Dating a separated man...

[aerinha]

...and I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

We can have incredible days and nights, and then I feel as if my heart is getting ripped out. The problem is, he is trying to be a full-time dad at the same time he is trying to be a boyfriend. When something has to give, it's always got to be me. He has not told them about me because he doesn't want to upset them (2 boys) and he doesn't want to upset his STBXW.

 

Last weekend is a perfect example. I've told him time and again that I want to know WHEN to expect to see him on the weekends so that I don't spend my weekends hanging around the house waiting for him to just show up. Once again, he made no effort to try and do so this weekend. So he showed up Friday night in time to go to sleep, woke up at 730 Saturday morning and was gone by 9 bc his STBX works all day Saturday and Sunday (every other weekend). After explaining that he was leaving to go spend time with the boys (he went on a business trip Monday and will be gone for 10 days) and that he was going to work on his lawn (they're living in the same house and he still does all of the work around the home) and clean out his car he said, "I'll call you later."

 

The next time I heard from him was when he showed up at 10pm. His excuses- one kid wanted to see his girlfriend and he ended up playing a video game with the other one for 4 hours.

 

Although I tried to make the most of my day, it was ruined by the tremendous reserve of anger spawned by so many days spent waiting for him. I felt like seeing me was less of a priority than playing a video game.

When he showed up, I was angry and sad. I cried and told him how his actions hurt and he talked about how he hadn't wanted to come bc he knew I'd be disappointed. He swore he would spend all Sunday with me.

 

"All Sunday" ended at 230 when he went to go make dinner for the boys before STBX came home and he promised he'd be back in time to spend the evening with me. This time he showed up at 930. Apparently, she came home and wanted to talk. By the time they were done, he didn't want to see me (which was evidenced by his body language that said he wanted to run out the door). I got him to stay the night and we/he talked at length about how confused he is. He feels like he's ending up with me where he was with her. He doesn't know who he is anymore....what he wants. He doesn't feel "right" with me, but he doesn't feel "wrong" either. I felt like I got stabbed.

 

Are all men in the process of a divorce as screwed up as this?

Is there any hope that he will sort his head out?

[MassiveAtom]

I'll be blunt.

 

Leave him to his kids.

 

He has a hell of a lot of pain that he's working through. You are in for some of the spill off yourself. Maybe a little while later he'll be what you need, but now, it's clear he's more than you bargained for. know what I mean?

 

It sounds like his divorce process is NOT forgiving or even remotely positive. If he feels he may upset his STBXW then he's still not fully individuated. Which means a large part of his emotions are still enmeshed with his wife. NOT GOOD FOR GIRLFRIEND!

 

IF that's the case, check your expectations at the door and just have fun. DON'T be an additional source of stress for the guy. If you're his first "relationship" after the marriage, you MUST know it rarely lasts long.

 

There are two kinds of men after Divorce.

 

There's happy ending guys, and then there's the guys that end up in a heap. All the signals are there, he's headed straight for the pile.

 

It sounds like this poor fellow is cruising along without consciously doing what he needs to do to end his marriage on the best terms possible. Maybe you could gently offer to spend less time with him so he can get some counselling. He's blocked up babe. Big time.

 

To answer your last question. "Are all separated guys this screwed up?" my answer would be, Probably. Just be sure you're up front with him about what you expect out of this relationship and he's up front with you. Don't force anything, or you could wind up with a weeping, heavy shell of a man in your bedroom, or worse, you could end up a weeping, heavy shell of a woman..

 

Separation in prep for divorce is easily the most difficult time for many. Tread lightly. DO NOT take the man from his kids. THEY are the most important in all of this. Don't resent them, or him for the time they spend together. He's at least doing that right.

 

Please be incredibly careful.

[tiki]

Originally posted by aerinha

(they're living in the same house and he still does all of the work around the home)

 

Wha????? You've got to be kidding me. You're an "other woman" then, aren't you?

 

Originally posted by aerinha Apparently, she came home and wanted to talk.

 

OMG, he's not supposed to be married to her. If he's separated and seeing other women, WTF is he doing still living with HER?!

 

Originally posted by aerinha Are all men in the process of a divorce as screwed up as this?

 

No! Period!

 

Why are you putting up with this crap? He's totally playing you for a fool. I don't think he's separated.

[Merin]

Hmmm... well I agree with Tiki... I don't think he's seperated either.

