Why are some men successful with women and some men not?

[Jon Tenzo]

You learn how completely idiotic you can be and still get by. So the little shell you have yourself trapped in is way safer than necessary. And limiting.

 

And you get to know that attractive women are just as insecure and neurotic as anyone, and you don't have to take them so seriously. The truth is they really aren't even as attractive as you think.

 

 

This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Revolver]

Define success with women. As others have said it's different for other people.

 

That's the thing. Success for me is the ability to consistently pull those who your attracted to and get whatever you want out of those interactions.

 

Just being in a relationship doesn't mean one is successful, I could not even like that person all that much

[Weezy1973]

Generally success in anything is equated with hard work. And how hard someone has to work at something would be a function of their natural ability.

 

For example, person A has an aptitude for math, and person B does not. They can both get an "A+" in their math course, but person B is going have to put in a lot more work.

 

In the case of attraction the two areas of work are on oneself (fitness, career, style, education, hobbies etc) and interacting with the opposite sex. Both need hard work, and almost certainly for people that aren't "naturals" that hard work will include pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. Which is hard, but ultimately worth it. Push through the fear.

[EasyHeart]

Success in your romantic life means being happy with your personal life. The specifics can be different for different people, but the results are the same. If you're happy, then you're a success; if you're not happy, you're unsuccessful.

[Pompeii]

There is no such thing as luck.

 

You are wrong. If you were an entrepreneur or knew anything about entrepreneurship, then you would not say this.

[Pompeii]

Sure, mutual attraction needs to happen but one quick question. Do you feel you're a good judge of women's subtle signals?

 

Women don't send subtle signals. I've seen women go crazy over guys who are aesthetic.

 

If a girl likes you, you'll know without a doubt.

 

At the end of the day, there's too much intellectualizing and mental masturbation going on. The guys who have the most success are either socially dominant, good looking, or yield some type of high status. "Average guys" can win too, but it is much harder. If you aren't the most dominant or near the most dominant of your friends or environment, you aren't getting her attention unless you have top tier looks. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about, I've been there before.

 

Speaking on success in dating, I believe it is the ability to consistent attract women of all sorts who may or may not be your type. Having that irresistible magnetic pull that just draws women in. Don't like her? Throw her back in the water. Keep doing it until you find one you do like. With many options, chances are she'll turn up sooner than the guy with no options. One of my best friends is like this. At the age of 20, he has already had sex with 70 different girls. Another one of my friends is 22 and has had sex with 80+ different women. They both lost their virginity at 16, a prime age. These guys have gotten "quality" girls. Girls that guys break their necks over. Girls that guys fall down stairs and run into lightpoles staring at. They will inevitably sharpen their skills as they get older and will presumably settle down with attractive women. That's why I don't take girls seriously when they say they don't mind inexperienced men. These men are inexperienced for a reason.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Pompeii

[lino]

I don't think there's a clear cut answer but in some cases, where there are men who simply never get anywhere, I think they simply don't fit the mold of what women are generally looking for.

 

It's often said 'there's someone for everyone' but then everyone knows at least one guy who sees no action othere than his right hand or prostitutes and you quickly realise there is a general 'minimum' of what women expect, and some guys simply aren't even that.

 

Sometimes guys like that get 'lucky' and marry the first girl that gives them any positive attention. I know several guys like that who live miserable lives just so they don't die alone.

[florence of suburbia]

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Women are people. Try not to focus on what you will say and do next. If you're interested, it should feel natural to learn about her, get to know her, and draw her out. Reach out. Enjoy her. If she doesn't enjoy you in return it is not a statement about you or a sign of failure, it just means the two of you didn't connect. Regroup, take a break, and try again next time you feel interest.

[tbf]

Women don't send subtle signals. I've seen women go crazy over guys who are aesthetic.

Hyperboles are not your friends.

 

"I once saw a girl hug and kiss a good looking man. Good looking men have it so easy."

[ptp]

It is a combo of things, but looks are the most important. I have rarely seen a guy who is physically attractive struggle getting women. Even a guy who is a criminal, has a personality of a card board box and lives at home cause he is too lazy to work will get women if he is physically attractive.

 

For the guys who aren't very physically attractive it comes down to 3 factors:

1) What you have: Money/Status/Power/Personality

2) What are your standards in women

3) How many times you try.

 

I have seen guys who don't have a lot get lots women, because they try a lot and don't have very high standards.

 

Conversely, I have seen guys who have a lot, not get women because their standards are way too high and/or they don't try enough.

 

One thing I have noticed is that women are attracted to a variety of yet, specific type of guys. For example, you can be the health/workout junkie and find a woman who likes health/working out. You can be the "alpha" male, finance/business guy and you can find women who like that type. You can be the bada** biker dude and women fall for that type. You can be the studious academic type who wears patches on his jacket and women will like that type. Or you can be the "I am being different" guy and get a ton of tattoos/piercings and women like that type too.

 

The types that don't seem to do as well are "video game" dude, the sports guy with a beer belly who wants to watch 12 hours of football every weekend, the guy who is interested in science/tech and shy/quiet types.

 

It also helps big time if you understand women and have similar interests as them. For example, not many women are going to be fascinated, by the intricacies of your fantasy baseball league. Yet, if you are well traveled and are able to tell fascinating stories about your journeys, they'll eat it up.

 

just my thoughts from my first hand experiences.

[Sanman]

While I agree about some of what is posted and agree that status, looks, etc, play a role, this occurs on a spectrum. Some guys can get many women, some will get a moderate to few women, and some guys will struggle to even get a date. Not all guys who struggle are in the last group.

