I cheated on my husband

[road]

The counsellor was pushing for him to say something and he finally said What do I say to that? Thanks for giving me a full description of how you ****ed my best friend. Lets go home and play happy families now.

 

The counsellor was very good, very patient with him. Hopefully at our next session we will get a bit more out of it.

 

A BH in conflict. He does not want to appear that he wants to stay married. He needs to save face. So he can only respond in the way he did.

 

You did not expect your BH to sympathize on how hard it is for you to tell you what she did, admit your double betrayal. Did you?

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Many counselors are poorly trained when it comes to infidelity.

 

Good you are honest. Continue to be honest with all of your BH's questions. Trickle truth has killed many a recovery.

[Chi townD]

How are things at the house going? Are you two communicating more?

[Iris_88]

I believe that you need to talk to your husband. Tell him that the both of you must go to therapy or you can no longer continue living the way you are living. It is not fair that he is blaming you for the miscarriage.

 

Once you are both comfortable by going to therapy, I think that you should let him know what happened between you and his best friend. In reality, alcohol aides in bringing out what we already feel inside. And if you ended up having sex with him, you both wanted to and have wanted to for some time. Come on, even drunk, we wont have sex with just anyone.

 

And this is difficult for you now. In the best friend's eyes, you are now tainted. Who is to say that he wont try again in the future, or tell your husband himself??? That would be worst.

 

Im sorry this is happening to you. Best of luck.

[drifter777]

The counsellor was pushing for him to say something and he finally said What do I say to that? Thanks for giving me a full description of how you ****ed my best friend. Lets go home and play happy families now.

 

The counsellor was very good, very patient with him. Hopefully at our next session we will get a bit more out of it.

I've tried to stay out of this thread because I have such a strong reaction to what you did. I can't imagine why your husband would want to go to counseling with you or do anything with you for that matter. That's how I see things from my perspective but, obviously, your husband is not like me.

 

The only thing I would suggest is to NOT get into the "but you were so cold after the miscarriage" thing just yet. It will feel like you are using that as an excuse to screw his best friend, and that could alienate him from you even further. Now is the time for you to accept complete responsibility for your cheating and if you can't or won't do that then stop wasting your time trying to reconcile.

[Kate.23987]

We both talked (rather, I listened) in the car park when we left the session. He said can you even imagine what this has done to us. I don't think you do. No matter what went on with us, I would never do this to you.

 

This is probably something I should have mentioned before. A year and a half into us dating, we got into a pretty huge fight and we broke up. I figured it would be one of those "we'll get back together in the morning not really a break up" kind of break up. To me it was, but to my then boyfriend it was a break up and he went out with the guys (which included Jason) and had a one night thing with a girl he met. It broke my heart but eventually I forgave him and we got back together.

 

I totally understand that a random girl and his best friend do not equal each other out. And two wrongs most certainly do not make a right. But this gives y'all more of an idea about our relationship and the kind of things we gone through together and survived.

[aliveagain]

I bet Jason was an instigator in both of those events, get Jason the hell out of your lives forever. You were not broken up with your husband when you banged his best friend, there is a difference.

[happysong]

We both talked (rather, I listened) in the car park when we left the session. He said can you even imagine what this has done to us. I don't think you do. No matter what went on with us, I would never do this to you.

 

This is probably something I should have mentioned before. A year and a half into us dating, we got into a pretty huge fight and we broke up. I figured it would be one of those "we'll get back together in the morning not really a break up" kind of break up. To me it was, but to my then boyfriend it was a break up and he went out with the guys (which included Jason) and had a one night thing with a girl he met. It broke my heart but eventually I forgave him and we got back together.

 

I totally understand that a random girl and his best friend do not equal each other out. And two wrongs most certainly do not make a right. But this gives y'all more of an idea about our relationship and the kind of things we gone through together and survived.

How did you know your husband had a one night fling? Did Jason told you that? LMAO.

 

I think your husband really wants to erase you in his life. Well this is understandable, you see my wife cheated on me and it was already a deal breaker. Now you add the other pain from betrayal of his bestfriend. Can you imagine that? He may forgive you but he will never forget. He may reconcile to you if you are lucky but surely will give you hell until he can no longer bear the pain and leave you anyway.

 

The best you can do is just ask for forgiveness and go away. If somehow you found a new love, never do the same mistake again .

[janedoe67]

 

This may well be the case. But if she is lucky, her husband will be a man like mine.

 

Every day I realize more and more how rare he is.

 

kate, just do what you know you should do. Be honorable. Be honest. Show the true remorse you feel. Work on yourself.

[Kate.23987]

Jason was not an instigator, we barely even knew each other. My husband told me when we were getting back together, of his own accord. I really don't think it is right to trivialize what happened. It hurt me a lot, regardless of our age.

[Sparty97]

And you were broken up at the time. It doesn't compare at all.

[whatatangledweb]

It wasn't the same thing but the pain is the same. You felt what he feels now to an extent. Adding the best friend makes that pain a great deal worse.

[Sparty97]

It wasn't the same thing but the pain is the same. You felt what he feels now to an extent. Adding the best friend makes that pain a great deal worse.

 

 

Why would the pain be the same? They weren't together.

[Trimmer]

Why would the pain be the same? They weren't together.