 

Seems that you're his secret, he doesn't want the Wife to know or the kids... he still lives with her... being that seperated means NO LONGER TOGETHER and he is STILL right there under the same roof...

 

My advice.... IF you are wanting a relationship with this guy that belongs to only YOU (of course he will always be in his kiddo's lives and should be) but you want to be the only woman... then WAIT... take a big step back unless or until he is divorced... then he is still married... might want to let him know that "seperation" doesn't mean he's in one place for a few hours while she's at work... blah!

[MassiveAtom]

[font=arial]OOOHHH SNAP!!

 

I ddn't see that he was living in the same house.

 

THEY ARE NOT SEPARATED!!!

 

HE IS CHEATING ON HIS WIFE!

 

HE"S IN PAIN!!!!!!! AND HE WILL IMPLODE!!

 

GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT NOW!!!!!

 

RUN FOR YOUR EMOTIONAL LIFE!!

 

wait what did I say?

 

oh yeah,....

 

 

GET OUT NOW![/font]

[brashgal]

I think you need to be less available, don't put your life on hold for this guy, he may still end up back with his wife.

[Naive]

You are making yourself available to pain.

 

If you continue this get ready to check into the Heartbreak Hotel sweety because it is hard!!!!!

[tiki]

By allowing him to see you and live with his wife, you're basically condoning it silently. Make it stop.

 

MA, Your post was cute!

[b52srock]

OK, don't even get me started on this!

 

First of all, he is STILL MARRIED. Soon to be Ex or not, he is still a married man. Have you thought about what affect your "dating" might have on his kids? I don't care how young they are, they are going to eventually see that daddy has a girlfriend, and if he's brought them up with any sense of morals, they're going to know its WRONG because he's MARRIED.

 

They're living in the same house?

 

Have you thought that perhaps he's using you for sex and keeping the wifey on the line just in case things don't work out between the two of you?

 

Yeah, I'm blunt. But in the past three weeks I've found out my HUSBAND with whom I am still MARRIED, has a girlfriend he's been sleeping with for months while we've been separated. I've been trying my damndest to keep the family together, work full time, care for my kids, pay bills and keep the hope alive that he's seriously thinking things through about our marriage, only to find out there's a woman on the side.

 

And here's the kicker....I'd take him back in a heartbeat because I still love him.

 

Who's to say your MARRIED LOVER isn't going to drop you next week to keep his family together?

[louisclark]

I believe him and his wife are having troubles, but I think he is trying to repair the marriage and the wife wants out. I used to stay around when I wanted my ex back and help around the house and darn I played video games with the kids for hours to just to be able to be around the house with them all. You should not date this man until he has been divorced for at least a year or so. God made marriage and he is not going to bless this man when he is committing adultery, is he the only man available in your area. I wonder are you wanting something you can`t have. Sorry to be so blunt but look at the facts.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by aerinha

Are all men in the process of a divorce as screwed up as this? Is there any hope that he will sort his head out?

 

I haven't met all of them, so I couldn't say.

 

The ones I have met had similar feelings as the ones I had when I went through mine. That is, seeing the world as you know it being turned upside down & torn apart, & your life abruptly changing direction. A paradigm shifting when the clutch doesn't work. The feelings are sadness, confusion, resentment, anger, bitterness, uncertainty about the future, & a host of others.

 

Any relationship in the immediate aftermath will be rebound in nature. An attempt to fill a sudden void. In your case, this man still has ties to his estranged wife, & there are conflicting loyalties. He is not in a position to embark on a new relationship right now.

 

He will likey sort his head out eventually, but the time frame will be months & years. Whether you wish to spend time & youth waiting on the sidelines for him is your decision, of course.

[djj]

I have to agree with everyone here... GET OUT!!! I am seperated with a son, now I personally devote my weekends to my son and nothing will stop that but I would introduce him to my girlfriend (if I had one.. another story lol). As for still living with her.. then they are not seperated PERIOD. When my ex said we were through that was that. She said I could saty in the house as long as I like.. a week, six months whatever I needed... hell I was out in within 2 weeks.... because we were seperated and that is that. Regardless of wether I wanted to be with her or not.

 

So I am sorry to say but it seems like this guy is playing you for a fool. He is having his cake and eating it too. You haven't met the kids nor the stbxw either I would assume. Does anyone know you exist in his life other than him and your friends? Prob. not.

 

I'm really sorry for the pain you are going through but please stop it now before it gets any worse for you.

