One year later

[MsOptimist]

Today marks one year to the day when the bomb was dropped on me, and wow I can honestly say that I am in such a better place in life all around. It feels good to know that I have been through all of the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and made it through alive.

 

Here are my original threads in case anyone wants more backstory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/347706-moving-out-divorcing

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/366283-still-surviving-trudging-through

 

The short version is that my exH blindsided me in search of greener grass. It was cold, harsh, swift, and my world turned upside down instantly. He tried to reconcile a few times, but the more I was away from him and the situation, the more I realized that I am better off without him and that we are just not a good match for each other. Deep down I knew that all along but initially was willing to fight to make it work - I never realized, until we were apart, how much that struggle to make it work drained me.

 

The divorce has been finalized for almost 6 months now and I have been living in my new place for almost 11 months. My life is so very different in so many ways and it's getting better. Absolutely I've had my low points - LOTS of them - but I am learning to take them in stride and stay confident that everything swings back up in due time. I've learned to not sweat the small stuff and also to not take for granted the little pleasures in life.

 

My social circles have expanded so much since the separation and divorce and I've made so many great new friends and strengthened relationships with old friends. I haven't had this much of a social life probably since college!

 

I'm staying very active and doing the things I like to do - run, bike, explore.

 

Last year I ran a race just 2 days before the bomb was dropped. It's a large race, but in a city known to be crime ridden. I planned to go with a friend, but she had to cancel last minute because her mother passed away days beforehand. I asked my exH if he'd go with me, but he didn't want to. I tend to get lost a lot and got there super early to make sure I found it and also had to pick up my race packet. I remember walking around the downtown area in the dark by myself thinking how crappy it was that he couldn't even go with me for a morning. That's often how I felt in my marriage - alone and everything was on his terms if he felt like it.

 

This past weekend I ran the same race. My friend who was supposed to run it last year came up and we joined a bus load of 50 people in my current running group. It was a BLAST!

 

And meanwhile, before and after the race, my new boyfriend was calling me to wish me luck and see how everything was going That's right, I now have a wonderful boyfriend! It's still very new, just shy of 2 months, but WOW have I been knocked off my feet in every way thus far.

 

We have an unbelievable mental and physical connection and we hit it off immediately and neither of us were expecting such a thing! We're having a great time getting to know each other. We have established exclusivity already

 

He's fabulous at planning dates, we talk openly about everything, he is not afraid to pick up the phone and call me. We have SO much in common, everything from running, biking, staying fit, to nerdy science stuff and sci fi. I just met his closest friends this past weekend. He's told his mom about me. Wow.

 

I also found a new and better place to live and am moving in just over a month. It has all of the little things that my current place doesn't have, AND I'll get to have my dog there sometimes. So very excited about that!

 

I have been getting excited for this day so that I could update all of you, and let the new people see that things do turn around and get better, especially when you least expect it. Keep the faith and stay positive.

[littlejaz]

Wow, so glad to hear your story. It is nice to see someone come out the other side so happy. I am trying to get there, but i have no social life to build on. Actually I've never been very social. I started a new thread today but haven't gotten any responses yet. I found a website - meetup. I thought about starting a new group RADD-Rebuild after Divorce/Death to try to meet new people who understand what I am/have been going through and want to get out of the house. I'm not ready to start daring yet. What do you think?

[MsOptimist]

Wow, so glad to hear your story. It is nice to see someone come out the other side so happy. I am trying to get there, but i have no social life to build on. Actually I've never been very social. I started a new thread today but haven't gotten any responses yet. I found a website - meetup. I thought about starting a new group RADD-Rebuild after Divorce/Death to try to meet new people who understand what I am/have been going through and want to get out of the house. I'm not ready to start daring yet. What do you think?

 

You can start building your social life, it will help you with the healing process. That doesn't mean you have to be an extrovert - I'm actually very much an introvert, but I do enjoy making genuine connections with people, and as long as you're open making new friends, you can expand your social circles.

 

I just responded to your thread, and I think a meetup is a great idea. Try other meetups in your area too for anything you're interested in - even if it's something you've never tried but always wanted to. You will have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone during this healing process and embrace change.

[GuyInLimbo]

VERY VERY happy for you MsO!

