I cheated on my husband

[atreides]

By that logic, if I break up with my boyfriend right now, go screw some other guy then get back together with my bf after a couple days, he'd have no reason to feel hurt. Is that really what you think? Because that sounds like a free pass to screw whoever you want if you just say you're broken up first.

 

there is a huge difference. When you break up, you have ended your word, your bond, your contract, your mutual agreement you had made.

 

Your freepass argument is non sequitur, because that is based on the other person taking them back not the person who broke up to have sex in your scenario. You would have to reverse it to be logical in that, it is planned to break-up to have sex with another only to go back which is still a huge risk of even getting taken back.

 

I understand there are residual emotions at play, but it's not a cheat a violation of trust of word, bond and understanding. How many times have i read on here that, if only the person would have communicated their dissatisfaction with their spouse BF/GF and should have ended it before straying.

[atreides]

If he chose to get back together with you then yes. But if it actually hurt her why did she let it go? I get the sense it hurts her now out of convenience.

 

Agreed, it is a cover. She does not get a pass in my book. He did nothing wrong.

 

coolit framed it as

 

The same day he breaks up he bangs another woman shows that he chose sex to deal with a difficult situation and as a way to cope. Sound familiar? Poor choice and hurtful.

 

However, it's not familiar. During a break-up, one end is always going to be hurt unless it's a mutual breakup. The residual emotions are always going to be there from the hurt person on the other end of a breakup. How he copes is irrelevant under the context that it does not violate a trust, an understanding, a bond and etc... vs an intent to cope and intentionally violate that bond, that trust. It cannot be the same thing.

 

You are simply comparing a hurt feeling to a hurt feeling, but there are hurt feelings for many things outside the context of infidelity.

[The Way I Am]

If he chose to get back together with you then yes. But if it actually hurt her why did she let it go? I get the sense it hurts her now out of convenience.

 

So you are only hurt by something if you choose not to forgive the person who hurt you? I think you're going to have a hard time getting most people to buy into this. Forgiveness doesn't negate the fact that you were ever hurt. If Kate's husband forgives her and stays married, that doesn't mean he was never hurt or never had reason to be.

 

I don't doubt that Kate was hurt by her then-exbf immediately sleeping with another woman, because that's something that hurts. But as I said, I don't think it benefits her to bring that up. If she wants forgiveness, she should demonstrate that she also truly is willing to forgive by keeping that in the past. And as Coolit said, the only thing she should keep in mind is how hurt she felt in order to have empathy for how her husband now feels.

[The Way I Am]

Your freepass argument is non sequitur, because that is based on the other person taking them back not the person who broke up to have sex in your scenario. You would have to reverse it to be logical in that, it is planned to break-up to have sex with another only to go back which is still a huge risk of even getting taken back.

 

I'm trying to figure out what you're saying here, but it's a bunch of words strung together which don't form complete thoughts.

 

The only thing I gather here that you might be saying is that breaking up with someone in order to have sex with another person is risky because you might not be taken back. But if you want to screw someone else, it's less risky than just cheating, because you can pull out all the above "we were broken up", "I didn't break a bond" arguments and if we all live by your standards, apparently the other person has no reason to be hurt that you slept with someone else. All they have to forgive is the break-up itself.

[Sparty97]

So you are only hurt by something if you choose not to forgive the person who hurt you? I think you're going to have a hard time getting most people to buy into this. Forgiveness doesn't negate the fact that you were ever hurt. If Kate's husband forgives her and stays married, that doesn't mean he was never hurt or never had reason to be.

 

I don't doubt that Kate was hurt by her then-exbf immediately sleeping with another woman, because that's something that hurts. But as I said, I don't think it benefits her to bring that up. If she wants forgiveness, she should demonstrate that she also truly is willing to forgive by keeping that in the past. And as Coolit said, the only thing she should keep in mind is how hurt she felt in order to have empathy for how her husband now feels.

 

HE didn't hurt her...she was hurt by something that happened while they were broken up.

[atreides]

I'm trying to figure out what you're saying here, but it's a bunch of words strung together which don't form complete thoughts.

 

The only thing I gather here that you might be saying is that breaking up with someone in order to have sex with another person is risky because you might not be taken back. But if you want to screw someone else, it's less risky than just cheating, because you can pull out all the above "we were broken up", "I didn't break a bond" arguments and if we all live by your standards, apparently the other person has no reason to be hurt that you slept with someone else. All they have to forgive is the break-up itself.

 

No, the above has bias which assumes the use of "breakup" to equate a "cheat" and escape on a technicality.

 

What i wrote is a complete thought that I will reword to say it is not logical to use your free pass scenario, because 1. It was not a free pass and 2. It assumed all is aligned and the former relationship will resume, which squarely lies on the opposite person.

