Am I regressing...?

[Inflikted]

When it comes to the idea of dating, I've never been much of a typical guy. Ever since I was of dating age (about 16), I was always more the "hopeless romantic" type, I didn't really care about sex, I just wanted to find someone I connected with and could be really happy with. Most other guys, on the other hand, tend to typically think with their "other" head, and are more interested in sex and "having fun". As those guys get older, they tend to mature, and start thinking about "settling down" with someone they have a real connection with and real feelings for.

 

Me, on the other hand, I'm 24, almost 25, and I've had no success finding the connection I've always wanted. Never had a girlfriend, never even been on a date. I can count on one hand the number of girls I've even ever liked enough to ask out, and none of them were attracted to me. The last one, in particular, I took very hard (and I still struggle with), because she was the most amazing girl I'd ever met.

 

Having gone through a lot of heartache, disappointment, sadness, and loneliness, I've started to think that maybe it's time I accept that what I really want (a happy healthy "normal" relationship with someone I connect with and enjoy a lot) is just not a possibility for me. And with that, I've started to think that if I can't have the mental/ emotional intimacy I really want, maybe I'm better off pursuing purely physical intimacy.

 

For the last several months, I've been looking into trying to find casual sex partners. I haven't had any success with that, yet, but recently, I've been pursuing this older woman for a FWB type relationship, and she's been on board so far, and if all goes well, she's going to be my first ever sex partner in the next couple of weeks. And depending on how that goes, I plan to start looking for other sex partners.

 

In other words, most guys tend to be sex-driven for years before maturing and settling down. Me, I was mature, looking for something "real", but after a lot of heartache and disappointment, I'm trying to push away from that, but I'm seeking something less "mature" now. Part of me thinks I'm better off this way, seeking purely "physical" intimacy, as opposed to trying to push myself to believe what I REALLY want is out there somewhere, when I know that it is, in fact, not out there.

 

But the part of me that was mature and wanted something "real" hasn't quite been edged out completely, and that part of me questions whether I'm doing the right thing, and whether or not I'm regressing in a bad way, here.

[DannyMason]

Hi, Inflikted.

 

No, I don't think you're "regressing" for wanting casual sex now instead of a relationship. For one, a lot of people have casual sex in between relationships so they'd be kind of cycling sex-relationship-sex-relationship. Just find a girl in a sex phase.

 

It may also be that you had unhealthy views about sex being immoral when you were younger so you were after a relationship because you viewed it as being the morally better. If that's true (it certainly was for me and we're pretty much in the same boat) then by accepting your sexuality you're actually making progress.

[hppr]

Lots of young people have starry-eyed notions about relationships and romance, then you go out on dates and get burned.

 

It's like when you read these stories about how some girl is "...so nice and we have a lot in common" and then six months later "...what a bitch!"

 

If you want to know how to attract fun, attractive women then you need to be a fun attractive guy. The guy who goes out to parties/clubs/interesting hobbies, the guy who dresses and grooms himself well. As soon as you figure out how to do that I think those girls who are ignoring you will take notice.

 

Casual relationships are hit or miss especially with an 'older woman'. I don't think it's a bad choice for someone in your position just keep in mind it's not gonna last.

[Inflikted]

No, I don't think you're "regressing" for wanting casual sex now instead of a relationship. For one, a lot of people have casual sex in between relationships so they'd be kind of cycling sex-relationship-sex-relationship. Just find a girl in a sex phase.

 

I guess, but I feel like I should be more concerned about the risks and whatnot. I mean, even using protection, I could still get an STD, or cause an accidental pregnancy. Neither of those are very appealing to me, but they're still big possibilities. Heck, the woman I'm planning to be FWB is kinda kinky, it seems. She told me she has two other ongoing sex partners, though she claims she and both of those guys get tested regularly and they're all clean (she also says she has an IUD). I'd like to believe that, but the fact that I don't know any of that for sure is enough to give me some reservations. But then again, any woman willing to have casual sex probably has similar "baggage" that you just have to take them for their word on.

 

It may also be that you had unhealthy views about sex being immoral when you were younger so you were after a relationship because you viewed it as being the morally better. If that's true (it certainly was for me and we're pretty much in the same boat) then by accepting your sexuality you're actually making progress.

 

Eh. I don't know about that. My upbringing was never particularly strict and/ or "anti-sex". I just always liked sappy "romantic comedy" shows and movies, though, and I was always very tickled by the idea of finding someone that's a "best friend" figure first and a sex partner second. Not to mention, I've never been great at making and keeping friends, so I always wanted someone I could have that kind of dynamic with primarily, but also have physical intimacy with them, as well.

 

If you want to know how to attract fun, attractive women then you need to be a fun attractive guy. The guy who goes out to parties/clubs/interesting hobbies, the guy who dresses and grooms himself well. As soon as you figure out how to do that I think those girls who are ignoring you will take notice.

 

Yeah, but I really can't see myself ever being THAT guy. I mean, I take care of myself, in terms of grooming and hygiene, and I try to dress in a fitting way, and I try to maintain a "playful" attitude with people. But I just don't think I'll ever be that "fun exciting interesting" kind of guy. It's just not me, unfortunately.

 

Finding places to go, things to do, and people to spend time with is extremely hard, especially when your parents pretty much raised you to be a socially inept homebody, like mine did. You might as well be speaking a foreign language to me, with this kind of thing. It's not that I don't want to get out more and have a more socially active life, but it's just something I never properly "learned", and something I still struggle to wrap my brain around.