I want more than Just Best Friends but he doesn't

[Everclear09]

I' ve kinda/sorta liked my best "male" friend for awhile. (I guess you can say I never wanted to admit my feelings) None of my really close friends are aware of my feelings. Everyday we'd talk for hours on the phone...if we ended up not seeing each other that day.

 

Over the weekend, on Sunday night to be exact, after attending a concert, we kissed for the first time....and boy was it great! (I would provide details but I don't want to scare people) Two days later he calls me up and says he wants to go back to the way things were....Just really close friends! (A complete shock to me because he instigated every action on Sunday)

 

I haven't spoken to him in 1 1/2 days...which feels like eternity. I think it's gonna be very hard for me to remain friends with him because I will always be wondering and wanting Sunday night to happen again. Now all I can think about his him and it hurts me. I don't want to lose him but I'm afraid that I have scared him due to my reaction of his news.

 

Please Help!

[packersgirl]

Don't you still want him in your life? Sure it might be awkward for a bit now but you have to take a deeper look. What matters more to you? Having him in your life, even if its just as a friend, or having him as a boyfriend? Look at it this way. If you two did decide to date and you broke up, how much more awkward would that be? Maybe he's trying to spare you and himself from that.

[Fallen_Angel]

I'll be honest: it WILL be very difficult for you to remain friends with this guy if you have feelings for him. In fact, if you don't get past these feelings, your friendship will never recover.

 

I hope you don't think I'm being too harsh. I once dated my best (male) friend for a very short time and he abruptly ended it and I was devastated. I still hung out with him all the time because he kept telling me he wanted things to go back to the way they were before we started dating and all I could think was...well, if he's around me enough, he'll realize he screwed up and we'll start dating again.

 

I ended up telling myself this for a few months, and it never happened. If I could do it all again, I would have taken a break from him. I'm now friends with this guy again, but it took me a while to get past my feelings.

 

I know it doesn't seem fair to you...after all, guy friends can make great boyfriends! But it looks like your friend had a change of heart, or maybe he just got caught up in the moment. If you still want this guy in your life, I really think you need to take a break from him, or at the very least limit your contact with him. Don't make the same mistake I did -- it's torture.

 

Good luck.

[packersgirl]

I know it doesn't seem fair to you...after all, guy friends can make great boyfriends! But it looks like your friend had a change of heart, or maybe he just got caught up in the moment. If you still want this guy in your life, I really think you need to take a break from him, or at the very least limit your contact with him. Don't make the same mistake I did -- it's torture.

 

Here's a story to make you see why you shouldn't pursue relationships with best guy friends:

 

About four years ago I was a senior in high school. I became very close with a guy in my youth group, he was the same age as me but he was dating a friend I had grown up with. I had no romanti feelings for him whatsoever. He became one of my best friends, and it was awesome, until his girlfriend became insanely jealous and made him stop talking to me (lame, I know). Anyway, our first semester of college, he broke up with her. He was so excited that he and I could be friends again. Little over a month after they broke up he began to say things... like he and I were meant to be together, telling people we were "engaged". He started holding my hand, kissing my cheek, putting his arms around me and he was over at my house ever single day. Because of all this, I totally fell for him. I never thought I would either, but it just happened. One day I decided to tell him, I figured that since everything else was happening, maybe we could start officially dating. I told him... he told me he "didn't want to ruin our friendship". For nine months he lead me on. He was telling people he was falling for me, but everytime it was brought up in conversation he used the friendship line. He lead me to believe that everything I had been thinking was true... then he went and dated two other girls during this nine month span. After his first one, he came back to me because I had distanced myself from him and he couldn't handle it. Things went back to normal for a while. His 19th birthday rolled around, and I decided to take him to see his favorite musical. It was just going to be me and him, and I was excited. I thought I was in love with him, and I was so sure that tonight was going to be the start of something. Friends thought so too! On the way to his house, I got a phone call from a mutual female friend... she was crashing our "date" and coming along, all because he had invited her. I was hacked! But graciously made it through the night. After that he started dating the second girl. It was hard because I was so attached to him, but again I distanced myself, and refused to let him back in. I went away for two weeks during the summer, and came back to find that he had split with that girlfriend and was practically dating another one, the girl who crashed our date. Anyway, to finish up here... he and that girl who crashed out date 2 1/2 years ago are now married, our friendship never returned to how it was our senior year of high school... only now that he's married are things normal again. I can talk to him like I used to and we can joke and just be friends.

