I cheated on my husband

[Archanaart]

Lets be adults about this. I know it was my fault but I didn't just do it out of the blue. I have accepted responsibility for my part in this but everyone has had their part to play. I didn't do this without reason or without help.

 

Wait, you accepted responsibility?!!

 

I think accepting responsibility is telling your husband the truth.

 

If you're a big enough girl to sleep with his best friend then you're a big enough girl to tell the truth.

[Betterthanthis13]

Thank you so much for your help. I'm going now, I'm going to tell him. And I'll face the consequences. Thank you everyone for your help, whether I agreed with it or not, y'all took time out to help me. THANK YOU!

 

If I was your friend IRL I'd hold your hand while you told him if you wanted me to. I really hope things get better for u. Whatever happens you will be stronger for it. Keep us updated. Hugs

[It-is-what-it-is.]

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated..

 

So Kate.

 

For the record...years ago, I had a miscarriage, my husband was a dick about it afterword. He was immature and handled his emotions poorly and basically was unsupportive.

 

We fought about it. We argued. It caused us stress. It was awful. I was about 27 then.

 

My go to reaction was not to go vent to another man, drink and put myself into a position of doing something dumb.

 

This affair was your fault. The betrayal of your marriage was 100% your fault (full stop..) that is accepting accountability.

 

Jason betrayed his friendship with your husband (separate 100% fault) full stop.

 

You and your husband and the issue with your communication, with handling the miscarriage, that is 50% each of you.

 

I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry you have exacerbated that with this bad choice.

 

I am sorry too that your husband is handling it badly.

 

If your marriage can survive, I believe that going to others when you seek validation will add risk whenever there are stresses in your marriage. Because there will always be hard things. Separate from you, your husband needs to have some help with learning to handle his emotions.

 

You start to fix this by telling him and dealing with the fallout.

 

But don't say what I quoted or he will toss you to the curb.

 

Good luck.

[janedoe67]

You did this two days ago. That coupled with the grieving, and it is understandable that your brain and emotions are probably pretty messed up.

 

First things first - I have no doubt that you have been through terrible grief. Given that most things I have read on grieving recognize a gender difference in the way people grieve, and given that it is common for marriages to have a rough period during grieving, I have no doubt that you did feel isolated and alone, that your husband probably has handled it differently than you, and that whether he intended to or not, some of this probably hurt you.

 

That said, the choice to cheat is 100% the responsibility of the cheater. I cheated after being in a sexless, touchless marriage for years to a man who forgot I was there and had trouble keeping a job and all sorts of other problems in our marriage. My unhappiness was valid. My choice to cheat was NOT.

 

So the first thing to reconcile is the fact that no matter what you were going through, it was in your power NOT to cheat, but you did. YOU made the series of choices.

 

Now....a real marriage is built on trust and intimacy. That has been broken, whether your husband is aware of it or not. So the best thing to do is to tell him, with humility and acceptance of your responsibility, the truth. You could hide this and play at intimacy....but it would be a sham with such a secret. yes, I am calling intimacy in marriages where there is undisclosed adultery a sham. It's right up there with never telling your child he/she was adopted or spending the money the bank accidentally put into an account you know is not yours. It is lying.

 

The hope comes here: You recognize that what you did was wrong, and if YOU choose to confess fully, if you work hard and support and help him through the pain....you CAN recover. There will also be a time and place to address the rift that was happening in your marriage, but that comes AFTER his hurt from this betrayal has begun to abate.

 

I have learned that the best view of this kind of situation is the balanced, objective one. I got some of my BEST advice after my A from my mom - who has never cheated and is in a good marriage - she had no "baggage" to churn out with me as the scapegoat.

 

The most damaging kinds of advice are the "poor you, no wonder you cheated" kind AND the "everything good you have ever done or will ever do is wiped out because of this one choice, and you are forever evil." Both are blind, often agenda-motivated extremes.

 

Do the right thing, be honest, and treat your husband with love and respect.

[Tayla]

In some ways its best to ask yourself, how would you want to be approached for such confessions? Not one of us can say without a doubt what is best between this lady and her marital spouse. Guidance is more often bias for one side or the other. So I'll stick with the middle here and leave the adults to mend fences. I wish comfort reaches both of them. Losing a child and a possible marriage is not a path many choose willingly...

[road]

You have a messed up way in showing it. If you try to hide this from him then what you said is bu!!$h!t. Both of you knew what you were doing when it lead into sex, alcohol is no excuse and you chose to cheat.

 

The last thing your husband needs is two traitors smiling and lying in front of his face. If your remorseful as you say you are then tell him.

 

The truth.

 

Another truth you need to tell your BH about his friend/OM2.

[road]

This is why it happened. Is not just because I wanted to get laid or whatever.. as a lot of people I here think....

 

 

Yes you did. You just are in denial.

