B/f of 2.5 years broke up because he needed space, now he says he does not love me

[Gottabestrong]

Ex-B/f of 2.5 years broke up over a month ago because he needed space, now he says he does not love me anymore

 

Hi Everyone, I have been reading these boards for over a month now, but have never posted before, because I thought that I could get the answers I need from other people’s post, but now I think I need some direct advice.

 

Have been with my ex for 2.5 years, 1.5 of them living together. He is 31, I am 28. On the 1st of October he told me that he got an apartment and is moving out.

 

I was very sad, but not totally surprised because we had been talking about breaking up quite regularly in the last 6 months or so.

Our problems had to do with the fact that he was not very affectionate and also did not want to have sex for weeks. He said that he just did not have a high sex-drive and just was not an affectionate person, but he has not been like this in the first 2 years or so.

 

Another problem that we had was the fact that I want to marry and have kids one day, and a few months ago he told me that he did not want to have kids, at least not in the next 5-10 years. I asked him where that leaves me as in 10 years I will be too old for kids, especially if I want more than one, and he said that we should break up then, because he obviously is not the right man for me.

 

I always told him that I know we have problems, but as long as we both still love each other (and until the 1st of October he kept on saying that he loved me), we should try to work it out.

 

I did not want to pressure him into marriage or children, as he really is not ready for it at the moment, so in summer I told him that I will go back to university and to my Masters Degree in Literature and English Studies, and so wont be expecting/wanting children in the next 4 years or so anyway.

 

I thought that solved the problem of his commitment fear, which he seemed to have, but I was wrong.

 

When he broke up with me, he said that he could not see a future for us and he thought it was unfair for him to stick around if he knows that he does not want to marry and have kids in the next few years. And if we stayed together, I would hate him one day for the time I wasted on him.

 

I told him that I did not feel that way, but was happy just to be with him. He did not believe me and said it was better for us. So I asked him if we could just go on a break instead of a break-up and see if we want to get back together in a few weeks/months. He agreed and said he was happy that I suggested that.

 

So he moved out and from day one he started sending me text messages saying that he loved and missed me. Oh yeah, when he left he gave me a hug and said “Don’t worry, I’ll come crawling back.”

 

Well, I did not reply to his sms for a week and then he sent me an sms asking if we could meet. I texted back and asked what for. He answered that he knows that he made a mistake and would like another chance.

 

So I agreed to meet him. For 5 hours he told me that he loved me and how he wanted to get back together and now knew that this was what he wanted. I asked what about all the other issues and problems we had, don’t you think they will come back again? I was trying to be reasonable, but of course was only able to because he wanted to come back home. After a few hours I told him that I would think about it and get back to him.

 

He kept on writing me text messages, but they were not like in the first week. He still signed with “Love” but no more “I love you, I miss you”.

 

A few days later I really missed him and thought “why not”, so I contacted him and asked him if he wanted to meet. He said yes and we went to a movie. Afterwards we went for a coffee and he was acting distant and weird. I thought that maybe he acted that way because he did not know what my answer to getting back would be, so I asked him if he still wanted to get back together.

 

He did not want to give me a real answer, but just made some joke. So I asked him if he loved me, but he did not want to say it. So I said “Okay, what’s up” and he told me that he did not know what he wanted, he needed more time. I asked why he did tell me all those love things a few days ago, and he said that was because he missed me.

 

So I said “Okay, you need more time. Take it and only contact me when you know what you want.” He agreed and we went our separate ways. At home I panicked and thought that maybe this was the last time I would see him or talk to him. So I called him and told him that he could contact me while he was making up his mind, because I would like to hear from him.

 

So he did. Kept on sending sms and emails, he always signed with “Love” but nothing more personal. After a few days I replied and he asked to get some of his staff. I agreed and said to come over on Friday. He was very excited about that offer and suggested bringing over a bottle of wine and we could get a video. He also asked me to “put on my sexy underwear”.

