I cheated on my husband

[Coolit]

I want to add, as at the end of my A (before it was over) I very nearly ended my life. Please, if you are even having that thought cross your mind, go to Emerg. They will help you. Don't go at this alone.

[imtooconfused]

I picked up my stuff and I'm staying at a hotel. So I guess that's the amazing justice y'all wanted. I've lost everything.

 

Kate.23987, I started reading this thread from the beginning onward. Hearing your story in that order, I clearly understood that there was absolutely no good outcome. It was so obvious that you were both hurting from your initial loss that you were not able to console each other. But you have to understand how hurtful your subsequent actions were. I'm not trying to pin any blame, but please try to have some understanding for your husbands feelings.

 

No one on this thread wanted this to happen to you. But this would be the outcome whether it was last Saturday, next month or if your husband found out about it after two children. Postponing the inevitable does not make the inevitable any easier to handle. There is only one person to blame for this chain of events and it is Jason for taking advantage of you in a time of emotional crisis, not anyone here on this forum.

 

The only way forward from here...

 

Leave a sleeping dog lie. Right now the best thing you can do is leave the man alone. Do not contact him. No emails, no text, no having a friend relaying a message. Leave him alone. He needs a lot of time and getting in his face to explain or say how sorry you are can be harmful to your health. He's in no mood to here explanations or apologies. He won't listen or believe you. The only way for contact is for him to call you. He'll do it when he's ready and if it's a week or a year, it will be his choosing and then he'll be ready to talk, but please don't get your hopes too high. The man is full of rage, hurt and hate at this point and if you show up either in person or message, you'll just crank him up again. Think about this real hard.

 

And given the emotional roller coaster you are on only continues to get worse, please, please takes Coolit's advice seriously...

 

I want to add, as at the end of my A (before it was over) I very nearly ended my life. Please, if you are even having that thought cross your mind, go to Emerg. They will help you. Don't go at this alone.

 

Very sincerely, itc

[road]

I picked up my stuff and I'm staying at a hotel. So I guess that's the amazing justice y'all wanted. I've lost everything.

 

 

I do not advocate violence though OM reaped what he sowed.

 

The first step to correcting the damage you did was to be honest.

 

First misstep was to move out just because your BH said move out. Better to sleep on the sofa then in a hotel. Being at home at least your BH knows you did not call up the OM and have him and do you again in the motel.

 

Forget about yourself and think how could you keep your BH from learning how his BF, BM, banged his WW?

 

Your BH needs to remove this "friend" from his life.

 

Without you being honest how would the removal of the low life OM from your BH's life would of been done?

 

How would you of maintained NC with the OM without you being honest?

 

When an affair is over there must be NC. There are so many things that you need to learn to recover your marriage. That makes getting the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley a must for you.

[The Way I Am]

Sorry you had to go through that, Kate. No one here wanted you to lose everything.

 

We want you to move forward. There was no way to keep this secret forever. Telling him sooner rather than having him find out some other way later gives you the best chance that he'll forgive you.

 

Now that you've given him a couple days, give him a call. Apologize again and tell him you will do whatever he needs to forgive you. Ask him to go to counseling. If he refuses any chance at reconciling, tell him that you understand and hope that he will change his mind. If he does, you'd welcome hearing from him at any time. Basically make it clear that you're leaving the door open for him to come to you. Then give him his space.

 

No matter what, get some counseling for yourself. It will help in your own healing and will give him a sign that you really do want to do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn't happen again.

[Zenstudent]

I picked up my stuff and I'm staying at a hotel. So I guess that's the amazing justice y'all wanted. I've lost everything.

It was the right thing to do - it took courage to tell him, well done. As for the bolded part - try to turn it around, I did. It was your husband that lost everything a week ago, when you made your choice. It was NOT the telling him that made you lose everything, it was the cheating. Telling him is on the path to recovery and improving yourself.

