H. Again, immature and needs to be addressed in counseling why you took this approach.

 

Time to grow up. Tell your husband, admit you were wrong and find out if he is willing to forgive you and wants to stay married.

[Kate.23987]

He asked me not to say anything but he won't hold it against me if I tell.

[Betterthanthis13]

It's impossible to imagine that you wouldn't be an emotional wreck after everything you have just been through. Not thinking clearly. That is all totally understandable.

 

Really, it doesn't truly matter if your reaction was that you cheated on him or you stole money or if you smashed his car out of your anger- it all amounts to the same thing really. Cheating is especially hurtful but it's done now so there's nothing you can do to change that.

 

You were upset at something he did (rightfully so) and then you reacted in a bad way (your responsibility)

 

You are so fragile and upset right now. You need help, real help to get theough this miscarriage, and you need your husband back as a partner. You made a mistake. It's probably forgiveable if you take 100 % responsibility for it.

 

He made a mistake by not supporting you during a really tough time. Are you more likely to forgive him if he comes to his senses and apologized- or blames his mistreatment of you on stress?

[stillafool]

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated..

 

Then tell your husband this when you confess.

 

I don't care what you've been through you did not have to cheat. I know too many women who have grieved over miscarrages and do not cheat on their husbands. Some of them were alone and not even married but sex was the last thing on their mind. You set up the coffee date, drank alcohol and then decided to go home with him. Nothing your husband has done makes him the blame for what you did. Again, if you really feel like your husband was responsible for your actions you should have no problem telling him what you and his friend did. When are you going to tell him?

[Kate.23987]

It's impossible to imagine that you wouldn't be an emotional wreck after everything you have just been through. Not thinking clearly. That is all totally understandable.

 

Really, it doesn't truly matter if your reaction was that you cheated on him or you stole money or if you smashed his car out of your anger- it all amounts to the same thing really. Cheating is especially hurtful but it's done now so there's nothing you can do to change that.

 

You were upset at something he did (rightfully so) and then you reacted in a bad way (your responsibility)

 

You are so fragile and upset right now. You need help, real help to get theough this miscarriage, and you need your husband back as a partner. You made a mistake. It's probably forgiveable if you take 100 % responsibility for it.

 

He made a mistake by not supporting you during a really tough time. Are you more likely to forgive him if he comes to his senses and apologized- or blames his mistreatment of you on stress?

 

I agree with this a lot. It covers everything I have been trying to say.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am very sorry for your loss. It must be a lot to deal with, and most certainly played a part in your vulnerabilities, however that is all they were...vulnerabilities, the onus is always on ourselves when we are vulnerable to recognize and put more boundaries in place.

 

Turning to a member of the opposite sex for comfort in never a good choice.

 

Kate, velvette has many good points...especially in regard to grief.

 

I understand that it is easier to not blame ourselves when we hurt another...its actually quite devastating to our sense of self respect and how we view ourselves as being "good", to say...out loud I did a horrible abusive thing to my husband. You did though. You had choice the whole time. You sadly choose an easy path, one that in the moment made you feel good, however fleeting.

 

If you value yourself as a person who has Self Respect, you will tell your husband the truth. He needs to dump this friend from his life, and he needs to not have sex with you, in case the om has any std's, he needs to protect himself.

 

On another note, was protection used?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Really, it doesn't truly matter if your reaction was that you cheated on him or you stole money or if you smashed his car out of your anger

 

I strongly disagree with this.

 

Money or cars can be replaced..

 

Fidelity can not.

 

It is gone.

 

She chose to hurt another...in her pain...her husband who she was angry at. She had laser precision on hitting him dead on. She hurt him back.

[Betterthanthis13]

Really, it doesn't truly matter if your reaction was that you cheated on him or you stole money or if you smashed his car out of your anger

 

I strongly disagree with this.

 

Money or cars can be replaced..

 

Fidelity can not.

 

It is gone.

 

She chose to hurt another...in her pain...her husband who she was angry at. She had laser precision on hitting him dead on. She hurt him back.