You know - the same . . . . but different.

[Zenstudent]

I encourage you not to try to compare pains - it rarely leads to any result. Pain is different from person to person, from situation to situation. It will not lead to anything productive - for posters or Kate.

 

Kate, try not to go back, try to stay in the present, decide what you want and work on the problems at hand, otherwise you won't be able to move on - whether alone or as a couple.

[whatatangledweb]

Why would the pain be the same? They weren't together.

 

She thought they were getting back together. That made her feel betrayed back then. So the pain of betrayal is the same.

[road]

She thought they were getting back together. That made her feel betrayed back then. So the pain of betrayal is the same.

 

 

Many a couple had said we are breaking up. Only to get back together. The problem is that one of them that very night or next one find a new F buddy. Or used the break up as an excuse to try the new person out so they can say they were not cheating. This a another reason why people should not date right after a break up. It only makes things harder to get back together again.

 

So yes the pain is just as bad because they feel as if they were cheated on. They have to face that as long as they are with their partner for the rest of their lives there will be the fact is that their partner had sex with someone else after their relationship not before it.

 

People can ignore their partners past lovers because that happened in past relationships. One can not ignore when a partner brings in a new lover after they knew them.

[Chi townD]

We both talked (rather, I listened) in the car park when we left the session. He said can you even imagine what this has done to us. I don't think you do. No matter what went on with us, I would never do this to you.

 

 

 

Out of anything you wrote, the bold is the most important thing. He needed to vent. He needed to talk. And regardless of what happened in the past, you're dealing with what is CURRENTLY going on. You slept with and spent an entire night with who he thought was his best friend.

 

Now, the way you're writing is like your trying to point fingers and you really want to call him a hypocrite. Betrayal is betrayal, but in comparison to what you both did is like comparing apples to oranges.

 

He knows that what happened in the past hurt you and maybe, just maybe it's the reason why he's still around and trying to work through this. So, there's no reason to bring it up. Again, it will look like you're pointing fingers which is something that you don't want to do right now.

 

I warned you that he may say things that hurt, that are vile and maybe some things that you don't agree with. But, now is not the time to debate what was wrong and what was right.

 

When push comes to shove, we're dealing with what's happening now.

 

Now, have you been accountable to him for your whereabouts? Are you actively doing things for him to SEE that you're trying to fix things? Are you reassuring him? Are you completely transparent to him?

[The Way I Am]

Kate, I completely get where you're coming from thinking he's being a bit hypocritical by saying he would never do this to you when he has has actually done something similar. That's a valid feeling, and you seem to understand that while similar, what you did was more hurtful because it was with his supposed best friend.

 

But I don't think you should bring up that past incident. Presumably, you chose to forgive him and move on or you two wouldn't be together now. If you want him to do the same for you, you shouldn't backtrack on that.

[Sparty97]

You know - the same . . . . but different.

 

So in English "different" in Woman "same"... got it.

[Sparty97]

She thought they were getting back together. That made her feel betrayed back then. So the pain of betrayal is the same.

 

She thought they were getting back together? So what? That is irrelevant to his behavior. If those are her feelings well that's tough. She can't fairly compare the two events.

[Sparty97]

Kate, I completely get where you're coming from thinking he's being a bit hypocritical by saying he would never do this to you when he has has actually done something similar. That's a valid feeling, and you seem to understand that while similar, what you did was more hurtful because it was with his supposed best friend.

 

But I don't think you should bring up that past incident. Presumably, you chose to forgive him and move on or you two wouldn't be together now. If you want him to do the same for you, you shouldn't backtrack on that.

 

But he hasn't done something similar. She had nothing to forgive him for as he did nothing wrong.

[atreides]

What has he done? Hooked up with a girl after they broke up? Thats not similar at all.

.

 

Exactly, in my opinion it's not even something to compere. It's all on her

[Coolit]

But he hasn't done something similar. She had nothing to forgive him for as he did nothing wrong.

 

While he didn't cheat or break vows at the time his actions were not good. The same day he breaks up he bangs another woman shows that he chose sex to deal with a difficult situation and as a way to cope. Sound familiar? Poor choice and hurtful. Lots of couples fight and storm off from each other with "we're over" said but not belived.

 

No, she cheated and he did not but he did betray her. Some might not see that but when your in a ltr and your so screws someone inmediently after breaking up it is basically them telling you that you are worthless and they put no inportance on the relationship... Sound familiar?No, she should not brin it up or compare the two.

 

What she should do is remember the pain she felt when that happened and then magnify it 100fold and imagine how her H must feel tortured.

[The Way I Am]

But the two situations are not similar in any way shape or form. He didn't cheat on her.

 

By that logic, if I break up with my boyfriend right now, go screw some other guy then get back together with my bf after a couple days, he'd have no reason to feel hurt. Is that really what you think? Because that sounds like a free pass to screw whoever you want if you just say you're broken up first.

[Sparty97]

By that logic, if I break up with my boyfriend right now, go screw some other guy then get back together with my bf after a couple days, he'd have no reason to feel hurt. Is that really what you think? Because that sounds like a free pass to screw whoever you want if you just say you're broken up first.

 

If he chose to get back together with you then yes. But if it actually hurt her why did she let it go? I get the sense it hurts her now out of convenience.