Chi townD Posted November 1, 2013 Share Posted November 1, 2013 Well, I'd be the first to blast a WW or WH on here when the come pointing fingers or making excuses or can't understand why their BS won't forgive a 7 year affair. But, I totally sensed Katie's remorse. She came on here and took her lumps but never quit coming back. She took the advice that she got here and made an effort to apply it to her marriage. So, I'm more apt to help someone that's truly remorseful. (and by the way, I'm the one that got cheated on. So, don't think I'm a defender of WW and WH) 7 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 2, 2013 Share Posted November 2, 2013 Well, I'd be the first to blast a WW or WH on here when the come pointing fingers or making excuses or can't understand why their BS won't forgive a 7 year affair. But, I totally sensed Katie's remorse. She came on here and took her lumps but never quit coming back. She took the advice that she got here and made an effort to apply it to her marriage. So, I'm more apt to help someone that's truly remorseful. (and by the way, I'm the one that got cheated on. So, don't think I'm a defender of WW and WH) She said her husband also cheated on her first. They are both damaged, but if he forgave her, she should expect him to cheat again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted November 4, 2013 Author Share Posted November 4, 2013 I'm not going to lie, it has not been easy these past few months. Some of the days have been among the worst in my life. I made the decision to come clean to everyone, with my husband's consent. It has been humiliating not only for me, but more importantly Ben. His mom was completely dismayed. Things have been strained between us as a result (we were very close before) but she has forgiven me. Ben and I have decided to move, hopefully to where we can move on from this whole thing. Thank you for all your help everyone, constructive or otherwise. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 4, 2013 Share Posted November 4, 2013 Kate if he decides to sleep with another woman now, don't blame him. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 5, 2013 Share Posted November 5, 2013 Kate something you should have done to avoid all of this was to 1. not go inside the guy's house....what do you think was going to happen? 2. Not get drunk I can't believe your husband could forgive you after you did all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Kate if he decides to sleep with another woman now, don't blame him. Two wrongs do not make a right. You must confuse that with three left turns make a right turn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Two wrongs do not make a right. You must confuse that with three left turns make a right turn. I am only saying she can't be mad if he did the same thing or calls it quits with her. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 I am only saying she can't be mad if he did the same thing or calls it quits with her. She can most certainly be mad. His ethical choices are the same as hers. Unhappy in your marriage? Fix it or leave. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) She can most certainly be mad. His ethical choices are the same as hers. Unhappy in your marriage? Fix it or leave. That's why I said she can't be mad if he decides to leave her. If what you said is true, she can do whatever she wants in the relationship like cheating and he cannot do the same and just has to suck it up. I don't blame her husband if he decides to take a break from her and goes alone for a while. Edited November 6, 2013 by peruano99 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 That's why I said she can't be mad if he decides to leave her. If what you said is true, she can do whatever she wants in the relationship like cheating and he cannot do the same and just has to suck it up. I don't blame her husband if he decides to take a break from her and goes alone for a while. We're going to have to agree to disagree. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bwright42tx Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 That's why I said she can't be mad if he decides to leave her. If what you said is true, she can do whatever she wants in the relationship like cheating and he cannot do the same and just has to suck it up. I don't blame her husband if he decides to take a break from her and goes alone for a while. We're going to have to agree to disagree. I'm with BetrayedH here. . . Two wrongs don't make a right. She can make whatever immoral and unethical choices she wants, but that doesn't automatically allow him to do the same. Cheating is cheating, even when it's revenge cheating. He can be just as immoral and unethical as her if he chooses, but he doesn't get a free pass on it just because she did it first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) That's why I said she can't be mad if he decides to leave her. If what you said is true, she can do whatever she wants in the relationship like cheating and he cannot do the same and just has to suck it up. I don't blame her husband if he decides to take a break from her and goes alone for a while. You're not really being honest. You are defending your point that she can't be mad if he leaves, and that is fine, but what you said was: Kate if he decides to sleep with another woman now, don't blame him. I am only saying she can't be mad if he did the same thing or calls it quits with her. What posters have reacted against is your clear claim that he has "cover" to go do the same thing, but you are avoiding that point by backtracking and defending only your assertion that he has the right to leave, which we all seem to agree upon already. Edited November 6, 2013 by Trimmer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) I'm with BetrayedH here. . . Two wrongs don't make a right. She can make whatever immoral and unethical choices she wants, but that doesn't automatically allow him to do the same. Cheating is cheating, even when it's revenge cheating. He can be just as immoral and unethical as her if he chooses, but he doesn't get a free pass on it just because she did it first. So basically she can cheat all she wants, but not him. I am saying she doesn't have the right to get mad if he does cheat because she had sex with his best friend. I also read her husband and her were not together for a while and he had a one night stand and she forgave him for that. Edited November 6, 2013 by peruano99 Link to post Share on other sites
