wHattheWorld Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 I feel sort of foolish sharing with complete strangers, but I really need some objective opinions. My husband and I have been married less than 4 years(dated for 6) and a significant amount of drama has occured in that short amount of time. I found early in our marriage that we didn't connect much on an emotional level and the physical "newlywed" stage slipped off as well. I am young, and was stupid to think that it was ok to spend time at different ends of the house. The only affection he showed me was in the bedroom, which like I said wasn't much. Anyway, I found out that he was an alcoholic. Immediately I was crushed. It did explain the lack of attention and I realized what a fool I had been. I was withdrawn for a legnth of time, lost 30lbs in the ordeal. Since then it's been a rollercoaster ride. I told him I didn't know him anymore, didn't trust him and I was considering leaving. He of course begged me to stay, even made up bogus vacation plans(where we went on our honeymoon)told me he had massages scheduled and the whole nine yards. I called and it was a lie..a big one. We stopped having sex after that. I realized that I had used sex as a means of affection, like I said it was all I could get out of him. So, I resented myself and was sickened that I had allowed myself to sink that low. After the vacation deal, it was porn. He rented 300$worth of porn off of the satellite and hid the bills. He visited websites and caught viruses on our computer, he later lied about that too. Next was the pushing. He'd harass me to have sex with him. Always pushing himself on me, making foul comments. I went to counseling because I knew I was in too deep. He said I was co-depentant(no kiddin') and sent me on my way. Now 2 years later I'm still in it. My h has changed some. He's not drinking like he did, stays at home most of the time, and still hounds me for sex. The problem is I still don't want it. I think I still want out of this disfunctional relationship. I tried to leave a few months ago but he called constantly and I feel sorry for him. I know that I'm not happy, not in love with him anymore..but I can't convince myself that it's the right thing to do. He's like a child when it comes to this. We don't have any children for him to manipulate me with, but we have a cat and a dog. He's even went as far as saying"aren't you gonna tell the dog bye". He's grasping at straws and I know that, but the guilt and manipulation is more than I can bear. I just don't know if my happiness is worth his pain. If anyone has been through this, please..I'll take all the advice I can get.
moimeme Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Is there anything left of the original reasons you wanted to marry him? Is there any regard for him left in you? If so, check out <URL removed> It sounds like he's trying to do his part by quitting drinking and staying home so he may be willing to work with you to rebuild the relationship - if you're willing.
immoralist Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 I just don't know if my happiness is worth his pain. If anyone has been through this, please..I'll take all the advice I can get. Yes, your happiness is paramount. From your post it appears that you don't love, like, respect or even desire this man who's your husband. You're married to a man whom you perceive as lacking in every department. Why do you remain? Dump him, and move on.
moimeme Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Once upon a time, thoughts of one's happiness to the exclusion of that of others was known as 'selfishness' and not thought praiseworthy.
immoralist Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 On second thought, continue your sexless, loveless and affection-less co-dependent marriage with your alcoholic, porn addicted and sex nagging husband. Your happiness means nothing: it's the dead Marriage that must be maintained no matter the personal cost. What price virtue?
moimeme Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Funny but I could have sworn I said 'try to work with him to turn things around', not 'suffer endlessly for all time'. Must be a cel phone. Can you hear me now?
MassiveAtom Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 My take is to forgive, try to understand, be compassionate and kind. it's ill advised to "Dump" anyone. It's done far too often and unfortunatlely, the world is left with so many useless piles of refuse, that soon the stench is overwhelming. So how do you get out without dumping him? Understand that you care about him as a PERSON, with all the frailties inherent and present, work it out within yourself to forgive yourself AND him for everything, don't blame or fault anyone for being who they are, and when you feel that visceral embrace of peace, decide. If he chooses to react counterproductively, he has only himself to answer to. You are not responsible for the actions of anyone else. His emotions are his. Allow him to regain control of them. So it's time for your relationship to change. Change is inevitable in this world. It appears that you know this innately. You have learned what you needed to learn, and there's no use going back over it again and again. Your happiness is priceless, and of infinite value. So is his. You are consciously understanding the parts of yourself that tell you that you have grown out of your marriage. Allow yourself the room to continue your progress or you will surely have to regress to escape. It's like the chapter in Alice in Wonderland, "Rabbit sends in a little Bill" Alice grows so fast that her surroundings become confining, and there's no way out except to accept she has to become lesser somehow. If she'd only had the foresight to take the risk when there wouldn't be any collateral damage, then she would have never felt trapped, and could've continued without pain. Your emotional ties are seemingly broken. His ties to you are binding like a too-tight pair of pants in a undergarment-free area. If I were there, I'd tell you to take off the pants.
Author wHattheWorld Posted November 13, 2004 Author Posted November 13, 2004 Yes, the pants are WAY too tight! If there were a nail, you certainly hit it on the head. I feel like he's very immature and what I want in my life has changed/grown, and I don't think he has. I understand that when he pushes at me I get farther and farther away. We don't even fight anymore because it's not worth the hassel. He's been looking on the internet for local singles..maybe he'll find someone and have to break the news to me. ; ) Sorry, I have to find some humor in this or I'll go insane. It's definately the hardest thing by far that I've ever had to do. I love him as a person(not in love) so I can't bring myself to hurt him. But I also realize that by putting this(which seems inevitable)off much longer is hurting him also.
MassiveAtom Posted November 13, 2004 Posted November 13, 2004 There's only one thing left to do. Really take a conscious look at yourself and reconcile your understanding of commitment, with the decision to leave. And then you're on your way. Commitments are easy to make when you're happy and things look bright and rosy. It's when they start to bind and cause struggle when the commitment is tested, and ultimately the whole concept defined. You are free to break your commitments, but be careful what those actions do to YOU. Live strong mA
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