Author Kate.23987 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 The problem with this forum is, most of the betrayed will overlook anything no matter how bad and blame the cheat. There's little compassion here. It's like everyone is cold bar few because of what happened to them. Well your partner cheated mine did too but OP lost a baby and had no support from her husband. If you've not been in that situation how can you possibly know how awful it feels? I can't believe people are ignoring what OP is saying but only seeing what they want to see I CHEATED. Thank you, it's nice to know someone understands. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 More than likely the best friend will be eaten up with guilt and his conscience will make him confess. That is only one possible reason that the so called best friend would tell the husband. Another possible reason would be that now that the wife knows how he feels and has confirmed that she has feelings for him to, he can no longer stand around and not be jealous as he watches the husband be with her. He would thus tell the husband with the intent of forcing the wife to choose, knowing that with the husband's legitimate feeling of betrayal, that he may just get the wife by default. Regardless of the reason, I agree that no matter what the so called best friend promised the wife, he will probability tell the husband if the wife does not beat him to the punch. Link to post Share on other sites
affairaddict Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 I'm not approving of her behaviour at all cheating is wrong and she should own up . She feels bad , remorse. That's a good thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 I don't have feelings for Jason at all, he's a nice person, but I do not like him like that. Maybe Jason has feelings for me but he has never given me reason to think so. I find the whole notion rather ridiculous. It was a one time thing, a stupid, drunken mistake that we both regret. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 First, I am very sorry what you have gone through. Nevertheless you have engaged in the worst double betrayal imaginable. Your husband is at home while you are having sex with his best friend. You have damaged your marriage, put your health at risk for STD's and have forever changed the relationship your husband had with his best friend. If you deliberately went out to destroy your relationship with your husband then you could have not done it any better. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Don't you feel at the very least that your husband deserves the truth from you. If and when he finds out down the road he will never forgive you for not telling him and allowing him to be humiliated not only by you but by his best friend. When he finds out he will feel that you and the best friend have had this little secret and he will be humiliated and mortified that you allowed him to continue his friendship with his best friend without him knowing. What you need to do is take responsibility for your actions. 1. Get tested for STD's. You better hope you did not get pregnant. 2. Tell your husband immediately. I suggest that you write a letter and hand it to him to read. You are not thinking straight. When he finds out later all will be lost for you. This is your only chance. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Ok. The husband is in a serious funk. He broods and is sulking around and is acting in a terrible manner. He's obviously hurting and needs to seek some help. Now does he go get professional help or some bimbo down the street? You need help also and you chose his best friend and it's one thing to talk to him, another to undress and jump into bed. You created a big mess. Not only cheating but with his best friend and now you have to come clean. Think he was in a bad mood before? You in for a ton of "You ain't seen nothing yet" and I don't know how your going to dig your way out of this one. With one zip of the pants, he lost his wife and best friend. Real good choice. Real good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 (edited) Same thing happened to my female cousin and she didn't seek validation (''compassion'') from another man. Not seeking choosing to seek validation from a destructive source doesn't mean that there's no need for validation when you're at a low point. Hence why I said OP needs to figure out why acted the way she did when she could have taken a healthier, more productive course of action. Who knows? Maybe you have too much free time on your hands, maybe you had a bet with your buddies. You tell us. Do you have some evidence that this isn't for real? If so, use that "alert us" button on her post. Calling someone a troll is as far as I know still against LS guidelines. If you're going to violate the guidelines and call someone a troll, you could at least offer up the evidence to support your accusation. Edited August 24, 2013 by The Way I Am 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 I don't have feelings for Jason at all, he's a nice person, but I do not like him like that. Maybe Jason has feelings for me but he has never given me reason to think so. I find the whole notion rather ridiculous. It was a one time thing, a stupid, drunken mistake that we both regret. You f*cked him... it's not that ridiculous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 The problem with this forum is, most of the betrayed will overlook anything no matter how bad and blame the cheat. There's little compassion here. It's like everyone is cold bar few because of what happened to them. Well your partner cheated mine did too but OP lost a baby and had no support from her husband. If you've not been in that situation how can you possibly know how awful it feels? I can't believe people are ignoring what OP is saying but only seeing what they want to see I CHEATED. She claims she got no support from her husband. That's her side of it, and given that she is here seeking sympathy it is in her best interest to portray herself in the best possible light. He didn't care... I was drunk... yada yada yada. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 I'm new to the site, it was relevant to all three categories, that's why I posted it. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 (edited) This is why it happened. Is not just because I wanted to get laid or whatever.. as a lot of people I here think.... Not everyone deals with pain the same way. It was not just you that were hurt when you lost the baby. Your husband suffered this lose too. As you yourself said "Not everyone deals with pain in the same way", and your husband's way of dealing with pain is different than yours in that he does not want to talk about it, while you do. Both methods of dealing with pain are common and legitimate. You using this as a reason to talk to someone else is one thing. You trying to use this as an excuse to have sex with his best friend is a totally different thing, and does not wash. You did not have to betray your husband, but you did. You could have talked to family members and friends, or gotten therapy, if you needed to talk it out. Betraying your husband is never a legitimate method of dealing with your pain, especially in light of the fact that he was dealing with the same pain as you. Now not only did he lose a baby, but he has also been betrayed by the two most important people in his life, his wife and what he thought was his best friend. Your pain over the loss of the baby does not trump your husband's pain over the loss, and does not give you the right to cheat. When the day comes that your husband finds out, if you still think that it does and state it to him the way that you have stated it to us, your marraige will be over for sure. He will never be able to forgive you because you would be making excuses instead of asking for forgiveness. He will not have the option to forgive you if you did not even ask to be forgiven with no excuses for the betrayal. You telling your husband the excuse that you told us, is telling him that you think that it is OK to betray him in the future when the chips are down again. Tell your husband and beg for forgiveness without excuse. Edited August 24, 2013 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 How about posting same crap in three places and only seeking for approval of others? I don't know why that would be evidence that the story is made up. A person with a story about seeking validation in unhealthy ways continuing to seek validation from random online people isn't exactly unrealistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 I did that. He wanted nothing to do with me after the miscarriage, after a few days or so. And any time I tried to talk to him he insulted me and belittled me. A few days? What was the timeline here? Time between miscarriage and affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 I miscarried 3 and a half months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 I miscarried 3 and a half months ago. And when was the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Back to the original topic, Kate, why did you choose to go to the guy's house and start drinking? Unless you're like 19, I don't believe you had no idea what was likely to happen. You chose to be open to the possibility of cheating on your husband the moment you headed for the friend's house -- if not before that. Did you consider the consequences before you chose to go to the this man's house? Did you go there knowing it could end your marriage and not care? Did you go because you knew it could end your marriage and were looking for a way out? Are you the sort of person who doesn't consider how your actions will affect other people? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 tell him and devastate him, sorry, but just think of husband's pain if the confessing goes ahead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Why not invite your best friend over and supply the alcohol, leave her there with your husband while you run errands. Maybe your approach will work for him too, what do you think? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 Two days ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 I think whether you tell or not depends on what you really want. If you want a marriage where you punish each other for mistakes by "getting each other back" in sneaky ways- dont tell. If you want a marriage where you both own up to and are accountable for mistakes- tell him the whole truth. Nothing you can do can make him feel accountable for his poor treatment of you after the miscarriage (I'm very sorry you had to go through that, especially without the support of the one person who should have really been there for you) You can't control him or his actions. But you can react in ways that indicate your desire to bring you two closer together. Having an affair does not fit in that category. At this point you have the same choice- do what it takes to get the courage to be honest and follow through with being genuine and authentic in your remorse for your bad decision- and get closer to him (if he reciprocates) Or keep your secret, carry the burden of the guilt, don't work through your issues with him, pretend everything is ok and you were justified, don't own up to it- and continue to feel lonely in your own marriage. Your choice Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 Back to the original topic, Kate, why did you choose to go to the guy's house and start drinking? Unless you're like 19, I don't believe you had no idea what was likely to happen. You chose to be open to the possibility of cheating on your husband the moment you headed for the friend's house -- if not before that. Did you consider the consequences before you chose to go to the this man's house? Did you go there knowing it could end your marriage and not care? Did you go because you knew it could end your marriage and were looking for a way out? Are you the sort of person who doesn't consider how your actions will affect other people? I didn't see him as someone who has sexual intentions with me. I saw him as a friend, someone to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Two days ago. I think you behavior is classic passive aggressive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Sounds like his "best friend" was hardly a friend at all. I don't know who is more pathetic in this situation, you or him. I agree with the other poster in that I have zero sympathy for you. Next. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 I didn't see him as someone who has sexual intentions with me. I saw him as a friend, someone to talk to. Now that you know that he has sexual intentions with you, what are you going to do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kate.23987 Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 (edited) Maybe you're right. I just find it a bit unfair that ALL of the blame for this is being placed on my shoulders. I'm not tying to act like a child by pointing the finger upon everyone else, but I do think some responsibility has to be placed elsewhere. It takes two people to have sex right? And there are only so many times a person can be beaten (metaphorically speaking) at a time when they are already vulnerable before they act out. I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR MYSELF. But other factors do have to be taken into consideration. I wouldn't just cheat on my husband because I wanted to hurt him, why would I hurt him, I love him. It wasn't intentional and I think that's a HUGE point that y'all are missing. Edited August 24, 2013 by Kate.23987 Spelling mistake 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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