That pang of jealousy.

[miss_jaclynrae]

No offense intended, honest question: Why the complete lack of friends? Did you move here recently? Or do you mean that they're all just away on vacation or something before school resumes?

 

I have NEVER had a large group of friends in all honesty. Just my one best friend. She is all gung ho for me to find someone new right now though and has a baby, so while I totally would go out with her, she isn't really up for it... and neither am I to be honest.

 

If this experience is telling you something, it's telling you to make new friends and that you're too dependent on him for your happiness.

 

Divert yourself with interests and if you don't have any, get some, NOW. School starts soon and when that happens, you can create a new social network.

 

I'm pushing you girl. Do it!

 

I am well aware, that was one of the goals of both of us. He doesn't have friends either, which is why it was probably so easy to go. I just have to keep telling myself that this limbo is all temporary.

 

Some times you have to rediscover and old friend. You only need one.

 

No real old friends to discover, another difficult thing is, well I don't have a car...

[tbf]

I am well aware, that was one of the goals of both of us. He doesn't have friends either, which is why it was probably so easy to go. I just have to keep telling myself that this limbo is all temporary.

If you're well aware of cause and solution, then why all the emotionalism? Why not put all that emotion to action and get'er done?

[Star Gazer]

You don't have a car? How are you getting around?? Public transportation ain't really easy around here...

[miss_jaclynrae]

If you're well aware of cause and solution, then why all the emotionalism? Why not put all that emotion to action and get'er done?

 

Because I am a huge emotional baby.

Once school starts, I plan on keeping myself very very busy.

 

You don't have a car? How are you getting around?? Public transportation ain't really easy around here...

 

 

OMG. Tell me about it, not sure if you remember, but back in april I lost my job and my car in the same week. Luckily he had his bike and his car, but he sold them both for this trip. The goal was to go the year without one so that when he gets home we can get an actual DECENT car.

 

And yes. Public transportation. Now you know what I am up against.

[tbf]

Because I am a huge emotional baby.

Once school starts, I plan on keeping myself very very busy.

At least you're an honest one.

 

((hugs))

[Star Gazer]

Okay, bear with me here.

 

You can't predict what will happen in a year. You can only hope for the best and keep an open heart.

 

As such, I don't think you should put your life on hold while he's away, including waiting an entire year to get a car - with him. That's just... bad news.

 

Get a crap car if you most, but something to help you with your independence.

[anna121]

It's a tough situation. Very, very hard to be left.

 

It would be one thing if he was feeling really alienated. My H spent a year in Japan and found it so stressful and foreign, he wasn't all immersed in it for a long time.

 

But...Paris is pretty f-ing awesome, so I can see him getting a bit caught up.

 

I agree with the advice to set a couple of times in the week for a call.

 

You said school starts Monday? Good. Make every effort you can to connect with people.

 

LDRs are really,really tough if you can't see each other reasonably often.

 

Not trying to discourage you...just saying.

[Els]

Yeah, I second what SG is saying, really.

 

I can understand wanting to 'do without' for a year until he comes back so you can afford to get a better car together then, but I really don't think it's the best choice to do so.

 

Do what you need to do now, for you. If things work out, great, but if they don't, at least you will have made some progress with your own life rather than putting it all on hold for something that may or may not happen in the future.

 

I really don't want to sound mean, but honestly, this R has been less than a year. You can't put your life on hold for a year for a R that hasn't even been around that long, y'know? If both of you had been together for several years, or had joint finances, or were married, or all of the above, it might be prudent to wait, but in this case I really think you should just get your car, without him.

[tbf]

Just wanted to point back to over-dependency where the car is another example of this. How did you get so dependent on him, knowing he would be leaving to go to school abroad?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Okay, bear with me here.

 

You can't predict what will happen in a year. You can only hope for the best and keep an open heart.

 

As such, I don't think you should put your life on hold while he's away, including waiting an entire year to get a car - with him. That's just... bad news.

 

Get a crap car if you most, but something to help you with your independence.

 

 

Trust me when I say I would if I could. Not really financially smart for me right now though. All the extra money I have right now is going towards fixing my completely effed up teeth.

 

That is actually the main reason, us wanting to get a car together was just the back up plan since we both knew I wouldn't have one now.

 

 

 

Yeah, I second what SG is saying, really.

