My fiance has a problem with alcohol.

[goodhardman]

Hello, this is my first post on these forums. I have been reading them a lot for a few weeks now and you seem like a great group of people to open up to. That being said this is extremely hard to do for me.

 

I am 24 and my fiance is 21. We have been together for 2.5 years, engaged for 1.5 or so. She makes me happy, and overall we have a great relationship. Life is great. I have a serious job that I am set to make extremely good money in, in a few years time. She is finishing her high school up.

 

That being said, my fiance has a problem with alcohol. She doesnt drink often, but there have been some very serious events in our past, from her drinking.

 

1- We were out on a party bus for MY birthday, and it goes to various bars. she got so drunk that at the bar she kept pulling up her dress and flashing her vagina to me over and over telling me to **** her, I am sure that others saw. I couldn't get her to stop. I am a big, grown man and she reduced me to tears and effectively ruined my birthday.

 

2- We had taken a pill or two of ecstacy at a friends party, and she got drunk again as well as rolling. I wasn't drinking. She ended up making out with a girl for a good while. I was feeling pretty good and I was into it. It went too far though, the girl ended up fingering her for a few seconds, which only I knew about. I feel that the incident made our friend pass judgement on us and ever since then our relationship with that group has never been good.

 

It gets far worse.

 

We headed home with the girl that kissed my fiance and her female friend. I thought we were going to get some three way action going, which I have never done before or at all to this day. Well the girl's friend convinced her to leave, which was okay. After they left, my fiance became enraged about going to find her camera for some reason ( which was in my car) she ran outside our apartment with no shoes or keys or nothing.

 

I went out after her, she immediately became irrationally mad at me I told her we would find it, she had no way of even getting in my vehicle! She started hitting me, which she never has before or since. It was a drunken and rolling one off. I tried to talk sense into her, and she tried to bite my face. It was really bad.. She was a rambling mess saying I hate you, we're done etc. she bit my face, I got her off before she could cause permanent damage and restrained her.

 

I called her mother and asked her for help saying I didnt know what to do. She called the police. So many cars showed up and they took her to the drunk tank, I talked to officers. I believed there was no where else that could keep her safely, she was a MESS, she snapped. It was almost bordenline personality disorder symptoms.

 

She lost her engagement ring in the process, which a good Samaritan found and returned. the police gave it to ME implying that I shouldnt be engaged to her any more. I did ask her if she still wanted to get married and she said yes.

 

We quit drinking for a year. I loved it, I never liked drinking that much in the first place. We did smoke weed often, and do ecstacy here and there. Things were GREAT, nothing remotely similar occurred.

 

We came to a mutual agreement recently to start drinking again, but I felt pressured. Since then I have shown little interest to do so. She has drank at least once a week. We have agreed not to get drunk or mix E with it.

 

I don't know what will happen if she gets drunk again. I wish we could still not drink as I don\t need to, I can handle my **** when I am extremely intoxicated. Worst case scenario I will want to crash on someones couch, I love to sleep when I'm drunk!

 

She has a few single friends who get drunk a lot, and even try to convince her to drink when she is on E. So far she has been good and only had a few drinks here and there.

 

I have been out of town for 3 weeks working my ass to the bone. In that time she has gone out to a rave, to a club twice and to a bar. I trust her when she goes out, but I am smart enough to see a bad pattern here.

 

drinking problems > 1 year no drinking > very light drinking > increased drinking

 

The other night she said she wanted to have a drink to "forget" about her ****ty day, I was talking to her on the phone. I said that doesn't sound like a healthy thing to do, in a completely inoffensive way. She got mad at me.

 

I am on a straight arrow path to success, I have had my trials and tribulations with drugs and alcohol and tey almost ruined my life. My fiance is doing well too, in her schooling, working out, etc. I am proud of her.

 

These past instances though have made me weary for the future. I have no right to tell her not to drink, and I shouldn't have to. I would feel 1000% better if she didnt though, and more confident of these events not reoccurring.