 

That sounded quite good to me and I was looking forward to a nice romantic evening. Unfortunately he called me that day, saying he was sick and asked if we could reschedule. I felt a bit disappointed and said that I would get back to him about it.

 

He texted me the next day asking about meeting on Tuesday and I said I would let him know. I called him on Monday evening and asked if he still wanted to come over. He said yes and we made a date. During that phone call it felt so good to hear his voice and I could not help but ask if he wanted to get back together, no strings attached and we would see where it leads. He suggested talking about it on the next day.

 

We kept on speaking and he mentioned that he did not want to go home now, so I asked him to come on over. I said that I had to get up early for work the next day, but he could sleep in. He hesitated but then agreed to come over.

 

When he arrived I asked him about getting back together and he said he did not know what I would get out of this, if it was no strings attached dating and he did not want to give me false hope. I said that I was fine with only dating and as long as we still loved each other, I am sure we could work it out. I asked if he still loved me and he said that he did not know. He was still confused and needed more time.

 

So I asked him if he would rather not have contact for a while and he said yes. So he left and we agreed to not speak for a month.

The next day I felt really bad and so texted him asking when he was coming over to watch that video. He replied that this was off and he really thought that no contact was best for both of us. I replied saying I am sorry to bother you, but I miss and love you. Take all the time you need and I am there for you if you need me.

 

I expected to never hear from him again (or at least not for a long time), but 2 days later I got an sms congratulating me on the win of the Boston Red Sox, a team he knows I like but I am not a strong supporter.

 

The next day was his birthday and originally I had planned not to contact him as he said he wanted space, but as he wrote me about the Boston Red Sox, I figured I could contact him for his birthday. I sent him an sms and he replied, but did not suggest meeting.

Again I thought that this was it, but 2 days later I get a nice message asking about his boots, that he can’t find but has asked me about a few times already. I did not reply, because I don’t know where his boots are and I wanted to do NC for a while. Next day he texts asking about some book of his. Again I did not answer.

 

Next day he writes “Hi Angel, sorry to bother you, but I don’t know if you got my messages over the weekend. If you don’t reply for a reason, that is okay, but I just want to know about my books. Love, XX XXX” So I wrote him back saying that I would send him his books and that I did not reply because he said that he wanted NC. He just replied “You are a good lass.”

 

Great, love being called a ‘good lass’ by the man I love. Well, after that I did not hear from him for 2 days and than he texted saying something about Arafat. I did not answer, because he did not say a personal word in it.

 

Over the weekend I met a friend my ex and I have in common and he said that he saw my ex a few days ago and my ex said that I did not want to have contact with him anymore, and he had to accept that.

 

I felt really bad about that because I don’t want to have no contact, I love him and want him back but I don’t want to pressure him.

So I wrote him an email last Sunday in which I replied to the questions in his sms and said that I had not had time yet to send off his books, but would soon.

 

He replied saying that it was a great surprise to hear from me and asked if we could maybe meet for 5 minutes or a coffee, and I could bring the books with.

 

I thought that sounded good and said that we could meet on the weekend. He replied “I am sure that we can make a plan sometime to meet.” Wow, that was disappointing, but I thought that maybe he did not want to seem overeager.

 

I did not hear from him so I gave him a call yesterday asking if he wanted to meet on Friday. He sounded not too excited about it, but I decided to not pressure him about it. I had to go back to work so I asked him to think about something we could do and I would call him back.

 

I called him back later and he suggested going to the cinema. I asked him what he had been doing these last few weeks and what he did on his birthday. He said that was having a good time and went out with friends on his birthday.

 

I lost it then and asked him if he did not miss me on his birthday. He said no. I asked if he did not love me anymore and wanted to come back home and he said no. He said that he did not love me anymore, did not want to come back and did not think that he would like to be my boyfriend again in the future.

