I cheated on my husband

[janedoe67]

Kate, I don't think word parsing will help you.

 

Did you betray your husband and your vows? Yes. What someone does or does not call it is immaterial. Tell your husband, taking full responsibility for your actions. Make a plan to help him heal from the hurt and protect yourself and your marriage. Answer all of his questions truthfully. Commit to no contact with this other person for life - even if he IS your husband's friend. I honestly doubt he will be your husband's friend after this, but either way, you do not need this man in your life at all.

 

Your husband will be hurt and angry. He will not be ready to hear how he hurt you for awhile because he will be consumed with how this betrayal feels. Be patient. Be empathetic. Be compassionate. If he becomes verbally abusive, then tell him you know that you hurt him terribly, and you want to work it through with him but not when he is having an outburst, and then calmly leave the room. Let him see your phone, your emails, whatever he needs to feel safe.

 

Find a good, loving but firmly honest female friend or counselor to help you through the fallout. Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically; your body is still recovering. Find a way to have some joy in your life too - constant heavy sadness is not healthy for either of you.

 

IF you take the steps to protect your marriage, take care of your husband, and take care of yourself, you can personally and maritally recover from this. This can become part of your past - something that cannot be changed but that no longer drives either of you. Some of that will depend upon how your husband eventually chooses to either forgive and create a new marriage or hold on and keep that "upper hand." That is something you cannot control. There are men out there who are strong enough and honorable enough to do that - my husband did/is.

 

Focus on being the kind of woman you would admire.

[aliveagain]

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated..

 

Saying this to your husband will have the same effect as throwing gasoline on a fire. Whatever is wrong in your marriage you both own equally, your decision to cheat belongs only to you. You both lost a child, only you cheated. You are going to have to dig very deep to find the real reason you did what you did and you need to do this with the help of a professional, one who specializes in infidelity. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, great book and will help you put things into perspective. By taking the initiative you will be showing him you choose the marriage and you are truly remorseful and that will go a long way to making him feel safe again. You are making it his decision to stay or leave the marriage, you lost your vote when you became unfaithful, let's hope it is not an absolute deal breaker for him. That is a possibility. Telling him is absolutely the right thing to do, keeping something this dark from him will eat your soul. Men brag, you already know you can't trust his friend, don't count on a predator to keep your secret. This man needs to be out of both your lives right now.

[road]

Road- sometimes you are on point and have good observations but I think this time u missed it...

It's ok--- I replied to one of your posts with an analogy about nose picking and I got it all wrong. you called me out on my bad reading comprehension skills and you were right. Happens to the best of us

 

Problem is that reading between the OP's lines to get at her BH's thoughts.

[road]

This was not an affair. It was a ONS. And cheating. But an affair is something carried on past one isolated incident.

 

To earn the title infidelity, cheating, affair, all mean the same thing. Whether one time does not make it not an affair.

[mack25]

I always love he quote "one thing led to another and we had sex". I have a honest question: while you were starting to hook up, make out, feeling each other-- did you have thoughts of your husband or what this could do o him?

[stillafool]

Thank you so much for your help. I'm going now, I'm going to tell him. And I'll face the consequences. Thank you everyone for your help, whether I agreed with it or not, y'all took time out to help me. THANK YOU!

 

Somehow I doubt this.

[Coolit]

Problem is that reading between the OP's lines to get at her BH's thoughts.

 

By creating an OM1? I had go go reread the OP when I saw your post because it did not make sense at all. My post was for people calling it an affair. They are different and to the reasonable make a difference. (still cheating an still wrong$ My husband would have been way happier if i had had a ONS than a thought out, planned out, affair.

[janedoe67]

Everything posted by the OP aligns with one OM and paternity is not even a factor. That is just projection. However, one OM is one too many.

[Nyla]

My brother's fiancee took off with his friend and had him believing they didn't "do anything" despite going places together overnight and on small trips....yeah right. Wasn't his best friend, so it was easy to call off that friendship. His fiance had mixed feelings and called off the engagement. Good thing for my brother, because he found someone shortly after who really makes him happy.

 

You must tell your husband what happened and accept the consequences of this. Cheating is hard enough, cheating with his best friend will make this an even worse blow.

 

I'm glad your brother wised up and his fiancée called things off.

 

What kind of person spends overnights with a "friend" of the opposite sex if he/she is attached?

 

Common courtesy and respect should keep someone from doing such things.

Edited August 25, 2013 by Nyla

[Ebelskiver]

If this was truly a one time only mistake. You regret it, and if you can be absolutely sure that the friend will NEVER tell your husband.....then keep your mouth shut. The pain and havoc that this one mistake will cause your husband is not worth it if this was one moment of weakness in what will be an otherwise happy and long and faithful marriage.

 

However, if you forsee this happening again. Or if his friend may blab, it better come from you. And soon.

 

Most everyone on this site has been cheated on. Me too. If my boyfriend had only done it once, regretted it and never done it again. I would rather not know. But if it was an ongoing affair (which it was), I needed to know. And I did find out.

 

But still, one mistake should not define your whole life.

