In deep ...need advice

[Sweetz]

Here is my story. I am married five years and have been having affairs with 3 different men in four of those years. My husband has no clue and doesn’t suspect that I would or have done this. If he found out, it would kill him. He is my best friend and I know he will always be a part of my life, but the reason I do this is for physical needs. We split up once for a few months because I wanted to move on but things lead us back to each other. The bad thing is the last guy is a friend of his that he works with and looks up to who hit on me and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I’ve been seeing him off and on for two years but need to end this. The hard part is my husband talks about this guy all the time and I have to keep a straight face about it and it’s becoming impossible for me to do. Do I tell him? I know it will forever ruin my respect with his family and mine. I have really messed this up. I know I sound like a mess because I am. My husband and I don’t really have a good sex life and never have. Everything else is pretty good but that part. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets mad and feels like I am putting him down. I wanted to teach him some things but he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. He’s not as emotional or touch feely as me either. So my question is, do I keep this to myself? Or do I tell him? If I tell him he will hate me and his friend I know this but I have already made my mistake and need to take responsibility for it.

[Sukotto]

Well first end it with his friend and make sure he knows its final.

 

Now confessing, thats really down to you. I personally wouldn't but will his friend tell him when you end it? If so then you should be telling him what you've done and its down to the sex life and he might have a little understanding. He'll then probably go off the handle for a few days, not talking etc but you need to stick in there since he'll finally come around.

 

When he does then I suggest some counselling for the two of you to help you get this relationship to work, he should be open to criticism.

[Sweetz]

I definitely need to end it. I am more sure now that ever. We fell in love with each other a few years back but knew we couldnt be together so he called it quits and left me hanging high and dry. He comes back into the picture but this time emotionally we aren't as tied up. That doesn't make it right, but I am just explaining the situation.

 

I am terrified if he finds out. I have come close to telling him but haven't. It's just so hard. I don't think he will leave me. His friend will never tell him. His reputation in his work would be destroyed so he wouldn't do that. The hard part is if I don't tell him he keeps thinking this guy is so great and will help him advance in his career and such and such.

 

But thank you for your advice. Anymore I would appreciate.

[VivianLee]

First of all, I hope you used protection with these other men, if not, get tested!! Were/are they married also?

 

Why did you marry your husband?? Didn't you know that he wasn't "that great in bed"?

 

Do you think you should be married? 3 men in 5 years sounds like you just weren't ready to settle down. I'm sure if you divorced he could remain your "best friend" (if you don't tell him about the other men)....

 

I wouldn't not dare tell him about his friend. It's bad enough you are doing this to him but then to tell him about it? I mean unless you have exposed him to a STD, don't hurt him just to get this off your chest. Why would you tell him anyway?

 

Seriously get counseling and decide if you really want to be married right now. All I see your doing is hurting this man.

[Sweetz]

Vivian, your points are well taken. Thank you.

 

Why did I marry? I was coming out of a bad relationship and here was this great guy waiting for me who wanted to settle down who I didn't want to take a chance in losing if I waited. Very selfish I know. Did I know his bed skills at the time? Yes of course. But I guess I overlooked it. I had never cheated until I got married. I guess I didn't think I could do this to him back then.

 

I have brought up divorce many times to him and even moved out once. It's always easier to say do it than it is to actually do it. But it is something to consider. It's just so painful.

 

You are right. I would tell him just to get if off my chest, again selfish reasons. If I don't tell him he will never find out. I guess he doesn't need to know right now. Or ever maybe. And yes two of the 3 guys were married also.

[Sukotto]

Well ask yourself this question. Do you still want to make your marriage work?

 

If its yes then you should go see a counselor on your own and they can listen to you confess about your affairs and give you some proper advice on how to tackle them, it could more than just issues in the bedroom etc.

 

Once you feel better about that then you need to do some of couples counselling to get your marriage back on track, you could read <URL removed> and look through the sections on communication and try to build a successful marriage.

 

You at least owe it to him to make an attempt to change the way your marriage is currently heading rather than moving out.

[jmargel]

I wanted to teach him some things but he didn’t want to hear what I had to say.

 

Oh, so since he didn't get 'taught' you cheated on him? You ARE NOT HIS TEACHER! You are his wife, start acting like one. You don't know what the concept of marriage is. Cheating on him for four years out of the five? You think he's going to stay with you? Who do you think you are? You think you are the only chick out there for him?

 

If sex was the only problem, then you should have addressed in it a way that didn't make him feel like he was disappointing you, that's why he got defensive. The reason why you two never had a good sex life was probably because he picked up on the senses that something was wrong. Sexual problems most of the time are a result of either mental or emotional turmoil in a relationship. That's not too hard to figure out.

 

You need to break it off with this other guy, and tell your husband. Not only have you disrespected him and showed hate towards him but you spit on your vows. Actions speak louder than words and there is nothing you can say to him or probably to us at this point that will make us believe you will change. You have been nothing but selfish in this.