 

Can anyone please offer me some insight or suggestion on the topic? I may add more specific, pointed questions at a later time. I just had to get it out there. Thanks.

[Balzac]

She is finishing her high school up.

 

fiance is 21

 

Am I reading this correctly? Are you in the USA?

[Balzac]

Oops! Greetings! Welcome to LS. Serious problems you're dealing with.

[goodhardman]

Yes she is 21 and finishing up high school, I am in Canada not in the USA. She had a particularly ****ty home life growing up, I can't say I would have done any better in her situation.

[pie2]

These past instances though have made me weary for the future. I have no right to tell her not to drink, and I shouldn't have to. I would feel 1000% better if she didnt though, and more confident of these events not reoccurring.

 

I agree you don't have a right to tell her not to drink. But I think it's reasonable to have a discussion with her, letting her know that you like your life better without alcohol in it.

 

She may decide to continue. If you choose to stay, I would recommend counseling, hopefully for the both of you. And Al-Anon for you. Whatever problems she may have, you've chosen to stay with her, and I think you should try to figure out why.

 

Best of luck, goodhardman.

[Balzac]

Her family of origin has addiction problems?

 

It's inappropriate to ask her not to drink. That outs you into a seriously bad position. It's not solely about fairness.

 

btw sorry she had a rough upbringing.

[2sunny]

Please consider leaving her. Your life will be hell if you stay, believe me I have experience.

 

IF you marry her - wait another 10 years to see how she progresses (or declines).

[goodhardman]

So I talked to her last night, I am still out of town for a couple days. She told me specifically that she didn't get drunk at all since I was gone, and hen she went on to tell me blacked out for a while whilst at the beach/club with friends, then she said she wasn't sure If she did. She drank 1/4 to 1/3 of a 26oz bottle. Now I am 80 pounds more than her an that would get me drunk..

 

I caught her in a lie and I am me tally unable to deal with this right now, in addition to being away from home and missing everyone. I have chosen not to talk about it again until I get home with her.

 

At this point I don't see leavin her as an option. I want to find ways to strengthen our relationship, but I feel that her getti g drunk, which she had previously told me wouldn't jepreodizes our relation ships integrity.

 

At this point I ready to say ok do whatever you want, I will continue not to drink (rather spend my time in the gym etc) and you do whatever you want, but if it hurts the relationship it's on you. I am quite distraught, so please bear with me..

[goodhardman]

Family has no addiction problems with drugs, evangelism unfortunately is their drug of choice. Fiancé does not share beliefs but they are very harmful beliefs in my eyes to her and her younger siblings. Some absolutely ridiculous beliefs..

[Balzac]

Addicts lie. She's very likely also in denial. You need to attend Alanon to learn how to be with her but not lose your reality.

 

Sorry this is tough.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes AlAnon- you don't need her permission or even for her to admit she has a problem with alcohol to attend those meetings. I would suggest looking some up and attending a few as soon as possible.

[goodhardman]

Thank you for the advice, alanon seems like the consensus. I have attended a meeting in the past with a prior girlfriend, and she didn't really take to it. Agai. She had he problem and I was there to support her.

 

Alcohol seems to be my family's curse, I has haunted my mothers side of our family for generations. I just want a moderate life where we can enjoy a beer or three without getting too drunk. Almost all the bad things that have happened to me in my life have been alcohol related.

 

Alanon and relationship counselling are in order I believe

[SoleMate]

She is a very troubled alcoholic. Life with her will be a roller coaster of pain.

 

We all hope that she will get help, open her eyes, develop emotional coping skills and self-control, but it's only a hope. Most people with these issues don't overcome them, IMO.

[2sunny]

Please consider leaving her. Your life will be hell if you stay, believe me I have experience.

 

IF you marry her - wait another 10 years to see how she progresses (or declines).

 

Please consider this.

 

Your problems will just become bigger if you stay. Alcoholism is a progressive disease...it gets worse as time goes along - unless she's totally willing to not drink again.

