I cheated on my husband

[samsungxoxo]

Guys, I doubt Kate will be coming back. Well, she might once the R falls apart, and it will.

 

Second, Ben did bruised her when he grabbed her. No where she said that he beat her or was abusive physically before then. So to say that she can be justified for her actions makes no sense. First I'm sure no one here will ever condone physical abuse, in fact if a woman is in a physically abusive R she should D and never ever look back.

 

But, this is not the case here. He made stupid mistake due to the pain and humiliation he felt. So, why was everyone rooting for her before and hoping for Ben to forgive her as her cheating was just a mistake and one that could be forgiven. Now all of the sudden Ben bruised her when he was rough with her and everyone is immediately condemning him and saying that this is unforgivable?

 

Let's take a poll. For women only please. What would you prefer? Lets pretend it is a one time occurrence and there is an absolute guarantee it will never happen again on both examples.

 

Which would you prefer? What's less painful?

 

One day your husband get's drunk and in an argument and handles you in a rough manner and bruises you. There is a guarantee it will never happen again....

 

One day you find out your H slept with you best friend. Later he leaves you and gets with her.......

 

what is more painful.

For me both of them would be painful and I would never ever him again. To me, a faithful and caring man is not only never sleeping around with my best friend but never have to be worrying about getting hit either nor walking on eggshells because of what his reaction will be. Once trust is broken, whether he emotionally hurts me (cheating) or directly goes physical on me that's it for me. I would see him in a disgusting way forever.

[Woggle]

What sick person would lie about a getting assaulted? That would really have to be a mentally disturbed person.

 

MY ex lied about it in court. Some people have no qualms about it.

[samsungxoxo]

MY ex lied about it in court. Some people have no qualms about it.

Did they find out about it eventually?

[Woggle]

Did they find out about it eventually?

 

The judge caught her contradicting her story and that is why I got the house and didn't have to pay her a dime in alimony. I had a female judge who clearly disgusted with her. I never laid a hand on her and she is the one who did time for being violent against me after the divorce when she tried to shoot me. Luckily Jersey has strict gun control laws so she did most of her time for weapons possession. Until that incident she had many people convinced I was the abuser.

[strongnrelaxed]

She is a woman so she must have had some unmet needs that completely and totally warrant cheating - but we cannot say that explicitly.

 

At least she came clean. At least she is trying. She was manipulated it is not her fault. Anyone who criticizes her should just calm down - she is going through such a tough *sniff* time - stop being so mean to her.

 

That's the way most of these comments sound.

[Darth Vader]

I have always stated that affairs are ALWAYS INTENTIONAL! THEY ARE NEVER A MISTAKE! STOP CALLING AFFAIRS A MISTAKE!

 

In any case, I rest my case about this WHATEVER and her Jason whatever, They did want to screw! It was INTENTIONAL! Any questions? I thought not!

 

So now, she continues to intentionally hurt her husband by justifying her Riding Jason because he left bruises on her. Um, I think this would've happened again even without the physical abuse from the husband, plus, it's possible she was screwing this bastard all this time while posting on LS to us.

 

Somehow I'm not surprised!

 

Ok, sure he shouldn't have done the abuse thing, HOWEVER! She's been abusing her husband in the worse possible way imaginable, possibly even all this time during their reconciliation! It's called false reconciliation!

[Trimmer]

I'm not saying he deserved to be cheated on....

That's precisely what you said:

If you ignore your spouse for months, especially after a trauma you DESERVE to get cheated on!

You even put deserve in capital letters, apparently to make sure we wouldn't miss the importance of this word to you.

 

She is a woman so she must have had some unmet needs that completely and totally warrant cheating - but we cannot say that explicitly.

Are you sure you are saying what you think you're saying here? First, you seem to be saying that you are sure she had unmet needs that justified her cheating, using words like must, completely, and totally. Are you sure this says what you intended.

 

Then, after making a very explicit statement that leaves little room for interpretation, you finish with "but we cannot say that explicitly."

 

What is it that you are saying?

[Oldspiceywolf]

Thanks for calling me out trimmer, I was mistaken, I don't reread my posts. Your right I think he deserved to get cheated on.

My best friend And his wife had a miscarriage two and a half years ago, she wasn't willing to do the work to get over it and it drove them apart but I know how how hard my friend tried to make her feel loved and get back to having a child. She lives in CA, won't take his calls he lives in portland with his mother who is dying of a brain tumor, it breaks my heart.

 

My point is a miscarriage can crush a relationship if a partner isnt trying to get over it and move forward.

