Why would he ignore me?

[Plain_Jayne]

Why would my boyfriend basically ignore me during a 3some?

 

A little bit of back story. I have always wanted a 3some well before I even met him. He has always wanted a 3some well before he met me.

 

We got together 3 years ago, we discussed our 3some desires maybe 2 years ago but we decided to wait until our relationship was rock solid.

 

We have done it 4 times now. The first time he couldn’t get an erection, nerves I guess, so we did everything we could. The 2nd and 3rd times were great, I was very turned on watching him with another woman, we all had a great time. This 4th time was with a different woman and out of maybe 2 hours him and I were together for maybe 20 minutes, her and I for maybe 30. The other hour or so I felt like an outsider watching them go for it.

 

Why would he do that? Because of this we can never do it again so he has ruined it for both of us. He says it wont happen again but has offered no real reason as to why it happened. Maybe if we just went back to the 1st woman where things were great it might be ok?

 

Is this a normal thing when just starting out with 3somes? Is it normal behavior or should I be worried?

[Plain_Jayne]

Who are these girls? 2 hours of sex hmmm.

 

Why does that matter?

 

The first was a friend. The second we picked up at a bar.

[Space Ritual]

Why would my boyfriend basically ignore me during a 3some?

 

A little bit of back story. I have always wanted a 3some well before I even met him. He has always wanted a 3some well before he met me.

 

We got together 3 years ago, we discussed our 3some desires maybe 2 years ago but we decided to wait until our relationship was rock solid.

 

We have done it 4 times now. The first time he couldn’t get an erection, nerves I guess, so we did everything we could. The 2nd and 3rd times were great, I was very turned on watching him with another woman, we all had a great time. This 4th time was with a different woman and out of maybe 2 hours him and I were together for maybe 20 minutes, her and I for maybe 30. The other hour or so I felt like an outsider watching them go for it.

 

Why would he do that? Because of this we can never do it again so he has ruined it for both of us. He says it wont happen again but has offered no real reason as to why it happened. Maybe if we just went back to the 1st woman where things were great it might be ok?

 

Is this a normal thing when just starting out with 3somes? Is it normal behavior or should I be worried?

 

The reason he ignored you is because you opened a can of worms....Threeways and group sex are all fine and good as long as the participants are not insecure about who is with who and there are firm boundaries established....problem is with these situations that generally there is no such thing as "equal time" so that being said you just experienced what many people do.....your boyfriend was way more turned on and into having sex with the other woman than he was you...sorry to be blunt but it is what it is. Especially if you picked the second one up at a bar, I am sure it was much more of an "illicit" adventure for him than the one you planned with the friend and he obviously felt he had free reign to explore that illicit adventure...

 

Many 3ways end badly for this exact reason.....obviously your relationship is not as solid as you thought.

[Plain_Jayne]

your boyfriend was way more turned on and into having sex with the other woman than he was you...sorry to be blunt but it is what it is. Especially if you picked the second one up at a bar, I am sure it was much more of an "illicit" adventure for him than the one you planned with the friend and he obviously felt he had free reign to explore that illicit adventure...

 

Yes, this was the one that we picked up from the bar. I can understand that with her being 'new' that you would naturally be drawn to what is new and exciting.

 

I don't have an issue with him being with her, I was very turned on by it. I just wish either of them thought for a moment that this is a 3some and there is a third person. I wanted to be with her as much as he did.

 

I did all the ground work, I chatted her up, I said I had a boyfriend and propositioned her, it was very exciting. Bit when we got home I just felt a little left out, I loved what they did with each other, I just wanted to join in more.

 

I am guessing that if we continue to see her (they have both expressed interest) that each time the 'newness' would wear off and it would become much more 'even'.

[Plain_Jayne]

if you're feeling left out, get in there! Don't sit around waiting to get called into the game

 

Yes, I will be more aggressive next time.

 

That said, you're a brave girl. I've had threesomes before but never on home turf. I couldn't handle it.

 

We set up the spare room for these encounters. Our main bedroom, is our room, our bed, no-one else is welcome there.

 

I spoke to a friend about this, she has had threesomes as well. She says that most men overcompensate and spend more time with their partner not less. She says I should be happy because he is obviously very comfortable with me and our situation and didn't feel the need to compensate. Sounds reasonable doesn't it?

 

I will speak to him of course but I want my head clear on where I am at before I do.

[Space Ritual]

That could backfire on your quite nastily to be honest. But if - if - you choose to hook up with her again, you'd do well to make sure everyone knows you're not there to play referee. That said, most people don't set out an egg timer on the nightstand during a threesome to make sure everyone gets equal attention so if you're feeling left out, get in there! Don't sit around waiting to get called into the game; I know I don't have to tell you not to be shy.

 

and that right there is probably the best advice anyone can give you on this thread.

[road]

Another example why threesomes are bad. Eventually there is a train wreck.`

[Plain_Jayne]

Another example why threesomes are bad. Eventually there is a train wreck.`

 

There has been no train wreck here.

