Did I text my colleague something I shouldn't have?

[Teknoe]

OK, background details:

 

1. We have established a friendly banter... meaning, we're like friends. We joke a lot and aren't always "professional" (i.e. use slang, tease one another, etc.)

 

2. We're both teachers

 

So today I texted her during my prep period. She texted me right back, and as a joke I wrote back "You shouldn't text in the middle of class" (I figured she was on her prep too, since teachers just don't have time to text immediately in class).

 

She texted me back an hour later saying "I was on my prep. Rude"

 

No tongue face, nothing. It seemed like maybe she was offended.

 

So, in my joking fashion, as per usual, I texted this back to her:

 

"Ha, I figured u were on your period, I mean, prep. Sorry that you misinterpreted my text. Didn't mean to come across as a debbie downer."

 

She didn't reply, and I didn't figure her to.

 

So I don't know how she received my text, if it made her laugh, smirk or just (more) frustrated/angry. Like I said, we have a jokey-banter type working relationship, and we're like friends more than colleagues I would say, just based on the fact that we say things to each other we wouldn't say to some other colleagues who we keep it very professional with.

 

I was thinking of apologizing to her tomorrow, but I like to think she got my last text and "got my sense of humor" (as she seemingly always has in the past). Should I move on and ignore this situation, or should I bring it up to her tomorrow like "Hey sorry for the unclear text. I was trying to joke around but if you were truly offended by it then I'm sorry" ?

 

Feedback welcomed!

[StrongLass]

That's the thing about texting, some things just DON'T translate well. Especially humor.

 

If she's as in tune with your own sense of humor as you are then everything should be fine.

 

If the dynamic between you two feels kind of off the next time you talk then you can apologize and things can go from there.

 

All in all, definitely not the end of the world

[Teknoe]

LOL thanks minion. I found it funny too, and hope she was not offended. She has heard me mention "period" to another female colleague, so hopefully she understands it's just part of my somewhat crass and blunt humor.

 

Right, humor in texts sometimes doesn't work well, and I've gotten in "trouble" over misinterpreted texts before in the past. Ah, I wish people weren't so sensitive. And that not everything has to include a "tongue face" to let the other person know it's a joke. But I guess I need to double think what I write before I hit SEND!

[clia]

So, in my joking fashion, as per usual, I texted this back to her:

 

"Ha, I figured u were on your period, I mean, prep. Sorry that you misinterpreted my text. Didn't mean to come across as a debbie downer."

 

 

I'm about as laid back as they come, but this is an incredibly inappropriate comment for a man to make to a female coworker, whether or not you were joking. Most women don't find PMS jokes to be all that funny, and for a male coworker to be talking to a female about her period is just yuck. Honestly, that's the kind of joke a fifteen year old boy makes, not a thirty year old supposedly professional man.

 

I think it's safe to say she was probably offended.

[Teknoe]

I'm about as laid back as they come, but this is an incredibly inappropriate comment for a man to make to a female coworker, whether or not you were joking. Most women don't find PMS jokes to be all that funny, and for a male coworker to be talking to a female about her period is just yuck. Honestly, that's the kind of joke a fifteen year old boy makes, not a thirty year old supposedly professional man.

 

I think it's safe to say she was probably offended.

 

Diff strokes for diff folks.

 

Saw her today (obviously) and she seemed just fine. We talked a bit, had our usual banter, and the text was never mentioned either way.

 

I think safe to say she was NOT offended.

[clia]

Diff strokes for diff folks.

 

Saw her today (obviously) and she seemed just fine. We talked a bit, had our usual banter, and the text was never mentioned either way.

 

I think safe to say she was NOT offended.

 

Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't offended by it. Maybe she just decided it wasn't worth mentioning and thus dropped it. Many people can feel offended and then have the capacity to get over it, especially when they have to see the person every day at work. It doesn't mean that deep down she doesn't think you are a bit immature or douchey for talking about her period.

 

On a more serious note, you really should be careful about making comments like that in writing to female coworkers. That's the kind of thing that if done often enough (even in jest) can lead to hostile work environment accusations should the two of you ever have a falling out. You don't want to have to deal with that.

[todreaminblue]

Read your post right up until this

 

 

Didn't mean to come across as a debbie downer."

 

 

 

i am no longer reading your post....sulks off........not answering either............deb

[Teknoe]

Yeah true all good points. Think I'll lay low for a bit.

[D-Lish]

"Ha, I figured u were on your period, I mean, prep. Sorry that you

misinterpreted my text. Didn't mean to come across as a debbie downer."

 

Wow, I am all for joking around, and I can take a joke- but the above isn't cool to joke about with someone you don't know very well- especially with someone that just demonstrated they aren't receptive to jokes.

 

That's a comment she could go above your head with and cause some major damage to YOUR career.

