I cheated on my husband

[Coolit]

Let's say that Kate really had no idea Jason had feelings. Girl's don't always know. If his behaviour was perfectly acceptable he may have given no hint.

 

But at one point he did let BH know. I don't know about you guys but I think BH should have distanced himself from Jason. This is in no way saying Kate isn't still 100% for her actions but I do think it is a good example of seeking "friends of the marriage".

 

My sis in law had no idea this guy had a crush on her. She was friendly and polite and he didn't give any signs. Then he got a little more obvious and my bro noticed. He told his W and she became much more reserved in her behaviour because even though she was just being polite she didn't want this guy to get te wrong idea.

 

He noticed and then became obvious in a way she noticed and she had to tell him verbaly he was out of line and so did my brother.

 

To me that is a better way to deal with a "crush". It put my Sis in laws radars up.

[Chi townD]

Honestly, I can't feel sympathy for you. Not only did you cheat, but you let someone he knows, a supposed friend even, get what they wanted from you. Basically, you let his "friend" get to taste what he wasn't supposed to get.

 

I feel really, really bad for your poor husband. He deserves someone a lot better as a wife, and a much better friend.

 

You can't take back what you did. You've forever altered your marriage for the worse, and it will never be the honest, faithful, trusting relationship that it was.

 

And now you have to lie to him for the rest of his life to keep him trapped in the relationship.

 

Not sure I quite understand your last sentence. How she's going to have to continue to lie to him? Don't see where she lied in the first place.

 

See; normally, I would be the first to bash into a WW or WH. But, if I sense that they are truly remorseful for their actions and they own up to their sh*t. Then, I'm more inclined to help where I can.

 

She took action and confessed to her husband as soon as it happened. I find that commendable. She's been taking advice here to heart to try and make things better.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not defending her actions at all. She was in the wrong and I've informed her several times of this. I'm just trying to help fix the situation.

[drifter777]

Dude, you must be in a lot of pain. You should consider getting professional help because being an a$$ on Internet forums won't make it go away.

Hey, thanks for the advise! I'm sure you are right - coddling cheaters seems to work so well. I suppose I should forget about all of my life experience with cheaters and blindly support reconciliation even when I believe it to be a far worse path than divorce. In this case I firmly believe that the best course of action for this couple is just that - divorce. The years of hard work and emotional pain it takes for R is not worth it when there are no children involved. My opinion is just as valid as anyone's.

[Zenstudent]

Hey, thanks for the advise! I'm sure you are right - coddling cheaters seems to work so well. I suppose I should forget about all of my life experience with cheaters and blindly support reconciliation even when I believe it to be a far worse path than divorce. In this case I firmly believe that the best course of action for this couple is just that - divorce. The years of hard work and emotional pain it takes for R is not worth it when there are no children involved. My opinion is just as valid as anyone's.

Your opinion is just as valid as anyones. My opinion is that it's possible to state ones opinion without being rude.

[crederer]

I had something similar happen to me. My ex lost her pregnancy and was quite upset. I was too, tried my best to be there the way I knew how, by being the strong one since she was so emotional I felt the need for one of us to put on the strong front.

 

I opened up about my emotional side once in a while but tried best to be the "rock".

 

Anyways, I tried to hard to support her, but she ended up cheating on me afterwards and when I flipped out she turned it all around on me saying I wasn't there for her when I needed to be, blah blah blah. It was all a bunch of blameshifting, her trying to feel better about herself for being such a twat.

 

I understand it was a tough time for you, but you knew damn well that was a bad idea but did it anyways. That's all on you.

 

BTW, I left her over this and she continues to try and get back with me still to this day, 3 years later. Think about that next time you betray someone you love because you're feeling emotional.

[Trimmer]

The glaring misstep is not how did the om find the hotel...WHY DID SHE LET HIM IN???

I very strongly agree. This was a big mistake. Tell him through the door you can't see him, then call hotel security or the cops if he doesn't leave immediately. He didn't just betray your husband: he betrayed your marriage. He is not your "friend" either, and he has now proved this by pursuing you even after the devastation was done.

 

I know when I stay at a hotel, I don't expect company, and if there was a knock at the door, I would LOOK THROUGH THE PEEP HOLE. Once she saw who it was, all she had to do was call the front desk...problem solved.

 

However, she didn't. And the hug at the end.....wtf was that???

 

Hugging the man who betrayed her and her husband...give me a freaking break.

Also strongly agree. To the OP: if you're really serious about even setting the stage for reconciling, which story would you rather be able to relate honestly to your husband eventually, the one where OM arrived and you summarily sent him away without opening the door, or the version where you let him in, spent time together, and hugged him when he left?

 

People who are not violent usually do not suddenly jump to beating someone to a pulp. I have to wonder if this temper of Kate's husband/Huge might spill in her direction.....

