Day 10 of no conatct

[Cali408]

Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

 

Great work!

 

I had a dream last night. Woke up at 5 AM. At the butterflies but I feel this calm when I say. It's over and always will be. And it's my ego, talking. I become more determined than ever to kick this thing.

 

Do I think about her? Of course, but am determined this time.

[llleonidus]

I feel alot better today, i have dreamt of her twice in the last week and probably will again.

 

Things have been better since ive kept telling my self ITS OVER.

 

We didn't work out time to move on.

 

Had my 2nd therapist session earlier and starting to tap into why my insecurities are there, mine go way back to my child hood, abandonment issues ect. Feels amazing to finally get my head around it and start to get to the source of the insecurities.

 

Let me know how yours went. Stay strong and no contact brother

[Eddie007]

I'm the same way. I refuse to give in and contact her, no matter how much it hurts. Sometimes I fear she is waiting for me to contact and if I don't she will forget me all together and it will be too late, but then I remember she is the one that wanted out, the ball is in her court.

 

I've done the crying, begging, non-stop texting/calling in other break-ups and it never worked. Only made me feel like a loser. It's just hard to let go of something you had in your life everyday for more than 4 years. I feel unloved and unwanted. I know my family loves me but its not the same.

 

I'm really trying to better myself this time. I've been in a relationship for so long I've become dependent on it. I miss the companionship. I've never really been alone for any length of time for the past 15 years. I've only had 3 relationships in my life. Two were long term and the third was a rebound between the long term ones(1 marriage and another engagement). I'm scared to be alone.

 

I have a good job I've been at for 13 years. Never cheated or ever really wanted to cheat. Something about my personality just latches on and eventually smothers the other person. After my wife cheated on me I became very untrusting in my next relationships (checking their phones, FB etc....) and really believe it pushed them away. I was always very loving but so damn insecure and jealous. I didn't mind er going out without me but I aways checked her phone when she got back. I don't want to be like that anymore. I hope counseling will help me with this.

[llleonidus]

The first step in making those insecurities/jealousy issues go away is admitting that you are in fact a jealous and insecure person, which you have said and admitted to. Now your going to couselling and trying to get over these issues Is only the first step.

 

If you really want to you will be beat this. That is a fact.

 

Let me tell you from first hand experience that taking that step is very hard, i felt very emasculated by the whole thing, i dont any more become i know that was the first step in becoming a better partner in the future.

 

Ever thought that this had to happen so you can finally get over these issues for the next girl who comes your way and then it will be perfect?

 

Don't beat your self up to much man, all relationships take 2 people to make it work, i guarantee you could write down a whole bunch of stuff she did wrong.

 

Your just having a down day, you will feel better after that session.

[Eddie007]

Yeah, today has sucked. I'm trying to move on but aging trouble letting go. Deep back in my mind I've convinced myself we will be in contact and maybe together again. I'm trying to same that thought.

 

I think part of the reason I'm going to the therapist is I'm hoping if she does get in contact, she can see I'm working on myself. I want to do it fir me but if I said it was 100% for e I'd be lying.

[Eddie007]

Today I hit 2 weeks of BU and NC. I still miss her a lot but have come a long way. Yesterday I had my first therapy session and it felt good to talk about things to someone I felt was really listening.

 

I know I still have a long way to go, but am headed in the right direction. I've been talking to a few girls who seem to be interested but I just don't feel ready to take that step yet, which is different from my past experiences. After past breakups I was ready to jump right to the next chapter. This last girl really made me feel loved like I never felt before, at least the first 3-3.5 years. I guess that's what I'm having such a hard time moving on from.

 

No urge on my part to contact her. I'm determined to following through with the steps I've taken to improve my self and show her she made a mistake in giving up on us.

[Eddie007]

More sadness hit me today. It's been 2 weeks of strick no contact and its getting easier but still have my moments like today. I still think about the good times and it depresses me. I have noticed though when I think of her I have to really concentrate to see her face. Almost like its a blur unless I really think about what she looks like. I hope that's a good thing.i still haven't fully let go though. I think of all the good progress I've made on bettering my self and life and it helps a lot.