 

That's why my next sentence was "cheating is especially hurtful but it's done now and there's nothing you can do to change that" and suggested she take responsibility for her mistake, not cover it up

[Kate.23987]

I am very sorry for your loss. It must be a lot to deal with, and most certainly played a part in your vulnerabilities, however that is all they were...vulnerabilities, the onus is always on ourselves when we are vulnerable to recognize and put more boundaries in place.

 

Turning to a member of the opposite sex for comfort in never a good choice.

 

Kate, velvette has many good points...especially in regard to grief.

 

I understand that it is easier to not blame ourselves when we hurt another...its actually quite devastating to our sense of self respect and how we view ourselves as being "good", to say...out loud I did a horrible abusive thing to my husband. You did though. You had choice the whole time. You sadly choose an easy path, one that in the moment made you feel good, however fleeting.

 

If you value yourself as a person who has Self Respect, you will tell your husband the truth. He needs to dump this friend from his life, and he needs to not have sex with you, in case the om has any std's, he needs to protect himself.

 

On another note, was protection used?

 

We did use protection, from what I can remember.

[The Way I Am]

This misses the point. Why....when things are in trouble to you turn out, to get validation from others? This is an excuse. It is.

 

It didn't miss the point at all -- unless you only read my first sentence of that post.

 

She's given the reason for why she felt a need for external validation. It's a legitimate way to feel in the circumstances, and there's no mystery why she felt that way. In this case, there's nothing insightful down the "why did you need validation" line of thought, because it will always lead to "I had a miscarriage and my husband was treating me badly when I needed support".

 

Now, where you've mistaken my meaning is that you seem to think that I also suggest that her actions are excusable due to her need for validation. Not so.

 

Feeling a need for validation, no matter how justified that feeling, is not an excuse for selfish and destructive behavior. I think a more productive line of thought for OP is why she chose the actions she did instead of more healthy ones.

 

I didn't see him as someone who has sexual intentions with me. I saw him as a friend, someone to talk to.

 

You're not really that naive are you? Or do you think we are? You're trying to tell us that you didn't notice his attraction for you or feel any attraction for him before you went to his house? It was all completely platonic. You decided to go to his house and start drinking without the slightest inkling of attraction on either of your parts. Then after a bit of alcohol, you just jumped into bed.

 

Sorry, I don't buy that. That's not how alcohol works. It doesn't just make two people who never felt attracted to each other jump into bed. But it doesn't matter if I believe you. It's only yourself you're hurting if you're lying to us or yourself. If you want to stick to this whole "I"ve done nothing wrong and it was all just the alcohol and my bad husband's fault", I don't see things working out very well for you.

Edited August 24, 2013 by The Way I Am

[AlwaysGrowing]

Well, hopefully there won't be a pregnancy.

 

As far as std's, you will have to go get tested. And again in a few months, as not all show up right away.

 

You will have to abstain from unprotected sex with your husband.

[bentleychic]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

 

(I don't belong on this board, but saw it when I clicked on new posts. I have had a miscarriage and remember the pain (both physical and heart ache) all too well.)

[Kate.23987]

It didn't miss the point at all -- unless you only read my first sentence of that post.

 

She's given the reason for why she felt a need for external validation. It's a legitimate way to feel in the circumstances, and there's no mystery why she felt that way. In this case, there's nothing insightful down the "why did you need validation" line of thought, because it will always lead to "I had a miscarriage and my husband was treating me badly when I needed support".

 

Now where you've mistaken my meaning is that you seem to think that I also suggest that her actions are excusable due to her need for validation. Not so.

 

Feeling a need for validation, no matter how justified that feeling, is not an excuse for selfish and destructive behavior. I think a more productive line of thought for OP is why she chose the actions she did instead of more healthy ones.

 

 

 

You're not really that naive are you? Or do you think we are? You're trying to tell us that you didn't notice his attraction for you or feel any attraction for him before you went to his house? It was all completely platonic. You decided to go to his house and start drinking without the slightest inkling of attraction on either of your parts. Then after a bit of alcohol, you just jumped into bed.