 

~djj

[Patiently waiting]

You all are amazing!!

 

Where have I been all my life????

[mimosa]

Wow, this is the greatest advice ever!!! I have been dating a man for a bout a month--he is seperated and getting a divorce but they have been living together two years after the seperation. Married for fourteen. Two little kids and no money. So it DOES make sense people might be forced to stay together. But of course, freedom is priceless so....I would think one would want to leave. I step into the picture--half his age (he is in the early forties) and am seeing a worl dof drama and craziness that frankly, I don't know if I can handle. His ex is calling me, wanting to talk with me and be friends with me, telling me about my new boyfreind. Then he calls me up and wants to talk to me about how much he hates her.

 

And we have a beutiful love affair--but I am afraid it will be sabatoged by the drama.

ON the positive note, he did find his own place last week after I told him I wouldn't stick around for anything less. And he's trying to make some changes. Ah,but the kids, the ex wife. I do feel sorry for some men and women that they get locked into a bad relationship and then.....get stuck.

 

thanks for listening

[johnny1968]

aerinha, it sounds like you have a lot of love and devotion to give.

Most men I know, (including myself) would KILL to have someone who's so easily able to overlook flaws in order to try and be happy.

 

Don't waste all the good you have to offer on this looser.

 

You need to somehow find the strength to dump this guy and find someone worthy of the things you have to give.

 

This guy is obviously cheating on his wife, and playing you as a fool.

Your heart will likely be but one in a whole series of broken hearts and lies this guy leaves behind everywhere he travels in life.

[aerinha]

"they're still living in the same house..." from my initial email meant that his wife and his kids are still living in the same house that they were when the two of them were together. He's living at a friends house. Woops. Now I've got 15 emails telling me I'm the other woman. Yikes.

[Stinkerbelle]

Last time I checked, "separated" meant separate houses, and preferrably with a legal document indicating an intent to divorce.

 

Oops, I shall have to go re-read. I also read it to mean that he was also in the same house.

 

My apologies if I was wrong.

 

But he does sound like he isn't ready to date. My fiance and I started dating when he was separated. But he never made me feel like a "dirty little secret", or less important than the children.

[AloneAgain]

Hello, all. I'm a new member of Loveshack. I'm 52 and separated because I fell out of love with my wife. I'm not sure if I ever did love her. But, that's another story.

 

I'm trying to gain insights into being separated (6 months) and came across aerinha's(?) story. So, here's mine: I've been doing the online dating scene since late spring and for a long time was listing my self as Divorced. Big mistake. I had no idea where my head was at, but recently something happened which made me turn around 180 degrees. I was emailing with a divorced woman who sounded wonderful and I told her so. We were getting heated up until recently when I was in the middle of a separation agreement session with my wife and mediator.

 

As usual, my wife was characterizing me with every bad name in the book - she's got her issues, but, at least I've never slept with anyone else. I terminated the sessions thereafter. I was to meet the woman I was emailing with a week later. But, the more I thought about it, the more my wife's words stuck with me. I was turning into the person she suspected me of being. So after much considering, I broke things off with this woman (and I DO live alone) but, never told her that I was separated. I didn't need to be screamed at, my self-esteem was low enough anyway, and she didn't need to be hurt.

 

The moral of all this? At the risk of sounding self-serving, some of us "screwed-up separated guys" DO see the light once in a while.

 

But, aerinha, yes, this guy's making a fool of you, I'd say. Leave him alone and let him get his head together.

 

I dated one woman for one night that I also met online(my first online date) before I moved out and that time, my conscience did the same thing - alarm bells went off. I broke it off, of course. Loneliness and insecurity will do terrible things to a man.

 

So, I'm listing myself as "Separated" now, and I know I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting a date, but, for now, that's all I want, dinner and a movie or something. A relationship during separation sounds so tempting to us guys but, I guess, it's trouble on a stick. But, how do you handle the terrible loneliness??? It hurts to see happy couples wherever I go.

 

So, there's my two cents worth.

[Charlane]

Originally posted by AloneAgain

But, how do you handle the terrible loneliness??? It hurts to see happy couples wherever I go.

 

 

Go back to your wife, that's how.

[AloneAgain]

Charlane - perhaps you didn't read the top of my post. I said I didn't love my wife anymore. There is no going back for either of us. We are both emotionally divorced from one another. Neither of us wants to go back. End of story.

