GF got pregnant on purpose, I think

[ascendotum]

You don't take the pill only for birth control. I've been on the pill for a little over ten years. It regulates the menstrual cycle and makes PMS, well, non existent in my case.

yep I realize there is also that reason for some women to take it, not just BC.

[man_in_the_box]

How many guys are going to really want to wear condoms for the next 6 or whatever yrs until they feel they could take a chance and go bareback with their latest love who said she had a hysterectomy/polycystic ovary/tubal ligation. Not a lot.

 

No problem. Rather that than be in the OP's shoes.

[MidwestUSA]

Too late. Already taken. And, heck yah I'm a great catch!

I guess our hopes were to be dashed at some point, sigh.......

[xxoo]

A number of women on here are saying if the guy does not ever wear a rubber then he deserves to be a dad. Too bad if he's all for abortion.

 

Yes. These are the facts of life.

 

So if women's new love of their life said he had had a vasectomy/sterile, do you expect women to stay on the pill for the next 6 or whatever yrs till they thought they would be ready to have a child just in case he was stooging them. How many guys are going to really want to wear condoms for the next 6 or whatever yrs until they feel they could take a chance and go bareback with their latest love who said she had a hysterectomy/polycystic ovary/tubal ligation. Not a lot.

 

20 years of condom use here. We'll use them until I hit menopause, or he gets a vasectomy. No problems, no unplanned pregnancies.

[sweetjasmine]

So if women's new love of their life said he had had a vasectomy/sterile, do you expect women to stay on the pill for the next 6 or whatever yrs till they thought they would be ready to have a child just in case he was stooging them.

 

Uh, yes? Unless he was castrated, it's within the realm of possibility that there could be a problem or complication (or regrowth), and if I really didn't want to have a child, I'd keep taking the pill to be on the safe side.

 

How many guys are going to really want to wear condoms for the next 6 or whatever yrs until they feel they could take a chance and go bareback with their latest love who said she had a hysterectomy/polycystic ovary/tubal ligation. Not a lot.

 

 

OP's girlfriend did not have a hysterectomy or a tubal ligation. She has one functioning ovary and enough of a Fallopian tube that her doctor told her pregnancy is still possible in just the right circumstances. And she told her boyfriend all of this.

 

If I told a new boyfriend that I had had a hysterectomy or tubal ligation or whatever, and he asked me for evidence (in a polite way), I'd be happy to oblige. And I hope he would know that tubal ligations can fail and pregnancy can result.

[Eve]

I got to page 7 and couldn't be bothered to read anymore so don't know if the OP got back or not. Sorry if this is repetition.

 

The main part of what I have to say has been said already; the kit could have been used to track ovulation. She may have really wanted to know if she was in fact able to ovulate, which I fully understand. It's like the woman is being held to the fire for the possiblity that she may have secretly wished she could get pregnant - but I think this would be a common wish for persons with a history off gynaecological problems, no?. Especially if they are maternally minded.

 

If the OP holds that over his gf, that would be beyond silly.

 

So, if this was a hope in her heart, I wouldn't hold it against her as you did the deed together and everyone knows that even protected sex has risks, never mind unprotected.

 

The only point I would query OP, is if she had been using the kit for a longer period off time and found out she could ovulate and still not told you. Point being to highlight to you the times off most risk. So saying if there was a medically said chance of pregnancy, ovulation must have been occuring.

 

Guess you have to chalk this one up and look at whether you really are going to follow through and stay with her and your child.

 

Can't imagine that she would want to abort as this maybe her only chance. What you have to do now is find out if extra monitoring will be needed and what risks there could potentially be within this preganancy. It may not even hold. Identifying risk could give you a greater sense of compassion and understanding towards the actual medical complaint and clear up in your own mind the rate of chance behind this pregnancy once and for all for yourself.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Els]

To the contrary, it is the only point. This 15 page thread is almost entirely off-topic. Nowhere does the OP say he regrets the pregnancy, he only takes issue with the apparent lack of transparency in her actions, i.e. to what extent she was actively trying to get pregnant.

 

The OP, as far as I notice, came back, but did not clarify anything, only stated that in Canada he'd have to pay very little child support.

 

Frankly, it would be a very rare 22 year old who would purposefully try to hoodwink a man she isn't married to into getting her pregnant, especially if Canada is as lax on child support as the OP claims. There would be zero motivation. I also notice that people are quick to throw around the 'young/innocent/naive' excuse for the guy while she's an evil conniving witch who must have planned everything from the moment she met him, even though she is younger than him and went 14 months without sex. IMO if anyone was truly naive, it was her, for believing that this man would actually stay with her in the event of a pregnancy. She should have used protection until they were married, really.