 

Sorry, I don't buy that. That's not how alcohol works. It doesn't just make two people who never felt attracted to each other jump into bed. But it doesn't matter if I believe you. It's only yourself you're hurting if you're lying to us or yourself. If you want to stick to this whole "I"ve done nothing wrong and it was all just the alcohol and my bad husband's fault", I don't see things working out very well for you.

 

I honestly believe that I didn't think he had any intentions with me, and I certainly didn't. I confided in him in order that he would talk to my husband (the only person I believe could get through to him) and we could work on our relationship. The time got away from us, our conversation drifted and it felt nice to have a normal conversation with someone. I didn't return home, because I didn't particularly want to, knowing the reception I would receive (as I have felt ever since the miscarriage). It was wrong, I accept my responsibility. But it takes two people to have sex and I started out with the purest intentions. I made a mistake, I'm only human.

[Mr. Lucky]

I cheated in my husband with his best friend?

Probably safe at this time to start labeling him as your husband's ex-best friend. And your spouse as your soon-to-be ex-husband...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

You didn't plan for it to happen but you were able to use protection? Somebody planned it.

[Betterthanthis13]

We did use protection, from what I can remember.

 

That's good. One less thing to worry about.

 

Just get it all out there and be honest- you have got a long emotional road ahead of you- The only way to put it in the past and move on is to deal with it. I know it's scary but you are obviously very strong and you can handle it. You will make it through this.

 

Think how much better it would have been if your husband had been able to deal with his emotions instead of stuffing them down. Now it's your turn. Woman up, confess, take 100% responsibility and set a good example for him.

 

I can't promise that he will do the same. He might never come through for you. He might use your mistake to blame you and retaliate in se other way instead of dealing with it. We can't predict the future. You can get this over with though, and do what you think is right, and you know in your heart you want to do.

 

I get it, it was probably a cry for help- don't back down now. Face your mistakes and and conquer them. You can do it.

[michelangelo]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have been together for five. I'm 25 and he is 27 and obviously I love in very, very much.

 

No, this is not obvious. You screwed his so-called best friend.

 

You should never have confided in that guy or gone to his house, nor, obviously, gotten drunk with him.

 

Instead, you should have gone to counseling with or without your husband and gotten to the bottom of your marriage issues.

 

Do not use excuses for why you cheated. You wanted to screw the guy--period.

 

You were not forced into it.

 

Going back to his place can be construed as a green light.

 

Why didn't you talk to a girlfriend, your mom, a counselor?

 

Because you wanted sexual contact with a man and didn't care at all the fall out from doing it.

 

You've destroyed your marriage. the best you can do is maybe reconcile if you are truthful Even then, you don't get to decide. Your husband would. Or not.

 

I amn sorry you had a miscarriage, but using that as an excuse to justify cheating is pretty awful and unfair.

Edited August 24, 2013 by michelangelo

[Kate.23987]

That's good. One less thing to worry about.

 

Just get it all out there and be honest- you have got a long emotional road ahead of you- The only way to put it in the past and move on is to deal with it. I know it's scary but you are obviously very strong and you can handle it. You will make it through this.

 

Think how much better it would have been if your husband had been able to deal with his emotions instead of stuffing them down. Now it's your turn. Woman up, confess, take 100% responsibility and set a good example for him.

 

I can't promise that he will do the same. He might never come through for you. He might use your mistake to blame you and retaliate in se other way instead of dealing with it. We can't predict the future. You can get this over with though, and do what you think is right, and you know in your heart you want to do.

 

I get it, it was probably a cry for help- don't back down now. Face your mistakes and and conquer them. You can do it.

 

Thank you so much for your help. I'm going now, I'm going to tell him. And I'll face the consequences. Thank you everyone for your help, whether I agreed with it or not, y'all took time out to help me. THANK YOU!

[Archanaart]

I don't get why you would go HIS best friends house to DRINK without your husband?!

 

Like why would you drink with his best friend?

what did you think would happen?

What were your intentions?

 

Don't you have your own friends?

 

I mean if you were vulnerable then wouldn't you turn to someone who is YOUR best friend or family.

 

I find that odd.