[road]

I did that. He wanted nothing to do with me after the miscarriage, after a few days or so. And any time I tried to talk to him he insulted me and belittled me.

 

 

No he did not want to do anything with you after OM1. I bet he had doubts as to if he was the dad or OM1.

[janedoe67]

No he did not want to do anything with you after OM1. I bet he had doubts as to if he was the dad or OM1.

 

 

Did you READ the thread? This happened two days ago and she hasn't told him yet.

[road]

I didn't see him as someone who has sexual intentions with me. I saw him as a friend, someone to talk to.

 

 

When a man brings a woman home and starts poring booze he has one goal in mind. To get into that woman's pants.

 

 

Also did you have to drink alcohol to talk?

 

 

Maybe you're right. I just find it a bit unfair that ALL of the blame for this is being placed on my shoulders. I'm not tying to act like a child by pointing the finger upon everyone else, but I do think some responsibility has to be placed elsewhere. It takes two people to have sex right? And there are only so many times a person can be beaten (metaphorically speaking) at a time when they are already vulnerable before they act out. I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR MYSELF. But other factors do have to be taken into consideration. I wouldn't just cheat on my husband because I wanted to hurt him, why would I hurt him, I love him. It wasn't intentional and I think that's a HUGE point that y'all are missing.

 

 

All the blame on your shoulders?

 

Maybe because you kept letting multiple OM put you on your back.

[road]

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated..

 

 

Still blaming others. First step to grow is to admit and blame only yourself for banging OM1 and OM2.

[road]

Did you READ the thread? This happened two days ago and she hasn't told him yet.

 

 

You reread it.

 

OP banged OM1.

 

BH had a dday.

 

OP got pregnant. Without doing the recovery work I am sure this BH had doubts as to who the father is.

 

Miscarriage.

 

OP needs to tell her BH.

 

OP get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You and your BH know nothing about recovering from an affair. You do not know about having boundaries and protecting your marriage from affairs.

 

Your BH's mental condition shows that you do not know how to repair trust that you broke from banging OM1. And now you need this book more then ever that you broke trust further by banging OM2.

 

When you tell your BH about OM2 do not tell him it was because he made the marriage bad.

 

OP bangs OM2/BH's BF.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You reread it.

 

OP banged OM1.

 

BH had a dday.

 

OP got pregnant. Without doing the recovery work I am sure this BH had doubts as to who the father is.

 

Miscarriage.

 

OP needs to tell her BH.

 

OP get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You and your BH know nothing about recovering from an affair. You do not know about having boundaries and protecting your marriage from affairs.

 

Your BH's mental condition shows that you do not know how to repair trust that you broke from banging OM1. And now you need this book more then ever that you broke trust further by banging OM2.

 

When you tell your BH about OM2 do not tell him it was because he made the marriage bad.

 

OP bangs OM2/BH's BF.

 

Road

 

You have misread.

 

OP got pregnant by husband and miscarried. 3 months ago

 

BS husband apparently handled miscarriage (and whatever) by isolating himself.

 

OP turned to BS BFF for advice, comfort and had a one night stand (I believe)

 

This happened 2 days ago.

 

She has not told BS yet.

[janedoe67]

Road

 

You have misread.

 

OP got pregnant by husband and miscarried. 3 months ago

 

BS husband apparently handled miscarriage (and whatever) by isolating himself.

 

OP turned to BS BFF for advice, comfort and had a one night stand (I believe)

 

This happened 2 days ago.

 

She has not told BS yet.

 

You are correct

[bubbaganoosh]

Ok. You took your lumps on this forum and now you need a ice bag and be ready for round two. Your going to have to muster up some serious courage and face the music. What ever happens, happens but you don't want to make it any worse than it is. Husband has to deal with your infidelity betrayal, and his best friends betrayal. Please. Don't start telling him that is was because of his behavior. You might be very well right when you say that he didn't support you and put you down and all that, but right now he has to deal with a double whammy with you and his best friend, and the loss of your baby. Maybe and no one here knows what the outcome will be from this but if somehow both of you can salvage this and get to a MC, the MC will be able to bring that up and discuss it with him.

 

Hindsight being 20/20, if things were that bad at home, you should have packed a few bags and went to your parents or friends and told him when he's ready to talk in a civilized manner then call me and we'll talk and get help. Chances are he would have known he messed up. Good luck.

[Betterthanthis13]

Road- sometimes you are on point and have good observations but I think this time u missed it...

It's ok--- I replied to one of your posts with an analogy about nose picking and I got it all wrong. you called me out on my bad reading comprehension skills and you were right. Happens to the best of us

[Nyla]

I think your husband's "best friend" was very manipulative. He used your vulnerable state against you. Maybe if you hadn't just had a miscarriage and your husband wasn't being distant, you would not have ended up sleeping with him. I am not saying that you are not responsible for your actions; the infidelity was YOUR choice. However, I do think that the best friend knew exactly when to strike.