[road]

By creating an OM1? I had go go reread the OP when I saw your post because it did not make sense at all. My post was for people calling it an affair. They are different and to the reasonable make a difference. (still cheating an still wrong$ My husband would have been way happier if i had had a ONS than a thought out, planned out, affair.

 

 

Every BH no matter what his WW did or how long the affair went on says on dday thank god it could of been worse.

 

Thank god it was a ONS.

 

Thank god it was only a month long and they did it 5 times, it could of been worse.

 

TG it was only 2 years, WW could of got knocked up.

 

 

 

I thought I had read some where that the OP had cheated before she got pregnant.

Edited August 26, 2013 by road

[janedoe67]

Every BH no matter what his WW did or how long the affair went on says on dday thank god it could of been worse.

 

Thank god it was a ONS.

 

Thank god it was only a month long and they did it 5 times, it could of been worse.

 

TG it was only 2 years, WW could of got knocked up.

 

 

 

I thought I had read some where that the OP had cheated before she got pregnant.

 

In that case, the correct response to the last sentence here is: I was wrong.

[Chi townD]

A few things I don't get is that she went to his friend to figure out a way to get through to her husband. The main focus of the meeting was to figure out how to improve the relationship turns into an all night screw session?

 

She states that it was completely unintentional. Yet, she STAYED ALL NIGHT! I mean, if it was a huge mistake, as soon as the deed was done, she should have been fill with so much guilt and remorse that should have sent her running for the door. Not snuggling up against him all night long.

 

I believe that women underestimate how destroyed a man becomes when there's a miscarriage as well. Just because we can't carry children and give birth to them doesn't mean that we don't love them any less. Or women think that we can't bond with them as well even though they're not growing inside us.

 

He lost a child as well. He lost the dream of seeing his son play in his first football game or watch his daughter in her first dance recital. It hurts! And he didn't know how to process and cope with the pain. Looking at his wife was a constant reminder of what they have lost and he had no idea how to handle it. So, he handled it badly.

 

What SHOULD have happened is that his wife should have DEMANDED that they go to marriage counseling to learn how to mourn TOGETHER! If he refused to go, then she should have packed a bag and left! Stating that she can't live with the relationship in the state it was. And if he wasn't willing to work on it, then there's nothing more to say or do. THEN, she would have been free to seek solace with anyone she wanted to.

[ChooseTruth]

The problem with this forum is, most of the betrayed will overlook anything no matter how bad and blame the cheat.

There's little compassion here. It's like everyone is cold bar few because of what happened to them.

Well your partner cheated mine did too but OP lost a baby and had no support from her husband. If you've not been in that situation how can you possibly know how awful it feels?

I can't believe people are ignoring what OP is saying but only seeing what they want to see I CHEATED.

 

People are responsible for their own actions.

 

There is no excuse for cheating EVER. Leave the relationship if it's that bad. Live an honest life, don't become the bad guy.

 

She can brood on what he did wrong, but that's not going to save the marriage after her cheating. When someone turns into a liar, EVERYTHING is thrown into question. It's the most crazy making thing that could happen.

 

 

(I just read you plan on telling him. Takes bravery, I hope it works out. It will be scary for a while, but things will land where they should)

Edited August 26, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[The Way I Am]

Kate, did you tell your husband yet? If so, how did it go?

[Kate.23987]

Kate, did you tell your husband yet? If so, how did it go?

 

I told him on Saturday, taking in to account everyone's advice. I explained that I went out with Jason and we started drinking and then we eventually slept together. I've never seen anyone so devasted and angry and hurt in my life. It was awful, as I know is what I deserve. I tried to apologize but before I could even do anything he told me to get into the car. He drove to Jason's office, where he was working, stormed up into his office and burst in. He walked straight up to him and punched him. He got him down on the ground and kept punching continusly until the other guys at his office got him off. what he said was to this effect: 'you think you can just **** my wife ad get away with it..you were my best ****ing friend, you were the one who helped me when I proposed you were the ****ing best man at our wedding..I was going to let you be the goddamn godfather to my child and this is how you repay me...you are dead to me.'

 

And then he turned to me and said 'And as for you, I want you to go back and get all your shift out of my house and get the **** out of my life, you greedy, selfish, disgusting whore. I'm glad you had the miscarriage, so now it means I can divorce you in good confidence.'

 

I picked up my stuff and I'm staying at a hotel. So I guess that's the amazing justice y'all wanted. I've lost everything.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am sorry that things went so bad, and that he called you names. Nobody wanted you to lose everything. I hope you are taking care of yourself and being safe.

 

Have you tried to talk to him now that he's had a few days to calm down? Often when the BS has a little time they regret their initial reaction as well.

 

You should continue to try to reach out to him. Like ask him to attend MC with you?

 

You should make an appointment with a therapist for you too.

 

Take care

[firemanq]

Ok. The husband is in a serious funk. He broods and is sulking around and is acting in a terrible manner. He's obviously hurting and needs to seek some help. Now does he go get professional help or some bimbo down the street? You need help also and you chose his best friend and it's one thing to talk to him, another to undress and jump into bed.

