The Way I Am Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 No, it wasn't! It was intentional! As sex is intentional, not a mistake! It really bugs me when someone says something was a mistake and someone responds as though the person used the word accident. Definition of mistake: "An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness." Yes, sex can be a mistake. And recognizing when you've made a mistake is not shirking responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted September 30, 2013 Author Share Posted September 30, 2013 (edited) We went to the movies last night, it was really nice. We talked a lot in the car, for the first time not about Jason. He asked me to move back to our bedroom, I know nothing is set in stone but he seems more at peace with everything. We have talked so much these past few weeks about everything, I have been completely honest, and to the best of my knowledge he has too. The sessions were helpful to get the first conversations but we are doing a lot of talking ourselves. Edited September 30, 2013 by Kate.23987 7 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 We went to the movies last night, it was really nice. We talked a lot in the car, for the first time not about Jason. He asked me to move back to our bedroom, I know nothing is set in stone but he seems more at peace with everything. We have talked so much these past few weeks about everything, I have been completely honest, and to the best of my knowledge he has too. The sessions were helpful to get the first conversations but we are doing a lot of talking ourselves. This is a huge step forward for your marriage. True reconciliation takes a long, long time and is a painful process, but it sounds like you have begun the process. You should remember that all the sex you are going to start having with him is called "hysterical bonding" and doesn't mean that he has forgiven you or that things are "ok" again. It doesn't always help and sometimes it actually hurts reconciliation in the long run, but it is a start. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 We went to the movies last night, it was really nice. We talked a lot in the car, for the first time not about Jason. He asked me to move back to our bedroom, I know nothing is set in stone but he seems more at peace with everything. We have talked so much these past few weeks about everything, I have been completely honest, and to the best of my knowledge he has too. The sessions were helpful to get the first conversations but we are doing a lot of talking ourselves. Glad you're making progress, Kate. Thanks for the update. The problem most of us that have been betrayed with someone saying it was a mistake is that it is used in such a way as to downplay their behavior. As if we are to say, "oh well, if all it is was a mistake, then I guess I shouldn't feel bad" Valid argument. Understandable if the context is that the person is trying to blow off responsibility by saying it's a mistake. But no reason to follow them in trying to redefine the english language. Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 We went to the movies last night, it was really nice. We talked a lot in the car, for the first time not about Jason. He asked me to move back to our bedroom, I know nothing is set in stone but he seems more at peace with everything. We have talked so much these past few weeks about everything, I have been completely honest, and to the best of my knowledge he has too. The sessions were helpful to get the first conversations but we are doing a lot of talking ourselves. Nice to hear that you both are working and seeing results. Well done. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted September 30, 2013 Share Posted September 30, 2013 If sleeping with someone other than your partner isn't defective judgement and carelessness, I don't know what is. FYI, that's not "my definition", it's the dictionary's. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 But you tried to use it for your argument. Nice try, but you referred to the the direct quote from the dictionary as "your definition". Granted different dictionaries have different exact meanings, but it's not "my definition". And thats ok. Some can take the definition and make it whatever they want, I took it piece by piece and used it the way I want. Thinking that it's ok to sleep with another person and expect your partner to just be okay with that is pretty defective judgment in my opinion. There's no question that it's careless. 1. Taking insufficient care; negligent: a careless housekeeper; careless proofreading. 2. Marked by or resulting from lack of forethought or thoroughness: a careless mistake. 3. Showing a lack of consideration: a careless remark. 4. Unconcerned or indifferent; heedless: careless of the consequences. 5. Unstudied or effortless: danced with careless grace. 6. Exhibiting a disposition that is free from cares; cheerful: a careless grin; a careless wave of the hand. I would say that cheating on your spouse is negligent of your marriage vows, showing lack of consideration/unconcerned/indifferent of your spouses feelings, and shows lack of forethought for the consequences of your actions. Carelessness is not slipping on a banana peel. That's an accident. Carelessness is the a-hole who chose to leave the banana peel on the floor, knowing full well what could happen instead of putting it in the trash and didn't think or didn't care about the repercussions of leaving it for someone else to slip on. And no matter which way someone sees the "mistake" argument, I'd venture to guess that a cheater calling what they did a "mistake" is fairly offensive to alot of BS. Perhaps not all, but from what I have seen, calling it a mistake has ruffled feathers, and rightfully so. Maybe rightfully so based on the way it was said. It just seems like a lot of people just assume that a person is trying to absolve their responsibility even when the context doesn't suggest that and the word mistake itself doesn't mean lack of responsibility. Or worse, which wasn't the case here, people try to be witty with the "you didn't just fall" retort, when that doesn't apply at all to the word mistake. I just think a more appropriate response to people trying to brush something