I cheated on my husband

[janedoe67]

No matter what any guru says, it IS in your husband's rights to veto a no contact letter. If he wants zero contact including no letter, then THAT is the course you take. The idea of doing what a guru says at the expense of your husband's sense of safety makes no sense.

[road]

Glad things are at least looking up. Your husband didn't leave the therapist's office and declare it all a waste of time. You still have a long way to go, but it's a step in the right direction.

 

I second the suggestions about what steps you can take to keep things on track.

 

I'm iffy on the idea to write the letter to Jason without asking your husband. If you husband asks you to, by all means do that immediately. But if you write one without him asking for that or you asking him if he thinks it's a good idea, I'm worried he could see it as an attempt to reach out to Jason instead of an attempt to distance from him. I don't think you should give the impression that you have any interest in doing anything as far as Jason is concerned without talking to your husband about it first. I suggest you tell your husband that while you were reading about how to heal your marriage, you saw the suggestion to send a letter to OM saying you'll have no contact with him. Tell him you want to do that and ask if he wants you to. (If he's iffy or says he doesn't care, take that as a yes.) Then write the letter from both of you. Let him read it before you send. (If he's willing, include your husband in the letter-writing process. Highly probable that he won't be though.)

 

Definitely get and start reading books on recovering from infidelity.

 

 

There is nothing iffy about telling the OM to get lost with a NC letter. Simple letter stating the affair was wrong. Sorry for the pain she caused her BH. That there is to be NC for life.

 

So letter to BH to see if he is ok with what is written. Then seal the envelop then they mail the letter together.

 

That is showing remorse.

 

Willing to admit what she did was wrong in writing.

 

Proof that she is telling the OM to get lost.

 

All can only help a BH feel his WW is starting to do the work to recover.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Sorry if anyone thought I suggested sending without husbands approval... what I was (trying to) suggest is the writing of the letter PROACTIVELY then sharing it with BS , saying I have heard its a good thing to send a NC letter, I wrote one, what do you think?

 

A thoughtful letter saying she regrets the entire episode, that she loves and is committed to repairing the damage to her marriage and most specifically spending every day for the rest of her life making it up to him would be a nice start.

 

What I think is a mistake for the WS to sit around waiting for the BS to know and tell them what to do to make it better.

 

Sorry for the confusion.

[Trimmer]

Kate,

 

Everyone has been giving you a pretty hard time, me included. S I would like to give you some constructive suggestions.

 

Cooking, cleaning, etc. all fine. But will not resolve your issues.

When she said that the first session was mostly housekeeping, I didn't take that literally, but as a figurative term meaning that they talked about general goals, administrative issues, ground rules, how the counseling would work, financial arrangements for paying, schedules, etc...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

When she said that the first session was mostly housekeeping, I didn't take that literally, but as a figurative term meaning that they talked about general goals, administrative issues, ground rules, how the counseling would work, financial arrangements for paying, schedules, etc...

 

Yes I got that...I meant the references to cooking meals and making a cake as her "things she has been doing" to help her BS.

[Trimmer]

Yes I got that...I meant the references to cooking meals and making a cake as her "things she has been doing" to help her BS.

Gotcha - missed that!

[janedoe67]

Regarding the letter, I think writing a simple one to give to BH is good. BUT no matter what any stranger or gurur says...sending it is your HUSBAND's call.

[The Way I Am]

Sorry if anyone thought I suggested sending without husbands approval... what I was (trying to) suggest is the writing of the letter PROACTIVELY then sharing it with BS ,

 

Sorry. You were clear. I got that's what you were saying. I guess I didn't phrase myself well. I meant that I don't think the letter should even be written without BS's permission beforehand. OP can be proactive in seeking to write the letter by asking if H is okay with that before starting to write.

 

There is nothing iffy about telling the OM to get lost with a NC letter.

 

If H doesn't okay it, it's not just iffy to send an NC letter, it's counterproductive and harmful.

 

But what I question isn't the idea of an NC letter itself. What I consider iffy is whether it should be written before getting the okay. On one hand, it's good to make it clear to the OM that no further contact is wanted and taking the initiative to write it without asking first could show H that effort is being made to make things right. But on the other, it can come off wrong to hand her spouse a letter from only herself addressed to the OM and then ask if it's okay to send. I think the latter can end up a case of H just responding with "well, you already wrote it so do whatever you want".

 

I think it would be better to approach H first about writing a letter from both of them. Then start writing. If H wants to be active in writing, sit and write it together. If not, let him read it before sending.