 

It does not however dismiss that she has hurt feelings but it is as i responded to coolit

[Coolit]

Things can have similar aspects without being the same. I was merely describing how he coped poorly and she felt a pain that some have said wasn't even justified.

 

I also said he did not cheat nor was it anywhere near as terrible. And she should only think of it to have a small grasp on the scope of how much pain he is going thru.

 

It is i think quite natural for her to want to bring it up. It sucks havin to be a terrible person who did a terrible thing. Sometimes it feels like ore than you can handle and so you search for ways to lessons the pain. But, kate needs to rise above that. She forgave him back then.

[atreides]

But, kate needs to rise above that.

 

 

well stated

[The Way I Am]

No, the above has bias which assumes the use of "breakup" to equate a "cheat" and escape on a technicality.

 

What i wrote is a complete thought that I will reword to say it is not logical to use your free pass scenario, because 1. It was not a free pass and 2. It assumed all is aligned and the former relationship will resume, which squarely lies on the opposite person.

 

 

I really can't figure out what that heck you're trying to argue. Either you've misunderstood what I meant when I said someone can break up with their partner then turn around and ask to be taken back to essentially get a free pass or you're just obtuse, because none of what you said makes any sense.

 

 

It does not however dismiss that she has hurt feelings but it is as i responded to coolit

 

Yeah, "He didn't hurt her. She was hurt." Pretty flimsy distinction. That's like "I didn't hurt that person. They were hurt by not having the money I stole from them." If your actions directly cause someone to be hurt, you've hurt them.

 

Anyway, I think the discussion of this is probably going past the point of being helpful to Kate. You don't seem to disagree with the advice I gave not to bring it up, but just took my statement that her feelings are valid to try to make Kate feel like crap for having a human emotions and reactions. Whether the acts are equal or comparable on whatever scope can be debated until we're all dead, but if your advice is on how to proceed isn't any different, I don't see the need to keep going back and forth about it.

[atreides]

I really can't figure out what that heck you're trying to argue. Either you've misunderstood what I meant when I said someone can break up with their partner then turn around and ask to be taken back to essentially get a free pass or you're just obtuse, because none of what you said makes any sense.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, "He didn't hurt her. She was hurt." Pretty flimsy distinction. That's like "I didn't hurt that person. They were hurt by not having the money I stole from them." If your actions directly cause someone to be hurt, you've hurt them.

 

Anyway, I think the discussion of this is probably going past the point of being helpful to Kate. You don't seem to disagree with the advice I gave not to bring it up, but just took my statement that her feelings are valid to try to make Kate feel like crap for having a human emotions and reactions. Whether the acts are equal or comparable on whatever scope can be debated until we're all dead, but if your advice is on how to proceed isn't any different, I don't see the need to keep going back and forth about it.

 

That's cool we agree on a lot and Kate is the one who has to get through this with her H

[piggyoink]

By that logic, if I break up with my boyfriend right now, go screw some other guy then get back together with my bf after a couple days, he'd have no reason to feel hurt. Is that really what you think? Because that sounds like a free pass to screw whoever you want if you just say you're broken up first.

 

I hereby and solemnly declare +1

[Zenstudent]

If that one night stand was just that, I wouldn't tell him. If you know you have absolutely ZERO feelings for that guy, and if you know that GUY would NEVER ever talk about it with anyone, I would save your husband the TORTURE of telling him. It's not an affair. It was a ONE NIGHT STAND. By the sounds of your husbands response to a miscarriage, which to me seem EXTREME to say the least, Id say your problems are in the marriage, not in the one night you did what you did. You two have some serious stuff to work out. UNTIL you do THAT, and see some real progress, especially in BOTH your ability to deal emotionally with CRISES, I wouldnt add this to the mix.

 

Your marriage is in TROUBLE because of the way the two of you handle internal conflicts and crisis. ONLY when you have worked on that, would I discuss with a MC, in private, about whether, or how to disclose your LAPSE IN JUDGEMENT.

 

If you are absolutely CERTAIN that there is NO WAY he is EVER going to find out about what the two of you did that ONE TIME for that ONE NIGHT, I would recommend you not send him to HELL by telling him about it. And believe me, it will be HELL and he will have to live with that the rest of his life.

 

You already get to spend your life in a living hell for what you did, why should he?

If you didn't bother to read the whole thread, I suggest you do - she already told him (post #146).

 

And no, their marriage isn't in crisis because she told him, the recent crisis is because she cheated on him.

[Zenstudent]

No, the point I made about not reading through the entire thread is merely that you miss important points,when you do that. Posters take time and effort to provide opinions and insight, and skipping them all and jump to some conclusion in the end come across as being arrogant - to me at least.

 

Enough said. You put a different perspective to this thread, which is always good IMO, so here's an unofficial "welcome to the club" from me.