 

Most young women with any sort of head on their shoulders know that a baby isn't going to get a young man to stay - much the opposite, unwanted pregnancies often tear young relationships apart. The 'she did it on purpose!' response is a knee-jerk response to panic (and that's even assuming the OP doesn't live under the bridge).

Edited August 28, 2013 by Elswyth

[Mint Sauce]

There would be zero motivation.

 

I think her motivation was her fear of being unable to conceive. I think she couldn't wait to see when the odds would prove her fertile. Rather she helped the odds a bit by optimizing intercourse.

 

This she should not have done behind his back. She should have been upfront about her fear, and her desire to see asap whether she was able to conceive. Perhaps he would have gone along in optimizing the odds. But now he feels blindsided.

[serial muse]

Guess the point was lost by myself as well

 

OP has to ask her directly if this was planned. It may be harsh for her to hear, but if it's bothering him this much he needs to find out. The questions that were asked by him thus far had rational answers, but they just left him with more questions. As I pointed out, he needs to validate the disease, surgerys, and the effect on her chance of pregnancy. If that all checks out, and she has no prior history of deceitful behavior, then he needs to decide whether or not he can believe her. No one else, here or elsewhere, can decide for him that she is trustworthy or not.

 

This!! Exactly this. Thank you for stating the rational. Assuming one way or the other has been the issue in this thread, not to mention with the OP. Despite the insistence of multiple posters here that it's "obvious" she was lying, NOBODY knows what really went down, least of all perfect strangers who have never met the OP or his GF. Rampant speculation is all it is. And why the OP would come here for that speculation, rather than have a talk with this woman about the subject that's really bothering him, is beyond me.

[serial muse]

I think her motivation could have been her fear of being unable to conceive. I think it's possible she couldn't wait to see when the odds would prove her fertile. Rather she might have helped the odds a bit by optimizing intercourse.

 

This, if it's what happened, she should not have done behind his back. She should have been upfront about her fear, and her desire to see asap whether she was able to conceive. Perhaps he would have gone along in optimizing the odds. But now he feels blindsided, even though he doesn't know whether it was intentional.

 

That's how I think it ought to be phrased. IMO. Maybe I'm one of those "entitled women" Ninjapajamas just ragged on, but I just really don't understand why perfect strangers are so certain of what went down here. It's mind-boggling.

Edited August 28, 2013 by serial muse

[serial muse]

The OP and the GF were HIGHLY irresponsible and both shoulder 100% of any blame people seem to want to pass around. NEITHER ONE took a single step or precaution in preventing an unwanted pregnancy.

 

That being said... Below is what MOST of my friends and I have experienced:

 

I have never in my life had a sexual relationship with a woman who did not openly communicate, educate, disclose and inform me of the various precautions (pill, IUD, ring, patch, implant, etc) to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

 

I have never in my life had a sexual relationship with a woman who did not openly communicate, educate, disclose and inform me when she was changing any one of the various above methods and why and the risks / precautions we needed to take.

 

I have never in my life had a sexual relationship with a woman who did not openly communicate, educate, disclose and inform me of the various female issues that she had / was experiencing and what the cause / solution / outcome / time-frame / etc. that was involved in dealing with it.

 

I have never in my life had a sexual relationship with a woman who did not openly communicate, educate, disclose and inform me if she was LATE. Maybe not the very day but it wasn't more than a few and certainty was no later than a week.

 

Back to the OP and his GF...

 

1. She said she had a very low chance of conceiving naturally because she had 1 ovary and fallopian tube removed and part of the other fallopian tube removed, from some disease.

 

What Disease? How can the OP and his GF of 2 YEARS not discuss this very important information together?

 

2. She always got really upset about this and embarrassed so I assumed it true.

 

You can have unprotected sex, date / live together for 2 YEARS and she is unable to have an adult conversation about something that concerns them both?

 

3. They didn't have sex until we were together for 14 months.

 

They didn't start off with a sexual relationship and 14 months is A LOT of time to discuss important matters like STDS, prevention, what ifs, etc.

 

What in the heck did they talk about for 14 months before they finally started a sexual relationship?

 

The 21 year old GF in question...

 

1. She always calls herself a gimp because of her issues.

 

2. She told the OP OFTEN that she thinks he could get someone better because she "can't" have kids.

 

3. She told the OP... "I do not want you to realize the issues I have because it might make it more realistic and you will want someone normal".