 

You need to tell your husband with the understanding that you are not doing this to get him back. There is a greater probability he will leave you. But you have no choice, unless you want to live a life under lies, and him living a life under false pretense. He deserves to be given the chance to make his own decision on this, not to be forced to stay with you because you will not tell him. By not telling him you are continuing to disgrace your marriage, your vows (whatever is left of it). You are NOT protecting him by not telling him. You are making the hurt even worse, he just doesn't know where it's coming from, yet he still feels the pain. It's time to tell him where the source of this hurt is from.

 

If for some reason he decides to try to work on things, your best course of action is marriage counseling, because frankly you two will not stay together without it.

 

I just can't believe how selfish some people are. The reason why I am so tough on you right now is because I had the same thing happen to me with my ex-fiancee. You have NO idea about how this destroys ALL of your trust in people. Without trust you don't have a relationship.

 

Good luck, because you really are going to need it.

[Sweetz]

I can't argue with any of the points made here. Yes, I screwed up. Big time. I know this is more than sexual for me even though that's my claim. I ask myself if I was with someone else would this happen? I don’t know for sure but it’s possible. This all stems from me and I realize that. I really do now hearing it from you guys. I was naïve and stupid and realize it now but it’s already done and I can’t go back to undo it so I need to move forward with the right actions. I guess I always thought the grass could be greener on the other side. I always seek out men that seem to be unavailable and in positions of power. Perhaps that tells me something about what I am after or looking for outside of myself. I can sit here and tell you all that I grew up in a very strict household and always had to follow everyone’s rules. Somewhere along the lines I said “screw it” and decided that this was OK to do. I know being an adult is a bit late for rebellion and this doesn’t make it ok but it’s how I think I got to where I am.

 

Do I want my marriage to work? Yes, I do. Perhaps a counselor wouldn’t be such a bad thought for me at this time. I know I can’t do this alone. I am weak.

 

You are right and I need to hear that I have failed. Otherwise I don’t see how I can change. I do need to learn how to be a wife and how to work a marriage. I accept my faults and now is the time for me to start changing them. It’s now or never. I just don’t think I can tell him the truth right now still.

[jmargel]

Well then my first suggestion would be to call a local hospital and ask for references for good licensed marriage counselors. Do this today. Setup an appointment and tell them everything you told us. They will guide you and help you build up the courage to tell him. Remember, now is the time to do this. You both have alot of healing to do.

[havNfun]

He's probably not better in the bedroom because he knows deep down he has a cheating wife that has no character or respect. Cheating on your husband is the worst form of disrespect. You say that you don't talk to him more about techniques to improve the sex life because it makes him feel bad. So, out of the kindness of your heart you avoid that and instead get together with a friend and co-worker of his? Out of compassion you not only completely betray him, but, destroy his friendships (probably) too? I would not be so harsh on you, maybe, if you messed up one time. But you've had 3 affairs and don't sound too regretful of it. Why in the world are you married? I don't think this situation has anything to do with your husband. I don't believe you should be married to ANYBODY including your current husband, until you can develop more mature understanding of marriage so you realize there are more important things to share - like love, respect, joy, etc. Generally, I'm guessing, women that are sluty do not make the best wives.

 

As far as advice: I would tell him so he knows what kind of wife he has. Aside from that, I think bad Karma will probably settle the score with you.

 

good luck

[Cecelius]

Holy ---

 

WOW.

 

His friend? I'm not sure of a better way to try to castrate a man than what you've done.

 

I've said it before -- posts like this make me understand why so many men don't get married.

[Sweetz]

I am so through with this!!!! I can't continue like this. I better quit while I am ahead here. You guys may be harsh but it's the truth. And I have yet to hear it from anyone. I will be a wreck until I figure out what to do. You have no idea how much just posting this today has affected how I feel about myself and my life. Seriously.....

[havNfun]

Well ****,

 

Now I feel bad because you are owning up to it. Perhaps you aren't a bad person. Perhaps you just shouldn't have gotten married. May I ask if you have been married before? and, May I ask your approximate age?

 

Thanks

[Sweetz]

This was my 2nd serious relationship ever and I married him. He's my first marriage. I am in my late 20s.

 

And there is no need to feel bad. If anyone feels bad, it should be me!!!

[havNfun]

Well,

I think that does shed more light on things. It is a bit different that if you had been married before or if you have had enough serious relationships to know better. Also, you were in your early 20s when you married him I'm guessing. Yes, you did make a mistake I believe. But, one due to lack of maturity and experience perhaps, rather than lack of having a good heart. It sounds like you realize that you shouldn't have gotten married when you did. I am sure that next time you will wait until you know in your soul that you are ready to be a wife, and faithful, before you get married again (assuming this current marriage doesn't work out - which I don't see how it can), but perhaps you have a saint for a husband.

 

I do respect that you are completely owning up to what you have done. Many are more defensive and you know that they will never change, because they will never admit to themselves that they truly did anything wrong. Three affairs is enough now sweetz, time to grow.