 

He said that he was happy with his life and did not want me as his girlfriend again. When I asked him if he met someone new, he said no, he has not gone out yet. YET!

 

I told him that I loved him and wanted him back and he replied that he knew.

 

Wow, so from loving me, over not knowing what he wants to not loving me anymore in a bit over a month.

 

I asked what he wanted to do today and he said “Are you sure you still want to meet?” I said yes, because I loved him, missed him, wanted to see him and also want to give him his things. So we agreed that I would come over to his new place that I have never seen before and we would have some coffee.

 

I am going to meet him in about 3 hours and I will try and act as casual as possible and not bring up our relationship.

 

I really want him back, but I am afraid it is too late. Do you have any inside? Am I only lying to myself when I think that he still has feelings for me? What should I do?

 

I need any help I can get. Thanks a lot.

[zara]

It sounds as though you two have some fundamental differences in terms of where you see your priorities in the medium term. Even though you love him and it is certain that he still has feelings for you too, i think he may have come to the conclusion that those differences are insurmountable.

 

You say that you thought doing your MA would placate him for a while, but it is obvious that you still plan on having children more or less right after that. Look at this from his point of view, he might well feel as though there is some invisible (biological!) clock counting down until you have your degree and announce "Right, babies!" and the more that seems to loom the more adamant he is that he doesn't want that.

 

Therefore he sees it as pointless to get back together in the short term because he knows that sooner or later this issue is going to come to the fore.

 

I think that you really do need to consider this. How would you feel about never having kids? Fro mthe sounds of things it seems that your man may not be too bothered by this whereas you might well be devastated. If this is true then you would never truly be happy in a relationship together.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Zara,

 

thanks for taking the time to read my really long post. The truth is I want kids. But until a few months ago, so did he. When we met I told him that I wanted to marry and have kids in my 30ies and he said that he wanted the same.

 

We have talked about marriage in the past and he was happy with it.

 

I have not mentioned that we are from two different countries. We met in his, than did long distance for about 7 months before I moved back to his Country.

 

I was happy to stay there, but he wanted to move to my place. So he came here one year ago. When he decided to move over he was planning on marrying and having kids once things settled down. I.E. finding a decent job and good place to live at.

 

But now that everything is settled (he found a good job) and we had enough money to live a comfortable life, he does not want that anymore.

 

I told him that I would like kids one day, but only if we are both in the right mindset. He has problems believing me, but I dont know if that is the only issue that made him break up with me.

 

Do you really think that he still has feelings for me? When I asked him on the phone he said that he did not anymore. Only as a friend.

 

Thanks again for reading my post.

[zara]

it takes a long time for feelings to change. You don’t just stop having all of those feelings about someone you’ve been with for that long. Especially someone you move countries for.

 

Saying that you want kids in your 30’s when you are 28 and then facing that prospect when you are 31 are two very different things for a man. Maybe he feels that he wants to enjoy the level of stability he has found first, maybe he has decided that he doesn’t want kids after all, he only thought he should because it’s the conventional thing to do. I think women tend to be far more driven on these issues than men, I think because of the biological imperatives.

[Gottabestrong]

I do want children one day in the future, but I find it hard to believe that this is the reason he broke up with me.

 

I offered him to only be dating without any pressure of marriage or children, because who knows what the future brings and I want to be with him now.

 

I dont know what to do. He is not a very emotional man, and once he makes up his mind, he tends to stick to it. So I am afraid that he has decided that it is over with us, and is not going to change his mind in the future, no matter what I do or say.

 

I am thinking about doing NC but I think that this will only allow him to get over me more easily.

 

I want him to be happy, but I want to be the one to make him happy.

 

I hate that every time I see him I start to cry and cant seem to stop asking him to come back.

 

I am going to see him in a few hours and I am afraid that this will be the last time I see him for a long time.

 

Do you think I should just let him go, or should I try to stick around and make him see that I want him for himself and not as a poosible husband and father for my children?