 

We have all been on one side or the other of what you just went through, we know what that hurt feels like. You had to put a proper end to the terrible mistake you made. How could you stay married to your husband with such a big lie hanging over your heads? Let things settle down for a few days and than call him, tell him how sorry you are for what happened, tell him you love him and you want the marriage. The fact that you willingly told him the truth will have a positive effect on him. Get yourself into counseling, regardless of the outcome you need to work on yourself. At some point you need to move back into your home, you have rights.

This is good advice. Let him find his own feet and then lay your self out there and let him decide whether he wants your marriage or not.

 

No one on this thread wanted this to happen to you. But this would be the outcome whether it was last Saturday, next month or if your husband found out about it after two children. Postponing the inevitable does not make the inevitable any easier to handle. There is only one person to blame for this chain of events and it is Jason for taking advantage of you in a time of emotional crisis, not anyone here on this forum.

I know from reading your posts that this is probably what you like to hear: "It was all somebody elses fault".... Well, it's not. You made a very bad choice, no one else to blame. BUT, you took the first step to correct your behaviour and learn from the bad choice. You told him and started to take some responsibility. Now continue the learning process, look WITHIN YOUR SELF to find out how you could do this, why it seemed like a good idea to cheat. After that you can take steps to improve further.

 

Sorry you had to go through that, Kate. No one here wanted you to lose everything.

 

We want you to move forward. There was no way to keep this secret forever. Telling him sooner rather than having him find out some other way later gives you the best chance that he'll forgive you.

 

Now that you've given him a couple days, give him a call. Apologize again and tell him you will do whatever he needs to forgive you. Ask him to go to counseling. If he refuses any chance at reconciling, tell him that you understand and hope that he will change his mind. If he does, you'd welcome hearing from him at any time. Basically make it clear that you're leaving the door open for him to come to you. Then give him his space.

 

No matter what, get some counseling for yourself. It will help in your own healing and will give him a sign that you really do want to do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Yes, very well written. Practical advice to follow.

[Kate.23987]

My husband also revealed that Jason had feelings for me and he has had them for a long time. He said 'I guess you just saw your chance and you took it. **** Ben, I want to **** her and I'm gonna do it.' The cops eventually came and they both got taken in. Jason obviously has decided not to press charges.

[imtooconfused]

My husband also revealed that Jason had feelings for me and he has had them for a long time.

 

That was pretty obvious. If someone comes to me with marital problems, the first thing I think of is NOT 'let's get her drunk and into my bed.' That's some serious messed up logic.

 

But what's also hugely obvious is that you have feelings for him too. As strong as those feelings are, the OM is very wrong for you. He manipulated you to get exactly what he wanted. And despite the fact that he got beat up, at this point, he is winning the battle by driving the wedge between you and your husband. On an emotional level, he sounds like a very dangerous person for you and precisely what you don't need at this point in your life. Please do not go to him for help, stop communicating with him immediately and block all chances of future contact with him. As much as you think he will help you, he is only in it for himself, which goes against everything you need right now.

[Bryanp]

Kate - Do you now realize what a snake Jason is?

[aliveagain]

Again my question, if it wasn't planned why did one of you have protection? Why did you allow yourself to drink that much? Why did you stay the whole night instead of going home after you did the deed with him? Did you have sex more than once with him that night? You need to ask yourself a lot of questions as to why you were really there. The moment you chose the path you took this outcome was set in motion regardless of when it came to light.

[janedoe67]

When your husband calms some, he will likely ask you these questions as well as many others. If you are like I was, you are likely already asking them of yourself. Answer as honestly as you can, and always keep in mind that no matter who or what else may have come into play in the bigger picture, you are responsible for your choices and your actions. This is one of those times that clarifying and qualifying, even if there is some validity to it, will only sound like excuses to your BS. And trust me, even though it seems painful and even unfair at first, there is something about looking at your OWN actions and seeing them for what they without trying to buffer them by shifting blame that is redemptive. It is also necessary.

[Kate.23987]

Again my question, if it wasn't planned why did one of you have protection? Why did you allow yourself to drink that much? Why did you stay the whole night instead of going home after you did the deed with him? Did you have sex more than once with him that night? You need to ask yourself a lot of questions as to why you were really there. The moment you chose the path you took this outcome was set in motion regardless of when it came to light.