Yeah, as I read through the thread, I was wondering about that right as soon as the story developed into him beating the OM.

 

Kate, has there been any element or hint of violent tendencies in your relationship previously?

 

(To be clear, I'm not shifting any blame here. As a matter of fact, in the same way that nothing but her own choices "caused" Kate to betray her husband, nothing but his own choices "caused" him to commit assault on the OM. He now owns that just as much as Kate owns her infidelity. Can't have it both ways...)

 

Hey, thanks for the advise! I'm sure you are right - coddling cheaters seems to work so well. I suppose I should forget about all of my life experience with cheaters and blindly support reconciliation even when I believe it to be a far worse path than divorce. In this case I firmly believe that the best course of action for this couple is just that - divorce. The years of hard work and emotional pain it takes for R is not worth it when there are no children involved. My opinion is just as valid as anyone's.

That last part is absolutely a valid opinion, and one that I tend to agree with, based in part on my own life experience. (If you had stated it this way initially, instead of cloaking it in the sarcasm of your previous post and the beginning of this one, it might have gotten your point across sooner and more effectively and efficiently.)

 

I think there is so much damage here, in so many layers.... I may be old and pessimistic, but holding their marriage together after the miscarriage sounded like it was going to be a challenge anyway. Then add the betrayal - for which there will always be the unstated subtext that it was partially his fault - and the violence, for which there will always be the unstated subtext that it was partially her fault. I don't subscribe to either of these views, but it's already, unavoidably built into the damage that has been done.

 

In light of the fact that the husband is now processing the loss of an unborn child, his wife, and his former best friend, it would be easy for him to slip downward and feel like he's got nothing meaningful left in his life. If he has revealed this tendency for violence (or for that matter, even if he hadn't...) it might be wise to consider the possibility that he might turn it on himself.

Edited September 3, 2013 by Trimmer

[manticore]

I have laid low on this site recently as I have been at work. Life goes on, regardless of what I have going on personally. I have moved back into our house, into the spare room at least and made an appointment with a counsellor. I did text my husband about what happened and he read it but didn't reply. We haven't really seen much of each other, he has been avoiding me. He says he doesn't want to talk until we see the counsellor and we've pretty much kept our separate ways.

 

I missed a lot of what went on here, I don't really have time to read it all so I'm just trying to keep y'all updated.

 

hi katte you probaly feel that you were advised incoorectly by telling you husband but in your specific case it was the better option.

 

is true that in ONS most people adivices not the let know the spouse if they love them and are in a happy marriage and was just on time mistake, but this is applies when is someone you or your wife dont have a close relationship and see all the time.

 

in the Best Friend and sopouse/BF/GF case is always best to come clean inmmediatly because they are almost allways fond out, could take years but as the spouse spend time with both parts constantly and things leak out eventually, like the bf getting drunk a confesing in tears, or the spouse reading something in the BF phone, or simply the best friend share it with othe common friends and is out, and when the best friend comes clean befores the sopouse the second want is almost never forgiven, so you played your best odss as in balck jack, the odds are still negative but played with the best % in your favor.

[Chi townD]

Blah... I think this thread is done. Kate isn't coming back.

 

(everytime I write the above statement, they've come back in the last few threads I've done this in. So, lets see.)

[The Way I Am]

Ben needs to be removed from their lives.

 

Just to avoid any potential future confusion, Ben is her husband.

 

 

Blah... I think this thread is done. Kate isn't coming back.

Kate has not really posted much unless directly asked how she's doing. Nobody's really asked about her recently.

 

I am curious though, Kate. How are you doing? Are you still living at home? Did you and your husband start therapy?

[Kate.23987]

Just to avoid any potential future confusion, Ben is her husband.

 

 

 

Kate has not really posted much unless directly asked how she's doing. Nobody's really asked about her recently.

 

I am curious though, Kate. How are you doing? Are you still living at home? Did you and your husband start therapy?

 

I have been feeling low the past few days, the whole situation has been bringing me down. I have involved myself more at work which has helped a little. My husband has been busy at work also, and I have made meals for him and left them there and he thanked me, although I could tell it really hurt to talk to me. We have an appointment today with a marriage counsellor.

[DarrenK]

Kate does not deserve any sympathy at ALL!!!!

[janedoe67]

Kate does not deserve any sympathy at ALL!!!!

 

Other than the fact that none of us deserve sympathy for our bad choices, is there anything constructive to add?

[imtooconfused]

I do have a lot of empathy for the OP because I understand what she is going through. As far as sympathy...

 

I don't see where the OP has any sympathy (let alone empathy) for her husband, which makes it extremely difficult to for me to feel anything more about this thread. So, empathy/sympathy (for the husband) would be a good starting point for her in the MC, IMHO.

[Zenstudent]

I do have a lot of empathy for the OP because I understand what she is going through. As far as sympathy...

