Confused

[lilhalloweenbaby]

Hi

I am new here and really need some advice. I feel 100% lost and out of control right now. I am a 24 year old women who just graduated from university and I am in love with two people. I have been in a really wonderful relationship for about 3 and a half years with a guy who is totally there for me and loves me unconditionally, but about two years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I was on meds and in counselling to try and deal with the illness, but it was literally months before I felt any relief. I was incredibly needy, and felt terribly lonley, if my boyfriend so much as looked away from me for a second I would loose it. I craved love and attention and I felt one person loving me was just not enough. So I went online and met a guy who lives a thousand miles away and started to have a "online"....which turned into an over the phone affair. I was addicted to this. Is was the only thing that made me feel good during the day. And worst yet I thought I was in love. My boyfriend found out and was incredibly mad, but we worked it out and eventually stopped talking to this guy, who I really hurt in the process. But as the year past, I started to slip back down into my depressed state once agian. This time my boyfriend was not there as he was in school and working nights, so I hardly saw him at all. School was beginning to be a huge struggle and I felt like I had no one. In January I met this guy at school, who I was incredibly attracted to both physically and emotionally. He asked me out one day and I declined saying I had a boyfriend. He seemed okay with this and for the next few days we were just "friends" untill one kiss lead to another which lead to sex in the guys locker room. I was once again on a total all time high. I thought I was in love with him, and he had these ideas that we would run away together and have children and have this perfect life. But then reality seemed to set in for the both of us. I was not ready to let go of my boyfriend and that seemed to devistate him. We would go back and fourth between being friends and lovers, mostly because of him. To this day (10 months after this all started) he believes in some way I am using him for sex. He wants something more. But what? I love him, and although I feel I can never say this on some level I want to just love him and be his friend and forget all about the sex, but that never seems to happen. One day he says he wants nothing more than friendship and the next day he is all over me. I feel so out of control. I am NOT using him for sex. But sex is my only outlet for me to satisfy the love I feel for him on a temporary basis. I love my boyfriend, and he is the only one I see myself with forever. What do I do?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I just have a quick question. How would you feel if your boyfriend told you that he loves you and wishes to be with you for the future; yet he has another woman he has sex with in a girls locker room and continues to have sex with her over and over again as an outlet for him being lonely. You have no respect for your boyfriend who loves you since you go and continue to screw another guy behind his back. It seems you are totally selfish. Why don't you try a new concept called honesty and respect for your boyfriend and tell him the truth so he can decide whether he wishes to be in love with a girlfriend who enjoys having sex with another guy behind his back. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Your boyfriend loves you and this is the way you pay him back? Your boyfriend deserves your honesty and respect which you refuse to give him. You have made a totally fool of him and continue to do this to him. I do not think you understand the words love and committment. Your actions speak volumes on how you disrespect your boyfriend. Your boyfriend has my sympathy.

[jmargel]

Re-read your post. You say you love your bf and yet you say about this other guy:

 

But sex is my only outlet for me to satisfy the love I feel for him

 

What a bunch of BS. Don't blame this all on your depression, that's a cop-out. Have you been going to couseling for your depression? Have you been taking medication? It's not upto your BF to make you happy. That is not his responsibility. You know he loves you and you seem insecure just because he's not with you 24/7.

 

Only way to resolve this is to break it off with this other guy, get counseling, get meds, tell your bf what you did again and hope for the best. It's time to get your head back on straight and take responsibility in your life. The grass isn't greener on the other side and you are using this 'depression' as an excuse so that you don't feel guity about what you did.

[Cecelius]

Agreed. You may not be able to control your trousers but you can sure as heck tell your b/f what you're up to before he gets too attached.

 

Your b/f is busting his behind to go to school and work and improve himself, make a life for you to, and you're doing some guy in a locker room?

 

Seriously, though, if you are certain that your fidelity is coming from the mental illness, then I'd be straight with the b/f and tell him where you are and what you're doing. Then get more counseling, drugs or whatever. And do not date anyone till the Dr. says its okay, otherwise you are just going to injure decent people.

 

If its not the illness, then get yourself a spine and be straight with yourself: you crave attention -- its not a crime, its very typical of young girls. Just don't get exclusive with anyone.

[lilhalloweenbaby]

Hi

I have been taking my meds for 4 years ( 2 types) and I have seen 4 different psychologists over the past 3 years. I am not blaming this on my depression at all. I DO know that my depression was caused by numerous things that have happend that terribly hurt me, my self esteem and my development during my teenage years. I never felt love from anyone around me except and hated my mother. My mom died when I was 19 and I went down hill from that point on. I understand that you think what I am saying is bs, but feelings aren't bs, its just the way it is. I know that I have to break it off with this other guy, and I am only hurting people by being in two relationships, but I can't and that is the problem...

[Owl]

You can break it off with the other guy...you just choose not to. You are an adult. You CAN decide what you are going to do or not do. No one is forcing you to be with the other person...no one is forcing you to do anything at all. You made the CHOICE to be with the other guy...now CHOOSE to break it off. You can CHOOSE who to have sex with or not. I'm sorry, and I know that the choices may be tough, but don't sit there and say you CAN'T do it. Realize that you can do anything you want to do...so decide what you want to do, and DO IT.

 

Famous quote from a short green guy that I use on my kids all the time...cause its true! "Do, or do not. There is no try!"- Yoda

[lilhalloweenbaby]

Thanks......I love the qoute! I think that it is my main problem, I started to believe that I HAVE no self control, when in fact I have had it all along, my choices are mine to make.

Thanks