Jump to content

i think i've turned into the OW!


Recommended Posts

i'm not really sure how to label everyone in this situation, it really is very complicated.

 

here it is:

 

i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 1/2yrs who lives with his daughter and her mother. they are not married. they have a very strange, dysfunctional domestic arrangement- which has been the same for the past 5 years. (long before i was on the scene). no communication, no physical relationship. no love. separate lives/ separate friends etc.

just sharing childcare (usually by email arrangement), and family occasions.

 

worse still, i believe he is being emotionally abused- there is peculiar coercion- loads of things he is not 'allowed' to do at home, rules, control, anger constantly, verbal abuse, resentment, financially refuses to contribute, manipulation- its all very negative. with the very occasional few days of calm.

 

our relationship on the other hand has been incredible. we are completely on the same wavelength. the foundation to our relationship is based on mutual respect, mutual intrinsic worth, shared interests, harmony. we are best friends and communicate every day, all day. we have never known a friendship like this. we very much love each other and wish the situation was different.

 

he is terrified of losing his youngest daughter if they dont live together. 12 years ago his split up from his last ex, then she swiftly moved his first daughter abroad and there was nothing he could do about it! he had very bad resulting anxiety afterwards+panic attacks, as well as incredibly low self-esteem, self-worth etc. not a good place to start a new healthy relationship...

 

so Dday was 5 weeks ago. she checked some of his emails and asked him about me. so he finally told her. everything. that we're best friends. that we talk every day. that he loves me. that we have been having a physical relationship.

he has since had an emotional breakdown. he says he is in shock, relationship crisis, is confused and doesnt know how to deal with everything or what to do. is emotionally overwhelmed. though feels a sense of relief. he thought she'd finally want them to live separately. she doesnt!!!!!! OMG she wants to keep the family together!

previously she had been asking him to buy her a house, move out, that she didnt miss him in the slightest when he was away, that she wanted to see other people. constant verbal abuse. he has confided so much of his pain with me.

 

the only thing they have agreed is to have some counselling. she doesnt blame him! she doesnt know why she is so mean to him but accepts she has deep issues.

 

for the past 5 weeks he has stopped communicating with me properly. he is distancing himself. i dont think he can cope with the emotions he feels for me. he is only sending the occasional 'i hope youre ok' text. we've spoken about the situation 3 times and he is saying he has to keep his family if they need him, he doesnt know what to do about us, he's never had a friend like me... he always knew he'd have to split with her but never had the guts to face up to it. i always had compassion for him for the way he was treated before.

 

but im really trying to understand why he cant break away from an abusive relationship (she knows he definitely doesnt love her even though he says he does have some feelings deep down as she is the mother of his child).

 

i guess its all part of the controlling, her saying she wants him now after all this time? she isnt financially secure to live on her own. refuses to live in a flat. i think she definitely only wants to keep up appearances as a family. and he feels guilty about splitting up another family even if it isnt working or remotely healthy. i think he is worried about his family judging him too if it all falls apart again. he is worried she will tell them all it is because he had an affair...he is told repeatedly he is a rubbish dad, but he spends every spare moment with his daughter. he totally doesnt want to upset his first daughter too who dotes on her half sister whenever they get a chance to be together.

 

im really worried the fear and shame he feels is going to result in him being persuaded to live a life where he cannot be himself. he can barely live with the guilt from all the hurt he has caused everyone. he says he just needs to do the decent thing now. ???

 

im completely overwhelmed that i cant speak to my best friend, that he is trapped in a miserable situation. ive already lived with him struggle with it and not do anything about it for over 3 years. the last few weeks have been so difficult. i cant see how any counselling can fix something that never existed in the first place. i hope it just leads them both to gaining insight into the best thing to do.

 

there really is not much i can do about the situation until he sorts out his head and begins to heal himself.

 

also, im really not sure how i feel now after these past few weeks where he has given me no emotional support. i am feeling torn between having compassion for his mental state and having to go through this shocking process wherever it will lead us all on my own. i know he deeply loves me as i do him, and ultimately really want to be with him but his actions/ non-action was totally unexpected.

 

any ideas what to do Loveshack? thanks, Happyvibes xx

Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't matter why he stays, it doesn't matter what the conditions are there.

 

It's where he's chosen to be.

 

My advice is simple...walk away.

 

He's where he wants to be, whether or not it's a healthy place, regardless of whether or not she loves him...he's where has chosen to be.

 

You need to recognize that, realize that you can't fix him or help him if that's what he has chosen, and move on to protect yourself emotionally.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

no he is not married.

he has been living a totally separate existence from her ever since i've known him.

everyone that knows him realizes what a dreadful setup he lives in.

i think she has deep problems and any semblance of a relationship is saving her and i think she is terrified of being on her own

Link to post
Share on other sites
If-I-Only-Knew

I agree with Mj_Sky. If what he said to you was completely true, a dday would have not been that dramatic. Are you sure he wasn't married to her? Are you sure she's the one who can't financially live on her own and not him?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
If-I-Only-Knew
no he is not married.

he has been living a totally separate existence from her ever since i've known him.

everyone that knows him realizes what a dreadful setup he lives in.

i think she has deep problems and any semblance of a relationship is saving her and i think she is terrified of being on her own

 

Do you spend the holidays with him? Do you go on vacations with him and his daughter? Does your daughter know about you? Have you met her? If you answered no to these questions....he has been lying to you..