 

I can understand wanting to 'do without' for a year until he comes back so you can afford to get a better car together then, but I really don't think it's the best choice to do so.

 

Do what you need to do now, for you. If things work out, great, but if they don't, at least you will have made some progress with your own life rather than putting it all on hold for something that may or may not happen in the future.

 

I really don't want to sound mean, but honestly, this R has been less than a year. You can't put your life on hold for a year for a R that hasn't even been around that long, y'know? If both of you had been together for several years, or had joint finances, or were married, or all of the above, it might be prudent to wait, but in this case I really think you should just get your car, without him.

 

Me wanting to do without a year isn't just so we can get one together when he gets back. With all my extra money this year, I am putting it into my teeth. Not waiting isn't really an option anyways. Besides, I actually don't mind. I save a TON of money, no insurance, no gas, and I get to ride the bus for free. It sucks company wise because it takes a lot more work to see people... but gotta make sacrafices in life.

 

Just wanted to point back to over-dependency where the car is another example of this. How did you get so dependent on him, knowing he would be leaving to go to school abroad?

 

I was very independent when I met him, I had a job, car, and my best friend was kidless. Life happens though, 4 months in I lost my car, lost my job. Emotionally I have become very dependent, but that isn't exactly something we planned, it was the same for both of us. He has one best friend with a kid, I have one best friend with a kid. Naturally, we became best friends, and spent every moment together, we couldn't get enough of it. Him going to france seemed so far from when we first met, the process had started, but I had no idea we would fall so in love with each other.

 

Luckily I had some savings and was able to get unemployment, and vehicle wise, since I wasn't working and started school full time... it worked out alright. Was NEVER financially dependent, vehicle wise he let me use it a few times, but I pretty much still didn't have one. Since he had his bike, if we ever had to go anywhere I either used public transportation or he was always able to take me.

 

If things ended right now nothing would be different. I have my own place and take care of everything myself.

 

Emotionally though? Yeah, that man means my everything.

I do have hobbies, photography, and school is great. Life isn't much different now as it was when he was home, I just miss him like crazy.

[tbf]

All the extra money I have right now is going towards fixing my completely effed up teeth.

Are these necessary dental treatments? If not, put them on hold and get a car.

[Keenly]

If you do not suppress these feelings abs remember that you two are in this together and for the real thing, your mind is going to rip this relationship apart. This is a lot like what happened s when soldiers go to war leaving their women behind. You have to push on. You have to keep going. You can't let these toxic thoughts take over your thinking because when you do, you will become emotional, and when you become emotional, arguments will erupt. You are not wrong for wanting a Skype night but you also can't demand that he comply with that.

 

You have to trust each other.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Are these necessary dental treatments? If not, put them on hold and get a car.

 

Yes.

trust me, I would if I wasn't dying of pain all the time.

 

 

 

I have already spent 3,000 on them.

[Els]

Ah, fair enough, if you're holding back due to needing the cash for other necessities.

 

We're back to you trying to get more friends (albeit with public transport), and talking to him about needing more communication, then.

 

I really don't think that you're expecting too much from him - the opposite, really. So go out and do your own thing more often so you can depend on him less; but on the other hand, if he can't even compromise and get some form of regular communication going after settling down there, I think you may need to reevaluate his level of investment in your R.

 

I do hope you find some new friends when school starts, and that he'll see reason and actually put in a bit of effort to talk to you.

[sweetjasmine]

No classes yet. Right now just an activity each day with the group. Student housing so he has a room mate which sucks too.

He isn't always out until three. I also have been exaggerating, because now that I think about it, while we barely get to talk right now, we text for about 30 mins every morning and night, but still, he isn't completely "there" because he is getting ready or has to eat or something at the same time. So there is a delay between every single message almost. He joined the group a week ago, so before then he was in SD and a hostel for a few days. Communication sucked then too.

 

Oh okay, thanks for the clarifications. I don't blame you for being upset, but he's not settled in yet. Try your best to be patient. He does need time to get used to things and explore a little bit before school starts up, and he'll probably have more time at home once that happens. It's only been 2 weeks, and he hasn't even been in Paris that whole time, so I don't think that the rest of the year is going to be like the past week has been.

 

I seriously would kill for a full hour or two of uninterrupted time. I still don't know anything about all these people he spends day in and out with, which is adding to my anxiety right now, and the fact that he is going out so late with them all is making it worse.