[Teknoe]

Wow, I am all for joking around, and I can take a joke- but the above isn't cool to joke about with someone you don't know very well- especially with someone that just demonstrated they aren't receptive to jokes.

 

That's a comment she could go above your head with and cause some major damage to YOUR career.

 

Way to misinterpret

 

1. She responds well to my jokes because we share a similar sense of humor. For whatever reason though, she didn't get THAT ONE text I sent her about not texting in the middle of class

 

2. She has heard me use the "period line" before, and it was to my boss. My boss loves me, and we also share that same twisted sense of humor. So it's not like she was completely shocked that I would use that line.

 

Look, I understand it's a sensitive issue, but believe me I only use it to people who I know would get it and get it coming from me.

 

I'll leave it at that. It's not like I poked fun at a dead family member or anything, sheesh

[Fugu]

I think dasein had some pretty good advice, which I will second. I agree especially with the practical tip not to leave a paper/electronic trail. I also agree that text leaves a lot of room for individual interpretation. What was meant to be funny could easily be received as 'creepy'. Think about it this way: if someone who didn't know the history of banter saw the texts for the first time, what would they think? Because that's exactly the kind of situation you'd find yourself in if she got creeped out even a bit and decided to turn them over to administration.

 

Also, keep in mind that the teaching field is different from other working environments in that it's a field that's dominated by women. Moreover, you're working in an environment which is supposed to be 'sterile'. People think of a school as the last place where that kind of innuendo gets tossed back and forth; after all, that's where people send their children. You didn't mean harm, but you gotta use better judgment here.

[marriedman321]

Why the need to be the comedian during work?

 

She felt you were rude in one text, then ignored the other..Not a great sign.

 

And yes, it is funny to joke around about women's periods, but perhaps that is best reserved for your closest friends and family members, not coworkers you barely know.

[D-Lish]

Why the need to be the comedian during work?

 

She felt you were rude in one text, then ignored the other..Not a great sign.

 

And yes, it is funny to joke around about women's periods, but perhaps that is best reserved for your closest friends and family members, not coworkers you barely know.

 

Agree with the above.

 

Seriously Tek, we live in a PC world where you have to be careful about the language you use in the workplace. The girl didn't respond well to the first joke, so you took it further.

 

What if you piss this girl off down the road and she shows your texts to a supervisor? You should always, always, be mindful of leaving an electronic paper trail.

 

You can discount my observation as an overreaction- but you're playing Russian roulette with your career by sending these kinds of messages to someone you don't know well.

[Els]

I really wouldn't risk it with a colleague, Tek. Lots of unsuspecting people have gotten into all sorts of trouble there.

 

If she hadn't been a colleague, at least there would be less on the line. I don't think what you said was necessarily BAD, but some people can be understandably miffed if someone whom they perceives as not close to them makes such jokes to them. And no, just because you think you are close, does not necessarily mean she thinks so too.

[Trimmer]

"Ha, I figured u were on your period, I mean, prep. Sorry that you misinterpreted my text. Didn't mean to come across as a debbie downer."

Aside from the "period" notes you got from other posters, I would additionally suggest that the phrase "sorry that you misinterpreted..." comes off as meaning: I'm in the clear and this is your fault.

 

She didn't reply...

 

I was thinking of apologizing to her tomorrow, but I like to think she got my last text and "got my sense of humor" (as she seemingly always has in the past). Should I move on and ignore this situation, or should I bring it up to her tomorrow like "Hey sorry for the unclear text. I was trying to joke around but if you were truly offended by it then I'm sorry" ?

Out of curiosity, if this were exactly the same interaction with a same-sex colleague, would you be agonizing to the same degree about whether or not to talk to (him) personally, how he might have interpreted what you said, what he might be thinking now, what's going on in his head, etc.?

 

Way to misinterpret

Ah, see, you're doing it again!

 

1. She responds well to my jokes because we share a similar sense of humor. For whatever reason though, she didn't get THAT ONE text I sent her about not texting in the middle of class

So you do realize that these two statements are conflicting, yes? Don't worry, she gets my humor. Except when she doesn't.

 

2. She has heard me use the "period line" before, and it was to my boss. My boss loves me, and we also share that same twisted sense of humor. So it's not like she was completely shocked that I would use that line.

Except she didn't respond as usual to your texts, so you are assuming all of this (she completely gets me, she wouldn't be shocked) in the face of evidence to the contrary, so you might want to consider whether your full, 100% confidence in your perceptions is a bit over her real threshold.

 

Look, I understand it's a sensitive issue, but believe me I only use it to people who I know would get it and get it coming from me.

OK, as long as you're sure.

 

So since you've ruled this out with confidence, what's your explanation for her calling you rude and her silence, then?