 

If any guy with half a brain was told those three things repeatedly... It would make the hair on the back of his neck stand up and his nuts would crawl up into his stomach.

 

How the women here can give her a "free pass" and OVERLOOK those VERY UNHEALTHY thoughts / state of mind / beliefs she had / has... is BEYOND ME!

 

How can anyone say with a straight face that the GF is forthright, a good decision maker, responsible, etc. when she was having unprotected sex with no form of birth control in the first place? Not to mention adding the MAJOR self-esteem / self-worth issues and other psychological issues she CLEARLY communicated numerous times to the OP due to her disease / procedure.

 

I wouldn't have a relationship with a woman who shared those thoughts, had those opinion of herself (and me). On top of that, I would be UNABLE / TERRIFIED to have sex (protected or not) with a woman who communicated those things to me. Every alarm bell in the world would be going off.

 

More on said 21 year old woman...

 

1. She was purchasing / using ovulation kits behind the OP back.

 

I have 4 sisters and was close with them and all of their friends well into my 20s. Neither my friends or I have ever heard of ovulation kits before until some of us were married and trying to have a kid.

 

I have never heard of people using it as a form of birth control and if she was... Why hide it?

 

2. 8 - 9 weeks, no period and still not a peep.

 

I have never in my life had a sexual relationship with a woman who did not openly communicate, educate, disclose and inform me when she was LATE!

 

Why is the GF not sharing this information? Okay I can understand a few days... Hell lets give her 2 weeks. What was she thinking the other 6 weeks?

 

3. After she hasn't had her period for 8 - 9 weeks (OP didn't know / wasn't told) and after she was throwing up for days the OP suggested she take a pregnancy test and her first response was No.

 

My GFs and I were on HIGH ALERT / nervous / concerned whenever they were late. We didn't dismiss it and neither of us said no to taking a test to see if our fears were justified or not.

 

Again, with the issues I list above and now these 3 RED FLAGS how on earth can anyone with a straight face say this 21 year old girl has / is being sensible, reasonable, responsible, forthright, communicative, etc?

 

I am amazed that some of the women in this thread ignore / overlook all the various things I point out above and blindly assume this young 21 year old girl who clearly isn't responsible, has some major self-worth, self-esteem issues and has been anything but forthright and communicative (2 years later still withholding her disease, withheld using ovulation kits, that she did not have a period for 2 months, didn't want to take a pregnancy test, etc.) the benefit of doubt.

 

How is this any different than a Guy...

 

1. BF hurts his back and not telling you how / why.

 

2. Due to his hurt back he is unable to work, feels like less than a man, think you might leave due to his shattered ego, self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, etc.

 

3. BF wants to fix his back, get better, feel like a man again and starts looking up massage parlors without you knowing or being included in the decision making process.

 

4. BF starts visiting massage parlors in shady neighborhoods that are open 24 / 7, have no windows and only accept cash not tell you about it.

 

5. For 8 or 9 weeks his penis "tingles" and you later discover he has these strange "warts" on it.

 

6. He then discloses that he has been to said massage parlors.

 

7. You insist that he get tested and he tells you he doesn't want you to know what it is because you might leave him for someone else and anyways... it's nothing.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and bet there isn't a single female on the planet that is going to overlook / excuse / justify / explain away a guy doing something like that. Maybe she stays with him but do you think she is not going to question / doubt / be concerned / assume he may not have been on the "up and up" on what really happened?

 

Do you think many of the female posters here are going to rally behind and support the guy if that is what took place and tell the girl she shouldn't be concerned or suspect anything?

 

NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!

 

Most of us have heard or know people who either perpetrated or victims of "entrapment". It's not unheard of and it's more common than the other posters would have you believe. Some of my GFs friends freely admitted to me they were purposely trying to get pregnant without their Husbands / BFs knowledge or consent. My co-worker walked in on his now Ex lying on the bathroom floor upside down pouring the contents of the condom into her vagina.

 

 

 

We all Speculate / Give Advice / Share Experiences / Offer Suggestions / Give Feedback based on one sided and limited information on a variety of things from dating, cheating, divorce, marriage, break ups, relationships, etc.

 

Often, just based on pictures in a online dating profile or what is / is not said in a text message... There are COUNTLESS threads where the women "put the guy on the sofa" and have 25 page discussions with all kinds of speculation, theories, ideas and even labeling the guy with mental conditions that he may or may not have.

