radioflyer Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t38070/?highlight=turmoil a link to my previous post I`m sure that you all remember my story from the post "Never ending turmoil" So I have moved on with my life (so i thought) with my new job, meeting new people, ect... But it hurts just as bad, if not worse 7 months later than what it has since day one. I truly cannot live without this woman in my life and it kills me inside to think of what all has happend. She still tries to contact me almost everyday to say how sorry she is and she wants to come home. I just cannot bare to hear this because it eats me up inside. I don`t answer the phone calls or return then because i am just hoping that it all goes away. on the other hand though, it makes me feel SO GOOD inside knowing the fact that she knows how good she had it and how miserable she made her life. I know that we can rebuild and try again and perhaps it will be better than the first time. so here is the freaking twist in the whole matter AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get a phone call saying that we need to talk. She made me promise that i not hang up. What is the most inevitable thing that could come out of all of this when i thought it couldn`t get any worse? The TWO words "I'M PREGNANT"!!!! We were both under the impression that it was impossible for her to have kids and now this. well, guess what? It isn`t mine! First though from her was abortion. Now mind you, we had started to work things out at this point and everything was going well. She at the time was i think 2.5 months pregnant. She went to see a councilor at the planned parenthood center. at this time, i am thinking to myself....why am i still involved in this and why am i still talking to her? I`m going to try and sum this all up as short as i can. But she came back after taking a week to think about everything. she came back and said that she cannot abort this baby. I said that is fine and i could not talk to her anymore from that point forward. So i got another phonecall yesterday of her crying saying that she made the appt. next week to go through with the abortion because she cannot have this baby and does NOT WANT IT even if she does have it. She said "now do you doubt how much i love you". How is that going to prove anthing to me?? I have nightmares everynight about not being with her. But on the other hand, will it work out in the end if we try? She is basing this abortion off of my and what i think. I cannot have that at all because i feel like the weight is on my shoulders. We both had said through this that I really don`t think she is going to be carrying this baby full term due to the amount of stress, extreme depression, and health problems that she is having. This is another one of her concerns of why she is having the abortion. She is losing major weight instead of gaining and not sleeping or eating instead of doing the opposite. At one point through this too she had salmonela poisoning. I just don`t know what to think anymore or what to do. I truly cannot imagine my life without this person for some reason and i do not know what is drawing me to her. She told me that she realizes that i was her soulmate and that you only get one true love in life and she threw that away. My divorce hearing is on tuesday and her appt. to get the other done is the next day!!! Someone please give me some guidance on this matter. Thank you so much in advance! Marc Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 How pregnant is she exactly? In most states you can't get an abortion after the first trimester (three months). Is it possible that she will want to cancel the divorce hearing knowing that she can't legally go through with the abortion the following day, hoping you'll stick around to raise the child that is not yours? Link to post Share on other sites
Author radioflyer Posted November 12, 2004 Author Share Posted November 12, 2004 she knows that i will not and have told her that i will not raise someone elses child!!!! She said that she is "just going to make it" as far as time goes. But this just makes me sick in the stomach to even think to myself of what the hell am i doing on this board posting this. It just seems sick and twisted!! What the hell is wrong with people and what drives them to do what they do! Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 It is really unfortunate- I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Marc, You aren't so much in love with her as you are in an addictive relationship with her. You got scared at the thought of being alone without her and she was willing to say the right things to snag you back in. She hasn't changed, she was sleeping with someone else and got pregnant. First of all, if you are sleeping with her or plan to...she could expose you to a disease because she isn't using protection. Second of all, she knows you are tender-hearted and weak in the heart when it comes to her, so she knows her dilemna will cause you to forget everything and head back to her. If you choose to stay with her, you can count on this type of relationship the rest of your life. She will never be yours but you will always be hers to use and hurt over and over. Unless you break away from this horrible addiction, your life will be on hold and you will never grow as a person or find out what it's like to be in a relationship that isn't based on drama, lies and what YOU can do for that person. You'll never know a true and faithful love of a woman that is just as concerned about your needs and you are hers. You could have a pregnant wife that is having YOUR baby and not someone else. I don't know how you do it but you've got to break free from this addiction. As cruel as it may sound, you don't owe her a thing and you need to get this dangerous drug of drama and deceit OUT of your life forever!! Please move on and away from her!