I trust no one...Please help...Long post.

[mandimay]

I will try my best to make this short...

 

Hi to all and thanks in advance for your advice. I am Mandi, a 31 year old single mom. My problem is jealousy, primarily, but also drama. I can't seem to get enough of it...

 

To begin, I was married at the age of 18, already pregnant with my 1st son. The relationship was very abusive and I was cheated on 3 times. Toward the end of our 6 years together, I had 2 sons. Our youngest was 4 months old when I kicked him out (five days after finding that he was seeing a much older married woman.)

 

I remarried 2 years later. My second husband was not bad to me at all. He wasn't "great" to me, but he was not at all abusive. I never dealt with the pain from my first marriage, and think this is the reason I didn't trust him. Accusations were a daily occurance. Then...we got a computer. I learned how to log archives and checked on them daily. It was a horrible obsession. I quickly found that I had reason to not trust him. Daily he would talk to other females in ways he should have only been talking to me. I also found he was stealing gobs of money from me (ebay mainly). He didn't work, yet was spending my savings like we were millionaires. We separated in July of 2003. Our divorce should be final in December.

 

I spent several months in a depression...and then I met Jeff. To say I was on the rebound is an understatement... But Jeff was incredible. He seemed to be the person I had always been looking for. He is loving, sweet, wants to physically spoil me all the time and told me how incredible and beautiful I was. When I was laid off from my job, too much in debt from money taken from my 2nd husband and could not catch up, I ended up losing my home. Jeff lived 200 miles south of me. I could go there and search for a job...or I could move 75 miles north to a very good paying job I had already been offered. I chose to move towards Jeff. My sons loved him and I did also. He was my "dream mate", after all.

 

Now, I am here. I had a hard time finding a job but now work from home making 3 times what a did from my old residence. Money is better. The location is better. But I am not better.

 

Jeff, my sweetheart, was in a 12 year relationship (3 children from this marriage) with someone he loved but who repeatedly cheated on him. She seemed to be addicted to the bar scene, so many times he would have to go out in the middle of the night (when she had said she would be home by 10) looking for her in downtown Atlanta. He would eventually find her...typically with another man or dancing on a bar etc. He got to the point of recording phone conversations secretly where he heard her bragging to a friend about an affair she was having. This eventually ended the marriage. Due to this, he lacks trust also.

 

In the beginning I decided I would not show jealousy in this relationship. Yea, whatever. I am. I not only check up on Jeff (emails, listen to the old tapes, etc.) and I analyze every word, trying to find fault. I have this problem that I cannot accept that things are just "okay". If things seem "good" I have to find some small issue, and because of my experience with this I can relay this small issue in a way that makes it seem valid and major. Ex: When we met Jeff was ending a relationship with an obsessed ex girlfriend who would not seem to go away. She would come to his home daily and call on his cell when he and I were together. He even gave the phone to me once and let me answer when she called. She hung up. I made the issue huge...as in "I was a replacement for her. You found something "better" and got rid of her. So you will do the same to me."

 

Jeff also likes that I am 200 miles away from home, therefore away from ex's and away from friends with ties to my ex's. I never go anywhere without him...but the thought of me making a friend in my new town and going out for dinner with a gal pal concerns him. It just so happens I am a home body. But what if I wanted to go out? He would be afraid the entire time that my friend will try to convince me to cheat on him. (See? there I go looking for reasons to see Jeff in a bad light.)

 

Jeff and I are engaged. We are supposed to get married in March of 2005. Yet everyday I find myself looking for a reason to just say "to hell with it" and walk away. When I am sitting alone with him I just look at him and realize how much I love him. and I KNOW he wouldn't go out looking for someone else. He is truly happy with me. So how do I stop feeling this need to check up on him...and make issues out of every small little thing that goes wrong? I promised two days ago to stop the jealousy and checking up and he said last night how great he felt that the past 2 days had gone by so perfectly for us. I was proud of myself. Yet this morning I found myself with my keylogger program, ready to install it "just to be sure." Please someone give me advice.

[MeanNewYorker]

I think the answer lies within yourself. Trust is something that needs to be earned. You have first have to figure out within yourself how your trust is earned.

 

I understand you've been burned many times in the past and you certainly don't want to again. But, you have to know what it will take for you to trust him. He hasn't done anything to make you not trust him, your problem is what has happened to you in the past and you are therefore acting accordingly.

 

Think about it like this. Focus on all the positives about this guy and all the great things you love about him and let that be a motivation for how you approach your trust of the man. If your mindset is to consistently find issues from nothing, you lose HIS trust. He seems like a standup guy who cares about you, why should you be jealous of such a man? If anything you have reason to trust him and grow with him.

 

Good luck

[mandimay]

You are right. He is a great man. All of my life I have wanted someone like him. Everyday he does something to show me how much he loves me. I'll just catch him staring at me all the time and when I look at him he will say "God, I love this woman." or "You are so beautiful". Two days ago I told him "You have done nothing wrong. My checking up is at no fault of yours. It's an issue I have to deal with." He asked if I would be willing to speak to someone about these issues and even called a local office to see if they would be willing to talk to me. He came in the room with a toll free number and a name and said, "Here...Call her. She will help you." For my birthday on November 2nd we were a little low on cash...He went to Bath and Bodyworks and purchased some massage oil and gave me a 1 1/2 hour massage with waterfall sounds and soft music playing in the background.

 

When I think about all the things it appears insane that I would want to create issues with him. When I had no food 4 months ago he bought groceries for my children and I. When I lost my home he drove 200 miles to help me pack and opened his home to me and my 2 children.

 

I can't understand my screwed up reasoning. It's almost as if I feel that if I give in and say "There is nothing to worry about...relax" it will suddenly all go wrong and I will be blind-sided again. That is my fear. Dropping my guard and then realizing that nothing was really as it seems.

 

Perhaps this therapist would be an excellent idea.

 

Thanks so much for you advice.