 

What is it about this situation / 21 year old girl that makes that off limits to do the same?

 

Should we all respond to every post this way?

 

I'm an internet stranger and since I don't know the other persons side of the story, not privy to the conversations, information, etc. we do not know and therefore cannot respond to your questions.

 

Call me crazy but I don't think LS would be around very long if we took your approach on how we should respond to people coming here looking for help, advice, suggestions, ideas, different points of views, etc.

 

WTF? I think you've misunderstood a lot here, dude. Seeing what you want to see. Which is what I'm trying to point out is the problem. Personally, I don't think that it's particularly helpful for people to always paste their issues over strangers' problems as a way of virtually bitch-slapping them. Maybe it feels good to you temporarily, that bracing jolt of superiority injection, but it's not actually helpful, nor, let's just be honest here, is it intended to be. Not fooling anyone.

 

And reading comprehension will also help you here. Nobody said she's not irresponsible. That you glossed over the many people (yes, women, including myself) who straight-up said that is further indication of a disinterest in actually helping anybody. The point has always been whether the GF in question did it on purpose, not whether she was an idiot and 50% responsible for becoming pregnant. 50%. Not 100%. See how that works? See how the issue is whether the OP shares any of this blame? Because suggesting that the GF secretly screwed him over is basically just a way for a certain type of dude who is convinced that all women are evil and plotting babyschemes to let him off the hook for his bad choices. This thread has never been about women letting her off the hook for hers. We all acknowledged she made them. Perhaps you need to read the thread again, with that in mind.

[Els]

It really boggles the mind how some people can write a 2-page long post without first taking the time to read the thread.

 

I mean, I get that the thread is 16 pages long, but if you're going to spout off THAT much, you'd think it'd be worth the investment?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Care to enlighten me on what I seemed to have not read?

 

Since I am a Man and apparently missed some things maybe you can help me understand / fill some blanks / answer some simple questions for me so if I find myself in the situation the OP is in I am better able to deal with it.

 

1. After being in a relationship for almost 2 years and waiting to have sex for 14 months, the OP's GF has refused, unwilling and unable to communicate to her BF what her disease is. Even after getting pregnant, the OP's GF still refuses to share this information with him.

 

Why is that?

 

Shouldn't this be something the two of them should both know / understand and be able to talk about?

 

What are / are there any risks to THEIR baby / the mother that he should know?

 

Does this unknown disease have any effect on the development / health of THEIR baby?

 

2. The OP's GF reasoning / justification / rational behind withholding any and all information before the pregnancy was... "I do not want you to realize the issues I have because it might make it more realistic and you will want someone normal".

 

Now that she is pregnant, is she no longer "abnormal" and now "normal"?

 

Now that she is pregnant, does she think she is worthy of being loved and a man will want to stay with her?

 

Now that she is pregnant, does she still think the OP may want someone else?

 

Since she believes withholding information / not being honest or sharing herself (the good, bad and indifferent) is negative and men will leave her... What other things is she hiding from him? Going forward, how much can the OP expect to be told / not told about her health / their kid / important decisions / her feelings / finances / etc?

 

3. Why did the OP feel like and often call herself a gimp?

Are women only worthy of a relationship / love / defined by their reproductive organs?

 

4. The OP's GF told him repeatedly that she thinks he could get someone better because she "can't" have kids.

 

What else does she think that would cause the OP to want someone else?

 

If there are other reasons she thinks the OP might want someone else, what makes you think she is not going to withhold / hide / lie / deceive him so that he will stay?

 

5. The OP's GF was purchasing / using ovulation kits behind the OP back.

Why did she withhold this information?

 

How common is it for a woman to use ovulation kits as a form of birth control? (I asked around my office today and EVERYONE including every female said it's something that couples use to increase the chances to get pregnant)

 

6. She was late 8 - 9 weeks late and she never communicated this to the OP.

 

Why did she withhold this information?

 

If she was unaware of something as important as that, how is the OP suppose to trust his GF to care for herself and their child? What other things is she forgetting? What other things is the OP's GF not telling him?

 

7. After being late 8 - 9 weeks and the OP learning she was throwing up for days... He suggested she take a pregnancy test and she said No.

Why withhold her disease, using ovulation kits, that she was late (for 8 - 9 weeks), throwing up and now doesn't want to take a pregnancy test?

 

What happens when their baby is sick and has a high fever... Is she going to even notify the OP of it? Is she going take precautions / seek help / give the baby the proper medical attention it needs even though she has demonstrated she doesn't do that now?