 

havN

[Sweetz]

I have a lot of soul searching to do within myself. I struggle within myself to find happiness so I am sure this has little to do with who I am married to. It just seems like the easy way out. Not to say that it doesn't factor into things but to do what I did, it's not right. I have not been caught yet so it's not like I am trying to change because of that. I just fear what it's going to continue to do to me as a woman, and my husband as a man and us as a couple.

[Sweetz]

havn

 

Thank you for your responses.

 

My plan now is:

 

get counseling for myself

not tell my husband about this ( I may take this to my grave)

learn how to work a marriage and be a wife

stop being selfish and justifying everything for my own needs

 

It's going to be a long journey but I think I am ready finally. It's now or never. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I hope someone reading this learns from my mistakes.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I believe in honesty and out of respect you need to tell your husband so he can decide how he wishes to live his life and if he wishes to continue in the marriage.

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish your spouse to be honest and upfront with you?

I have always followed this idea if I am unsure of my behavior just following this advise: Would I want my spouse to do to me what I am thinking of doing to them. If you follow this thought you would probably not get in trouble.

 

The question is really that of respect toward yourself, your marriage and your husband. Do you wish to be thought of as a person who has respect for people who love you and admire you or do you wish to be thought of as a person who is selfish and has a broken moral compass? The choice is yours. Do you wish to have honesty and truth in your life and marriage or a life of lies, dishonesty and betrayal? I hope today is the start of truth, openness and honesty for yourself and your husband. I wish you luck.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Good luck Sweetz. I know what it's like to get no response from your partner. I've cheated as well (4 times) in my 13 year marriage, AND we have kids - how selfish is that! We are splitting up now.

 

I think the reason the responses sound so harsh is because they know you can make this work. You can do it! I didn't receive nearly as harsh responses to my posts, and maybe these people could tell I was a lost cause.

 

All the best to you.

[havNfun]

Exactly!

 

You are wise to realize that things like this work against you even if nobody ever knows. Because - YOU KNOW. As you go through life, things that you do that you know are not good, eat away at you - erode your self esteem, and weave their way into your whole self-concept. Your diminishing respect for yourself, will very subtly be communicated to others as you interact in the world, and their subtle responses to that will chip away at your self worth. It is amazing how others, subconsciously perhaps, know how much wrong people have done often, even if they haven't been told. So, I think you are right in letting this have a profound effect on how you think of yourself right now. The more powerfully you realize the depth of your errors, the better chance there is that you can change. If you truly change on the inside, you can forgive yourself and save your esteem and self-worth from destruction. You probably will have to tell your husband regardless of weather you wish to stay married or not. But, this is more important in order to come clean with yourself, than it is important for his sake perhaps.

 

havN

[Sweetz]

Thank you. I will need all the luck I can get! The thought of actually having to sit down and figure out how and what to do next is just killing me inside. But what did I expect? I fear what is going to happen next.

[Sweetz]

havN

 

I feel as if I have aged ten years in the last few because I carry this secret. I haven't told a soul, not one! That's the hard part is keeping a straight face and you are right, people pick up on that whether you tell them what is going on or not.

 

Honestly, I don't think I will ever have the courage to tell my husband what I did. It's that bad! I can only imagine what it will do to his image of his friend and how it will affect that part of him. Because they are in the same line of work, and bound to run into each other in future trips etc, this is a lot more that comes into play.

[Sweetz]

Not to mention the affect it has had on my career and personal goals. It has really consumed me so much for the last few years that I feel it has affected my work ethics and thus holding me back further in that aspect of my life.

 

And what pisses me out the most is to think this OM does not give a crap about how this is affecting me. He's married and has a wife who suspects he cheats but because he's so well off, she turns her head. I am sure he doesn't give a crap about how she feels either. We use to be friends, his wife and I until she suspected that something was going on. We are no longer friends and she has no clue I am in contact with her husband.

 

THIS IS CRAZY $HIT! WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING FOR SO LONG?

[jmargel]

Sweetz you need to take this step by step. Like I said, call the hospital TODAY for references for a marriage counselor. You don't have to tell your husband today, but you need to start treating him better. During counseling there will be a point where the counselor will probably suggest that in order for things to get better, you must deal with the past, in telling him everything. We don't know what he's going to do, that's only upto him. What I can guarantee is that he's going to be in shock for awhile, and yes he's going to be very, very angry and upset.

 

Havn has given some good advice, which you should take. Not knowing the unexpected, the future is frightful, but imagine what your husband is going through now. Make that phone call today.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Sweetz

THIS IS CRAZY $HIT! WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING FOR SO LONG?

 

 

amazing isnt it?....when the truth sets in....and you finaly feel it.

 

 

You will get thru this......marriage is hard work....but its worth it. Your emotional roller coaster ride is just beginning........Dont give up and stay strong...becasue you will need all of it to get thru this.

 

I would highly suggest professional counseling.....my wife and I are in it....and it is the best thing we have ever done to help rebuild our marriage relationship....

 

I wish you luck.....listen to your heart...and let it lead you to the right thing.