[Saber_Tooth]

Congratulations, and thank you for such an inspirational post. Thank you for coming back to LS even when you are doing well. We need that here! Like many my world turned upside down less than 3 months ago and I am having a rough, rough time. People say we WILL get through it and find joy again, but this is still just a belief or a concept or a prayer, and not something I know if I believe. Your post is a ray of hope.

[MsOptimist]

Congratulations, and thank you for such an inspirational post. Thank you for coming back to LS even when you are doing well. We need that here! Like many my world turned upside down less than 3 months ago and I am having a rough, rough time. People say we WILL get through it and find joy again, but this is still just a belief or a concept or a prayer, and not something I know if I believe. Your post is a ray of hope.

 

People told me the same thing, that it would get better. I half-heartedly believed them but couldn't see a ray of light in the beginning weeks/months. My therapist told me that in a year's time I'd be in such a better place and I kept those words in the back of my mind, and he was right. In the very beginning I would tell myself and others that I was better off without him - I didn't fully believe that back then, but I kept repeating it until eventually I did start to believe it.

 

It will be huge when you realize that you can laugh and smile and be light-hearted about something. It always reminds me of the scene in the Sex and the City movie when Carrie is on her "honeymoon" with the girls after Big left her at the alter. She asks bleakly if she'll ever be able to laugh again, and I think Miranda says that yes, she'll laugh when something is really, really funny. And she does soon after over something totally ridiculous and you can see the weight lifted.

 

That is so true. I was volunteering in a friend's facility early on in my separation and it involved a lot of manual, dirty work - I'd end up covered in leaves and dirt and whatever else. I'd end up laughing at whatever weird thing my friends and I were doing, laughing so hard at something stupid and for a moment forget about the chaos that was my life. Sure, I'd go back to reality of the separation/divorce soon, but those moments of lightness and laughter grew more and more over the months, and the sadness and darkness lessened over time. The scales eventually tipped, and they'll tip when you don't even realize they're tipping sometimes.

[Shocked Suzie]

Big congratulations and a well done....great update! Gives me hope, getting there myself and feeling better each day.

 

Those little rays of hope and light do get brighter don't they xx

 

happy for you MsO

 

SS xx

Edited August 27, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Mystery2Me]

Congratulations MsO! Enjoy every single second, you have more than earned it.

 

I

[Steadfast]

...then, in the midst of all this gushing comes the voice of caution. =)

 

One year post d-day and six months final? MsO, most people are still trying to find their way after that short time. You know on average it takes two to three years after divorce for most to feel like 'themselves' again. Increased energy, a return of passions, and just an overall feeling of being better.

 

You and your BF are now exclusive? Tread carefully dear lady. LOTS of fish in the sea. Here's where I'll remind you to be smart, not forget everything you've learned about dependency and to anchor strength inside yourself.

 

You know I'm a fan of your story and admire your positive outlook. I know you'll live a successful life because you are determined to. I know it.

 

Just don't allow anyone to get in the way. OK?

[MsOptimist]

...then, in the midst of all this gushing comes the voice of caution. =)

 

One year post d-day and six months final? MsO, most people are still trying to find their way after that short time. You know on average it takes two to three years after divorce for most to feel like 'themselves' again. Increased energy, a return of passions, and just an overall feeling of being better.

 

You and your BF are now exclusive? Tread carefully dear lady. LOTS of fish in the sea. Here's where I'll remind you to be smart, not forget everything you've learned about dependency and to anchor strength inside yourself.

 

You know I'm a fan of your story and admire your positive outlook. I know you'll live a successful life because you are determined to. I know it.

 

Just don't allow anyone to get in the way. OK?

 

I know, I know

 

We do talk about this. He is 2 yrs post-divorce himself. Yes, we are exclusive already, but neither of us are the multi-dater types and since we'd both like to continue dating and see what happens, we both prefer to be monogamous while doing so.

 

While we do have a mad connection, I feel like we've been smart about not overdoing it thus far in terms of contact and letting things naturally progress. We started seeing each other once a week with minimal contact between mostly to confirm plans. We now see each other twice per week and do now talk daily, mostly over the phone with maybe a few texts during the day about something funny.

 

I say this to show that it hasn't been constant lusting and non-stop texting all day every day from day 1. So far it doesn't seem to the be leery "come on super strong right away" type of thing.