[llleonidus]

Ive been having a down day today was feeling better, although i know its over i know find my self thinking pf getting back together in a few months time although i know deep down i dont want that.

 

I guess we just got to ride it out buddy, what else can we do? why are we wasting time thinking about people who probably are not thinking about us, i feel like im getting left behind some how and see is now going to do the things we planned with some other guy.

 

Can't wait for this to be over, i do have another date lined up for 2 weeks time when she is back in town, set up by mutual friend and she is gorgeous although i feel like i have no interest in it, even though my ex is probably out dating her self.

 

Keep your replys coming buddy, get it off your chest

[Eddie007]

Today has been better. I went to the gym and it really helped me get away from it for a bit. I've been having weird dreams at night though. She is always there but the drems aren't about her or us. I feel good about the progress I've made but I still miss her and wonder if she misses me.

[AHaze]

show her she made a mistake in giving up on us.

 

No, that's not it, that's just what you think after the break up... along with 1million+1 other things. It's a classic.

 

It's been 2 weeks man, you've got AT LEAST another 50 weeks of healing before you even BEGIN to feel genuinely good about yourself and your situation... because from what you're writing I can see you're taking the long route, I've been down that route.

 

You're not genuinely improving yourself, you're hurting yourself... it's all for her, to impress her, to make her regret it, to show her!!

Not for yourself. regardless of what you try to convince yourself on here.. that is the FACT of the matter.

 

Feel free to be depressed for a couple of months and do nothing, face it head on, because in a year when you finally do begin to genuinely improve YOURSELF for YOURSELF, you will feeling nothing short of AMAZING with no pain just acceptance of the lessons you have learned and at peace with yourself.

 

 

She ended it, she said sorry 100 times, she cried and helped you pack... but she didn't stop you.

 

The tears were crocodile, truth is that she was glad you were leaving, she felt relieved, she didn't want you anymore... and wasn't in love with you anymore,

 

An even harsher TRUTH is... there's a definite possibility that there's another guy involved somewhere in the midst of it all, whether she's just thinking about him or ****ing him, there's a high chance he exists.

But even if there is, it doesn't matter, she'll find one sooner or later, and if you accept that maybe one already exists (which is likely)... then the worst has already happened, things can only get betterrrr... but not yet, you're in for feeling a lot worse very soon.

 

Take it from a HIGHLY EXPERIENCED, EXPERT 21 year old HAHAHAHA... no seriously, not only did I spend the best part of 8 months living on this forum everyday, reading every story a guy could tell about breaking up...

I lived the reality last year and some part of this year... it happened to me 14 months ago with a girl/the only girl I had ever been in love with, I speak from experience.

 

She's not sweet, she's not genuinely upset, she's not heart broken Eddie, she doesn't miss you, she opted out long before she broke up with you... she's done her healing and acceptance before the break up even happened.

 

You're not making progress, you're heading straight for a car crash by pretending that everything is ok and you're dealing with it, coping so soon after the break up... and you're going to weather the storm and come out on the other side unscaved in a couple of weeks... nah,

 

That just isn't how love / heart break works man, you can't fool it and it's gonna catch up with you VERY soon...

 

At least, that's my experience anyway.

 

Dealing with it, going to the gym.. chillin with friends, it's all calm before the storm in 1or2 months when you break down alone in your house as a grown man in tears over a witch that has broken your heart, when you finally realize she doesn't want you... that relationship is OVER.... that is when the process of begins, and boyyyyyy it ****ing hurts like nothing else I've ever known.

Edited September 1, 2013 by AHaze

[Eddie007]

I'm not under any illusions that I'm over this. I'm 35 years old and have been divorced for 7 years. I thought 7 years ago my life was over but I moved on and healed. I know I have a long way to go. Sure I still hold onto a little hope, but as you said it's only been 2 weeks. It takes more than two weeks to reach the acceptance phase after a 4 year reationship and engagement. I've admitted some of the things I'm doing to improve myself had an "ill show her" mentality. After my failed marriage I did nothing to improve myself and ive seen where it got me, nowhere but right back in the same spot. I really do want to improve for myself, I know I have to if I want to succeed in any future relationships.

 

Mayb after 2 weeks I'm still n lala land, but my eyes are wide open.

