One year later

[Babolat]

I took a quick look at your original post, and the animals jumped out at me.

 

We had 2 small dogs. I moved out initially, stayed in a hotel, then with a family member. She could not afford to stay in the house so I moved back in and took care of the pups. We used a mediator, very amicable, to write up the settlement agreement, and left the pups "up to us" in the settlement.

 

She finally got her own place, contaced me about having movers come get her stuf, we agreed to a date. I got out of the house for the day, and of course left the pups there.

 

Well, she took them! It broke my heart. The settlement agreement had been sent to the courts, but not approved yet. I talked to an attorney about what I could do and he said a judge will just flip a coin. I intially filed with the courts for a hearing, to get them back, but I later retracted.

 

I ended up getting a cat, and life is OK now. That was probably the meanest thing she did to me but I let it go, mostly in the interest of the pups and to avoid more contact with her.

 

secondchance, as time passes i think you are going to start to see things differently, start to remember things differently. Start to see her differently. I did. I started to realize why I was so unhappy in my marriage, even though I denied this while married.

[secondfailure]

How do you PM on this site???

[Babolat]

What's funny is all of our frineds have said in diffrerent ways ways that I had to deal with alot of things being married to her. She was spoiled, my mother-in-law was always meddling (she (mother-in-law) even told me the plan was for all of us to live in the same house). So I cant help but wonder if some of the things she did were on purpose.... I could only disciplone the kids to a certain extent... I just need help trying to figure out how to stop beating myself up and thiking all of this is my fault.. Could I have said or done something diffrent. She is not thinking about me so why am I constantly thinking about her??? ugh...

 

What I am hearing is you had issues with her, you probably overlooked them, it's the way you responded to those issues (yelling, blowing up) that you need to work on. I would not think about "what if" with her. Something about her "got to you, bothered you"; you will start to see this as time passes.

 

My guess is even if you were the perfect husband, even if you managed your anger/temper better, the marriage was still going to end. You were not happy.

[Babolat]

How do you PM on this site???

 

Click on the users name and select "Send a private essage to ..."

 

I will add you as a contact so you can.

[secondfailure]

It does not give me that option. It only gives me:

 

View profile, find all post and add as contact

[Babolat]

It does not give me that option. It only gives me:

 

View profile, find all post and add as contact

 

Ask the good folks at LS for some help:

 

LoveShack.org Questions and Comments - LoveShack.org Community Forums

[Babolat]

How do you PM on this site???

 

Yeah, I can't send you one either...maybe there is some kind of restriction, like length of membership, # of posts, etc. before you can PM?

 

I would post my email but then all the elderly ladies here would be hitting me up (inside joke).

[secondfailure]

LOL. I dont mind giving mine. its not like anyone would email me..

[MsOptimist]

You have to have 50 posts before you can private message here.

 

A few updates since I started this thread:

 

- I'm packing for my move next week and inevitably came across several things from my past - pictures, cards, divorce papers, etc. Most things I had thrown in a box and tucked away last year.

 

I still haven't thrown them away, but consolidated the box. I did get a little nostalgic looking through things, but not overly. That chapter is firmly closed. I'm a very sentimental person though and have a hard time getting rid of things like that. It all fits neatly in a box, and it is a significant chapter in my life. Still not quite ready to toss and burn that box, but ready to put the lid on and pack it away on another shelf.

 

- Things with the new bf are still going amazingly well. We have another "epic" date planned this weekend, as well call them. Every date we have is just awesome and we have so much fun.

 

I'm very much looking forward to our plans both this weekend and in the months to come. We are in love, we've already approached those kind of discussions and are very much on the same page about how we're feeling.

 

Life is good and I'm excited for the future

[Mystery2Me]

Wonderful to know you are enjoying yourself! Cheers to many more epic days across the board.

[Babolat]

You have to have 50 posts before you can private message here.

 

A few updates since I started this thread:

 

- I'm packing for my move next week and inevitably came across several things from my past - pictures, cards, divorce papers, etc. Most things I had thrown in a box and tucked away last year.

 

I still haven't thrown them away, but consolidated the box. I did get a little nostalgic looking through things, but not overly. That chapter is firmly closed. I'm a very sentimental person though and have a hard time getting rid of things like that. It all fits neatly in a box, and it is a significant chapter in my life. Still not quite ready to toss and burn that box, but ready to put the lid on and pack it away on another shelf.