 

We both have busy lives and haven't sacrificed any of our friends/interests to hang out all the time. At the same time, though, we are both willing to incorporate each other into those parts of our lives, such as the day trip with his friends that he previously had planned and eventually asked me to join in.

 

We go on actual dates and don't just spend time at his place or mine.

 

I feel good about this so far, and I'm willing to see where it goes. I know I'll be fine if it doesn't end up working out

[Saber_Tooth]

Ms. O, you say you've dated a bit since your D and you seem so positive about it. Do you mind me asking, how have you gone about meeting people?

[MsOptimist]

Ms. O, you say you've dated a bit since your D and you seem so positive about it. Do you mind me asking, how have you gone about meeting people?

 

No, I don't mind sharing at all. After I separated I moved to a different city (although one I was familiar with since I've worked here for quite awhile), and I was looking for opportunities to make new friends and expand my social circles - whether I found a boyfriend or not.

 

It's been noted in one of my previous threads that I semi-dated a friend of mine for a couple of months, so that was quite "convenient" in the sense that I knew him for years beforehand. We are still friends today and he is happy about my new relationship.

 

I am an avid runner and the city that I moved to has a very large running community. I run with several groups and have found that to be one of the best ways to meet new people. I have not met anyone that I went on a date with there - most of the men tend to have wives/girlfriends, but the potential to meet someone with a common interest there seems high. I have been approached by married men in that community, in a very sly way, and I made it clear that I was not interested.

 

I have been to a few Meetups for outdoorsy interest groups. Not to meet a potential boyfriend, mostly for new friendships. But I quickly felt bombarded by men that I wasn't interested in. They all wanted to give me their business cards and phone numbers and I wasn't feeling the vibe there.

 

One of my first dates was from a cold approach while I was shopping at Target A handsome man approached me, he seemed nice, and he gave me his number in case I was interested in having coffee or tea sometime. We had a nice coffee date after having several phone conversations, but I wasn't feeling it and told him so.

 

I actually met my current boyfriend through online dating. That was something that I was very hesitant to do for many reasons. Initially I never felt like it was something I would enjoy so I stayed away from it. Then one night after a couple glasses of wine I got curious and figured why not.

 

After 10 minutes of having a profile up and doing a couple searches I was ready to take it down - I wasn't impressed with the quality of people (or at least how they portrayed themselves). Until I saw my boyfriend's profile, saw how much we had in common, and I sent him a message. He was the only person I messaged and the only person that I thought, "WOW, I want to talk to this person." Within a day we were talking on the phone and setting up a date. We hit it off immediately and he has been the perfect gentleman since day 1. Neither of us expected anything to materialize from it, but the sparks are very much there and we are very pleasantly surprised.

 

I met one other person from online dating, and he was a perfectly nice and handsome man, but the chemistry wasn't there for me so I declined a 2nd date.

 

There are many ways to meet new people. Even if you are not ready to date yet, you can try things to make new friendships. You'll know when you are ready to try to date.

Edited September 3, 2013 by MsOptimist

[revitup]

........................................................... Great for you!MsO

 

That's it just

 

REVITUP

[littlejaz]

Thank you so much for posting this. You are giving the rest of us hope. Very happy to hear things are going well for you.

[JJLA]

That is wonderful news. I'm glad to hear that things are falling into place for you!

[Babolat]

Today marks one year to the day when the bomb was dropped on me, and wow I can honestly say that I am in such a better place in life all around. It feels good to know that I have been through all of the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and made it through alive.

 

Here are my original threads in case anyone wants more backstory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/347706-moving-out-divorcing

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/366283-still-surviving-trudging-through

 

The short version is that my exH blindsided me in search of greener grass. It was cold, harsh, swift, and my world turned upside down instantly. He tried to reconcile a few times, but the more I was away from him and the situation, the more I realized that I am better off without him and that we are just not a good match for each other. Deep down I knew that all along but initially was willing to fight to make it work - I never realized, until we were apart, how much that struggle to make it work drained me.

 

The divorce has been finalized for almost 6 months now and I have been living in my new place for almost 11 months. My life is so very different in so many ways and it's getting better. Absolutely I've had my low points - LOTS of them - but I am learning to take them in stride and stay confident that everything swings back up in due time. I've learned to not sweat the small stuff and also to not take for granted the little pleasures in life.

 

My social circles have expanded so much since the separation and divorce and I've made so many great new friends and strengthened relationships with old friends. I haven't had this much of a social life probably since college!