 

Of course this isn't every situation, some do work out. But I lost my best friend, and for a while it devistated me. Just be very cautious. Like I said before in my last post, he may be trying to protect you and the friendship that the two of you have.

[Everclear09]

Thank you sooooooooooooo much packersgirl (By the way, are you a Green Bay Packer Fan? Cause if you are...I am too! I LOVE Brett Favre) I still want him oh so much to remain in my life. Sitting at work today I thought, I can't live without him. The world just won't be the same. I think, like you said, he may be trying to save what we still have left. Like I said earlier, it's gonna be really, really, hard for me....but I'm just gonna have to try my hardest. I still haven't spoken to him....It upsets me that he still hasn't tried to call but he's probably thinking the same thing I'm thinking....give it time. But thanks again so much. And your story of your best male friend (I'm sorry) made that not want that to happen to me. Thanks so much again....If you're interested I'll keep you updated with what happens.....

[packersgirl]

Yes!! Keep me updated! I'd love to hear what comes of your friendship with him... I really hope you don't lose him! It would break my heart to hear about it just as much as it would break yours!!! And yes, I am a GreenBay Packers fan. I love Brett too!

[packersgirl]

Oh! And one more thing. Call him! Guys are stupid, he probably thinks that calling you will lead you on in some way. Seriously, in an effort to try and get your friendship back to normal, start doing things you used to do. But, before you go and see him get a mindset of FRIENDSHIP ONLY! Then the entire time you're with him, look at him with the eyes of a friend, not of a possible romantic partner. If the thought of you two enters your mind, acknowledge it (trying to block it out will only cause you to think about it more), then change thoughts.

 

Anyway, keep me updated!

[Everclear09]

My goodness, I forgot to thannk Fallen_Angel too! (Sorry) Thanks for being honest with me and your words were not harsh at all. (They were what I needed to here) I think I'm going to be thinking the same thing for awhile "maybe the more time I spend with him, he'll realize he wants to be with me" but I think have to look pass that. Hey, maybe one day down the road it will happen. I think he did have a change of heart or something....or even better someone got to him. Who knows? I want to find out though. Thanks again Fallen_Angel. Talk to you later!

[Everclear09]

Yeah, I definitely want to call him sometime soon. (It is really killing me that I haven't heard from him) I'll consider calling him today...I guess we'll have to see what happens. Goodness, I hope he isn't that dumb to think he likes me if he calls me (to me, it would only show that he cares) I think him and I had plans for sometime next week anyway. I do wish we could go back to what we had. It's gonna be really hard to look into those big brown, hazel eyes of his and only see him as a best friend. But it's better than nothing....right?

 

By the way, The Packers are definitely gonna beat the Vikings.......and it's home. They'll definitely win in Lambeau! I'm a litte concerned about Brett's hand though....I guess we'll have to wait and see Sunday.

 

But Yes, I'll definitely keep you posted.....Like I said I may consider calling him. (I hope he hasn't made any plans) I'll probably post something later on tonight. Talk to you later!

[Fallen_Angel]

It's okay. And I certainly think you should keep us posted!

 

I do agree it is better to have the guy in your life as a friend as opposed to not having him around at all...after all, you're close! It's not easy to get through the day: you always see or hear something you know would make him laugh, you watch the TV show you know you both like, you hear a song that reminds you of him and so on. But like I said, it's really important that you extricate your feelings for him from your friendship.

 

If not, you'll definitely feel hurt even imagining him with another girl. And what happens if he starts seeing someone? It's a total downward spiral. Even though you get to enjoy your friendship with the guy, you're hurting yourself because you're nurturing feelings that won't be returned.