 

Why is it, that you state that the COUPLE has issues, and that the HUSBAND is no saint - I get the impression, that you try to alleviate her guilt, which isn't going to happen untill she has worked her way through this mess and learned from it?

 

And where did you get the idea, that they can postpone dealing with the infidelity untill all other issues are resolved?? What's your experience with infidelity?

[Kate.23987]

We have been to a few sessions and they have been very helpful. We talked a lot about everything, the miscarriage, Jason, other issues that we have been having not only just in the sessions but at home too. It has been very constructive, and in turn with that very difficult and emotional also. I feel like we are making progress, little by little.

[petee]

Seaviews, that was a kind and well described response.

[Chi townD]

We have been to a few sessions and they have been very helpful. We talked a lot about everything, the miscarriage, Jason, other issues that we have been having not only just in the sessions but at home too. It has been very constructive, and in turn with that very difficult and emotional also. I feel like we are making progress, little by little.

 

 

Very good to hear! But, don't fall back on making your husband not feel special and loved. Just because things are going good between the two of you doesn't mean that things are fixed. It's far from it.

 

Sounds like you guys are building a new house!

 

If you're up for it (and him) plan a surprise get away weekend for him and you if you can swing it. Get tickets to his favorite football team and get a hotel. Stay the night, enjoy the game, tailgate have fun! Sounds like the two of you desperately need to decompress. And that's what you tell him if he asks why you're doing this.

[The Way I Am]

And I believe my point was not specific to the poster, I believe her story is a familiar one, and I think that its not always a simple matter of "come clean now". As we have seen, there are serious consequences at play here. Had her husband and her attended some MC sessions previous to disclosure, he might better deal with the disclosure, and I dont just mean that he wouldnt have pumelled his ex best friend practically to death.

 

Or he might have felt even more betrayed and angry that she had "tricked" him into MC under false pretences. He he could have still beat the friend, and walked away from the marriage because he can't trust someone who would let him make a fool of himself thinking that he's working on the important marital issues while keeping such a huge betrayal secret.

 

Or he could have continued to dismiss the idea of MC. While she was waiting to get to MC before confessing, he could have found out about the ONS from his friend, still beaten the guy senseless and walked away from the marriage, because he couldn't trust a wife who hadn't come clean herself.

 

I said that if they only work on the AFFAIR, then the marriage is doomed. I said that because they must work on BOTH. If they don't another Jason can easily enter into the picture. I think that's pretty obvious.

 

Perhaps you've misread. I don't think anyone suggested they ONLY address the affair in MC. Just that it should be addressed first before moving on to the other issues.

 

We have been to a few sessions and they have been very helpful. We talked a lot about everything, the miscarriage, Jason, other issues that we have been having not only just in the sessions but at home too. It has been very constructive, and in turn with that very difficult and emotional also. I feel like we are making progress, little by little.

 

Good news. Thanks for the update, Kate. Hope you two can keep working things out.

Edited September 26, 2013 by The Way I Am

[writergal]

Maybe you're right. I just find it a bit unfair that ALL of the blame for this is being placed on my shoulders. I'm not tying to act like a child by pointing the finger upon everyone else, but I do think some responsibility has to be placed elsewhere. It takes two people to have sex right? And there are only so many times a person can be beaten (metaphorically speaking) at a time when they are already vulnerable before they act out. I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR MYSELF. But other factors do have to be taken into consideration. I wouldn't just cheat on my husband because I wanted to hurt him, why would I hurt him, I love him. It wasn't intentional and I think that's a HUGE point that y'all are missing.

 

If you want to be treated like an adult here then take responsibility for your actions. No one is missing any point. Just you are. That you cheated on your husband and that you're not willing to come clean about it which means you don't respect your husband or your marriage and you're more interested in protecting yourself, which is immature and selfish.

 

Your whole "it takes two" defense is something a 16 year old would say to their parent.

 

YOU chose to drink a lot of alcohol at Jason's house. YOU chose to have sex with Jason. No one - including horny bad friend to your husband Jason - forced you to make those (very) bad choices.

 

And yes, you are trying to make excuses for yourself. Metaphorically beaten? Oh...my...god!! Call Stanley Kubrick! We have a sequel to his hit film "Eyes Wide Shut," It's called "Eyes Wide Open." Now you're just trying to deflect any blame away from yourself. Really, OP. I get that you had a miscarriage nearly 4 months ago but there are much more mature ways to deal with that grief and how it impacted your marriage: marriage counseling is something you both should have sought immediately after to help you both process your emotions and receive emotional coping tools that keep your communication with each other open and honest.

 

But my guess is you opted to pretend the miscarriage didn't exist, which is why your husband shut down on you emotionally. Going to his friend to talk about your anger at your husband was a huge mistake (before the drunk sex act occurred) because you went behind your husband's back, instead of trying to reason with him to go get counseling together to sort out the aftermath of your physical trauma.