 

Is the OP suppose to now BLINDLY ASSUME that his GF is magically healed / fixed and will no longer think / feel / behave in the manner she has demonstrated repeatedly over the last 2 years?

 

Do you have any idea at all what it is like for a woman to have a difficult time conceiving?

This post you just wrote up is baffling...

 

I didn't tell my boyfriend I was tracking my periods, which I am. I also know when I am ovulating as well. I "can't" get pregnant either due to my BC, but guess what? There is still a very small CHANCE. Which is why, my boyfriend, who doesn't want kids yet... still uses a rubber.

 

Just because a woman has a very very LOW chance of being able to get pregnant naturally does not make it impossible.

 

He just sounds like an *******, blaming HER? He could have worn a ****ing condom. Easy fix.

[The Way I Am]

I'm the type of person who thinks that when 2 or more things that are unlikely or out of the norm just happen to coincidentally occur together, it merits at least a second look.

 

In this case, there are 2 elements that are being considered proof this girl is guilty of premeditated pregnancy. 1. She was using an ovulation kit. 2. She didn't tell she was late.

 

In a normal, reproductively-healthy woman, yes, these 2 things together are suspicious. Some women normally use ovulation kits without using it to get pregnant. Some women also don't track their cycle and/or don't have regular periods and wouldn't know for sure when they were late. A reproductively-healthy woman probably would NOT have both of the above together though, because in tracking their ovulation, they would most likely also know when their period would occur. Again, in a normal woman, highly suspicious.

 

But in this case, the woman has only half of her reproductive system. Her medical issues and the explanation she gave for proof of guilt #1, aka the ovulation kit, makes proof of guilt #2, aka not notifying him she was late, seem to go hand in hand more so than they seem to be an incriminating set of coincidences. According to harp, "She said she was using it to see if she ever ovulated, because she only has 1 ovary". If she doesn't know whether she ovulates at all, and its using an ovulation kit to check, it's entirely possible that she's one of the women who don't have regular periods.

 

OP, a less rational person could assume that you're a lying a**hole who told your gf you were okay with having a baby when you weren't just to have sex without a condom -- the same way that the less rational people are telling you that your gf must be a lying, conniving man-trapper. The former isn't fair to you. The latter isn't fair to your gf.

 

I think you meant what you said at the time, but now that reality has hit, you're panicking and looking for an out. That's not a horrible thing. But think about whether a few months or years from now you're going to regret the way you're acting. Are you going to be happy that you got way from this woman because there is the possibility that she was trying to get pregnant without telling you? Are you going regret throwing away a relationship with someone who was apparently the woman of your dreams all because you found out she was using an ovulation kit when there is a plausible innocent explanation for i?

 

You're now questioning her honesty about her medical situation entirely based, I think, on the evidence that she won't let you go to her OB/GYN appointments. Firstly, ew. Why would you expect that or think it was normal? Secondly, if you got confirmation that her medical condition is as she claims, would that be enough for you to trust her? Or would you still have doubts?

 

Based on my experience and those of my friends, everyone we have dated / married has let us know when they are late. Maybe not the first few "days" but if it was a week or more... They made sure we knew.

Are the 100+ women / couples I am referring to above not the norm?

 

How can you and your friends possibly know if every woman you've dated has told you every single time they were ever late? There might have been several instances of being told, but how would know if you were always told? Were you told about every time a woman lost track of time and didn't realize she was late until after she'd already started her period? How would you even know if you were privy to that info?

Edited September 4, 2013 by The Way I Am

[CptSaveAho]

Better than the guy who advocates pushing a woman down the stairs, to clear himself of the responsibility.

 

Oh, wait, that's you, isn't it, CaptSaveaho?

 

Nice deflection... Attacking me because I am not a "sucker" and dont listen and dont believe women's BS

 

I would never put myself in this situation in the first place. I do not date women that have low self esteem, deflect, avoid, with baggage, etc

 

Every women in this thread KNOW that OP got suckered/screwed. Projecting the blame back on to him to make themselves feel better. I was able to see this poor behavior when I was 12 years old so for the women of this thread to blame the op and say he should have worn a rubber (which I do agree with) show the actual quality of women that post here and slam him with most of the blame.

 

Nobody here wants to be happy/grow up/experience the positive aspects of life. Its sad. I figured that what this forum was created and intended for, to fix change grow up well at least thats what I got out of it. Just continue to not fixing the issue, avoiding, deflecting, blaming, living in a cycle of unhappiness and misery.

Edited September 5, 2013 by CptSaveAho