 

We were at his house, and he had some condoms at his house. He didn't bring it with him when we initially met each other at the coffeehouse. As for why I did what I did, I don't know what to tell you I don't know why I did it. We had sex a few times and then we just crashed and I woke up the next morning.

[aliveagain]

We were at his house, and he had some condoms at his house. He didn't bring it with him when we initially met each other at the coffeehouse. As for why I did what I did, I don't know what to tell you I don't know why I did it. We had sex a few times and then we just crashed and I woke up the next morning.

 

 

You never stopped to think about what you were doing after the first time? You were there for more reasons than wanting advice. Maybe a wayward can comment on having sex multiple times in a situation like yours, my first thought would have been "What the f**k have I done."

[Kate.23987]

Quite honestly, I don't remember. Everything abut that night is very hazy.

[stillafool]

But what's also hugely obvious is that you have feelings for him too. As strong as those feelings are, the OM is very wrong for you. He manipulated you to get exactly what he wanted.

 

I disagree that he manipulated her. She sought him out. I think she knew he had feelings for her. If the husband could see it so could she.

[aw_1187]

Hi Kate,

 

I have read through your article with interest as I went through a similar situation with my soon to be ex wife. She practically did the same as what you did.

 

You might not like this, but stick with me!! Cheating is completley unforgivable but that being said I understand why my wife needed to find solace somwhere else - I was not being the husband I should have been and therefore I do actually take some of the blame.

 

You need to try and remember exatcly what happened and why it happened and write it all down (not on the site, just for yourself) as if there is any chance of saving your marriage your husband is going to want all of the details at some point and will want to sit down and have a discussion with you. Make sure that you have as much information as you do, but when you have the discussion make sure he realises why it happens. The difficulty is trying to do this without it turning into a shouting match (which I have not managed to master)!

 

Anger is a common response to this kind of situation but you also need to be honest. Do you want to make it work? if not it is not worth trying to fix it. Be honest with yourself, if you do not feel there is a future or do not want a future with your husband then do not persue it.

 

I hope it works out for you one way or another, good luck!

Edited August 27, 2013 by aw_1187
added extra

[janedoe67]

I might be able to comment a bit on how one could do it AGAIN after realizing what they have done. Note - this may not apply to Kate, and is something of which I am ashamed because I know now exactly how pathetic is sounds.

 

First, there is the temporary release/high/comfort/feeling that comes from being intimate with someone, particularly when we are vulnerable. Even in the wrongest, most selfish of contexts (like an A), when one has craved comfort, that feeling, well, feels good. So we have the emerging guilt in conflict with the still not faded feelings of release and comfort. In that state, it can be hard to choose to act in the right way rather than experience that feeling one more time.

 

Also, once it has been done, it is almost a "no going back" feeling. I have already done that one thing that can never be undone...so how much worse can I make it?

 

Like I said, these are both pathetic logic, but that was part of what I felt.

[Betterthanthis13]

One way that might help to think of the situation right now is that your marriage problems need triage, like in an ER-

 

Doctors will treat a gunshot victim first before they see a patient who is suffering just as much or even more, but from a problem or disease that isn't putting their life in immediate risk of shock and death. However, everyone needs to be treated. Imagine 2 people got in a fight and one guy stabbed the other with a knife, then the other one turned around and shot him. Even though the guy with the knife wound is bleeding too, and he was hurt first---they will treat the gunshot victim first to get him stabilized then the doctors will do everything they can to heal both patients.

 

So while your pain is not something that should be ignored or swept under the rug AT ALL- his treatment of you after the miscarriage was totally out of line and I am positive you have suffered a great deal from it- right now he is the gunshot victim. Telling him he deserved it for stabbing you with a metaphorical knife over and over wont get either of you closer to repairing your relationship right at this moment when you are in the ER. Once he is stabilized he absolutely needs to look at what he's done and why he stabbed you with a knife in the first place. You certainly didn't deserve it either

 

I'm sorry this is so hard and I wish I could help make it better- it's going to take a lot of time and patience, and I'm sure you are already at your wits end. But if you want to repair your marriage, dig deep inside of yourself for the strength you need to get it done. Some of the posters on here can give you really good, specific advice on how to navigate a reconciliation from the point of view of both BS and WS.