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetz Posted November 12, 2004 Share Posted November 12, 2004 Sound advice VivianLee Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted November 13, 2004 Share Posted November 13, 2004 Marc... whose baby is it? OM's? Or has she been running around screwing up a storm with random guys? If it's OM's, then presumably she's still living with him. And if that's the case, then you shouldn't believe a word from her mouth. If she wanted you as anything more than a safety net, somebody to pick her up when she falls, she's be demonstrating that through her actions, by ending things with OM, moving out, and not having anything to do with him. Of course she sounds pathetic and sad and pitiable. Her hormones are in a whirl right now because of the pregnancy. Don't let that drag you back in. Leaving aside the issue of whether or not she's a good long term investment, DON'T get sucked back in just because she's crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author radioflyer Posted November 16, 2004 Author Share Posted November 16, 2004 Hey all......I really do no know if it is his (atleast she said that she is sure that it is his). The thing is though, is that i had sex with her about a week and a half prior to the time when the doctor told her how far along she was. when she told me, i did the math and he said that was 8.5 weeks pregnant. How long after having sex with someone are they considered "pregnant"? Or perhaps to put it another way, the point where the doctors can tell how far along she is? If it takes a week and a half or so after conception than i very well could be in trouble. Anyway, today was the day that my divorce was final. Naturally, i got a phone call from her at 8am (but did not answer) telling me that she loves me and misses me and wish i would pick up the phone so we could talk. And then another phone call at 11:30 right after she went to court to sign the papers (i didn`t have to show up). She was crying and saying how sorry she was for everything she has put me through and she will never forgive herself. she also said that if i ever need someone to talk to, to call her. I however, do not think that this will be the end of the phone calls. Tomorrow was supposed to be her appt. with the "center" to have her abortion (i have a hard time just typing it) and i really think that she made the appointment in a spur-of-the-moment/ hormonal inbalance period. So, where does this leave me?.......... My stomach is tied in knots (perhaps it`s the coffee) and i am just staring at the wall hoping that all the bad things in my life disappear and that i will one day be happy again! I really don`t see that happening right now, but the only thing that i can do is take one day at a time. I spoke with her two days ago when she called to perhaps "put my mind at ease" and see what she had to say. At one point my emotions came out after i promised myself that i will no longer have any emotion towards this part of my life, but to remain numb. This did not happen. I, at one point, let every emotion out towards her for the way that she treated me, the way that she changed my life, and stripped me of all of my dignity that i had. I let a single tear leave my body for this woman again!! I think that it was the final tear and final ounce of anything that i had in me....................................................................... ............................................................................................................................. Thank you all again, marc Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 If you love her and want to be with her you have to accept both her and the baby. She has apologize and is remorseful for what she did. You can't keep punishing her for this. Either you have to let her go and let your self open to other people, or head back with her with counseling. Have you told her this abortion is not going to recify all of this? Good chance she is also in a depression. It might feel good now that she wants you back and a boost to your ego, but you have to make a choice. Letting her kill this baby so she has some hope to be with you is cruel. Telling her there was no way that you two were going to be together if this baby wasn't yours, at least to me wasn't right. What she did was wrong, but this baby had no choice in the matter. This child did not ask to be brought into this world in this manner, yet he/she is here. You brought it upon your own shoulders when you said you were not going to be with her because of this, and when she has threatened to abort you did not state in your replies that you told her not too. If you love her then show her your love. Deal with your anger, your hurt but not in a way that will sacrafice the life of a child. Go to counseling, you both need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetz Posted November 16, 2004 Share Posted November 16, 2004 nice post jmargel Link to post Share on other sites
Author radioflyer Posted November 17, 2004 Author Share Posted November 17, 2004 very very good post i must add myself. it is funny that you wrote that because, as you know, today was divorce day!! I have chosen not to think about it, but the inevitable came about!!! She called and called and came to the house. for some strange reason, she knew that i was here and not working. she left messages on the answering machine for me to answer the door and she was not leaving until i do. now, any other day, i am not home, or i am, but will not answer the door. today, she really knew i was inside. as she was calling and pleading for me to answer, i could really hear it in her voice that she is on a very serious breaking point! i answered and she just stood and cried and cried! once again, it kills me to see her like this............as much that has happend and i have read my posts over and over, it is still hard. i just stared at the ground thinking to myself "and i thought it was over". She came inside and we both cried until we couldn`t cry anymore. She just kept looking around the house saying that she never really thought of anywhere else that was home, but in this house. At one point of our conversations, i collapsed on the floor had a complete breakdown! I became physically ill at one point. As she was sitting there, it was like we were just having a fight and everything was going to be okay afterwards, but in fact, in the back of my mind, i knew it wasn`t going to be. There is that big problem in the middle! I told her that i cannot and WILL NOT be a part of it! I could not go on with my life knowing that it wasn`t mine and raising it. I made that abundantly clear and perhaps that sent her the message. I am summing up a very long and emotional night for me in a matter of a few paragraphs. I really don`t know how it ended.....i know however that she sat and stared at me for a long time until i told her to stop. i asked her why she was staring...she said because she knows that it would be the last time that she ever will see me and she knows that, so she wanted to take it all in while she could. She kissed me on the cheek, rubbed my back, and i told her to go.................... once again....that was it! Thanks for listening Marc Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 Oh Marc...Just read these posts and I can feel your pain here. I'm sorry for all that you are feeling! It's so horrible and sad! My heart goes out to both of you actually. Just a sad story. Do try and take good care of yourself. Don't beat up on yourself either, just do what you have to do to get through all this, rely on family and friends, find a therapist so they can help you cope. Lots of hugs to you, sounds like you need afew. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