 

I was worried because I believed I was being ignored. I was openminded enough to realise that it may be normal to be attracted to something new. I asked to see if other that are more experienced had opinions.

 

The opinions have eased my fears.

 

Where's the train wreck?

[coffeebean201]

Why does that matter?

 

The first was a friend. The second we picked up at a bar.

 

 

He's different sexually with a woman he actually knows?

[The Way I Am]

I am guessing that if we continue to see her (they have both expressed interest) that each time the 'newness' would wear off and it would become much more 'even'.

 

That could backfire on your quite nastily to be honest.

 

Just want to make sure you saw that part of contrefaire's advice.

 

If you want to continue threesomes, my suggestion would be not to consistently stick to this one woman. I'm not into threesomes myself, and I'd never advise them in a relationship, so I offer this with the disclaimer that I'm not talking from first hand experience.

 

But if you switch up the women, the newness effect (if in fact that's what was going on) on your bf will still wear off, because he'll consistently get someone new. Subsequent new women will be less of a distraction from you than the first new woman. And you'll decrease the chance that he'll get emotionally attached to another woman or you'll start to build jealousy toward that woman, which has a higher chance of happening if you have an ongoing arrangement with only one particular woman.

[Plain_Jayne]

I just thought I would come back and update. I know it's only been a few weeks but so much has changed.

 

For anyone considering threesomes be prepared for the initial shock when you may feel you are being ignored but let me assure you it does get better, much much better.

 

We have continued on seeing this woman that initially I was wary of but as we have all become incredibly comfortable with each other and the new attraction wore off it has become incredible. I honestly couldn't be happier.

 

A lot of people say these all end badly and scare people off from trying. Initially was starting to fear that to be true but I am so glad I pushed through my fears and now share these incredible experiences with my boyfriend. It is also such a turn on to say to others that I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

 

It worked out for me, it could work out for you.

[The Way I Am]

I know it's only been a few weeks but so much has changed.

 

It worked out for me, it could work out for you.

 

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself so far, but come on. You're recommending lifestyle choices to others after only a few weeks of success? I wouldn't recommend a shampoo after only a few weeks. Come back in a year or two and tell us how great it's still going then your recommendation will have some weight.

 

I have to wonder why you posted this though. Are you naive enough to believe that 2 weeks of something working is indicative of long-term success or do you have some other motivation for wanting to convince others that you made a good choice?

[Plain_Jayne]

do you have some other motivation for wanting to convince others that you made a good choice?

 

Oh yeah of course I do. I want the whole world to be open to multiple partners that way when we are looking we'll have a whole lot more to choose from. <joke>.

 

Seriously though. stop being so judgmental, I was just telling my story and the short time frame was freely acknowledged by myself. It's not like I was trying to con people into doing it.

[Space Ritual]

Well if it is working for you then congratulations!!! Please remember though that it has been a pretty short duration since you started this thread, and that those feelings can change at any time for any reason. So as long as you all are communicative about your expectations, then enjoy yourself.

 

Those situations are not for everyone, so always take into account that some of us that were (and may continue to be skeptical) give our advice and opinions based on our experiences. My experiences in that realm all turned out negatively for me so like any advice here, take what you need and leave the rest:)

 

Good Luck

[The Way I Am]

Oh yeah of course I do. I want the whole world to be open to multiple partners that way when we are looking we'll have a whole lot more to choose from. <joke>.

 

If that's a joke, then why did you come here posting about how everyone should try it? It's one thing to come back and update that things are going well so far and how happy you are. But it's a little odd to come back sounding all sales-pitchy about a lifestyle decision based on a couple weeks worth of experience. Like I said, I don't know whether you really are that naive or if you have some weird ulterior motive like trying to convince yourself by convincing others, you're a troll or what.

 

Seriously though. stop being so judgmental, I was just telling my story and the short time frame was freely acknowledged by myself. It's not like I was trying to con people into doing it.

 

Please. What I am judging other than your naivety? If I were judging that lifestyle, I wouldn't have been giving you advice on how to best proceed with the arrangement you were wanted. I'm not into threesomes, but I happen to think different types of relationships can work for different people. And I know people who've had open relationships and trinogamous relationships -- including someone who endured several months of backstabbing by one of his partners before he was painfully dumped by both people who instead chose several years into it to instead have a monogymous relationship that excluded him. I would be surprised if many people who got dumped by their initial SO for the 3rd person in the relationship weren't enjoying the threesome 2 weeks into it.

 

Let's apply what you said to a different situation. Let's say I met some guy and we decided to just get married on the spot. Two or three weeks in, I'm ecstatic and over the moon crazy about him. If I were to say I'm so glad I rushed into marriage. "It worked out for me, it could work out for you." I would sound like a naive idiot, wouldn't I?

 

Like I said, if it's still working in a couple years, then come back and tell everyone how you recommend it for them. Until then, you just sound immature saying things like that.

Edited September 14, 2013 by The Way I Am

[BeholdtheMan]

You made your bed...now lie on it. Seriously, ppl these days