 

I'm staying very active and doing the things I like to do - run, bike, explore.

 

Last year I ran a race just 2 days before the bomb was dropped. It's a large race, but in a city known to be crime ridden. I planned to go with a friend, but she had to cancel last minute because her mother passed away days beforehand. I asked my exH if he'd go with me, but he didn't want to. I tend to get lost a lot and got there super early to make sure I found it and also had to pick up my race packet. I remember walking around the downtown area in the dark by myself thinking how crappy it was that he couldn't even go with me for a morning. That's often how I felt in my marriage - alone and everything was on his terms if he felt like it.

 

This past weekend I ran the same race. My friend who was supposed to run it last year came up and we joined a bus load of 50 people in my current running group. It was a BLAST!

 

And meanwhile, before and after the race, my new boyfriend was calling me to wish me luck and see how everything was going That's right, I now have a wonderful boyfriend! It's still very new, just shy of 2 months, but WOW have I been knocked off my feet in every way thus far.

 

We have an unbelievable mental and physical connection and we hit it off immediately and neither of us were expecting such a thing! We're having a great time getting to know each other. We have established exclusivity already

 

He's fabulous at planning dates, we talk openly about everything, he is not afraid to pick up the phone and call me. We have SO much in common, everything from running, biking, staying fit, to nerdy science stuff and sci fi. I just met his closest friends this past weekend. He's told his mom about me. Wow.

 

I also found a new and better place to live and am moving in just over a month. It has all of the little things that my current place doesn't have, AND I'll get to have my dog there sometimes. So very excited about that!

 

I have been getting excited for this day so that I could update all of you, and let the new people see that things do turn around and get better, especially when you least expect it. Keep the faith and stay positive.

 

Good for you! Your story is very similar to mine...things DO happen for a reason..sometimes we just don't know it or we fight it.

[Babolat]

No, I don't mind sharing at all. After I separated I moved to a different city (although one I was familiar with since I've worked here for quite awhile), and I was looking for opportunities to make new friends and expand my social circles - whether I found a boyfriend or not.

 

It's been noted in one of my previous threads that I semi-dated a friend of mine for a couple of months, so that was quite "convenient" in the sense that I knew him for years beforehand. We are still friends today and he is happy about my new relationship.

 

I am an avid runner and the city that I moved to has a very large running community. I run with several groups and have found that to be one of the best ways to meet new people. I have not met anyone that I went on a date with there - most of the men tend to have wives/girlfriends, but the potential to meet someone with a common interest there seems high. I have been approached by married men in that community, in a very sly way, and I made it clear that I was not interested.

 

I have been to a few Meetups for outdoorsy interest groups. Not to meet a potential boyfriend, mostly for new friendships. But I quickly felt bombarded by men that I wasn't interested in. They all wanted to give me their business cards and phone numbers and I wasn't feeling the vibe there.

 

One of my first dates was from a cold approach while I was shopping at Target A handsome man approached me, he seemed nice, and he gave me his number in case I was interested in having coffee or tea sometime. We had a nice coffee date after having several phone conversations, but I wasn't feeling it and told him so.

 

I actually met my current boyfriend through online dating. That was something that I was very hesitant to do for many reasons. Initially I never felt like it was something I would enjoy so I stayed away from it. Then one night after a couple glasses of wine I got curious and figured why not.

 

After 10 minutes of having a profile up and doing a couple searches I was ready to take it down - I wasn't impressed with the quality of people (or at least how they portrayed themselves). Until I saw my boyfriend's profile, saw how much we had in common, and I sent him a message. He was the only person I messaged and the only person that I thought, "WOW, I want to talk to this person." Within a day we were talking on the phone and setting up a date. We hit it off immediately and he has been the perfect gentleman since day 1. Neither of us expected anything to materialize from it, but the sparks are very much there and we are very pleasantly surprised.

 

I met one other person from online dating, and he was a perfectly nice and handsome man, but the chemistry wasn't there for me so I declined a 2nd date.

 

There are many ways to meet new people. Even if you are not ready to date yet, you can try things to make new friendships. You'll know when you are ready to try to date.

 

+1 to MeetUps...stay away from the social dinner drinking ones, unless that is your thing.

 

+1 for increasing your social circles too, and, taking care of YOU first.