bwright42tx Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 So basically she can cheat all she wants, but not him. I am saying she doesn't have the right to get mad if he does cheat because she had sex with his best friend. I also read her husband and her were not together for a while and he had a one night stand and she forgave him for that. No. Neither one gets a free pass for cheating. The post seemed to indicate that because she cheated he could cheat. I don't agree with that. Just because one cheats doesn't give the other one the right to cheat. Neither one should cheat. But once one does, and the other finds out, he either decides to R or decides to D, staying and cheating isn't an ethical or moral choice. For either party. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 No. Neither one gets a free pass for cheating. The post seemed to indicate that because she cheated he could cheat. I don't agree with that. Just because one cheats doesn't give the other one the right to cheat. Neither one should cheat. But once one does, and the other finds out, he either decides to R or decides to D, staying and cheating isn't an ethical or moral choice. For either party. If the person who decides to stay with the person cheating should realize she can always cheat again. There is always the risk and the losing of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
bwright42tx Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 If the person who decides to stay with the person cheating should realize she can always cheat again. There is always the risk and the losing of trust. Yes, the risk is always there. But there is also risk that someone who has never cheated will cheat due to a perfect set of circumstances. IMHO a truly reformed cheater is less likely to cheat than someone who has never cheated before, but at the same time, its difficult for the BS to ever get that level of blind trust back and believe that. And many WS claim they are reformed, and maybe even believe it themselves, but are not truly reformed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 Kate I wish you and your husband best of lucks for the future. I read that both of you have cheated so hopefully you two can make better people of yourselves. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 She can most certainly be mad. His ethical choices are the same as hers. Unhappy in your marriage? Fix it or leave. Some people can learn from you though I doubt Mr p 99 will. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 So basically she can cheat all she wants, but not him. I am saying she doesn't have the right to get mad if he does cheat because she had sex with his best friend. I also read her husband and her were not together for a while and he had a one night stand and she forgave him for that. So your friend robs a bank and your logic makes it ok for you to rob a bank. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 If the person who decides to stay with the person cheating should realize she can always cheat again. There is always the risk and the losing of trust. You're absolutely right, there are no guarantees, but it goes both ways. I know from experience how much it hurts to be betrayed, and yet I would day that the probability that I'll chat myself is higher now. But I don't think I deserve it, that I'm entitled to, or that it in any shape or form is okay to do so. But more vulnerable to it, yes, guilty of that. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 6, 2013 Share Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) So your friend robs a bank and your logic makes it ok for you to rob a bank. No, but I can't forgive cheaters that easily so once a person cheats, it's best to separate and go separate ways. I think that if a person is going to cheat, he/she needs to break it off with their partner and then do whatever he/she wants. Edited November 6, 2013 by peruano99 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 No, but I can't forgive cheaters that easily so once a person cheats, it's best to separate and go separate ways. I think that if a person is going to cheat, he/she needs to break it off with their partner and then do whatever he/she wants. If there are no minor children involved I agree with this 100%. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 If there are no minor children involved I agree with this 100%. I always want to agree with this but during my reconciliation, I became emphatic that I was not going to stay for the children. I really tried to remove the children from my thought process; I had to be staying for my wife and I. I'm not sure if those beliefs are mutually exclusive. Apologies if this is off-topic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 If there are no minor children involved I agree with this 100%. My dad forgave his girlfriend after she cheated on him and got pregnant because he had a young daughter with her. To this day I will never understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted November 7, 2013 Share Posted November 7, 2013 My dad forgave his girlfriend after she cheated on him and got pregnant because he had a young daughter with her. To this day I will never understand. The point is, you don't have to. Each person and each couple is different, you're not there, you don't know them, so they are probably the people who are best equipped to decide what's best for them in their situation. People in this forum are most often looking for help and support in difficult life situations. I've often found it useful to remember, that if I can't think of anything of value for OP, I simply step back and lick my own wounds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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