 

It's better to have the H feel involved in the decision to contact the OM with the request for NC than to decide to make a unilateral decision to write the letter with H only being given the opportunity to give feedback after it's already written. She can still show she's making a proactive effort but without the added risk that H will feel like she made a decision regarding the OM without him and just expected him to go along with it.

Edited September 10, 2013 by The Way I Am

[Trimmer]

I think it would be better to approach H first about writing a letter from both of them. Then start writing. If H wants to be active in writing, sit and write it together. If not, let him read it before sending.

 

It's better to have the H feel involved in the decision to contact the OM with the request for NC than to decide to make a unilateral decision to write the letter with H only being given the opportunity to give feedback after it's already written. She can still show she's making a proactive effort but without the added risk that H will feel like she made a decision regarding the OM without him and just expected him to go along with it.

Yeah, I think I like this approach.

 

If you write it first, then take it to the husband, here's one more place you've been applying your energy to thoughts of the OM when your husband was not aware of it.

 

On the other hand, if you check in with H first, with the attitude, "do you think this would help?", then you have still - as TWIA points out - made the opening offer, showing a willingness to be active in working on the relationship.

 

And if it's a "go", then the energy you spend writing the letter feels like it's more about recovery rather than something that kind of happened behind the scenes, without knowledge of your H.

 

And finally, if it turns out that your H doesn't particularly care for the idea of a letter, if his attitude is "do NC by doing NC", then you haven't spent the energy on writing the letter first, and ended up possibly feeling like you weren't both on the same page.

[Kate.23987]

I talked to my husband about the no contact letter. He said 'I don't want you to contact him, he doesn't need any more potential encouragement or any sort of hope.' I offerd him my passwords but but he said he didn't want them. I told him to take them anyway. Today we had lunch at his mom's and step-dad's house. My husband made it clear he didn't want them to know what anything had happened, especially with Jason. He said he needed time to wrap his own head around everything before telling them, if he was going to tell them at all. It was so hard to watch him pretend everything was okay and his mom even picked up on it and asked what had happened. My husband swiftly changed the subject.

[Coolit]

How are you doing, kate?

[The Way I Am]

If you write it first, then take it to the husband, here's one more place you've been applying your energy to thoughts of the OM when your husband was not aware of it.

 

This says what I was trying to get at better than I could phrase it.

 

I talked to my husband about the no contact letter. He said 'I don't want you to contact him, he doesn't need any more potential encouragement or any sort of hope.'

 

Hopefully he understood that the point was not to give him any hope or encouragement. I'd probably have a similar take on it. If my friend cheated with my partner, I probably wouldn't want that "friend" to have the satisfaction of the letter or see it as an opening toward discussion.

 

I offerd him my passwords but but he said he didn't want them. I told him to take them anyway.

 

Good call. If he ever starts to get worried, he may change his mind and decide he wants to log in and ease his fears.

 

Today we had lunch at his mom's and step-dad's house. My husband made it clear he didn't want them to know what anything had happened, especially with Jason. He said he needed time to wrap his own head around everything before telling them, if he was going to tell them at all. It was so hard to watch him pretend everything was okay and his mom even picked up on it and asked what had happened. My husband swiftly changed the subject.

 

Another good call letting him decide when/if to tell his family.

 

Obviously nothing can erase what you've already done, but there is something to be said for the fact that you're taking responsibility for your actions and willing to take the necessary steps to repair the damage.

[BreeannS]

Well it's a good thing your husband is considering working it out. Not everyone has that luck. Anyway how did you convince him not to leave you?

 

Since you cheated, what have you been doing to make him feel better?

[Kate.23987]

I have been feeling okay lately. We have another marriage counselling session Monday. He is a teacher and has a class field trip this weekend so I don't know how much we will talk to each other before hand. I made plans to go away with a girlfriend this weekend anyway, so no chance of anything happening with Jason. I have been reading some marriage counselling books, they are helping.

[janedoe67]

I have been feeling okay lately. We have another marriage counselling session Monday. He is a teacher and has a class field trip this weekend so I don't know how much we will talk to each other before hand. I made plans to go away with a girlfriend this weekend anyway, so no chance of anything happening with Jason. I have been reading some marriage counselling books, they are helping.

 

 

I was not so sure about your decision to go away until I read the bolded part. If this is a friend of your marriage, this probably is a good idea after all.

[Kate.23987]

She is a friend of the marriage. I have no plans to go clubbing, we're going to a spa. She is my best friend and now is the time I have chosen to tell her about everything that has been happening. My husband told me he is fine with me talking to her about it but no one else.