 

And yes you did cheat on your husband BECAUSE you wanted to hurt him. You complained several times about his behavior towards you so I'm guessing that you did the whole drunk sex thing as a means of revenge. It's been done before. You're not the first. You may not have feelings for Jason or vice versa, but what kind of man is he to take advantage of his friend's wife? Not a stand-up guy.

 

You have choices to make now. Do you want to save your marriage? Or just save your ego? Do you care about your husband? Are you afraid to be an adult in this situation which means admitting to your husband that you you made a mistake?

 

I suggest that you seriously consider marriage counseling with your husband. Suggest it as a coping tool for the grief you're both suffering since the miscarriage. Then in a therapy session, admit to your betrayal and confess your one-night-stand with Jason. With a therapist in the same room, she/he can mediate and help you both deal with that issue. And frankly, you should not contact Jason again.

Edited September 26, 2013 by writergal

[Coolit]

If you want to be treated like an adult here then take responsibility for your actions. No one is missing any point. Just you are. That you cheated on your husband and that you're not willing to come clean about it which means you don't respect your husband or your marriage and you're more interested in protecting yourself, which is immature and selfish.

 

Your whole "it takes two" defense is something a 16 year old would say to their parent.

 

YOU chose to drink a lot of alcohol at Jason's house. YOU chose to have sex with Jason. No one - including horny bad friend to your husband Jason - forced you to make those (very) bad choices.

 

And yes, you are trying to make excuses for yourself. Metaphorically beaten? Oh...my...god!! Call Stanley Kubrick! We have a sequel to his hit film "Eyes Wide Shut," It's called "Eyes Wide Open." Now you're just trying to deflect any blame away from yourself. Really, OP. I get that you had a miscarriage nearly 4 months ago but there are much more mature ways to deal with that grief and how it impacted your marriage: marriage counseling is something you both should have sought immediately after to help you both process your emotions and receive emotional coping tools that keep your communication with each other open and honest.

 

But my guess is you opted to pretend the miscarriage didn't exist, which is why your husband shut down on you emotionally. Going to his friend to talk about your anger at your husband was a huge mistake (before the drunk sex act occurred) because you went behind your husband's back, instead of trying to reason with him to go get counseling together to sort out the aftermath of your physical trauma.

 

And yes you did cheat on your husband BECAUSE you wanted to hurt him. You complained several times about his behavior towards you so I'm guessing that you did the whole drunk sex thing as a means of revenge. It's been done before. You're not the first. You may not have feelings for Jason or vice versa, but what kind of man is he to take advantage of his friend's wife? Not a stand-up guy.

 

You have choices to make now. Do you want to save your marriage? Or just save your ego? Do you care about your husband? Are you afraid to be an adult in this situation which means admitting to your husband that you you made a mistake?

 

I suggest that you seriously consider marriage counseling with your husband. Suggest it as a coping tool for the grief you're both suffering since the miscarriage. Then in a therapy session, admit to your betrayal and confess your one-night-stand with Jason. With a therapist in the same room, she/he can mediate and help you both deal with that issue. And frankly, you should not contact Jason again.

 

A few weeks to late, wintergal. The problem with posting on a thread that has a lot of pages is when you don't read them all (or at least read kate's) you come in with advice that has already been given and taken.

 

Kate is in MC an she did confess.

[writergal]

A few weeks to late, wintergal. The problem with posting on a thread that has a lot of pages is when you don't read them all (or at least read kate's) you come in with advice that has already been given and taken.

 

Kate is in MC an she did confess.

 

Well that's good to hear. Yes I probably should have read through all the pages on this thread before I posted. Thanks for the update.

[deni9]

Nailed it!!!

[Darth Vader]

But it was because of my husbands actions that I cheated..

 

 

Like HELL it was! Now you are Blameshifting! OWN your affair! You chose to ride another man! You used what your husband did to justify you screwing another man!

 

Perhaps I detect a bit of rug sweeping as well?

[klotzak]

The only way to move on is to look back, face the issue square on, takes responsibility and then and only then can you consider moving forward.

The OP in this has nothing whatsoever to do with you and your husband, though he is definitely not innocent.

[Darth Vader]

It was a mistake. It wasn't intended and if I could take it back I would. I feel awful about what happened.

 

 

No, it wasn't! It was intentional! As sex is intentional, not a mistake!

[crederer]

You sound just like my ex. We went through similar things. She used it as an excuse to sleep around and blamed me for not being strong enough for her. Complete and utter bull. Sorry about losing the baby, but everything else has nothing to do with it. I don't feel sorry for you besides losing the baby. Your actions are disgusting.

 

Basically your post reads, "I cheated, but it's because of reasons x,y,z and I'm a victim".