[zara]

because you were so adamant that you wanted the whole marriage and kids deal he's going to find it hard to believe that you can do the 'no strings' thing. And your comments about wanting to be the one who makes him happy show that, much as you say you can, you can't detach yourself from wanting the whole she-bang with him.

 

I know you don't want to hear this but i really don't think it would work out between you and I agree with your man that better you split now than you feel as though you've 'wated' your time when a couple of years down the line you are all ready to have kids but he still hasn't changed his mind.

 

Perhaps you should find someone whose life plans better fit with yours. But it is important that you take a break, concentrate on yourself for a while, otherwise you are going t o become this obessesed woman, desperate to marry and breed and that kind of vibe is not going to do you any favours. Take some time out, concentrate on your MA, and don't worry about relationships for a while.

[Gottabestrong]

True, I want to be the one who makes him happy. But that does not mean that I need to have kids in the near future. One day yes, if the circumstances are right.

 

I dont want to be this desperate woman trying to breed, and I dont think that this is what our problems are really about.

 

Maybe he thinks that that's what the main issue is, but not to me.

 

I also dont think that I would feel that I wasted years of my life if I stay with him and dont end up having children with him.

 

I just want him to be my boyfriend again. We used to do so many things together, be it sports or cultural events and I really miss him.

 

I am not just saying this, but I really would not mind if he said that he wanted to be with me, but not have children.

 

I think this whole problem may be more because of his fear of intimacy, and the fact that I am a very emotional woman, while he is a headperson.

 

He has told me many times that I am the woman he has loved most in his life and that I am the woman of his dreams and he loves how I am and he does not want me to change.

 

And now he only wants to be my friend. I dont understand that.

 

But if it really is the whole marriage/children issue that is bothering him, then I am going to show him that this is not what I want him for. I am going to stick around and try to be his friend.

[Guest]

Hi there Gottabestrong,

 

It's amazing reading your post because I am in exactly the same position. However, I'm 34 and my boyfriend is (was rather) 28. We'd been together for over 2 years.

 

For the last 12 months all of my girlfriends started having babies and my hormones starting going mad. I asked him to move in and he agreed. We were having lots of fun right up to mid August then we went to my goddaughter's naming ceremony where there were loads of my friends with their children or pregnant and things went weird after that.

 

He started to treat me really badly, then after a series of rows and makings up he said he wasn't sure he wanted to move in or settle down - this after being into it several months ago!

 

I called a month break to think about things. When we met after the month, he ended it. He said he loved me and it's not what he wanted but he couldn't guarantee wanting a family before his mid-thirties and by then it would be too late for me.

 

We've been split up since October 1st - same as you isn't it?

 

I feel all the same stuff about wanting to go back but have no strings etc etc but I do know that if I get to age 37 and he still didn't want children, I'd have to leave him and it'd be much harder.

 

However, a friend of mine was in the same position with her bloke, threatening to leave because he didn't want children and she was 37 and unbeknown to her she was pregnant at the time - now she's had the baby he's completely into it! I think men just don't want to commit to a future, but it is what they want really sometimes.

 

I've been doing no contact and have had one email wishing me luck in a job interview, it's very hard at the moment as I'm missing him a lot.

[Gottabestrong]

Wow, that is really strange.

 

Yes, we broke up on the 1st of October and in August (4) one of my best friends gave birth to her son. We went to the hospital to visit them both and when we came home my bf broke up with me. He said he saw how much I loved the baby and he did not want to keep me from having children myself.

 

I talked to him about and tried to convince him that I do not want to have children at the moment as I was just about to go back to university, and after I finished I would probably want to work a few years before I have kids.

 

So that means that I would only seriously consider having kids in about 6-7 years. So he really need not worry about that at the moment. And who knows what will happen in 7 years, if we will even still be together.

 

He said that he did not think that I would think so, but good if that is the case, because maybe in a few years he will want to kids too.