sadhubby Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 man you made the right disicion ,she made her bed now she sleeps in it alone ..you deserve better you will find someone who will love you .and she will live with regret untill the end of her days .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author radioflyer Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 I got the divorce paperwork in the mail the other day. I opened it, stared for a minute and put it away. For some reason, i showed no emotion. I treated it as if it were a peice of junk mail. However, my house is up for sale and I am moving up north to get away from everything and everyone around here. I realized what were my friends around this place, are not really my frineds at all. The things that i have told them to keep confident and that i didn`t want anyone to know about, I found out from someone else. I had numerous people come up to me and tell me that there were rumors floating around about her being pregnant. I asked where they found out and they told me the name of whom i thought was my very good friend. Well, I am no longer a friend. So, it is time to move on in more ways than one. I am starting a new life with everything in it being a fresh start. I have changed my outlook on life, people, material things, family ect........ Deep inside i still have an emptiness and a scar which i think will fade little by little, but perhaps that scar will remind me for the future not to take anything for granted! I have been talking to several people (women) for general conversation and just for the female companionship. They have been pressing me everyday to sell my house, pack everything up and find a new dwelling and a new life. It is good to have NEW friends to help me out and motivate me like this! All in all, for those of you who are remotely close to my situation and think that life will never get any better, take my word for it...............IT WILL!!!! You have to do it for yourself and no one else! You have to be the motivated one to get up and move on and realize that if things cannot be worked out, you have to let go...................................talk to you all soon! Marc Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 Glad to hear things are getting better, best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author radioflyer Posted December 16, 2004 Author Share Posted December 16, 2004 It is around the holidays now and I really don`t know what my feelings are anymore. I perhaps just want them to go by quickly and be the end of it. However, i had a conversation with her lastweek. She has been sending me text messages to me on my cell phone saying how she hates her life and she is such a failure. How she cannot live without me and she is so sorry for what she has done. On and on about she knows that i love her and she loves me and people have been through worse things in life. But i just don`t get it. Her pregnancy just keeps pushing more forward which now i know that it is NOT mine! She was supposed to be 20+ weeks and now she tells me 17 weeks. which takes it to the end of july/ beginning of august. I cannot believe this!!!! It makes me sick to my stomach when i see anything about pregnancy or babies ect....is this normal? She just sent me a text......i know that she is miserable and she flat out told me that she is not ready to be a mother and she does not want this baby in any way!!! she said that she is trying everthing to get me back and go back to the way that things were. how is she just now realizing this? i feel like when this whole affair has been going on, she has been lying to me. When i asked her after she told me that she was pregnant, she said that they have only had sex two times!!! is this possible? she said the one time that she told me about and there was one other time. but when i asked her the time frame of when she could have gotten pregnant, she said that she had to look at the calendar because she wasn`t sure. now, this to me sounds like there is more than 2 times. i mean, you sleep in the same bed togeher and you are going to tell me that you never have sex ect?? Anyway, just wanted to vent a little more and update you on what i have been going through. It seems though, that when i have no contact with her, that my life is much better. but the moment that she tries to contact me, i just crumble. secretly inside i am hoping that she has gotten over me and moved on, but she hasn`t. I know that it kills her after a couple of days of not talking to me. Here again, i look back at everything and everything she has done and the nasty things that she has said to me to help her end this so that she can move on.....like coming in and taking the stuff off of the walls and taking the last few things that she had here and leaving with it. She moved from and apt. to a townhouse and she was telling me how bad she didnt want to move ect....but yet she asked me if she could take some pots and pans and silverware because she didnt have any. (and she was moving with him too). When i talked to her the other day, she was whispering as if she didn`t want him to hear her at night. She said that they always fight about everything and he never listens (well, this is the reason that she said she left me, is the fact that he listens). I asked her if she resented him because he manipulated her and she said yes. She seems to be scared of him and scared to leave him because