[indigo_moon]

Aerinha, I will share my very similar personal experience with a "separated" man....and in doing so I hope you will do as I did, and get out while you're ahead.

 

I met Scott 3 yrs ago. He was 37, shy yet charming and hilarious. The first night we went out for coffee, it was like we'd known each other for years....we really "clicked" and my sides hurt from laughing so hard. He told me off the bat that he was separated...(2 sons, ages 7 and 10) - that the custody and separation agreement were all in place, the divorce had been filed and it was just a matter of him attending a mandatory "workshop" for Parents Going Through Divorce (required here in Canada, by the courts). His ex and him had been apart for over a year - him certain that she was involved from before she left, with the father of a child she babysat in their home. He didn't bash her but he did say they'd been married 12 yrs, she was a spoiled girl growing up and that didn't change when he married her...she never worked but expected him to work his tail off so that she could spend her days shopping. She would rack up the credit cards, and he would harder and more to pay the bills..to the point where he was rarely ever home...........and then she got something going on with the dad of the kid she babysat in her home.

 

I was leary from the start, getting involved with someone who wasn't officially divorced. Leary that maybe he still had unresolved feelings for her -after all, that's 12 yrs of marriage and 2 children together. I asked him point blank, "If she ever changed her mind now, before the divorce is final, and wanted to reconcile, what would you say/do?" He seemed genuine in his assertion that "they" were in the past and he needed to move forward.

 

Strangely enough, he wanted to introduce me to his demons, I mean sons (they were HORRID and mouthy and foul and spoiled) within the first week we began seeing each other. Now the sons lived with Mom (ex) mostly, and he got them every second weekend plus 2 nights during each week. Obviously the kids would run back to her and tell her about "Dad's new girlfriend" - so I was happy to know he wasn't hiding my existence.

 

But things started to happen that concerned me. One day I noticed a picture of her and the boys suddenly "appeared" out of nowhere, on the stand with the rest of th pics. I know it was never there before as I looked each time I'd go over......I was always curious what she looked like. I asked him about this picture appearing..he first tried to say the boys must have found it and put it there. Yeah, right. It was stuffed way back on the shelf, such that a person (or rangy kid) would have knocked everything to place it back there). Then said it had been at his office and he'd put it into his briefcase -where it had been for many months..and he was just finally cleaning out his briefcase, so brought it home. Uh huh.

 

When he'd come over to see me, he'd often have his cell phone turned off. Odd, because he was a senior manager for a large commercial construction company and it was imperative that his employees be able to reach him at all times...especially because he didn't even have voicemail.

 

Then, the odd time it did ring, guess who...the ex. He'd talk much quieter, and like clockwork, he'd have to "leave." He said he just didn't feel comfortable "talking with her" in my home/presence...but it was stuff "to do with the kids."

 

For a guy who used to love to spend time at my place, including most of the weekends, he suddenly started making very lame excuses for having to leave.....as lame as claiming he had to drive the 40 min drive all the way home to "wash his jeans"..things that didn't make sense. It was as if he felt guilty for being with me ,or he wanted to be available to................her?

 

I was feeling very upset at this point, feeling I'd been duped but knowing how I can read too much into things - out of fear of getting hurt. One evening i was at his house (no kids there)...he was having a shower, invited me to join him. I declined....my gut said "look around." In the nightstand beside his bed, there was a stack of 50+ greeting cards she'd given him over the years....from when they were first married to several anniversaries later. Not the kind of stuff you'd expect to find 6 inches away from the guy's bed - a guy who claimed he wasn't the least bit sentimental and didn't keep things like this.

 

I just had to leave. I felt like a fool. I couldn't talk with him for a week, I felt so rotten and mislead and stupid. But he reassured me that he didn't even "know" they were in that drawer. I was wanting to believe him because to believe otherwise would mean I was a horrible person ,hanging out with someone's husband.

 

The final straw was this..one weekend, when he had the boys, I was to spend Saturday with them at their place. I was on the phone w/ him Friday evening. Mentioned what time I'd be done my thing and going to see them all. He then told me that "she" was coming over to pick the boys up to take them to a birthday party - the birthday party of the guy she basically secretly left him for...though she wouldn't admit whose party it was (the boys told him). I couldn't understand why he was telling me this, so what? She knew I existed, she had a boyfriend, what was the secret? So I jokingly said to him, "Gee, when she comes over, do you want me to hide in the broom closet til she leaves?" There was silence. He then suggested it be best that I not be there when she came to get the kids. I thought surely he was joking....