 

I dont know why he broke up, but he said that he was confused with what he wanted from him life and he needed time and space to himself.

 

I am going to give him as much space as he needs. I hope we get back together, but only if he wants to.

[Sukotto]

Well I've got the feeling thats he's just confused more than anything else and he probably feels like you've been ignoring him which isn't exactly good for us guys. If we don't get a reply from a message then we feel like we've done something wrong and thats probably helped him make his mind up. He sent you those text messages and he probably thinks if she can't find 5 minutes to reply then obviously she doesn't think I'm worth it.

 

The first few weeks when he was in on his own he was probably just feeling sorry for himself and lonely, that would have been the perfect time to reconcile your differences but now he's probably into a routine and stared meeting new people in his block.

 

Your mentioning of getting back together is also probably pushing him away more, what i'd suggest is start working on a friendship again and drop the whole "us" conversation. If you start building that friendship again and there's even a little ember of love inside the two of you then some quality time together will probably get it burning. Start doing things that you enjoyed doing, going out for dinner, cinema, bar or some other activity you liked. Though remember to either offer to pay half or pay for the next time so he doesnt think its a date.

 

Well you want to give him space but I wouldn't recommend that, feelings can fade with space. I'd still talk to him either email or SMS is good as it least gives you time to think through your responses. After a while suggest meeting up and rebuild that friendship.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Sukotto,

 

thanks for your input. Hearing what a guy thinks is especially valuable. I asked my dad and some male friends for advice, but they basically say that if he does not want you, forget him and move on, which is not what I want to hear.

 

About ignoring his messages. Well, when he left he said he would come crawling back and that he still loved me,but needed time. In his messages he said that he loved and missed me, but not that he wanted to get back together. I did not reply because I did not want to pressure him and reading about NC on this site, I thought that it would be good for him to see what life is like without me.

 

After he told me that he did not want to get back together again but needed time, I did not reply because I did not want to pressure him. I also told him that I would not reply to his messages, unless he said that he wanted to get back together.

 

I just came back from a meeting with him and will write about it in a moment.

[Sukotto]

Well he is sending you mixed messages which isn't too good. Us guys aren't really that complicated, we usually just say what we mean and dont like the whole mind game thing.

 

I look forward to yout notes on what happened but I wont be able to reply till much later tonight, going out partying.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi,

 

I just came back from seeing my ex, and I had a really good time.

 

He met me at the door of his apartment and gave me a kiss on the lips. That was really great, because since he broke up with me, I never got more than a hug.

 

We spent an hour at his place, had tea and talked about family and friends. He also told me about a trip to England that he is taking in December to visit his family.

 

We spoke about skiiing, which is a thing which we did together every year and he said that he wanted to go but did not know with who. I said that I wanted to go too, so maybe we could go together. I said it in a casual, lighthearted way, and to my surprise he said "Yeah, why not."

 

After about an hour I felt like it was time to go, you know like 'quit when you are ahead' and he asked if I wanted to go for coffee at the next Starbucks.

 

That was a pleasant surprise. Not only did he not want to say goodbye already, but he also invited me for a coffee, which since he broke up with me a month ago, he never wanted to do. You know he was like 'we are broken up , everyone pays for themself'

 

So we went to Starbucks and I said that I could pay my own coffee, but he said no, and he even invited me for a cake as well!!

 

So we sat there for an hour or so talking about all kinds of things and had a really good time. After a while I said that maybe we should leave, but he wanted to stay. So we stayed a bit longer and then he brought me to my tram.

 

He gave me hug, a kiss and said to send him a message when I got home. This is strange because I only live 20 minutes away from him and it was not late at all. Last time we said goodbye at 1 in the morning he did not ask me to write when I got home safely.

 

So all in all I had a really nice evening. I am not getting my hopes up and I dont expect us to get back together again soon, but I could see that he still cared about me and that felt so good.