[AHaze]

I'm not under any illusions that I'm over this. I'm 35 years old and have been divorced for 7 years. I thought 7 years ago my life was over but I moved on and healed. I know I have a long way to go. Sure I still hold onto a little hope, but as you said it's only been 2 weeks. It takes more than two weeks to reach the acceptance phase after a 4 year reationship and engagement. I've admitted some of the things I'm doing to improve myself had an "ill show her" mentality. After my failed marriage I did nothing to improve myself and ive seen where it got me, nowhere but right back in the same spot. I really do want to improve for myself, I know I have to if I want to succeed in any future relationships.

 

Mayb after 2 weeks I'm still n lala land, but my eyes are wide open.

 

I knew you were probably older and wiser when I was writing that... just like many others on this site, but if they have all the answers why do they come here in search of what they already know?

(I will probably do the same thing if it ever happens to me again.)

 

I imagine it's easier to think of things in the manner of an experienced 35 year old (calm, wise, etc)... but much harder to live them out in the heat of the moment,

 

And not only have I lived through it myself (and healed moving on with my life for real), but I've seen sosososo many misguided people on here refusing to accept the reality, facts and likelyhoods... I was one of them at one point.

 

That is why I write assumptive, harsh with no sugarcoating...

 

Not every situation is the same and all I have is my own experiences to compare to...

 

My ex cried too, told me she was sorry too, told me she loved me too... I learnt those things are just plastic acts of guilt and sympathy rather than genuine feelings.

 

In the first few weeks I tried to be a soldier too, hitting the gym too, going out with friends too, sleeping around with random women too... none of it worked, it wasn't me "letting go, accepting it, healing, moving on, showing her"... it was just a delusional filler-phase, awaiting the inevitable sinking depression which came very soon after...

 

 

I relate what you write, to what I experienced, and than I analyze your situation based on that... and then I give my opinion/advise. that's all.

 

And my advise is always the same when somebody talks about break up so soon after they happened...

 

"It's gonna get A LOT worse, and there's nothing you can do about it, besides letting your feelings flow naturally, living with them... and allowing time to heal you".

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/420440-little-over-year-later

 

I posted this a day after you posted your thread, as you were beginning to endure the start of losing somebody you love... I was just itching to tell the world how great and satisfying it feels to TRULY feel good again after going through it all...

 

It took me SO MUCH pain and time to get to this point... so when I see you writing things like "I think I'm moving on, coping, trying" after just 10 days... I think to myself... "come on man, you're kidding yourself".

Edited September 2, 2013 by AHaze

[Eddie007]

Today is day 20 with no attempts by either of us to reach out. I've had ups and downs, but more ups. I feel good about the progress I've made on my issues but it doesn't make me miss her any less. Still a long way to go as I know I have not let go yet.

 

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed we got back together but with a twist. It was the life I had with my most recent ex (same house, her mom, her dad, daughter, dog etc.) but it wasnt her it was with my wife of years ago. Everything was identical except my sub conscience replaced my recent ex with my ex wife of years ago. I've had no romantic feelings or desire of reconsiliation with my ex wife for many years. Not sure what that means, if anything.

Edited September 6, 2013 by Eddie007

[Trying2MakeIt]

Today is day 20 with no attempts by either of us to reach out. I've had ups and downs, but more ups. I feel good about the progress I've made on my issues but it doesn't make me miss her any less. Still a long way to go as I know I have not let go yet.

 

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed we got back together but with a twist. It was the life I had with my most recent ex (same house, her mom, her dad, daughter, dog etc.) but it wasnt her it was with my wife of years ago. Everything was identical except my sub conscience replaced my recent ex with my ex wife of years ago. I've had no romantic feelings or desire of reconsiliation with my ex wife for many years. Not sure what that means, if anything.

I feel you. Hang in there. I am around your age group. Divorced...thought I could not move on but of course I did. Feel in love with this other girl years later only for her to dump me, and I had a very hard time recouping. See your mind is mature, serious, and was really emotionally invested. This lady, Im sure is not secure, perhaps very insecure in ways you didnt even know, and when things became stagnent she coward out. It tell more about what she isnt that what you are .