 

When you do tell your husband, don't blame his behavior because that will look like you do not wish to take responsibility for what you did. When the wounds are less raw, you and your husband can rationally discuss the events around your ONS. Be prepared for your husband to cut off contact with his "best friend".

[Try]

I don't have feelings for Jason at all, he's a nice person, but I do not like him like that.

Here is what you do not get. If you cheated because you had feelings for Jason that you did not know about, then if your husband wants to reconcile ® and make sure that he will feel secure that you will not cheat on him again, all he has to do is keep you away from Jason and make sure that boundaries are in place that will reduce the odds of such feelings developing again with someone else. If on the other hand, you were able to cheat with someone that you do not have feelings for, then there is nothing that he can do that will make him feel secure that you will not cheat again.

[Jonah]

sounds like you have much to worry about... medical problems and all. Unless you have feelings for J then is it even an affair? My call is that all of this was caused by alcohol and your H has caused much of this anyway. Leave the booze and all those that partake of it behind and you shall begin to live a life.

[BeholdtheMan]

I don't think that telling him will make things better.I love him so much, I cant bear to hurt him. Please can anyone help? I don't know what to do?!

IF you're husband is like 99% of the men out there, he'll be grateful for finding out that his wife is unfaithful. He would rather know than be kept in the dark. I suspect that if the tables were turned, you would rather know than be kept in the dark, no?

 

Respect your husband as a man, don't assume he'll be took weak to handle the truth. He probably can.

 

Furthermore...if we're being bluntly honest here, your desire to avoid angering your husband and causing more pain and inconvenience for yourself is probably why you're hesitant to confess. You're not a monster, but I don't think you're an angel either.

 

There are selfish reasons for why you don't want to confess...I don't think you're hesitant to speak the truth out of altruistic concern for your husband's delicate feelings. You already have it in you to cheat on him with his best friend. You didn't think of hurting his feelings then did you?

 

Don't justify a self-serving decision to keep him in the dark by claiming that you're only protecting him. If you ever tell him that tired and lame excuse to his face when he finds out, he'll likely flip out on you.

 

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated

That sounds a lot like denying responsibility

 

Let me give you an analogy. Let's say my friend and I get into a heated argument over football at my house. He gives me a hard shove. I respond by pulling out my flick knife and stabbing his arm.

 

Can I say "It was because of my friend's actions that I stabbed him with a knife?" No...because as an adult human being in possession of all my faculties, I have the ability to choose how to respond.

 

After being shoved I could verbally tell him to calm down, shove him back, punch him...stabbing him with a knife would be one of the worst decisions to make. In your situation, you could've tried to communicate with your husband, turned to a female friend of yours, turned to your husband's parents, even left him temporarily or otherwise. Instead, you got yourself drunk at his best friend's house (because you wanted to go there, don't blame the rain please...and you wanted to drink, no one forced alcohol down your throat) and you spread your legs for his best friend.

 

The choice to respond by cheating was completely yours. Your husband gave your the cold shoulder when he was in emotional distress. Do you see how fu**ing his best friend was a totally unjustified and inappropriate response to your husband's distant behaviour, sort of like how knifing someone for shoving you would be totally unjustified?

[2sunny]

Thank you so much for your help. I'm going now, I'm going to tell him. And I'll face the consequences. Thank you everyone for your help, whether I agreed with it or not, y'all took time out to help me. THANK YOU!

 

It's good you decided to be honest with your H.

 

Do you plan to tell him it was with his friend?

 

What was his reaction?

[AlwaysGrowing]

sounds like you have much to worry about... medical problems and all. Unless you have feelings for J then is it even an affair? My call is that all of this was caused by alcohol and your H has caused much of this anyway.

 

FTR

 

Yes it was infidelity.

Alcohol does not cause infidelity.

Her husband has zero responsibility

 

 

Be very careful in the advice you decide to explore more into.

It was most certainly infidelity, you already know that. Heck, kids in grade six know that

You also know that regardless of alcohol, you chose to go to this mans house, chose to drink, chose the sex.

You know, that those were your choices, that your husband did not have any input into that night, you did. So how could he be even in the slightest responsible for YOUR choices? HE WASN'T EVEN THERE.

[Coolit]

This was not an affair. It was a ONS. And cheating. But an affair is something carried on past one isolated incident.

[2sunny]

This was not an affair. It was a ONS. And cheating. But an affair is something carried on past one isolated incident.

 

She didn't describe it as an affair - she said she cheated.

[pink_sugar]

My brother's fiancee took off with his friend and had him believing they didn't "do anything" despite going places together overnight and on small trips....yeah right. Wasn't his best friend, so it was easy to call off that friendship. His fiance had mixed feelings and called off the engagement. Good thing for my brother, because he found someone shortly after who really makes him happy.

 

You must tell your husband what happened and accept the consequences of this. Cheating is hard enough, cheating with his best friend will make this an even worse blow.