 

I don't see where the OP has any sympathy (let alone empathy) for her husband, which makes it extremely difficult to for me to feel anything more about this thread. So, empathy/sympathy (for the husband) would be a good starting point for her in the MC, IMHO.

Important difference between sympathy and empathy. I can empathize with OP, she really needs help to own her bad choice and empathize with her husband. I don't need to feel sympathy for lost/damaged people in order to help point them in a more useful direction. But that's just me.

 

Kate, it's positive that you're seeing a therapist. Don't accept it if he/she starts with "There's always a shared responsibility for infidelity...." -> change MC.

[Chi townD]

I have been feeling low the past few days, the whole situation has been bringing me down. I have involved myself more at work which has helped a little. My husband has been busy at work also, and I have made meals for him and left them there and he thanked me, although I could tell it really hurt to talk to me. We have an appointment today with a marriage counsellor.

 

Well, that would be your remorse kicking in. You're mourning the loss of your marriage. Mourning the fact that everything is NEVER going to be the same again. And it isn't. The marriage you once had is gone forever.

 

Think of it this way. Your marriage is a house that you and your husband started building together on the day that you met. On your first date, you both poured the foundation of this house and you both started building it brick by brick and board by board. It started to look like a damn good house. Then, you took a wrecking ball to it and the both of you are standing on the edge; looking at the wreckage. A lot of couples would look at the wreckage and walk away saying that too much damage was done. BUT!!! There are some that will look pass the wreckage and decide that the foundation was still good. Then, they start to rebuild brick by brick and board by board. Now, the new house is NEVER going to be like the one that was last on that spot. But, a lot of times, it can even be better than the one that was there. Question is, is your foundation still good?

 

If it pains him to talk to you, remember what I said about him being a pressure cooker. Sooner or later, he may explode. Be ready for it.

 

At the counselor's appointment, don't expect a lot of participation from him. This is new and he doesn't trust anyone in the room (including you). If you have a good counselor, he/she won't try to force it on the first appointment. So, take it day by day. If the counselor assigns homework DO IT!!!! He/she may have you do individual projects at first and share your assignments only in session. Then, when things calm down and become more comfortable, you may have homework to do with your husband. Get him to do them with you as gently as possible.

[ShelleyOh9]

I don't about this but maybe filing for divorce would be better. They don't have a child and married young, why the need to carry this pain for endless years?

 

Too many people don't even value their marriage anymore that it makes me lose hope. I can also understand why many men nowadays refuse to propose and instead just want to live with their gf and in return end up wasting her time. Too much to lose, but not just on their side also on our side. It would suck if I ever get married to a cheater and have to deal with trust issues for a long time.

Edited September 5, 2013 by ShelleyOh9

[The Way I Am]

Thanks for letting us know how it's going, Kate. I know it sucks, but it's at least going as well as could be expected in the circumstances.

 

Glad you're going to a counsellor. You may find out that one or both of you doesn't think it's worth the effort to stay in the marriage. You may find ways to communicate that lead to an even better marriage than before. Or you may end up anywhere in between. But having an experienced 3rd party to help you figure it all out is best for both of you.

 

Don't be discouraged if it doesn't go exactly as well as you hoped. Don't get mad or frustrated with your husband if he doesn't want to open up completely yet. And remember to keep his feelings a priority. Don't focus on what he did leading up to your cheating, and don't let the counselor lead you in that direction -- even if your husband won't talk about his feelings. If he won't talk, talk about what you hope to get out of counseling and what steps you are willing to take to fix the relationship. You can get to your feelings about his actions before the cheating later, but if you focus on that from the start. What he did was not cool, but what you did was worse, so if you end up focusing on his sins instead of your greater ones, your husband is likely to feel that counseling is a waste of time and give up on the relationship.

 

Hope you have a productive session.

[Chi townD]

AND DON'T KEEP US IN THE DARK!!! Let us know what happened!

[Kate.23987]

The session was mainly housekeeping, we really didn't get into anything. Our general health etc and the reason why we came to counselling. I did most of the talking and my husband spoke when necessary, he was very stand-offish and distant. Nothing much else to say there.

 

He thanked me for some cake that I made today, he said he liked it a lot. We have hardly talked at all but it felt like progress.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

The session was mainly housekeeping, we really didn't get into anything. Our general health etc and the reason why we came to counselling. I did most of the talking and my husband spoke when necessary, he was very stand-offish and distant. Nothing much else to say there.

 

He thanked me for some cake that I made today, he said he liked it a lot. We have hardly talked at all but it felt like progress.

 

Kate,

 

Everyone has been giving you a pretty hard time, me included. S I would like to give you some constructive suggestions.

 

Cooking, cleaning, etc. all fine. But will not resolve your issues.

 

You need to take strong proactive action to help your husband.