[ChooseTruth]

Just wanted to say that I am so glad to hear things are getting better even if only slowly

 

That step of letting him know was traumatic and hellish but if you guys continue to go to counseling there is some hope. I hope the counselor is good.

 

Your H sounds like he's making some progress. It takes some time to sort everything out in your head. The whole experience is very confusing and he's just now getting his chance to clam down and recalibrate.

 

I'm glad you offered the passwords even if he rejected them. It'll probably be a knee jerk action to reject things... but your openness should pay dividends in the long run.

 

Keep the faith, effort, and keep posting.

[JustJoe]

If I were you , I would re-think this Spa idea. Sure, he might not object now, but what if he gets second thoughts while you are away? what if he starts to think that you are being less than remorseful and not taking this seriously enough? Do you really think it is wise to try to conduct business as usual?

[Coolit]

If I were you , I would re-think this Spa idea. Sure, he might not object now, but what if he gets second thoughts while you are away? what if he starts to think that you are being less than remorseful and not taking this seriously enough? Do you really think it is wise to try to conduct business as usual?

 

I disagree. It was very important to my H that i kept my plans to go visit my cousin 12 hours away. A long ways from xMM and gave him space to boot. She would be in far more danger of him worrying if she was at hone alone in close proximety with Jason while he is out of town.

 

Kate has probably left already but I woul suggest she check in frequently over the weekend and even send him photos of the place and so forth.

[Kate.23987]

Today was the session when we really got into deconstructing everything, the time for my confessions. It was really, really hard. The counsellor went through evrything, the text I sent him to meet up, what we talked about at the coffee place, the walk to his place. My husband sat there the whole session silent. When I was talking about when we had sex he turned white, balling his fists, holding back his anger and tears. It was very hard but it gave me the opportunity to tell the truth from what I remember. I didn't sugarcoat, I didn't lie.

[ChooseTruth]

Today was the session when we really got into deconstructing everything, the time for my confessions. It was really, really hard. The counsellor went through evrything, the text I sent him to meet up, what we talked about at the coffee place, the walk to his place. My husband sat there the whole session silent. When I was talking about when we had sex he turned white, balling his fists, holding back his anger and tears. It was very hard but it gave me the opportunity to tell the truth from what I remember. I didn't sugarcoat, I didn't lie.

 

That must have been hard. My ex never had the guts to do that. Her failure to do so was a big part of what destroyed us.

 

Obviously your H didn't enjoy it, but at least he knows you can tell the truth even when it's hard as hell. That says something powerful imo.

 

It proves so much more than "I didn't cheat today!" truth.

[Chi townD]

Today was the session when we really got into deconstructing everything, the time for my confessions. It was really, really hard. The counsellor went through evrything, the text I sent him to meet up, what we talked about at the coffee place, the walk to his place. My husband sat there the whole session silent. When I was talking about when we had sex he turned white, balling his fists, holding back his anger and tears. It was very hard but it gave me the opportunity to tell the truth from what I remember. I didn't sugarcoat, I didn't lie.

 

 

I'm sure the Counselor asked for feedback from him. What did he have to say after everything he heard?

[Kate.23987]

The counsellor was pushing for him to say something and he finally said What do I say to that? Thanks for giving me a full description of how you ****ed my best friend. Lets go home and play happy families now.

 

The counsellor was very good, very patient with him. Hopefully at our next session we will get a bit more out of it.

[aliveagain]

It is early after discovery, as a betrayed spouse it is very hard to understand how the person claiming to love you would betray you with your best friend specially when the purpose of the meeting was to discuss you. Hopefully it is not a deal breaker for him, infidelity is so hard to accept as a reality of your marriage.

[miguelcervantes]

Kate, I read through your whole thread and went through something similar with my wife. In fact you remind me a lot of her. I am sorry to hear of your predicament and can offer the following advice:

 

• You do need to demonstrate real ownership and remorse for what you did which I fully believe you are doing.
  
• You need to give him time as he does love you and you have ripped his world apart no matter what your reasons were for doing it
  
• I do believe that you love him and handled Jason in the right way
  

 

However what you have to own up to is the fact that you probably suspected Jason had feelings for you, that Jason is a scumbag for moving in on you although you encouraged it, and that what is going to be hard is getting him to believe that the next time you fall on hard times he needs to be able to trust you completely and at the moment you both are a million miles away from that. He needs to know that eventually you both can get back to that point - I repeat: the next time things get rough (and they will) he can trust you completely. So keep up the good work and I really hope you both get back together as my wife and I eventually did (I did not have the benefit of this site at the time and it took a lot longer with many false R's along the way). God bless and take care !