 

After I saw I made a mistake I brought this thread to my wife to see if she felt the same way. We both feel that if your spouse is struggling with a tragedy the other partner needs to step their game up, not crawl into a hole and act like a little baby.

 

We both agree that months of neglect may not mean you deseve to get cheated on but it definitely leaves you open for it and he needs to share in the blame.

He obviously can't communicate his emotions properly if he's getting g physical.

 

I like to believe the OPs on this forum, sometimes it's BullShnniz but I decide to reply to the circumstances presented to me, they are mostly anonymous so if your lying here then you have problems that won't get worked out here but maybe just maybe what is presented is actually somebody else's circumstance and the advice from a jenk thread could still be helpful.

 

That's my two cents on this thread, it's toast anywayz!

[tiredofitall2]

Yea, the problem with adultery is that if used as a way of eating back at someone ore even as a way to come it always backfires. As adultery will typically eat at the adulterer's very soul, values and sense of worth.

 

That's why revenge affairs hurt both people equally and it leaves the OP feeling empty and worse than before (in most cases) it will greatly depend on your value system.

 

So no, no one ever deserves to be cheated on. In my opinion is like violating our own self in order to hurt our partner. It's like saying "hey I'm using crack because you did XWY to me" "I'll become a junky and destroy you and our family" Yes we know it will give you a high and perhaps make you feel "good" at the very moment, but we know the destructive effects of crack. An extreme example, but just that.

[peruano99]

Uh you know the only thing Kate's husband is to blame is for hitting her. He had no part in Kate's cheating no matter what she says.

 

Her husband wasn't there for her? That's why she should have talked with him and try to get the relationship to be better.

Edited December 26, 2013 by peruano99

[Woggle]

Uh you know the only thing Kate's husband is to blame is for hitting her. He had no part in Kate's cheating no matter what she says.

 

Her husband wasn't there for her? That's why she should have talked with him and try to get the relationship to be better.

 

Not there for me is pretty much a cliche out of the cheater's handbook.

[DirectDescendant]

I got this from OP's original post: ". But recently he has been on edge with me all the time, he is constantly angry, and shouting to be left alone. I have tried with him but it is really hard and he keeps pushing me away. Whenever friends or family come over he's back to himself again and as soon as they leave he can't even stand to be around me. He told me when he sees me, he's reminded of what happened and he can't get over it. When he's not angry he barely talks and whenever I try to have sex or even kiss him he says that he is not ready. The miscarriage devastated me and I still think about it all the time but any time I try and get comfort from him or to comfort him he just pushes me away. I don't know what to to, I feel like he blames me and I am all alone. I tried to suggest councelling but he just got into another argument."

 

This relationship was over! He checked out then she cheated, they both flushed her marriage I don't think there is an argument over who to blame, they both are!

She exited the relationship with no class, but up to the point of her little exit affair he was basically shoving her out the door. I think somewhere inside she slept with his BF as revenge for lack of support and wasting her time and I think the BF is being used as a tool to make her feel good about herself. He might get to live hit fantasy and have sex with her but I think she will break his heart when she "needs to figure things out." He's an untypical RA and rebound.

I think this person may not be very strong in character or at least at this point in her life, let's not expect too much from her, I doubt she updates again anyway, she's taken a beating here, I think that part sucks.

[tiredofitall2]

I got this from OP's original post: ". But recently he has been on edge with me all the time, he is constantly angry, and shouting to be left alone. I have tried with him but it is really hard and he keeps pushing me away. Whenever friends or family come over he's back to himself again and as soon as they leave he can't even stand to be around me. He told me when he sees me, he's reminded of what happened and he can't get over it. When he's not angry he barely talks and whenever I try to have sex or even kiss him he says that he is not ready. The miscarriage devastated me and I still think about it all the time but any time I try and get comfort from him or to comfort him he just pushes me away. I don't know what to to, I feel like he blames me and I am all alone. I tried to suggest councelling but he just got into another argument."

 

This relationship was over! He checked out then she cheated, they both flushed her marriage I don't think there is an argument over who to blame, they both are!

She exited the relationship with no class, but up to the point of her little exit affair he was basically shoving her out the door. I think somewhere inside she slept with his BF as revenge for lack of support and wasting her time and I think the BF is being used as a tool to make her feel good about herself. He might get to live hit fantasy and have sex with her but I think she will break his heart when she "needs to figure things out." He's an untypical RA and rebound.

I think this person may not be very strong in character or at least at this point in her life, let's not expect too much from her, I doubt she updates again anyway, she's taken a beating here, I think that part sucks.

 

I think you are dead on. Although I won't call the OM a victim. I'd call him an opportunist, a bad friend and a person with very poor moral standards and no honor.