 

The large difference among average men, imo, is the frequency with which you try. In my experience, most men are under a false belief that they have a large group of women to choose from. I began dating a little differently as an experiment years ago and my outlook (and success with women changed). I will literally ask any woman that I am remotely attracted to out for a cup of coffee. Why? Because most men believe that any woman they see is an option for them. I say this is not true. Until a woman has at least accepted a coffee date with you and initiated contact afterward, she is not truly an option. I don't care how single she is, if she will not date you then she is not an option. Once you have a number of women that have had at least one date with you, select the best one from that group and that is your option for dating/a relationship. Repeat until you are happy.

[fortyninethousand322]

While I agree about some of what is posted and agree that status, looks, etc, play a role, this occurs on a spectrum. Some guys can get many women, some will get a moderate to few women, and some guys will struggle to even get a date. Not all guys who struggle are in the last group.

 

The large difference among average men, imo, is the frequency with which you try. In my experience, most men are under a false belief that they have a large group of women to choose from. I began dating a little differently as an experiment years ago and my outlook (and success with women changed). I will literally ask any woman that I am remotely attracted to out for a cup of coffee. Why? Because most men believe that any woman they see is an option for them. I say this is not true. Until a woman has at least accepted a coffee date with you and initiated contact afterward, she is not truly an option. I don't care how single she is, if she will not date you then she is not an option. Once you have a number of women that have had at least one date with you, select the best one from that group and that is your option for dating/a relationship. Repeat until you are happy.

 

If I may ask, how do you meet these women? At what stage do you ask them for coffee? First time you met them? A little later?

 

Most of the time when I ask a woman to do anything I get the run around. Sometimes these aren't even women I'm interested in as anything more than friends. So I'm just curious as to how this kind of thing works...

[tbf]

My fear of that happening is probably what holds me back from pushing boundaries.

 

That, and my generally negative attitude leads me to always assume friendliness rather than something more.

 

I know I have major issues...

ARGGHHHH!

 

Quit overthinking and investing early. There's no reason why you should be single.

[fortyninethousand322]

ARGGHHHH!

 

Quit overthinking and investing early. There's no reason why you should be single.

 

Well, I'm asking as a technical question. I posted a thread about meeting women at the grocery store (for example). Can I just go up to a girl and talk to her? Is that not creepy?

 

And yes, I know I need to stop overthinking. Investing early is a byproduct of my other problems.

[tbf]

Well, I'm asking as a technical question. I posted a thread about meeting women at the grocery store (for example). Can I just go up to a girl and talk to her? Is that not creepy?

 

And yes, I know I need to stop overthinking. Investing early is a byproduct of my other problems.

Straight up. I get chatted up a lot, everywhere there's a line up. Some are friendly people (males and females), others are on the make. Why not talk to everyone and anyone until you get perfectly comfortable chatting with strangers, able to be fast on your thinking and verbal feet and then see what comes of it.

[carhill]

Great point on the thinking and verbal feet. That's a place where over-thinking can paralyze one. It's one area where caring less and going with the flow helped me immensely, by disconnecting the emotional content from the interactions and focusing on the moment rather than any particular style or outcome. IME, I learned many of those lessons from public speaking and taking questions from an audience.

 

Men who are successful generally have an easy way about them which immediately puts others at ease and feeling comfortable and positive in their presence. One can project care and comfort and familiarity with one's audience (or a particular woman) without being emotionally invested in those dynamics in any deep way. For many people, this is never an issue but, for some of us, we have difficulty with emotional boundaries within ourselves and it's an issue to work on. I've been fortunate to have some very successful men as long-time friends and they've taught me a lot, as well as provided great examples of those lessons themselves over the decades. IME, one is never too old to learn.

[Sanman]

If I may ask, how do you meet these women? At what stage do you ask them for coffee? First time you met them? A little later?

 

Most of the time when I ask a woman to do anything I get the run around. Sometimes these aren't even women I'm interested in as anything more than friends. So I'm just curious as to how this kind of thing works...

 

I have met them in real life and online. My general rule is I ask for their number after the first time I make them laugh. Typically, this happens in the first conversation. After the first time? I may never see some of these women again. Remember, all this does is tell you that this woman is willing to consider you in a romantic context. If that cannot be said, no pint in continuing to pursue them. Plenty of women simply do not find me attractive. Online, I never go to phone chats, I go from online chats to coffee. Momentum is your friend. You don't want to exhaust the conversation before the first date.

[Sanman]

Well, I'm asking as a technical question. I posted a thread about meeting women at the grocery store (for example). Can I just go up to a girl and talk to her? Is that not creepy?

 

And yes, I know I need to stop overthinking. Investing early is a byproduct of my other problems.

 

Sure you can....

 

Excuse me, I noticed you are picking up the veggie burgers. I'm having a little BBQ for some friends and wanted to grab the best one, but I never eat them. Which one do you recommend? Chat for a minute... Thanks for help. I know this is a little forward, but would you be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee sometime?

 

 

Oh yeah, buy the veggie burgers even if there is no party. You can return them later or go home and try one. Something to talk about over coffee.

[jcrew11]

Here are some things that women want: someone who's interesting, self-confident, improves her life, is husband-material, religiously-compatible, someone who is fun and fun to be around.

 

Now you don't need to have all of these things - but if you want to build attraction, you need to make yourself "interesting and fun"

 

You can try being high-energy and assertive/masculine.

 

You also want to build comfort, which takes time, but this is the nice guy approach that makes you husband-material with some sexual tension.

 

Also, join a yoga class to meet cute women.

[jcrew11]

You might also want to try some casual adult dating sites to build up your confidence.

 

there are one-night stands at fling, justhookup, nerve, etc.

 

it might be helpful to get some experience.