 

1. Write a detailed timeline of your contact(s) with Jason. This will be for your husband IF he wants it.

 

2. Write a no contact letter to Jason telling him you live your husband and everything you and he did was a mistake and to never contact either one of you again. This should be shared with your husband before sending. Do not wait to ask if he wants you to send it.

 

3. Block Jason's phone, email etc so he cannot contact either of you.

 

4. Give your passwords, keep your phone unlocked etc. make sure your husband knows where you are at all times.

 

5.Find words to apologize. And say it frequently.

 

6. Gt tested for STDs. Proactively. So you can share with your husband.

 

Recovery depends on remorse, willingness to try and hard work.

 

Good luck.

 

IIWII

[harrybrown]

Your husband is hurting. This will hurt him for a long time. Tell him everything and be open and honest with him. Each time he finds out something new, he will start hurting all over again, like it just happened. Help him heal. Did you tell him you thought of him during the time with Jason?

[Lauren.B]

Wow. So many issues that need to be addressed. First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. No parent should have to lose a child. Second, I'm also sorry that your husband treated you the way he did, and that it made you feel like the only option was to seek comfort in another man. HOWEVER, both these reasons DO NOT excuse what you did. I was worried when I read your posts at the beginning that you weren't taking responsibility and that you were going to keep it a secret and let it eat away at you and your marriage. Well done for being honest with your husband. I think the situation with Jason could have been helped. I believe that you did know, even subconsciously, of his feelings and you tried to ignore them. I still l don't quite know if you have feelings for him but all of that is kind of moot now anyway.

 

It's good that you are pushing counselling, even if your husband doesn't seem like he is engaging. Every marathon starts with a first step. He has to learn to trust you again, that won't happen overnight, it may take years. Take the advice the other users are suggesting. Get those books, tell him often and sincerely that you love him, take a pregnancy test (this also raises issues about paternity given that you had sex with your husband recently), get tested for STDs. Get help for your issues with alcohol (and drugs if applicable), not everyone who gets drunk cheats. I suggest that your husband seeks help for anger management.

 

Also, write that letter to Jason, make sure he knows there is no chance of a relationship etc. with you. Stop all contact with him. Be honest with your husband, if there were any other private meetings between you and Jason. Tell him everything about that night, tell him everything he wants to know. It's better to be honest than to hurt him when the truth comes out. Answer any questions he has honestly, NO SUGAR COATING.

 

Keep us updated here, I'm interested to see how this works out. You were very lucky, your husband must love you very much if he can forgive you after this kind of betrayal. Stay strong, keep at it. I wish you the best of luck.

Edited September 9, 2013 by Lauren.B

[Chi townD]

I agree, you need to start being more proactive. I agree that you should give up all passwords to email, facebook.....everything. If he's not talking, then YOU need to do the heavy lifting and get him talking, even if it's just idle chit chat.

 

Also, anytime you leave the house, inform him where you're going and how long you're going to be.

 

While out, call him again, " I finished the shopping and I'm on my way back. Do you need anything else while I'm out?" He should have full accountability to your whereabouts.

 

Again, buy those books and read them!

[betterstrongerme]

I can't stand these cheaters making excuses to justify why they did it and somehow find a way to blame it to their husbands. Cheating no matter what is the reason or excuses is a life wrecking and devastating to someone's ego and heart. Yes your husband can forgive you but he will never forget what you did and this will leave a devastating impact to his life as well as yours. You will be in for a miserable life dealing your husband wrath never to trust you again for the rest of his life.

 

The best thing to do in this situation for the victim is to dump the cheater right away and start a new life with someone else. While the cheater if she already learned her lesson is never try to win back the person he cheated but start a new life as well and never cheat to someone else again.

Edited September 9, 2013 by betterstrongerme

[The Way I Am]

Glad things are at least looking up. Your husband didn't leave the therapist's office and declare it all a waste of time. You still have a long way to go, but it's a step in the right direction.

 

I second the suggestions about what steps you can take to keep things on track.

 

I'm iffy on the idea to write the letter to Jason without asking your husband. If you husband asks you to, by all means do that immediately. But if you write one without him asking for that or you asking him if he thinks it's a good idea, I'm worried he could see it as an attempt to reach out to Jason instead of an attempt to distance from him. I don't think you should give the impression that you have any interest in doing anything as far as Jason is concerned without talking to your husband about it first. I suggest you tell your husband that while you were reading about how to heal your marriage, you saw the suggestion to send a letter to OM saying you'll have no contact with him. Tell him you want to do that and ask if he wants you to. (If he's iffy or says he doesn't care, take that as a yes.) Then write the letter from both of you. Let him read it before you send. (If he's willing, include your husband in the letter-writing process. Highly probable that he won't be though.)

 

Definitely get and start reading books on recovering from infidelity.