 

+1 for doing the things YOU like to do as you will most likely attract the right peoiple doing so.

[secondfailure]

Out of al the post I have read besides the 180s and no contact, this has made my body gain a sense of stability. I see it took you almost a year to go through this... How long was it before you actaully went dating? everyone tells me I need ot heal first. My heart seems like it will never come ack togther becasue it hurts so bad right now. Although it has only been three weeks..

[MsOptimist]

Out of al the post I have read besides the 180s and no contact, this has made my body gain a sense of stability. I see it took you almost a year to go through this... How long was it before you actaully went dating? everyone tells me I need ot heal first. My heart seems like it will never come ack togther becasue it hurts so bad right now. Although it has only been three weeks..

 

I haven't read your story yet, but I'll try to find it next. I am so very sorry to hear that you're hurting and only 3 weeks in. The early days are the most difficult, but trust that things get better with time. It probably feels like everyone says that to you, and it's hard to believe from where you're standing, but the people that told that to me were very right.

 

My advice to you is to feel the emotions as they come - cry when you need to, vent to whomever will listen, take yourself out for a double latte when you feel like you need something comforting, and stay active and burn some stress off through exercise.

 

Literally "fake it til you make it." Repeat to yourself that you'll come out of this a stronger and better person and that you WILL be able to laugh and enjoy life again. It'll be a rollercoaster for awhile, just be aware of that.

 

Don't even worry about dating right now, just take care of yourself. I know that the lonliness is tough and real, but seek out friends and family to help you through.

 

Once the fog of the worst stuff starts lifting, you'll know when you're ready to begin to think about dating and enjoying someone's company as more than friendship.

 

I briefly dated a friend fairly early on, just a few months out from my separation, but everyone is different. I had already begun grieving the loss of my exH forever with no intentions of wanting him back ever again. I had known the friend for several years, we share a common passion, we started spending more time together and admitted we had been attracted to each other for a long time. Was it a rebound? Probably. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. It opened my eyes and heart again after feeling like I couldn't feel that way about someone ever again. It was short-lived but wonderful. It showed me that there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

 

When that ended it was a few months before I began thinking about dating. Just not concentrating on it at all and if anything happened where I felt a connection, great. If not, oh well.

 

Hang in there.

[secondfailure]

I haven't read your story yet, but I'll try to find it next. I am so very sorry to hear that you're hurting and only 3 weeks in. The early days are the most difficult, but trust that things get better with time. It probably feels like everyone says that to you, and it's hard to believe from where you're standing, but the people that told that to me were very right.

 

My advice to you is to feel the emotions as they come - cry when you need to, vent to whomever will listen, take yourself out for a double latte when you feel like you need something comforting, and stay active and burn some stress off through exercise.

 

Literally "fake it til you make it." Repeat to yourself that you'll come out of this a stronger and better person and that you WILL be able to laugh and enjoy life again. It'll be a rollercoaster for awhile, just be aware of that.

 

Don't even worry about dating right now, just take care of yourself. I know that the lonliness is tough and real, but seek out friends and family to help you through.

 

Once the fog of the worst stuff starts lifting, you'll know when you're ready to begin to think about dating and enjoying someone's company as more than friendship.

 

I briefly dated a friend fairly early on, just a few months out from my separation, but everyone is different. I had already begun grieving the loss of my exH forever with no intentions of wanting him back ever again. I had known the friend for several years, we share a common passion, we started spending more time together and admitted we had been attracted to each other for a long time. Was it a rebound? Probably. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. It opened my eyes and heart again after feeling like I couldn't feel that way about someone ever again. It was short-lived but wonderful. It showed me that there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

 

When that ended it was a few months before I began thinking about dating. Just not concentrating on it at all and if anything happened where I felt a connection, great. If not, oh well.

 

Hang in there.

 

Here is my story...

This is long so please read and respond accordingly. My wife of 3 years has left and now I sit here and write to you with eyes full of tears and a broken heart. I love her, and miss her very much. I did no cheat (not that makes a difference) I was a horrible husband for so long. I finally sought help and made drastic changes. she asked should she stay and I said no becasue she said she did not feel safe around me. The reality is she just didn't want to be with me anymore and deal with my temper and loud outburst. I wanted her to be my partner instead of me having to do all of the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, disciplinng the kids. It became too much for me and I lashed out.. After 5 years to hear someone say they don't love you anymore is like a knife in your heart that wont quit its piercing pain. I have no ill will towards her, and understand how she feels. I had no idea how hard it wold be to blend a family. Step-kids are so hard to raise. I didnt take the time to get to know them. I made them do things my way and no other way.