 

I hope each day that passes gets a little better for you.

[imtooconfused]

I have already done that one thing that can never be undone.

 

There is no going back from that point. It's so much different than arguing with or ignoring a spouse. It crosses the one and only line in a relationship that I believe should never be crossed. There can be no expectation of forgiveness once the outside relationship becomes physical because it takes a very special BS to allow forgiveness and a very special WS to deserve forgiveness.

[Coolit]

You never stopped to think about what you were doing after the first time? You were there for more reasons than wanting advice. Maybe a wayward can comment on having sex multiple times in a situation like yours, my first thought would have been "What the f**k have I done."

 

When you're really drunk mutiple times as a woman really becomes one time. There isn't the hormone low. The high of sex coupled with the alchohal making you sleepy does just cause you to drift. And we know there is the joke about beer goggles. I can honestly see her doing this while drunk without romantic feelings for the guy. But it does show she has some moral lines to work out.

The first time I was in a fmf I was blacking out. I don't remember everything and what I did remember seemed like a dream and I had to clarify it happened. Apparently is was a whole night until 5am when I was carried to bed. But in my case I had agreed before hand.(though I didn't want penetration) I do remember when he entered me the first time I sort of started awake a bit (i was feeling sick and falling asleep). I thought "Oh my God, what have I done. My husband is down stairs passed out." and then it felt so good any thought of right or wrong just floated away.

[Alban]

You deserve much more in my opinion, and don't lie anymore, you are making a clown out of yourself.

 

YOU betrayed your man with his best friend after losing a child ? You got what you deserve, he didn't, I would understand you a bit if it was after 1 year, but it was just 2-3 months after your child's death ?

And after all of this you are still lying to yourself and all the people here into thinking you didn't cheat your husband on purpose, don't take it personally but you deserve to be spitted, shame shame shame on you.

Someone who cheats without intention or anything doesn't have time for protection, even ****ing him a few times and still saying it was not intentional ?

[Chi townD]

Okay...well. What's done is done. Telling him ahead of time was the right thing to do even if it doesn't feel that way right now. But, to be honest, I have a feeling he would have figured it out in time. His friend wouldn't be coming around that often and if he was over, there would be a lot of tension in the air. Your husband would see how differently you and his friend acted around each other. He would have figured out something was up. So, you did the best thing with telling him verses him figuring it out on his own.

 

The other posters were right. Give him time. He is angry and hurt beyond belief. But sooner or later, he'll calm down. Then, he may or may not want answers. The worst thing you can do right now is trickle truth him. Meaning, holding back anything he asks you because you think it would be too painful for him to hear. If you leave anything out to spare his feelings and he finds out you lied to him (by withholding information) then that's like Saturday all over for him again. Another D-day. And it wouldn't surprise me if he talks to Jason to see if your stories match up. So, tell him the truth no matter how painful and shameful it is to tell him.

 

Now, here's the rub. You were in the driver's seat when you decided to cheat. You can tell me it was unintentional all day long but the funny thing about human beings, we have the power to say NO. So, you were in the drivers seat when you cheated. Your husband is in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage goes. That's not your call anymore. If this is an absolute deal breaker for him, then there's not much you can do to change his mind.

 

If you have any chances at saving this, you need to be completely transparent. You hide nothing! You need to pretty much give up your life and you would have absolutely NO PRIVACY! He would need to have all of your passwords, unlimited access to your phone, if your AP contacts you, you need to tell your husband right away. You need to get into marriage counseling.