off as a "just a mistake" is that nothing is "just a mistake". Mistakes are a result of poor choices, thoughtlessness, carelessness, etc. and that person needs to own up to their responsibility. Sorry, I know I'm way too picky about the distortion of language. This is a tangent. I'll stop now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GudDude2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 The overwhelming consensus on the forum seems to be to tell your husband of your discretion. I also would concur. I would say despite the circumstance you made a very foul decision. But if you have any hope what's so ever of forgiveness and possible reconciliation you have got to tell your H asap. Lawd forbid your H's so called best friend tells him first. If that happens you will be looked upon as a whore for life by the both of them. If he tells first their so-called friendship will have a better chance of survival than your marriage. Which way would you prefer? Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 The overwhelming consensus on the forum seems to be to tell your husband of your discretion. I also would concur. I would say despite the circumstance you made a very foul decision. But if you have any hope what's so ever of forgiveness and possible reconciliation you have got to tell your H asap. Lawd forbid your H's so called best friend tells him first. If that happens you will be looked upon as a whore for life by the both of them. If he tells first their so-called friendship will have a better chance of survival than your marriage. Which way would you prefer? She confessed quite a few pages ago Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 The overwhelming consensus on the forum seems to be to tell your husband of your discretion. I also would concur. I would say despite the circumstance you made a very foul decision. But if you have any hope what's so ever of forgiveness and possible reconciliation you have got to tell your H asap. Lawd forbid your H's so called best friend tells him first. If that happens you will be looked upon as a whore for life by the both of them. If he tells first their so-called friendship will have a better chance of survival than your marriage. Which way would you prefer? I know that long threads are difficult to read all the way through, but by reacting to early posts without reading the rest, you really miss addressing the situation in its current context. You are suggesting "omg! you really need to tell, or else..." and in fact, she already has, they have endured some of the ensuing shxtstorm, have begun to attend counseling together, and in recent posts, she has reported on the results of some of those visits. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 We went to the movies last night, it was really nice. We talked a lot in the car, for the first time not about Jason. He asked me to move back to our bedroom, I know nothing is set in stone but he seems more at peace with everything. We have talked so much these past few weeks about everything, I have been completely honest, and to the best of my knowledge he has too. The sessions were helpful to get the first conversations but we are doing a lot of talking ourselves. Wow! Communication in a marriage! Feels kinda nice doesn't it? Just continue to talk with your husband. Always talk to each other. Now, another thing you're going to have to look out for is triggers. There are going to be things that he see's, or smells or hears that is going to trigger things in his head to remind him of your betrayal. If they haven't started yet...they will. Be ready for them. His mood will switch like a light switch; chances are he triggered. Don't get upset or frustrated. Ride it out. If he needs to verbally use you as a punching bag. Let him get it out of his system. But, it sounds like you two are doing much better! Good job! I still say you should surprise him with a quite getaway weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 But, it sounds like you two are doing much better! Good job! I still say you should surprise him with a quite getaway weekend. We have talked about going to London and Paris and all the big places in Europe for a very long time, even when we were dating. However, I don't want to go behind his back and plan something without him knowing, that's kind of what got me into this mess. I understand of course that it can just be a little trip but we have wanted to do this for a while. I'm sort of at a cross-road Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 We have talked about going to London and Paris and all the big places in Europe for a very long time, even when we were dating. However, I don't want to go behind his back and plan something without him knowing, that's kind of what got me into this mess. I understand of course that it can just be a little trip but we have wanted to do this for a while. I'm sort of at a cross-road A one night road trip is not that risky of a surprise. Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 However, I don't want to go behind his back and plan something without him knowing, that's kind of what got me into this mess. That makes a lot of sense. Getting away together could be nice though. How about finding some place nice to go for a day or weekend trip, getting all the necessary info (hotel availability, events, etc.) but not actually booking anything until you ask him if he wants to go. If he likes it, then book it. Nothing crazy like Europe. That's too much like you're trying to "buy" your way back into good graces. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 5, 2013 Share Posted October 5, 2013 That makes a lot of sense. Getting away together could be nice though. How about finding some place nice to go for a day or weekend trip, getting all the necessary info (hotel availability, events, etc.) but not actually booking anything until you ask him if he wants to go. If he likes it, then book it. Yeah, I like this suggestion. Shows you're taking affirmative steps to do something positive, but you're not backing him into a corner, committing him to anything, or making a decision for him until you've communicated about it. Seems like, metaphorically, a good sequence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 You were right about the hysterical bonding. It has been a very confusing situation, it feels the same but it's not. That's true of all the interaction I have with my husband. Last night we had a very intense moment with each other, after we had sex, he looked at me with so much love and then he remembered. He suddenly became cold and didn't know how to act around me and he had to leave. I have been looking at taking a trip, I don't know what good it will do. I understand that it will take a long time, I don't want to bombard him. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 You were right about the hysterical bonding. It has been a very confusing situation, it feels the same but it's not. That's true of all the interaction I have with my husband. Last night we had a very intense moment with each other, after we had sex, he looked at me with so much love and then he remembered. He suddenly became cold and didn't know how to act around me and he had to leave. I have been looking at taking a trip, I don't know what good it will do. I understand that it will take a long time, I don't want to bombard him. It seems that you're working on helping your husband recover. Good luck and continue the hard work! rust me, it's worth the effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 You were right about the hysterical bonding. It has been a very confusing situation, it feels the same but it's not. That's true of all the interaction I have with my husband. Last night we had a very intense moment with each other, after we had sex, he looked at me with so much love and then he remembered. He suddenly became cold and didn't know how to act around me and he had to leave. I have been looking at taking a trip, I don't know what good it will do. I understand that it will take a long time, I don't want to bombard him. It will get you two out of familiar soundings. Out of the norm. Experience something new. New place that won't remind him of the things that happened back home. To take a break. It may even lessen his triggers while your gone. Something that you two can create new memories around. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have been together for five. I'm 25 and he is 27 and obviously I love in very, very much. We generally don't argue often and if we do we resolve it very quickly and things return to normal. I became pregnant and we were both so excited. In hindsight it was a bad decision, but we told our families and friends of the news. One night, I woke up with very painful cramps and vomiting and we went to the hospital. It was then that they told us that We had lost the baby. After that, I dont really remember anything, I just felt numb. Ben was so supportive, despite the fact I knew he was devastated. But recently he has been on edge with me all the time, he is constantly angry, and shouting to be left alone. I have tried with him but it is really hard and he keeps pushing me away. Whenever friends or family come over he's back to himself again and as soon as they leave he can't even stand to be around me. He told me when he sees me, he's reminded of what happened and he can't get over it. When he's not angry he barely talks and whenever I try to have sex or even kiss him he says that he is not ready. The miscarriage devastated me and I still think about it all the time but any time I try and get comfort from him or to comfort him he just pushes me away. I don't know what to to, I feel like he blames me and I am all alone. I tried to suggest councelling but he just got into another argument. In desperation, I turned to his best friend, Jason, and asked him to talk to my husband. I wasn't looking for any kind of relationship, I just needed someone who knows us and understands. He was kind of wary about it initially but we met up for coffee. It was so great to talk to someone, it was the first time I smiled in so long. We walked for a while and went back to his place because it started raining very badly. It was so stupid but we ended up drinking a bit (a lot in fact) and I started crying about everything and he hugged me. One thing led to another and we had sex. The next morning Jason woke me up and apologised for everything and we both agreed I should leave. I came home to find my husband passed out on the couch. When he woke up I told him that I stayed out with a friend and crashed at hers. I obviously do not underestimate the consequences of what I did and it was the worst kind of betrayal. It was selfish and stupid and I know there is no excuse. but it was. The first time I felt normal, without thinking about the miscarriage.It will hurt him so bad and I can't believe how stupid I was. I don't think that telling him will make things better. It is already so hard at home but I can't lie about something like this. I love him so much, I cant bear to hurt him. Please can anyone help? I don't know what to do?! Remember your first post? Honesty is always the best policy no matter how much it hurts because the only ones that really have your backs is each other. A marriage full of lies will never last the test of time, you did the right thing, keep doing the right thing because you both have a long life ahead of you. Congratulations Kate. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Reading this thread I have a question for Kate...did you get drunk before having sex with the guy? If you didn't, why did you do it? You knew you loved your husband so why do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 How is it going Kate - are you OK? Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 (edited) I don't think your husband will trust you again. Don't be surprised if when you get back with him, he cheats on you. My advice to you is to let him go do his thing and take some time off from seeing him. Edited November 1, 2013 by peruano99 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Been awhile since Katie has been on here. I think she's moved on folks! Hopefully, with her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Been awhile since Katie has been on here. I think she's moved on folks! Hopefully, with her husband. If his husband forgave her for that, then he is not so bright. Link to post Share on other sites
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