However my pain stems from my abusive behavior. Who was I to think I could take advantage of a beautifl loving women, and act as if she didn't matter. My wife gave her hand to me in marriage, and trusted me to treat her in a way she deserved, and I behaved horribly, it crushed her spirit. I don't know how to forgive my self, I've been trying for weeks can't seem to.

I have been seeing a wonderful therapist who has helped, but she or no one else can remove the pain of the past and present.

Waking up in the middle of the night realizing your all alone, then breaking out in a cold sweat is such a trauamatic thing to go through.

I hope others can learn from my mistakes, and make the necessary change immediatley, if you truly love someone.pain runs deep, and the mistakes of the past can be your worst enemy. I keep thinking "what if" I had behaved as a husbund should have. I had a great thing and blew it. It's hard right now to find love to give to myself. I'm alone for now its just debilitating.

I know I'm a good man, and I deserve to be loved and have so much more to give in return. The pain is so overwhelming. I have to stop now, going into hysteric mode for a while.

It pains me to know how much I hurt someone, I am not the same person I used to be, thanks to therapy and a great willingness to change, and my wife knows it, but she is not willing to take a chance of being hurt again. I love my wife so much, and the realization that she can't trust or love me is heartbreaking. My wife married me and trusted me to take care of her, and instead I was passive agressive, harsh, and menatlly cruel. What gives anyone the right to treat another person that way. I've asked God and my wife for forgiveness, and believe I have been, however not being trusted puts your life in a whole other world, and for that I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The Bible makes it clear " we reap what we sow, sow with a view to the flesh and we reap corruption sow with a view to the spirit and we reap love' ( something like that} I am trying to cope but it is difficult without my loved ones here. You go to bed with it on yur mind , get some sleep with the use of some good meds from my doc, then you have to wake up with the realization of whats happened, and it hangs on like a bad coat. Please tell me how I can forgive myself and learn to move forward. I know she had some fault in this but I cant help but think all of it is my fault.. She said I turned her into a cold women.. Plesase help me undertand all of this..

 

 

***And to your point, I went out with a friend who I have known for years and we were intimate... Then I felt guily.. She said she had some reservations too so I know it was time to learn to love myself and heal my heart...

[Babolat]

I haven't read your story yet, but I'll try to find it next. I am so very sorry to hear that you're hurting and only 3 weeks in. The early days are the most difficult, but trust that things get better with time. It probably feels like everyone says that to you, and it's hard to believe from where you're standing, but the people that told that to me were very right.

 

My advice to you is to feel the emotions as they come - cry when you need to, vent to whomever will listen, take yourself out for a double latte when you feel like you need something comforting, and stay active and burn some stress off through exercise.

 

Literally "fake it til you make it." Repeat to yourself that you'll come out of this a stronger and better person and that you WILL be able to laugh and enjoy life again. It'll be a rollercoaster for awhile, just be aware of that.

 

Don't even worry about dating right now, just take care of yourself. I know that the lonliness is tough and real, but seek out friends and family to help you through.

 

Once the fog of the worst stuff starts lifting, you'll know when you're ready to begin to think about dating and enjoying someone's company as more than friendship.

 

I briefly dated a friend fairly early on, just a few months out from my separation, but everyone is different. I had already begun grieving the loss of my exH forever with no intentions of wanting him back ever again. I had known the friend for several years, we share a common passion, we started spending more time together and admitted we had been attracted to each other for a long time. Was it a rebound? Probably. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. It opened my eyes and heart again after feeling like I couldn't feel that way about someone ever again. It was short-lived but wonderful. It showed me that there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

 

When that ended it was a few months before I began thinking about dating. Just not concentrating on it at all and if anything happened where I felt a connection, great. If not, oh well.

 

Hang in there.

 

Again, very similar to my story.

 

9 year marriage, 4 months post seperation I started dating a woman, dated for 4 months, and yeah, looking back, she ws a rebound. No regrets for me either. I very honest and up front with her about "where I was".

 

Almost 1 year to the exact date of me moving out of the house, I met a woman on Match.com that I ended up dating for 12 months, almost to the exact day again, strange.