 

You created a big mess. Not only cheating but with his best friend and now you have to come clean. Think he was in a bad mood before? You in for a ton of "You ain't seen nothing yet" and I don't know how your going to dig your way out of this one. With one zip of the pants, he lost his wife and best friend. Real good choice. Real good.

 

 

Bubbaganoosh is the first to have thought how the loss of a child has affected the husband. He, being a man, is less able to express his feelings about the loss. Now we have two people who are suffering and do not know how to communicate about their loss. The couple is moving farther apart and without help, will separate. They both need counseling to accept the grief. She has the added stress of her infidelity and bringing an outsider into the confusion both have.

[Coolit]

I am sorry, I know you may regret telling him but facing the music is never easy. And, he said things he didn't mean. No one who is that devestated over the loss of his unborn child would actually mean what he said. That was the hurt talking. To many, infedelity is the ultimate betrayal. And with a best friend is the cherry on the top.

 

He may want more answers, he may have more accusations. Find yourself some strong femal support. Get into counselling asap.

 

But remember this. Yes, you deserved his anger but you do not deserve physical violence. Should he threaten or physically harm you in any way call the police.

[janedoe67]

I can't even imagine how much that hurt. Yes, he is very very hurt, and justifiably so, but I KNOW you are devastated as well, and being told "you pay you play" won't help.

 

There may be some good in this, however. You h is obviously very hurt and angry, but he is also venting it. He is expressing it. The miscarriage statement was a pretty raw thing to say, BUT he is in tremendous pain.

 

A person who is able to express pain and anger is usually also able to eventually work through it. It's the brooding types who WANT to hold onto it like a lifetime slow burn of punishment who have the hardest time truly recovering and being - to be frank - spouses anyone would want to remain married to after the affair recovery work has been done....because with them it will never be done.

 

If you want to save your marriage, fight for it. Tell him you love him and you are not giving up. Tell him you KNOW YOU screwed up, and you know he has no trust, and you are going to do whatever it takes to rebuild that. Find ways to take care of him even if he keeps you at arm's length. Set up protections for yourself. Be transparent and open. When he needs to rail, hold him and listen. Physical abuse is never ever okay, so if that happens take the appropriate steps, but focus on healing his wounds. Find some good female wise support for you too.

 

What he did within 48 hours of finding out may not be the end.

 

If you want to recover, then do the work, don;t give up easily.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Kate, I understand how difficult it was for you to tell your husband. However, it was the right thing to do. Lying either by outright or omission is what keeps us tied to our poor choices.

 

Your husband deserved the truth, you telling him, was you showing him respect...for him and yourself.

 

Your husband has every right to feel as he does about his "friend", I can't imagine the hurt of a double betrayal. Violence is never an answer. I hope your husband can get support from people who love him.

 

It's not about justice...because quite frankly there is nothing that can replace fidelity once it is gone. It's about respecting yourself and your husband. Giving him the truth, so that he can make choices about his life. Choices that are based on what is real, not lies being told to him. Everyone deserves that. It is his life.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Find yourself some strong femal support. Get into counselling asap.

 

This can not be stated loudly enough.

 

You have much to work on. You can't make your husband do anything, you can however do whatever it takes for YOU.

 

Please do not give a rats azz about this friend...he simply is not a friend..to either you or your husband.

[ChooseTruth]

I'm sorry it's started off so badly. I know this must be such an awful time.

 

At least you came clean and now if things get better it's the right way. Can you imagine what would have happened if he had found out some other way?

 

I don't agree with the violence either...there's never an excuse for that unless you are acting in self defense IMO. My WW was terrified I'd do something like that =\ I guess it does happen sometimes.

 

You won't have lost everything. Don't lose hope. Life goes on whatever the outcome. You are young, the possibilities are endless.

[bubbaganoosh]

Leave a sleeping dog lie. Right now the best thing you can do is leave the man alone. Do not contact him. No emails, no text, no having a friend relaying a message. Leave him alone. He needs a lot of time and getting in his face to explain or say how sorry you are can be harmful to your health. He's in no mood to here explanations or apologies. He won't listen or believe you. The only way for contact is for him to call you. He'll do it when he's ready and if it's a week or a year, it will be his choosing and then he'll be ready to talk, but please don't get your hopes too high. The man is full of rage, hurt and hate at this point and if you show up either in person or message, you'll just crank him up again. Think about this real hard.

[aliveagain]

We have all been on one side or the other of what you just went through, we know what that hurt feels like. You had to put a proper end to the terrible mistake you made. How could you stay married to your husband with such a big lie hanging over your heads? Let things settle down for a few days and than call him, tell him how sorry you are for what happened, tell him you love him and you want the marriage. The fact that you willingly told him the truth will have a positive effect on him. Get yourself into counseling, regardless of the outcome you need to work on yourself. At some point you need to move back into your home, you have rights. I remember how angry I was when I discovered her infidelity. I went looking for him, I had my Smith and Wesson knife, a baseball bat and 4 feet of steel towing chain. I was going to hurt him, the police found me first. You need truth in a marriage if it has any hopes of surviving. Trickle Truth and lies will destroy a marriage more then the infidelity, you did the right thing.