 

I am still in NC as well. Its hard as hades some days. Why? Because you are geniune. And geniune people just dont crap on others and feel nothing. You have a conscious, thus the weird dreams. Just take solace that as you are healing; and you are... the same things that made her drift are still there. You are in many ways much stronger than her. I know that means little now. Yet know, She is and will remain incomplete and broken because shes not dealing with herself. She is putting a band-aid on herself by rebounding and trust following any ill wind that shows her attention. Your sweetest revenge is success...and trust one day she will see it and want back in. But by that time, have a feeling you wouldnt want her to.

[Eddie007]

Trying

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. She has a family history of depression and I can see the signs it's in her as well. Even her family sees it. She has a daughter with special needs and really has a hard time dealing with her. She would often just cry because she was so stressed about her daughter. When I noticed her getting more distant I tried to talk about it. She said she was in a rut and didnt know how to get out of it. She told me she wanted to be with me and we would work on it. That was several months ago and she never worked on it. I did it all. When she finally dumped me saying she was no longer happy I asked her why she never tried to fix things and her response was "I don't know"

 

She's lost and confused. I was by no means perfect (I was clingy and sometimes jealous) but never any emotional or physical abuse. I told her I loved her and how beautiful she was all the time, and always asked for hugs and kisses and she always obliged, but I noticed toward the end it was always me asking as she never offered a hug or I love you like she used to.

[Trying2MakeIt]

Trying

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. She has a family history of depression and I can see the signs it's in her as well. Even her family sees it. She has a daughter with special needs and really has a hard time dealing with her. She would often just cry because she was so stressed about her daughter. When I noticed her getting more distant I tried to talk about it. She said she was in a rut and didnt know how to get out of it. She told me she wanted to be with me and we would work on it. That was several months ago and she never worked on it. I did it all. When she finally dumped me saying she was no longer happy I asked her why she never tried to fix things and her response was "I don't know"

 

She's lost and confused. I was by no means perfect (I was clingy and sometimes jealous) but never any emotional or physical abuse. I told her I loved her and how beautiful she was all the time, and always asked for hugs and kisses and she always obliged, but I noticed toward the end it was always me asking as she never offered a hug or I love you like she used to.

People like that are considered Borderline even Narcissist. Never happy , never satisfied yet pose and use everyone in the outside world to make themselves seem together. If you not careful, they will make you question yourself. I Was in that situation. Mine had a son with special needs and ailing mom. I spent more energy lifting her up financially and emotionally than seeing her actually appreciate the love I was giving her. Folks like these are wishy-washy at best. They feed off your initial emotions and finances until they get bored and distracted and seek or get it elsewhere. its there new thing. They drop you for the new rush. Very similiar to a drug addict.

 

I would say dont try to rationalize her behavior . Work on improving yourself. Building those dreams you had , yet detoured slightly to fit her in. Its hard yet you cant make sense of someone who doesnt make common sense. It will drive you insane. She is not rational , stuck in her own world; and I would suspect selfish and self-centered.

 

She will try to seek what she cant find, happiness inside herself. The best thing you can do is Do for yourself . Put it this way....when she truly sees you have moved on, and one day trust she will; only then you can move forward. At that point it would be your choice, yet I would suspect you are wise enough to know better and stay far away. Good luck

[Eddie007]

For the first time in weeks I have the urge to contact her. I almost did it this evening but stopped. It's been a thought day. Just can't seem to get my mind off her.

[Eddie007]

Well here I am at day 25.

 

25 days since "D Day". 25 days since either of us has tried to contact the other. Sometimes I wish I would have begged and cried for her to reconsider. I feel like I just gave up without a fight. I know the begging and crying gets you nowhere, but at least I would feel like I gave it my all. She said she wasnt happy, I cussed a little bit, asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted, she said yes. I told her there is no way we could be friends, she said ok. We packed my stuff, she cried, I left and have not had any contact what so ever since (With the exception of her checking my FB page the day of and day after the BU, which I promptly deleted my account all together)

 

I dont know if Im doing better or not. Some nights I sleep, some nights I dont. Some days I barely think of her, some days she is all I think about. Some days I feel Ive let go, somedays I break down and cry.