 

I ended that relationship 6 months ago (see some of my threads on h ere, lots of ex sex), no dating since, been working on friendships with woman since, have made a female best friend who I spend almost every weekend with, and life is pretty good right now.

 

Like the OP, I would love to find that right person, but I am being patient. I am learning a lot about myself along the way and learning what kind of woman I am truly compatible with.

[MsOptimist]

Secondfailure, be kind to yourself. I do believe that my exH harbors many of the same feelings that you do.

 

Marriage takes both people to fail or succeed, so there is blame on both sides. Just like I had to own up to my part in the marriage falling apart even though I wasn't the one who up and left.

 

Keep working with your therapist and learn how to not focus on the things that you cannot change (ie, the past and your wife's actions and reactions). You can only change yourself and how you act and react and move forward.

 

You can use what you learn through this to eventually develop a healthier relationship in the future, but first you must do a lot of self reflection and indeed heal yourself.

[Babolat]

Here is my story...

This is long so please read and respond accordingly. My wife of 3 years has left and now I sit here and write to you with eyes full of tears and a broken heart. I love her, and miss her very much. I did no cheat (not that makes a difference) I was a horrible husband for so long. I finally sought help and made drastic changes. she asked should she stay and I said no becasue she said she did not feel safe around me. The reality is she just didn't want to be with me anymore and deal with my temper and loud outburst. I wanted her to be my partner instead of me having to do all of the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, disciplinng the kids. It became too much for me and I lashed out.. After 5 years to hear someone say they don't love you anymore is like a knife in your heart that wont quit its piercing pain. I have no ill will towards her, and understand how she feels. I had no idea how hard it wold be to blend a family. Step-kids are so hard to raise. I didnt take the time to get to know them. I made them do things my way and no other way.

However my pain stems from my abusive behavior. Who was I to think I could take advantage of a beautifl loving women, and act as if she didn't matter. My wife gave her hand to me in marriage, and trusted me to treat her in a way she deserved, and I behaved horribly, it crushed her spirit. I don't know how to forgive my self, I've been trying for weeks can't seem to.

I have been seeing a wonderful therapist who has helped, but she or no one else can remove the pain of the past and present.

Waking up in the middle of the night realizing your all alone, then breaking out in a cold sweat is such a trauamatic thing to go through.

I hope others can learn from my mistakes, and make the necessary change immediatley, if you truly love someone.pain runs deep, and the mistakes of the past can be your worst enemy. I keep thinking "what if" I had behaved as a husbund should have. I had a great thing and blew it. It's hard right now to find love to give to myself. I'm alone for now its just debilitating.

I know I'm a good man, and I deserve to be loved and have so much more to give in return. The pain is so overwhelming. I have to stop now, going into hysteric mode for a while.

It pains me to know how much I hurt someone, I am not the same person I used to be, thanks to therapy and a great willingness to change, and my wife knows it, but she is not willing to take a chance of being hurt again. I love my wife so much, and the realization that she can't trust or love me is heartbreaking. My wife married me and trusted me to take care of her, and instead I was passive agressive, harsh, and menatlly cruel. What gives anyone the right to treat another person that way. I've asked God and my wife for forgiveness, and believe I have been, however not being trusted puts your life in a whole other world, and for that I am having a hard time forgiving myself. The Bible makes it clear " we reap what we sow, sow with a view to the flesh and we reap corruption sow with a view to the spirit and we reap love' ( something like that} I am trying to cope but it is difficult without my loved ones here. You go to bed with it on yur mind , get some sleep with the use of some good meds from my doc, then you have to wake up with the realization of whats happened, and it hangs on like a bad coat. Please tell me how I can forgive myself and learn to move forward. I know she had some fault in this but I cant help but think all of it is my fault.. She said I turned her into a cold women.. Plesase help me undertand all of this..

 

 

***And to your point, I went out with a friend who I have known for years and we were intimate... Then I felt guily.. She said she had some reservations too so I know it was time to learn to love myself and heal my heart...

 

Trust me when I say I feel your pain, without going into too much detail here (You are welcome to PM me).

 

I too beat myself up for the longest time when my marriage ended. Like you I had panic attacks, depression, asking "what if" all the time.