he would "freak out" . Can someone analyze this and let me know. I have really found other things to do with my time and have semi-moved on. Sometimes my life feels great, but other times it is horrilbe!! I truly again think that i feel bad for her because she got herself in a siituation now that she cannot get out of! She hates the decisions that she has made and tells me all the time that she knows that she had everything that anyone could ever want, but chose to throw it away and she cannot stand herself for doing so!! Thanks for listening and letting me vent again! HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 16, 2004 Share Posted December 16, 2004 Aww Marc...I'm sorry for this pain your feeling. I can tell you right now she is realizing that 'the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence' and seems like she's feeling 'out' where you are and what you feel. That must be hell on you, to get on abit, stay busy and seem happier then POOF she's pulled you in again and it messes with your mind and emotions. I bet it is confusing. I see that you still do love her and care for her but at the same time you need to put yourself first. Kinda mean, sorry, but she's made her bed and now she has to lay in it. Think she knows she's made an awful mistake and wants to see if you'll take her back. The pregnancy issue. Well she can give the baby up for adoption? Where does this other guy fit in? Does he want it? I don't believe either they've only had sex twice. BS is right. She seems to be scared of him and scared to leave him because he would "freak out" . Can someone analyze this and let me know. Asking her what she means by that would be a good thing. Is he kinda nuts? Know what I mean by that... She could also just be scared of hurting him and he'll be upset if she is thinking of leaving him. She's confused and needs some serious councilling. Please suggest that to her. Especially if she is planning on keeping this baby. The baby deserves a happy home and 2 parents who will LOVE that child. You hang in there Marc. I hope you get through the holidays without too much bah humbug! Keep on posting, good to see you again. WWIU Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Originally posted by whichwayisup Aww Marc...I'm sorry for this pain your feeling. I can tell you right now she is realizing that 'the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence' and seems like she's feeling 'out' where you are and what you feel. Thats what it sounds like to me. You've moved away right? You have to end contact. Change your number. If you have to talk with her over financials etc., do it through an intermediary. She's just trying to reel you back in so you can fix the mess she got herself into. Tell her to go see a counselor and get help if this guy is abusive but distance yourself from her. Otherwise she'll keep bringing you back in, hurting your feelings. Happy Holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Letting her kill this baby so she has some hope to be with you is cruel. Telling her there was no way that you two were going to be together if this baby wasn't yours, at least to me wasn't right. What she did was wrong, but this baby had no choice in the matter. This child did not ask to be brought into this world in this manner, yet he/she is here. You brought it upon your own shoulders when you said you were not going to be with her because of this, and when she has threatened to abort you did not state in your replies that you told her not too. that is a total judgement call. not everyone feels this way about abortion. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl26 Posted December 17, 2004 Share Posted December 17, 2004 I agree with GirlDown, but thats a little besides the point. I was sort in a similar but not similar situation. I dated someone in HS moved 400 miles to be with that person only to find out that he really wasn't ready for what I "thought" I was. Took me almost a year to really break up with him. Fast forward three years I met and married someone that unfortunetly is not right for me as I am not really right for him. Fast forward another 5 years I am still hemming and hawing over what to do about this aspect of my life. Lots of counseling I go through. I have known my x for over 10 years, he knows me better than anyone including my husband(scary), which means he knows exactly which buttons to push to make my heart spin. I have struggled for years whether to keep this friendship with him, I too just can't seem to let go, I feel almost exactly what you feel when she contacts you. Our situation does not involve the other factor of pregnancy though. I will be flamed for what I am about to say due to what I admitted but...you must let go of her. You said yourself you feel better when you don't talk to her, thats a pretty blantant sign. It does you no good to worry about another persons problems. If you feel pretty sure that this child is not yours then wash your hands and let her know in a nice but firm way that she needs to stop talking you about the pregnancy or abortion and to stop contacting you in general, no emails, phone calls, no text messages that you will in no way enable her decision either way. To women this sends a pretty clear message, we are stubborn creatures of habit but she will get the message eventually. Change you phone number and cell number and make yourself unlisted, only make that info available to family and let them know that they are not to under circumstance give that info out. Move on up north if you haven't already. From your previous posts it seems to me that you are a pretty strong person and that you have resisted the temptation more times than you haven given in. She contacts you because she knows she can and which buttons to push. I know very well this all is easier said than done and I am hardly one to give advice but its pretty clear what you need to do to help yourself move on. I feel for your situation and understand the pain of pulling on the heart strings. She is an enabler and you are allowing to continue that behavior, you need to let her know that she needs to find someone else to enable, maybe the father of the child......would be a good place to start. Be strong, I wish you lots of luck. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
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