 

Deep breaths. You'll hear about it in due time. If he has a little bit of time (but not enough at the right time to set up a phone call with you), ask him to write emails to you about what he's up to -- y'know, "today we took a day trip to Versailles and blahblahblah." I'm sure you're curious about the stuff he's seeing out there. No, it's not the same as talking over the phone about various things, but it's nice to hear what your loved ones are up to when they're abroad.

 

I know we can't talk all the time, but I am tired of him saying, "be back on around 1 your time" and him not getting on until 3. It is a horrible empty feeling just waiting. Then when he does come on it is always "oh we walked here and here and here. I am exhausted." and before I know it we haven't been talking long and he wants to go to sleep.

He always says sorry, and he says the sweetest things, but I wish I could have some sweet actions to go along with those words.

 

Actions are hard to come by in an LDR, and it's easy to read into things when you're at a distance. Been there, done that, have multiple T-shirts. To stay sane, you need to stop waiting and stop indulging that empty feeling. Do things for yourself. Go out for walks. Try out a new recipe. Anything that you would find interesting or productive. Even when things settle down for him, there may be times when he just can't be around to chat or text with you. You've got to learn how to be comfortable with letting it go and not immediately filling in the blanks with your worst fears. Above all, RELAX and take care of yourself.

[justwhoiam]

Is he there for work or as a tourist? I don't understand the constant taking and posting pictures... And not being back after 3 am? Who's with him?

 

Also, wifi working bad? Maybe it depends on the room he was given. Or he could try to connect through a cable............... I mean, really? Do something... Last month I was staying at a place where wifi would work on and off from the room, so I had to leave the room and either call from the terrace or from the reception/bar area. It was annoying... because you can't have a real private conversation, but talking to him was far more important.

 

Anyway: How to access the Wi-Fi free of charge in Paris - Paris.fr. I have direct experience with the wifi in Paris, and it worked fine both downtown and in the outskirts.

 

As an alternative, buy some Skype credit and call the hotel, they will connect you to his room. He can use the standard phone in his room, right? There's no need not to talk, he's not in some remote place, he's in Paris!

[Acacia98]

He keeps saying communication plan isn't possible right now.

I told him all I wanted was for one night to have him say no matter what comes up "Hey, sorry guys, but I have a date with the GF on skype tonight."

 

Is that really too much to ask?

I've lived off the grid in countries that don't have as many resources as the capital of France. Even without internet or a long-distance phone plan, when I have wanted to communicate with a SO in another country, I have found a way to communicate. A communication plan is possible when people want it to be. In particularly difficult circumstances, people can be creative. For crying out loud, he could go to an internet cafe or library once a week and use the internet to send you a lengthy email message, filling you in on what he's been up to so that you're getting more than one-sentence long text messages.

 

Sounds to me like you're trying too hard and he isn't trying much. You cannot force your boyfriend to want to talk to you. Have faith in the fact that if he really wanted to communicate with you, he would find a way to make it happen (within reason). As far as I can tell, he's made it clear that's not one of his priorities right now, so you need to find a something else to occupy you and keep you busy. If and when the man wants to find you, he will make the effort to find you.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Acacia98

[clia]

You really need to pick up a new hobby or two and meet some new friends to have any hope of making it through the next year. He is going to continue to see beautiful things, to experience new things, and to meet new people. You survive the jealousy pangs by having your own cool stuff going on here. There is no reason why you can't make new friends through school, your gym, or even Meetup.com. Find something you are passionate about and pursue that hobby. Take some weekend trips of your own. I agree with Star that you need to find a way to get yourself a car. Putting your life on hold for an entire year sounds flat out miserable to me. Surely you can find some junker car somewhere.

 

You should not be sitting around waiting for him to pop up online to talk to you, or even starting fights with him about his lack of communication. IMO, that type of behavior may well drive him away. You knew going in that this was going to be difficult. It makes total sense to me that he is over there getting acclimated, meeting new people, and may not have time to talk to you so much yet. If he is already texting with you for an hour a day, that seems sufficient to me at this point. I'm sure things will settle down and you will get your skype dates eventually, but I really think you need to not start fights with him over text. How miserable would it be to finally have your dream happening and all the excitement that entails, and then to have to deal with a sour puss girlfriend who is upset that you aren't contacting her enough? Blech. Don't be that girl. Step away from the computer and go have some fun of your own.