 

Right now, talk is cheap. You can tell him that you love him till the cows come home and he would have absolutely no reason to believe you. So, you need to show him with your actions. In this case, actions DO speak louder than words. He needs to see you doing the heavy lifting to fix this if you get back in the house. He needs to SEE you reading books on the matter. So BUY THEM AND READ THEM!!! "Surviving the Affair" and "Not just Friends". If he won't go to marriage counseling, then YOU go to individual counseling and let him see that you're actively going. Go out of your way for your husband. If he needs something you DROP EVERYTHING YOUR DOING and help him. Fix his favorite foods. Leave little "love you" post it's for him to find. And if he asks you to stop, YOU STOP!

 

If you get back into the house, another thing COULD happen. He may want to have sex and a LOT of it. You give it to him with no questions asked. This may or may not happen. This isn't a gesture of forgiveness, this is called hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious, primal and animalistic response from him to "reclaim" what he believes is his. So; again, don't read too much into it if it happens and remember, by no means is that a way for him to express his forgiveness. It's just is what it is.

 

Another thing that IS going to happen is that he's going to go on a ride. It's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It's an actual thing. One minute he'll be laughing, the next he'll be crying. One minute he'll be content, the next he'll be angry as hell! One minute, he'll tell you that he can't see a life without you. The next he'll tell you that he can't stand to look at you and you make him sick. Lot's of up's and downs....he's going to ride this ride. Question is, are you strong enough to ride it with him to the end?

 

Even after you attempt to do all of this stuff, there's NO guarantee he's going to want to stay in the marriage. This is your only shot.

[aliveagain]

Write out a timeline for him, give him all the details, hold nothing back regardless of how bad it makes you look. The hardest part for him to accept after the betrayal will be the number of times you had sex with him. specially if you did something for O/M that you have never done for your husband(anal, swallowing) Excuse my openness but it's important you understand what he will be thinking. He will question why you didn't leave when he first stepped over the line, he will be thinking you wanted it as much as he did. He will want to know why you didn't run when you saw him pulling a rubber on? Why you stayed, what you did(cuddling) while he recovered for round two and round three. He will not believe you used protection each times, most wayward's lie about using protection, are you lying about using protection each time? I know this first hand as my ex had an affair child by O/M(I raised him for the first year of his life thinking he was my son).

 

How will you convince him you will never cheat again if he agrees to give you a second chance? Would you sign a postnuptial agreement giving him most of your assets if you cheat again? Make everything about him, you have broken him where it hurts the most, his absolute trust in you, his integrity. Some of us can never get past that but you must of thought about that when you chose to be unfaithful. Book yourself into counseling, get help.

[tru]

from my experience infidelity causes guilt affecting the emotional relationship. Also I doubt that you and Jason had a one night stand actually I think that this was an affair which explains your husbands violence. He knew that it was more than just sex. Chances are that your lover was threatening to tell him. In the end the cheater is caught because the odds of getting caught go up every time you have sex. Truth is that you were in love with your lover and for some reason it didn't pan out. Honestly did you expect it to get better while suffering with guilt? Did you think Jason wouldn't find out? Best advice is zero contact with Jason it'll only make you look desperate resulting in him ignoring you. Don't expect him to return!

Edited August 27, 2013 by tru

[Chi townD]

Another reason why you have to tell him everything if he asks is because some Betrayed Spouses can suffer from something called Mind Movies.

 

Now, some need to know EVERYTHING that happened and some don't. If he's not asking, then don't tell him. If he asks you need to spill all of the beans.

 

Mind movies suck. Mind movies are the product of a person not having the full story and your brain becomes your worst enemy and causes all sorts of havoc. When some folks don't have the full story, their minds create a "story" of what probably happened to fill in the missing data. To fill in the missing places of the story. And some of the "stories" that your mind can create is sick enough to make a billygoat puke.

 

SO, make sure you tell him everything so he has a complete story.

[The Way I Am]

Kate, hope things are going a least a little better for you today.

 

I noticed a couple of post recently are pretty nasty, small-minded and/or paranoid. On almost every thread there are always a few posters who have to chime in with the most obvious, moronic statements possible. Don't let the random nonconstructive negativity distract you from the great advice and support available here.

 

Did you talk to your husband about marriage counseling or reconciling at all?