 

The only thing I know for sure is I still miss her and love her. I think it would have been so much easier if we could have had a big blow up fight and said awful things to eachother. Im not angry with her. Shes not angry with me. She was always nice, respectful and seemed to genuinely care for and love me as I did her.

 

Her feelings just changed over the past year or so and there isnt a thing I can do about it. Thats what hurts the most.

[Eddie007]

Day 30

 

Its getting better day by day. The past few days have been good. I dont think about her as much, and when I do its mostly happy things and not so much sadness. We were good together for so long, but in the end her ending it was probably the best for both of us right now. We both have issues and this was probably the only way to work them out. I feel good about the progress I've made to this point. NC has made all the difference. I have been talking to a few women but nothing serious. I know Im still not healed and dont want to lead anyone else on.

 

I find myself still praying she will reach out, but at the same time hoping she doesnt so I can fully move on. I don't want bread crumbs. I have no proof or way of knowing but I just get the feeling she is not working on herself or her depression and will just jump to another relationship to fill the void.

 

I still miss our relationship. There were many more good times than bad in my point of view. I believe she thought so as well but it is all speculation on my part.

 

Anyway I'm still here. Still in NC since the break-up. Its helps more than you can know as long as you stick to it.

[H245]

Hey Eddie, I feel your pain. I'm on day 11 of a 6 month on and off again relationship. She broke up with me twice and both times she was really distant like you ex. She didn't cuddle or even try to hug me after she was so passionate initially. I can relate to you as I also tend to be the needy/clingy type, but I have tried to work on it actively while I was with her. I'm 30 and she's 24 to give some perspective.

 

I'm having a hard time dealing with it as well (sleepless nights, lots of anxiety, hoping she will reach out). I see that you are doing better with the NC rule which I hope to get there as well. My problem is that at some point I will see her because we hang out with the same group of people and every Tuesday is trivia night at one of the bars that she likes to go to weekly. I plan to avoid it for the time being while I get better, but I would ideally like to go back as there is a group of people that goes that I would like to see again, but when she is not there.

 

Regardless, I want to say find hope for myself in reading your story and how you are doing so far. I posted mine on this site as well. I feel like breaking NC, but I need to remain strong.

[lindsay1990]

I love when you say NC has made all the difference. Hopefully I will feel that say too, soon. I go back and forth between thinking of the good things, the bad things and the issues, like you say we both had, that we needed to change. Maybe they knew better than us after all? Ha.

 

Stay strong, you seem to be right on track.

[Eddie007]

Im not sure they know better than us. I knew there were issues, I was just afraid of doing what needed to be done. I was afraid of feeling the way I do now.

 

Looking back it was just a matter of time before one of us pulled the trigger. She just mustered up the courage first. She has so much more family and friend support. Not that my family and friends dont support me but they are all in a different state.

 

I'm not sure I would have ever gotten up the courage to end it. I've always told her I would never leave her side unless she asked me to. I know I probably should have but I didnt want her to go though what I am now.

 

The break-ups are so much more difficult when there are no hard feelings. I can't think of a bad word to say about her. She did the right thing for both of us at this time. Will things change over time? I don't know. I hope they do but I can't wait around for it.

[lindsay1990]

This is very close to what I find myself more inclined to feel everyday. Do you feel there were no hard feelings from the beginning of the split, or with time they have died down?

 

Anyway, good luck and keep moving forward.

[Cali408]

Great news Eddie! Day 13 for me, 20 out of 21, she called me. It get easier every day to the point, why go back? Anxiety is gone, appreciating the nice things in life. I took a picture of a rainbow at a traffic light! Seriously, I would never have done that before.

[Eddie007]

I dont feel there were any hard feelings from either of us. I knew things werent right for several months, but she assured me it was ok and she wated to be with me. I realize she is depressed and from her own words is not even sure what she wants. All I know is that neither of us were getting what we needed from the relationship as we had in the past.

 

I went against my better judgement and stuck it out hoping it would get better. It didn't. Breaking up was the only option because she was not happy and didnt want to work through the problems.

 

I know for a fact she at one point loved me very much and was looking forwardto us being married. I have heard this from her family memebers in the past. We just grew apart.

 

My best chance is to let her be and live my life the bast I can for my future wether it includes her or not.