 

I'd have to say that what really helped me get past my feelings once and for all was meeting my current boyfriend. By that point I'd finally come to grips with the fact that my friend didn't have any romantic interest in me whatsover and nothing I could do would change that. I know it's cliched, but I also figure if I hadn't gotten past that way of thinking, I would have rejected a really great guy.

 

Now I feel like things have finally gotten back to the way they were before my friend and I started dating. Granted, we can't hang out as often (he also has a significant other), but when we do talk I know I can tell him anything and I'm not worried about any sort of feelings getting in the way.

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! Hehe.

[Everclear09]

Alright.....It finally happened, we spoke. I call him earlier this morning and I left a message for him saying I was ready to talk to him. He eventually called me later and said "come on over, I'm home" (It brought back memories!)

 

Anyway, I told him how much this whole thing had been hurting me for the pass several days. He said ever since Wednesday when he had to tell me that he just wanted to remain friends was when everything for him went bad. He said that he felt awful all day. He started smoking again.....which is a bad thing because he's (I guess you can say) been "smoke free" for 6 months. He even said he didn't care about the condition of his 2003 Civic and was more concerned about losing me. (Yeah, he was driving too fast to begin with AND he was driving drunk and ended up hitting a drain pipe. He told me today it's gonna cost $5000 dollars to fix the damage) When I asked him if there were/was any feelings for me, he said he "loves me as a friend." (Which I thought was a very good thing to say because it shows me he cares for me) It was a pretty productive conversation but the only part that pissed me off was when I asked him, what would have happened if we had sex? (Which probably would have happened if I didn't say something) You'd still want to be my friend.....and he started shaking his head and said "Yep" He also said (I'm quoting him here) "That I was probably thinking with my Dick than my head." (I appreciate the honesty but that was definitely not what I wanted to hear) I also told him that I had such a good time sunday night, at the concert, at his house and I have no regrets. When I asked him if he had any regrets he said he regrets "the aftermath." He did also admit that he made a mistake. I said a big mistake. He started talking about this female friend of his that called him up last night and was yelling at him for ruining his car. I said "oh she probably likes you too." And he said "Yeah, she does. It annoys me that she likes me because I don't like her." I then asked him "Oh, well than are you annoyed with me?" and he said "No" (I thought that was a good comment too)

 

I don't know. It looks like we're on our way to the way things use to be...but it's hard. I don't know. I'm confused. Why can't love AND life be so simple? Goodness!

[packersgirl]

I'm glad you two talked! Getting things out in the open is always the best thing to do (even though I'm choosing not to talk my own advice at the moment, I'm having confusing problems with one of my guy friends). It does sound like he truly cares about you, and that he wants more than anything for things to go back to normal.

 

Let us know what happens next!!!

[Odradek]

Hey ever, sorry to crash your thread like this, but reading the great advice you're getting from packers and fallen I just can't help but wish I got some of my own. I have a similar situation to yours, only I'm the guy, and could really use some female insight. If you guys could read my post "Is this my chance to jump in...yadayada" and tell me what you think I'd really appreciatte it.

 

And again, ever, sorry and best of luck.

[ockey53]

I also am the guy in a "best friend relationship" that is in love with the girl. But the girl wants "only friends." It's kind of a weird relationship.... cause she's a model and I got into amateur photography for her. So it kinda drives me nuts to see her in lingerie and changing in front of me (I haven't seen anything but man). My post is "Can best friends become lovers?" There is some good comments on that post too, if you wanna take a look.

[exotic_angel]

i don't think that u have scared him, sounds to me like he enjoyed the kiss jus as much as u did.. but if he said that he wants things to go back the way they were b4 then let it be, u don't want to lose his friednship..

but becasue u are habouring all these other emotions i think u should ask him what the kiss meant, and then u can move futher from there.

good luck

[Everclear09]

Hey, thanks exotic angel. I still have some unanswered questions that I still want the answers to. I do think he's keeping his feelings from me. After reading your post, I am getting the impression that he really did enjoy the kiss (just as much as me) and hasn't admitted his feelings to me. I'm assuming or guessing that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, rather than have me as a girlfriend. We've been hanging out a lot (like it used to be), like the kiss never happened, but whenever I look at him I wonder if he'll ever kiss me again. Thanks again exotic angel!