Edited August 30, 2013 by Trimmer

[2sunny]

Totally inappropriate.

 

Every H even knows IF they ask "are you on your period?" That's like saying "hey, you're being a *itch"

 

It's not nice.

[Teknoe]

update:

 

She and I had lunch in her room today and we were talking and laughing. She thanked me for an email I had sent her yesterday. The email was totally unrelated to the period joke and it was a serious email, talking to her about something she said that struck me -- I won't go into it but I went through a similar personal situation recently, and shot her a brief email to lift her up.

 

We had a good lunch.

 

I see no real friction between us since I sent that period text a couple days ago.

 

I honestly believe we are much closer than what some here are hinting ("a coworker you don't know too well") and that we are somewhat of "kindred spirits." I really don't think it's anywhere as big as some posters here are blowing it up to be.

 

However, points taken. I will be more careful with my words going forward, especially in texts.

[Teknoe]

She's woman and a teacher she's plotting against you. Send her text saying I'm glad you enjoy my humor. Than you'll get a txt back saying yes you're so funny. It will good proof in case she changes her disposition toward the matter.

 

 

LOL I really doubt she's plotting against me or that she's saving the text for some possible future "powerplay" against me in case things go (really) sour between us in a working professional sense.

 

I subbed for her during the summer to give her a break and she HIGHLY appreciated that. She posted a picture of herself at the beach on her day off on FB and I replied "Whoever subbed for you must be pretty awesome" and she liked it.

 

She's also in her mid 20s, easy going, laid back, and seems to see me as a friend outside of work type. It's not like we're strictly 100% coworkers. I like to consider us friends as well. Certainly, I consider her more of a friend than some other coworkers, with whom I only share a strictly professional working relationship.

 

Bottom line: I think things are OK between us.

[marriedman321]

I honestly believe we are much closer than what some here are hinting ("a coworker you don't know too well") and that we are somewhat of "kindred spirits." .

 

She texted me back an hour later saying "I was on my prep. Rude"

 

She didn't reply, and I didn't figure her to.

 

 

Ok, well maybe she is bipolar then, and you can use that in your next joke..

[Teknoe]

Ok, well maybe she is bipolar then, and you can use that in your next joke..

 

I think she's just 25, lol. Meaning, she said "rude" because she interpreted it as rude, but it wasn't rude as in end of the world, I now see you in a completely different light. She knows my personality. Everyone respects and loves me at work, but with her I make more candid jokes, and she just knows that about me since she is the "baby" of the staff, and like I said we are somewhat of kindred spirits.

 

I really think the whole thing wasn't super big to begin with, and people here overanalyzed it. She was probably a little peeved, but then understood it was just me joking around and it is what it is.

 

But yeah, it is a reminder to watch what I say/text.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't think sovereign immunity is an issue in suits v schools and school systems, other municipal agencies. If a State Agency were joined, it could be. Have never sued a school though, so could be mistaken.

 

School districts are typically protected by sovereign immunity, but that immunity has been waived for sex discrimination suits under Titles VI and IX.

[Star Gazer]

School districts are typically protected by sovereign immunity, but that immunity has been waived for sex discrimination suits under Titles VI and IX.

 

Thank you.

[GorillaTheater]

Just FYI because I was curious, looking into this, it appears federal courts apply an analysis that may find school districts not arms of the state for sovereign immunity purposes regardless of specific waiver, and such findings could differ in different states or circuits of course. The following summarizes the analysis well as applied in one New York case:

 

GORTON v. GETTEL, Docket No.?07-3190-cv., January 28, 2009 - US 2nd Circuit | FindLaw

 

It's a somewhat different issue. Municipalities generally aren't considered arms of the state either, but still enjoy sovereign immunity, if not necessarily 11th amendment immunity, to the extent it hasn't been waived.

[GorillaTheater]

Speaking of these kind of issues, and depending on how your state FOIA/Public Information laws are written, any eamil you send out on a government-owned computer can be requested by any third party and may well be released.

[Tiger Lily]

I think she's just 25, lol. Meaning, she said "rude" because she interpreted it as rude, but it wasn't rude as in end of the world, I now see you in a completely different light. She knows my personality. Everyone respects and loves me at work, but with her I make more candid jokes, and she just knows that about me since she is the "baby" of the staff, and like I said we are somewhat of kindred spirits.

 

I really think the whole thing wasn't super big to begin with, and people here overanalyzed it. She was probably a little peeved, but then understood it was just me joking around and it is what it is.

 

OP, why did you start this thread? You asked people's opinions about the appropriateness of your text. People are telling you how inappropriate it is, and you respond by basically saying everyone is wrong. If you think everyone is overanalyzing, I'd be curious to know your mindset when you first created this thread.

Edited August 30, 2013 by Tiger Lily