[Darth Vader]

I got this from OP's original post: ". But recently he has been on edge with me all the time, he is constantly angry, and shouting to be left alone. I have tried with him but it is really hard and he keeps pushing me away. Whenever friends or family come over he's back to himself again and as soon as they leave he can't even stand to be around me. He told me when he sees me, he's reminded of what happened and he can't get over it. When he's not angry he barely talks and whenever I try to have sex or even kiss him he says that he is not ready. The miscarriage devastated me and I still think about it all the time but any time I try and get comfort from him or to comfort him he just pushes me away. I don't know what to to, I feel like he blames me and I am all alone. I tried to suggest councelling but he just got into another argument."

 

This relationship was over! He checked out then she cheated, they both flushed her marriage I don't think there is an argument over who to blame, they both are!

She exited the relationship with no class, but up to the point of her little exit affair he was basically shoving her out the door. I think somewhere inside she slept with his BF as revenge for lack of support and wasting her time and I think the BF is being used as a tool to make her feel good about herself. He might get to live hit fantasy and have sex with her but I think she will break his heart when she "needs to figure things out." He's an untypical RA and rebound.

I think this person may not be very strong in character or at least at this point in her life, let's not expect too much from her, I doubt she updates again anyway, she's taken a beating here, I think that part sucks.

 

 

A person who cheats on their spouse is in the wrong PERIOD! There is NO fault or blame towards the BS for the actions of any WS! Simply because no one can control the actions of another! Whether out of revenge or lust, it makes NO difference! Plus, NO ONE deserves to be cheated on, just like NO ONE deserves to be Hit and physically abused! You can't blame another person for the actions of some one else! People do stuff because THEY WANT TO! Just like this crappy woman is doing in Riding her OM right now! She wants to screw this OM, she wanted to screw this OM before when they repeatedly screwed that night over and over again! Are you people getting it now?!

[compulsivedancer]

Guys, it's been over a week since Kate's posted here. She's going to go ahead and get the divorce, she said. So why continue to argue about whether she was in the right or the wrong? She has admitted she was in the wrong, they're getting the divorce. Yes, she SHOULD wait to sleep with anyone else until after it's final, and Jason is probably not the best choice. But clearly the marriage is over, so why are you guys still rehashing it?

 

Kate, I hope that you are able to get counseling and work through your various issues. It sounds like you've got a perfect trifecta (quad-fecta?) of issues to work on: miscarriage, infidelity, and physical abuse (and perhaps your relationship or whatever it is with Jason, in general).

 

If I were you, I wouldn't want to rush back into the arms of OM. You need to take some time out and figure out who YOU are and what YOU want, and get yourself back on track. Make some goals and some plans and become the person you want to be, so that you never put yourself in this position again. Then, you can go out and find someone you can be HAPPY with.

 

I wish you luck.

[silicone]

It sounds like you've got a perfect trifecta (quad-fecta?) of issues to work on: miscarriage, infidelity, and physical abuse (and perhaps your relationship or whatever it is with Jason, in general).

 

Can someone point to me where the physical abuse happened?

 

I classify physical abuse as abuse that is repeated and sustained. From what I can see, this was only a one time thing, and that whilst he was drunk. He was hardly in compos mantis.

[compulsivedancer]

Can someone point to me where the physical abuse happened?

 

I classify physical abuse as abuse that is repeated and sustained. From what I can see, this was only a one time thing, and that whilst he was drunk. He was hardly in compos mantis.

 

Fine, call it "being knocked around" then. This is to abuse what a ONS is to cheating, in my mind. Being drunk works as an excuse for hurting someone physically just as well as it does for cheating on someone - it's just not a good enough excuse.

 

Regardless, the point is, she probably isn't even following this thread any more.

[samsungxoxo]

Can someone point to me where the physical abuse happened?

 

I classify physical abuse as abuse that is repeated and sustained. From what I can see, this was only a one time thing, and that whilst he was drunk. He was hardly in compos mantis.

A one time assault would be enough for me to leave a man for that and don't talk to him ever again. I never want to be physically violated and/or feel threatened for my safety in any way.

[Trimmer]

I classify physical abuse as abuse that is repeated and sustained. From what I can see, this was only a one time thing, and that whilst he was drunk. He was hardly in compos mantis.

All that does, though, is give you a handy rule about what to call it. You still have to answer the question: if your partner gets violent with you, what will you do in response?

 

(Incidentally, in my classification scheme, if it is repeated and sustained, then I would call it "repeated, sustained physical abuse". )

 

For some people, the first time - irrespective of blood alcohol level (and maybe even especially because of it) - is a deal breaker. That may not be the case for you, but it is for some.