 

I told him, "look, I'm not going to be in her face and make it awkward for everyone, I can just go down into the basement while she's here for all of 10 minutes to pick them up - or what, do you expect me to drive all the way here, then 5 minutes before she's to arrive, I should drive around the block a few times until she's gone?" He thought that would be the best idea.

 

That was it. He said he wasn't sure how she's react to "seeing me".....afraid she might be a "b*tch" and make a scene in front of the kids - which made no sense since they were nearly divorced and she was with someone for months. So to make a long story short, he was not over her, not prepared to let her see he'd moved on ,because deep in his heart I don't think he was ready to move on.

 

What a waste of several months.

 

I see your guy being in the same type of situation....................has not cut the ties. Still holding onto hope.

 

Get out before you get even more hurt. Let his divorce become final and let him spend at LEAST 6 months grieving the loss of his family/marriage............and then if he's fit to date you, then consider it...otherwise, you are wasting your time. He is not ready. not at all.

[Stinkerbelle]

I think there are some who are ready to move on, and some who are not.

 

I was lucky; my fiance was ready. I am afraid this fellow of yours is not. And if you sit around and wait for him to be ready to move on to new relationships, you might get your feelings hurt. You might like to tell him that you think a lot of him, but he should call you when he is really ready to stand beside you in the light of day, and acknowledge YOU as the woman in his life. And until that time, you can't date him. It's going to hurt, but I think it will hurt less than spending more time waiting for him, and compromising your dreams.

 

And Charlayne, I thought that gentleman was quite clear -- he wasn't love his wife, so did the right thing, and divorced her, so she could be with someone who did love her. I can't criticize that. Sometimes divorce is better than a bad marriage.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by aerinha

"they're still living in the same house..." from my initial email meant that his wife and his kids are still living in the same house that they were when the two of them were together. He's living at a friends house. Woops. Now I've got 15 emails telling me I'm the other woman. Yikes.

 

I've dated as a separated woman - and I still talked regularly to my STBXH (not anymore, as I am pregnant and obviously have moved on with my life, ha ha). It was hard for the men I dated, and they had to be very understanding. I ended lots of relationships because they were pissed about me talking to STBXH, but, we had a life together, we had history, and ending a meaningful relationship really takes a lot of effort, at least, it did for me.

 

Anyways, I may get blasted for this, but now that I am expecting a baby I understand a little more in terms of the feelings parents have for their children. I never did want kids before I got pregnant - and didn't really understand why parents acted the way they did.

 

But, he obviously loves his kids, and maybe he doesn't like the fact that he can't see them every day? Maybe he really treasures the time that he gets to spend with them, even cooking and mundane sh*t like playing videogames - all moments with your kids are precious, and they grow up so fast you want to be there as much as possible. In my life, my child will always come before everything else, including relationships - and that's how it should me, IMHO. Being a parents is THE MOST important job in the world. Raising a healthy, happy, intelligent, thoughtful person takes effort and hard work, and most of all - you have to be around!

 

You don't mention how long you've been together. I told the father of my baby that if he dates anyone, he can't introduce them to the child unless they've been together at least 6 months. My rule. Because I don't want my kid exposed to random people who float in and out of their life. They don't need to get attached to someone and then have that person leave after she breaks up with my ex. So, I can see reasons to not introduce your GF or BF to the kids until you've been together a while. But, maybe you have been together!

 

Ultimately, when you date a man who has children (and he is involved in their life), you have to deal with the fact that he is emotionally invested in someone else - his child. And that should be respected. Because being a father is great, too few men do it these days.

 

When you talk to him, is it always in the context of you being upset?

[Scott S]

Originally posted by AloneAgain

Hello, all. I'm a new member of Loveshack. I'm 52 and separated because I fell out of love with my wife. I'm not sure if I ever did love her. But, that's another story.

 

[sNIP]

 

So, I'm listing myself as "Separated" now, and I know I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting a date, but, for now, that's all I want, dinner and a movie or something. A relationship during separation sounds so tempting to us guys but, I guess, it's trouble on a stick.

 

 

I'm very sorry to hear that. I know that's a very difficult thing to go through.

 

When I was separated, the issue was academic, as dating was the last thing on my mind. Had any conversation with a woman reached the point where that was an issue, I believe that I would have been above-board about my status, without being excessive, & let her decide for herself.

[alicia24]

Do not date guys with kids