 

You forcing her to not drink doesn't help her. Usually the controlling one behind the drinker gets blamed for a lot - you want to be her whipping post? Why? Don't do it!

[goodhardman]

The thing is that she proved to me that she could quit for a year, an even now she doesn't drink nearly as much. I think she knows that she has a problem and doesn't tend to get drunk any more.

 

I guess im overly hopeful that things will work themselves out, but I now realize that we need help doing it.

[Balzac]

A "problem with alcohol" is defined as drinking causes problems in one's life.

That can be interpreted in many ways by the "drinker".

 

I think you could help yourself by informing yourself about problem drinkers.

It's often the case that they can stop drinking for lengthy periods of time. They often "control" their drinking. Knowledge is power. I'd encourage you to get facts about what % of success MOST alcoholics enjoy in the world of kicking their habit.

 

She needs support in the way of her own problem drinking. Why she drinks.

 

To need support to not engage in codependency regarding her problem drinking.

 

You may both need relationship counseling.

 

She must take her own journey on the drinking.

[NXS]

The thing is that she proved to me that she could quit for a year, an even now she doesn't drink nearly as much. I think she knows that she has a problem and doesn't tend to get drunk any more.

 

I guess im overly hopeful that things will work themselves out, but I now realize that we need help doing it.

 

Don't marry this woman! If you think you have problems now just wait until kids/mortgages/loans are added to the picture. Don't do this for your future children, you won't be able to trust her to look after them and your life will become a complete living nightmare.

[goodhardman]

So it thickens... Talked to her last night and caught her in a lie again.

 

Originally she said that she blacked out for a moment then didnt drink anymore, but then now she said she did drink after the incident later in the evening. She really is a terrible liar and can never keep a secret...

 

I don't even care about how much she drank, I care about the lying.

 

I came to a conclusion, that I don't care how much she drinks now. Originally I cared because she told me 1. Ill only have three drinks max, then it evolved to 2. I won't get drunk, then 3. I drank all day blacked out for a short time then stopped drinking, then all of that plus more drinks later on at a party.

 

I don't care anymore how much she drinks, if she says she's got it under control and acts faithfully etc which I do believe, then **** it.

 

I did make it clear that I will never be there to save her if she does get too drunk, and that if we are together and she gets too drunk, I will simply leave and ask her once if she's coming with me or not. Also that I will not be coerced I to drinking just because she enjoys it.

 

When it comes down to it, this makes sense to me. She can do what she wants, prove to me that she has learned and has control, and that I have no liability for her actions.

 

Most of the **** that happened could have been much less worse if I would have just let her drunk ass at the party or whatever and let her do her damage, I would have suffered much less. I'm not a knight on a white steed.

 

On the plus side I can do whatever I want and and she can't say ****. The worst of which would be.. I don't know I don't really do anything she doesn't like but yeah.

 

She said that going out and drinking all day was the most fun she had all year.. Which was without me, that hurt. I probably would have felt the same if I was there. I am in a remote northern location where fun is nearly non existent

 

Once I arrive back in the city in a few days I believe I will have a much better grasp on the situation. It's been hard out here so far. I will mull over it some more.

 

The one redeeming fact here too, is that we don't plan to get married until 2016, a 5 year engagement. We are in no rush but I knew early on that this woman was good for me though there are quirks. By then she should have her college diploma etc.

 

If things go south, I am not force to marry the girl, but I remain diligent and positive.

 

I try to look at all the positives. My life has improved immensely since I hav been in this relationship. So has here. I had a pretty ****ed up life beforehand, and Ive straightened out nicely, with her support. I see the same improvements in her, alas with some bumps in the road.

 

I hope I am thinking rationally right now, but I see little downside to me plan, it gives our relationship a fair chance without making assumptions, and as we have no kids, morgage, house right now the stakes are still low. The future will determine the right path to follow, I'm sure.