 

I don't know when it happened, but, I finally realized the marriage had to end, and, I will be a better person because of it. Things happen for a reason...as bad as you feel, as much as you feel you were the cause, it happened for a reason.

 

My friends starterd to share their observation of the marriage with me, what they thought of her, us, and I started to see things a little differently.

 

What's strange,and cool, is someone recently asked me how she was by her name, "How is Sally doing?" (her name is not Sally) and I said "Sally who?". I honestly had forgotten her, and did not even recognize who they were asking about.

 

Hang in there man, read about the 5 steps of grieving as you will be going thru them all.

 

Always here to help if you need it!

[MsOptimist]

Again, very similar to my story.

 

9 year marriage, 4 months post seperation I started dating a woman, dated for 4 months, and yeah, looking back, she ws a rebound. No regrets for me either. I very honest and up front with her about "where I was".

 

Almost 1 year to the exact date of me moving out of the house, I met a woman on Match.com that I ended up dating for 12 months, almost to the exact day again, strange.

 

I ended that relationship 6 months ago (see some of my threads on h ere, lots of ex sex), no dating since, been working on friendships with woman since, have made a female best friend who I spend almost every weekend with, and life is pretty good right now.

 

Like the OP, I would love to find that right person, but I am being patient. I am learning a lot about myself along the way and learning what kind of woman I am truly compatible with.

 

Very similar indeed! Being patient when it comes to dating and finding compatibility is a good thing - I have learned to not settle for less than I deserve any longer. I was prepared to be single for quite awhile!

[secondfailure]

I haven't read your story yet, but I'll try to find it next. I am so very sorry to hear that you're hurting and only 3 weeks in. The early days are the most difficult, but trust that things get better with time. It probably feels like everyone says that to you, and it's hard to believe from where you're standing, but the people that told that to me were very right.

 

My advice to you is to feel the emotions as they come - cry when you need to, vent to whomever will listen, take yourself out for a double latte when you feel like you need something comforting, and stay active and burn some stress off through exercise.

 

Literally "fake it til you make it." Repeat to yourself that you'll come out of this a stronger and better person and that you WILL be able to laugh and enjoy life again. It'll be a rollercoaster for awhile, just be aware of that.

 

Don't even worry about dating right now, just take care of yourself. I know that the lonliness is tough and real, but seek out friends and family to help you through.

 

Once the fog of the worst stuff starts lifting, you'll know when you're ready to begin to think about dating and enjoying someone's company as more than friendship.

 

I briefly dated a friend fairly early on, just a few months out from my separation, but everyone is different. I had already begun grieving the loss of my exH forever with no intentions of wanting him back ever again. I had known the friend for several years, we share a common passion, we started spending more time together and admitted we had been attracted to each other for a long time. Was it a rebound? Probably. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. It opened my eyes and heart again after feeling like I couldn't feel that way about someone ever again. It was short-lived but wonderful. It showed me that there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

 

When that ended it was a few months before I began thinking about dating. Just not concentrating on it at all and if anything happened where I felt a connection, great. If not, oh well.

 

Hang in there.

 

Trust me when I say I feel your pain, without going into too much detail here (You are welcome to PM me).

 

I too beat myself up for the longest time when my marriage ended. Like you I had panic attacks, depression, asking "what if" all the time.

 

I don't know when it happened, but, I finally realized the marriage had to end, and, I will be a better person because of it. Things happen for a reason...as bad as you feel, as much as you feel you were the cause, it happened for a reason.

 

My friends starterd to share their observation of the marriage with me, what they thought of her, us, and I started to see things a little differently.

 

What's strange,and cool, is someone recently asked me how she was by her name, "How is Sally doing?" (her name is not Sally) and I said "Sally who?". I honestly had forgotten her, and did not even recognize who they were asking about.

 

Hang in there man, read about the 5 steps of grieving as you will be going thru them all.

 

Always here to help if you need it!

 

What's funny is all of our frineds have said in diffrerent ways ways that I had to deal with alot of things being married to her. She was spoiled, my mother-in-law was always meddling (she (mother-in-law) even told me the plan was for all of us to live in the same house). So I cant help but wonder if some of the things she did were on purpose.... I could only disciplone the kids to a certain extent... I just need help trying to figure out how to stop beating myself up and thiking all of this is my fault.. Could I have said or done something diffrent. She is not thinking about me so why am I constantly thinking about her??? ugh...