 

The thing that really hurt was when he said that he did not love me anymore. That hurt so much that I started posting on this site after I have been reading on it for hours every day since a month.

 

Now that I know he still cares about me, I feel much better. I kinda expect him to get more distant from now on and not contact me for a while, because he does not want to give me false hope, but that's okay, because I know that I matter to him.

 

Feel great, have not felt that good in a looooong time.

[luvgod42]

I was sooo proud of you for saying to him not to contact you again unless he really wanted to get back together and make things work, but then you fell apart. You became weaker and weaker....calling, tm, seeing him, etc. This shows that you are needy and desperate and guys don't like when gals obsess over them.

He had no time to miss you and to figure himself out without you. Sit down and think about why you really want this guy? Do you REALLY want to have kids? Are you afraid you won't be able to meet somebody else? etc....

You need some space from him for a while. If it is meant to be then you two will find your way back to each other even without ANY contact.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Luvgod42,

 

you are right, I fell apart and got weaker all the time.

 

I am not proud of it and wish I had not gotten weaker, but at the time I could not control myself. Plus he kept sending me messages asking why I did not reply to him. I thought "duh" you know why', but I did not want him to think that I did not care about him anymore.

 

Somehow he got the idea that I found someone new. I dont know from where, but he kept asking me about the guy I went on a date with. While I thought that it was good that he felt he might be losing me, I did not want him to think that I forgot about him, because he is the guy who would think 'if she moves on then we are not meant to be".

 

I am not happy that I initiated contact, but I am glad that he knows how I feel. At least I dont have to worry anymore about him not knowing how I feel and therefore not making a move, if you know what I mean.

 

Since I started reading this site I thought that NC was the best way to go, but now I dont think so anymore.

 

I know that he cares about me, I am not going to pressure him anymore (or at least try not to), but will be there when he wants to see me.

 

I really love this man and I know that we could be very happy together, as we have been in the past.

 

I know I could meet someone else, but I am not ready to give up yet. I would love to be with him and if he wants that too, great. At the moment I am happy when I can go through a day without being sad and depressed.

[Gottabestrong]

Well, it has been some time since I posted here.

 

In between I startet 2 other threads, one called "Why has he stopped contacting me" and the other named "Where to go on vacation after being dumped."

 

Well, I just returned from Montreal and I had a really great time. I talked a lot with my friend about all kinds of things, and 2 days ago I actually noticed that I had not thought about him for about an hour. The first time in 2 months. That was great and liberating.

 

I really felt that I was improving. I thought about him the whole time and checked my email and phone, but I did not cry.

 

Now I am back and I feel depressed and sad again. Being back in the apartment we used to live in together for over a year is really tough.

 

Anyway, the reason I am posting is that I need some advice.

 

Since last weekend I received 3 messages from him, to which I did not reply. The last one I received last night and he basically asked me what I did last week and he hoped to hear from me soon.

 

What do you think I should do? Send him a casual message back saying that I was in Canada and had a great time, or should I continue ignoring his messages?

 

I still love him and would like to get back together. In his messages he did not say that he loved or missed me, so I dont know if he only wants to check up on me in a platonic way.

 

How to I find out what he wants and how should I react? I know that bringing up the relationship is a big No-No if you want to get back together and so I dont want to ask for it straight out.

 

I don't know what to do. According to Blase Harris book "How to get your lover back" you should contact him and try to create pleasant encounters. He already contacted me, so all I have to do is reply which is rather easy.

 

But other books like "He is just not that into you" suggest not replying until he says that he loves and misses you and wants to get back together.

 

I can't trust my head right now as I think I let my emotions rule, which is not good. So I need your advice please.

[Gottabestrong]

HI,

 

can anyone out there please tell me what they think I should do? Reply or not? Is it a good sign that he sends me messages even though I dont reply, or could he just be bored?

 

Please, anyone...