[goodhardman]

I am not an angel btw, I have lied to her before about things I knew would hurt her, so her eventually tellin me the truth means a lot.

 

The lies I told have no long term bearing on the relationship, I am loyal and committed. Mainly the few lies regard bad influence fiends coercing me to cheat and do drugs, which I did not do but I was not completely honest as to the gravity of the situation. I have since stopped contact with said friends and made an effort to better my life so as I say the lies did not hurt our relationship, it was t right, but I'm glad i did. I no longer lie about anything I am against it.

[2sunny]

Do you realize you wouldn't have all this negativity if you weren't with her?

[goodhardman]

I do believe you are right, but I have experienced at worse in the past with relationships. I do believe that every relationship comes with some negativity, I am coming to realize this may be excessive.

 

I have a very negative side to me and some depression, even though I am a confident good person. I am well versed in negativity and used to it unfortunately. I did not have a proper example of a happy normal relationship as my parents were very unhappy together and then divorce when I was young.

 

If there are many positives, and a few negatives the net effect is still happiness is it not?

 

I want to believe her when she says that things will never get out of control again. I want it more ban anything..

 

If things do go south, which time tell, i will never date a woman with drinking or drug issues again. That is an extreme contingency though.

[2sunny]

I do believe you are right, but I have experienced at worse in the past with relationships. I do believe that every relationship comes with some negativity, I am coming to realize this may be excessive.

 

I have a very negative side to me and some depression, even though I am a confident good person. I am well versed in negativity and used to it unfortunately. I did not have a proper example of a happy normal relationship as my parents were very unhappy together and then divorce when I was young.

 

If there are many positives, and a few negatives the net effect is still happiness is it not?

 

I want to believe her when she says that things will never get out of control again. I want it more ban anything..

 

If things do go south, which time tell, i will never date a woman with drinking or drug issues again. That is an extreme contingency though.

 

What do you mean IF things go south? They already ARE south... She lies - one of the top characteristics of a problem drinker - lying and minimizing what they've done.

 

You can't trust her - so there is NO foundation for a healthy relationship as it stands - AT ALL.

 

Get out while you can!

 

And LEARN about your family of origin - yes, you CHOOSE this because it is familiar and that is what you know to be YOUR normal - but IT IS NOT NORMAL!

 

Ad it doesn't need to be what YOU CHOOSE for your spouse - leave NOW while you can! You CAN choose different than what is normal for you - in order to get a different result.

 

I'm serious, it is a life of hell if YOU stay!!!!!

 

I say that as the alcoholic - who is in recovery for more than 5 years. Get out while you still have the chance!

 

 

YOU can't change HER - YOU CAN CHANGE THINGS FOR YOU!!!

[Balzac]

Nice share 2Sunny.

[2sunny]

Nice share 2Sunny.

 

Thanks buddy...

 

OP - behind every alcoholic is a really good controlling person trying to do their best to make the drinker behave! And the more you try and control her - the more she will do just the opposite of what you want. We are defiant ones - and it's a good reason to get mad at the one controlling - enough to have a VERY good excuse to drink again.

 

Do YOU want to spend all your time and energy trying to control her - only to have her resent YOU?

 

I doubt it!

 

RUN - RUN far, far away!

 

YOU can't fix this FOR HER!

 

She may never get well - heck, it took me until age 46 to finally say no more - and even then - I had to DO the hard work to get and stay sober! It was grueling emotionally and physically!

 

My pain, I no longer had my vice to numb my emotional pain - so I had to face my pain AND fears - and learn what life was like without covering up my pain.

 

YOU can't DO that FOR her!

 

She's broken - and the only way for her to get well is to face her anger and fears on her own. Then get to the other side...

 

And you don't want to watch - it's hard, it's bad in the process - but it's worth it to come out the "other side".

 

As long as you try to make HER comfortable - she's not likely to change a thing.

 

Step away from the drinker - let her DO what she's gonna do...

[goodhardman]

Thank you all for your honest opinions, you are very kind. I have a lot to think about.