Link to post
Share on other sites

I does not matter what the truth is. It does not matter what you believe, he believes or she believes. He is living with her with no plans to leave her. There is a child involved. 3.5 years and still he can not give you anything. Save yourself more heartbreak and upset and leave with dignity and walk away. No matter how hard. You deserve more than this and until you walk away from this relationship you will not have time to heal and meet your true worth xx

Link to post
Share on other sites
cozycottagelg
no he is not married.

he has been living a totally separate existence from her ever since i've known him.

everyone that knows him realizes what a dreadful setup he lives in.

i think she has deep problems and any semblance of a relationship is saving her and i think she is terrified of being on her own

 

It sounds to me like he made it seem, to you, that she was already on her own. Are you sure they didn't do more "couple" things that you weren't aware of?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Do you spend the holidays with him? Do you go on vacations with him and his daughter? Does your daughter know about you? Have you met her? If you answered no to these questions....he has been lying to you..

 

 

yes ive been on holidays with him but not with his daughter. i do know his daughter and have spent time with her. i have met her mum a few times and though i am not friends with her i do know his friends that have known her for a long time and what they say does suggest what he has told me about her is true.

my own daughter spends time with him and knows about us.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I get a very strong lying vibe from this story too. If he and his "ex" were just roommates, she wouldn't care if he was dating someone else. The fact that she found out and he's now recommitted to her and avoiding you points to them still being in a relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Totally separate existance - how so? Are you openly in a relatinoship with him? Where does he sleep at night - his house (with her), or with you? Hvae you met the daugther?

 

You are overly concerned with "her" issues and problems. You've never met her, correct? You dont know her. Only what he tells you. It doesnt matter about her issues or problems or fears.

 

All that matters is he is choosing to be with her, and not you.

 

That's pretty easy to say, but if he was to leave her there is a huge probability the 5yo child would stay with her mother. They are not even married so he may have a big uphill battle to be allowed to even visit the kid. Would it be more "right" for him to leave his child to be with the woman he loves?

 

That said, OP, the guy seems to have a huge amount of baggage, doesn't have the ability to tackle his own problems, and doesn't seem to make you a priority, even after his daughter it seems like his "baby mamma", his family, all take precedence over you. As far as "he definitely doesn't love her", "they have completely separate lives", etc, that may be so, but it's a bit odd that she only found out about you 5 weeks ago, and that it seems to be such a big deal to her. Do you never spend the night or week-end over at his house? 3.5 years seems like a long time to be just "dating" (I am guessing you are in your 30's given the age of the children). What are your plans for the future of this relationship? If you don't want him to break up his family, do you plan to eventually move in with him and take her as a roommate? What about children of your own etc? Have you talked about anything like that or any other long term plans over the past 3.5 years? My point is you are betting a whole lot on a lame horse, I hope he has other assets to make up for it. If not, there are plenty of other ponies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
''

 

ok you have been "on holidays" with him (like vacations), but do you spend holidays with him (ie Christmas, Easter, etc)

 

Does his daugther know you are his girlfriend, or does she think you are just a friend.

 

The fact he knows your daugther is irrelevant. What his friends say is irrelevant.

 

I think you are rationalizing or in denial.

 

The fact is, he spends most every night at home with his live in girlfriend, correct? Your relationship is a secret from his family and daugther, correct?

 

no we havent spent 'christmas day' together yet. i spend it with my family usually. but tbh when you have families that arent together (im separated with a daughter), you have your own christmas/birthday celebrations on whichever day you decide when you have your children with you.

his daughter thought we were friends as her mother did and his family.

 

This doesn't make sense. Here you say you have met his live in and know her but in your opening post you say she just found out about you 5 weeks ago. In any case, if he has been keeping his relationship with you a secret from her for the past 3 1/2 years then you are the OW. Also it doesn't matter if what he says about her is true, all that matters is that he's not leaving her for you. How much more of your life are you going to waste on this?

 

his 'live in' as you call her knew we were friends, nothing more. she isnt interested in knowing his friends. yes i think he should have said to her he wanted to see other people before starting a relationship with me. things just happen.

 

i can see he is staying put. it is only for his daughter though. i didnt come on here to discuss who he wanted to be with. i'm giving him space to process everything that's happened. if he properly splits and comes to me in future then i'll deal with that then.

it's been an amazing relationship so far, i realize i've become quite attached and i guess i'm here because its hard knowing how to deal with this stage of the situation. that's all. ive not wasted a single minute of my life on him.

 

i am getting on with my life now!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So are you still in a relatinoship with him? Or are you broken up? If not, if he never leaves his live-in girlfriend are you okay with that?

 

i'm not really sure what i'm in at the moment!

 

no we haven't said we're broken up.

 

and no, i'm not waiting in limbo forever. the last few weeks apart has at least helped us to get perspective on things/ not feel so intensely attached. i suggested he had a time limit for trying to work everything out in his head/ through counselling with her (and hopefully on his own too). they agreed to see what happens until christmas

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Also:

 

but he spends every spare moment with his daughter.

 

Except when his spare time is spent with you?

 

My point is: you are seeing from your perspective only, which sadly appears to be founded in lies, ommissions and half truths he has told you.

 

i have done alot of reading here now and owled up a bit!! i still think every situation is completely different.

 

Mj_Sky he spent time with me when his daughter was spending time with her mother. they rarely do that together and she already calls her time with him 'dad's day'

 

 

anyway, its been a week since we last spoke in person. im not exactly doing NC just not contacting! dont entirely agree with NC (yet!)... its very VERY difficult and i'm really hoping to keep it up

Edited by happyvibes
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...