 

- Things with the new bf are still going amazingly well. We have another "epic" date planned this weekend, as well call them. Every date we have is just awesome and we have so much fun.

 

I'm very much looking forward to our plans both this weekend and in the months to come. We are in love, we've already approached those kind of discussions and are very much on the same page about how we're feeling.

 

Life is good and I'm excited for the future

 

When I moved back into the house, 3+ months post seperation, I did a mass cleaning of everything of hers and got rid of it. Goodwill was very happy!

 

I also got rid of things "we" shared that reminded me of her. I had to live in the house for 2-3 months with all of her furniture, boxes, clothes, etc until she found a permanent place to live (BTW, during the whole "I can't afford to stay in the house, I discovered she was in the process of buying a house of equal value, with the cash she was going to get from the settlement agreement..she was trying to play "poor me" with me) . I moved as much as I could to a spare bedroom and closed the door.

 

It was a good cleansing for me and I am glad I did it.

 

The 12 month post divorce relationship, I am starting to do that now, and it's not as easy as everything was amicable with us. I still have some cards, little notes she would leave me, small gifts and such. It feels like I should trash this stuff...

[MsOptimist]

When I moved back into the house, 3+ months post seperation, I did a mass cleaning of everything of hers and got rid of it. Goodwill was very happy!

 

I also got rid of things "we" shared that reminded me of her. I had to live in the house for 2-3 months with all of her furniture, boxes, clothes, etc until she found a permanent place to live (BTW, during the whole "I can't afford to stay in the house, I discovered she was in the process of buying a house of equal value, with the cash she was going to get from the settlement agreement..she was trying to play "poor me" with me) . I moved as much as I could to a spare bedroom and closed the door.

 

It was a good cleansing for me and I am glad I did it.

 

The 12 month post divorce relationship, I am starting to do that now, and it's not as easy as everything was amicable with us. I still have some cards, little notes she would leave me, small gifts and such. It feels like I should trash this stuff...

 

I even pulled out some photos of myself and my dog from my honeymoon that I liked and put them on my fridge. She was just a puppy then and I can look at those and not get all sad because they're from the honeymoon. I did look through some early photos of myself and think, "how young and naive you were!!"

 

Even though I moved out, the first couple of months were hard because I had to take so much furniture with me. I couldn't afford to buy all new stuff, so for awhile I felt like I was looking at remnants of my old life.

 

Slowly I stopped associating those inanimate objects with all of the sadness, or at least I moved into the indifference about it all. It's just stuff and it serves a purpose and function in my life until I can afford to replace it.

 

It's strange packing up my stuff and packing up this place. Last year at this time everything was so sad and somber, and it doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by in my current place.

 

I remember when I got the keys. I felt very sad and I stood in it all empty and cold and I thought, "So this is what it's like after divorce."

 

Now I am happily packing up my stuff, excited about my new place and new life adventures, and I look around my current place and think, "So THIS is what life is like after divorce - onto bigger and better things!"

[MsOptimist]

Hello LSers! Thought you guys could enjoy a laugh with this odd twist with my exH:

 

We've been sharing our dog and that is going just fine and dandy. Text to communicate about dates/times of exchanges, we meet halfway in between to exchange, all is good. No issues there and I'm greatly enjoying the time with my dog and she gets a nice change in her usual routine and seems very settled in with me.

 

About a month ago, a friend of mine asks if I have a brother named x. This is a friend I've known for about a year and met after I moved post-separation. I see her regularly, and although we aren't super close friends, I do consider her a friend and we chat both online and when we see each other in person. We also live very close to each other.

 

I inform this friend that x is not a brother, he's my exH. They met through online dating. Oy vey. We both felt a little odd by this revelation, and I simply said that as a friend I felt I should warn her about being cautious.

 

She knows the arc of my story. She knows I was hurt very badly and that I can never trust him again. I left her saying that I would not bad-mouth him to her because we do still communicate in order to share the dog, and I have happily moved on and they are both adults and can date whomever they choose. I would just hate to see a friend get hurt if history repeats itself.

 

Apparently they are going forward with this. I am trying to stay uninvolved, but I do sometimes get "updates" in my social media due to having her as a friend on there.

 

I saw her yesterday for the first time since the revelation. She visibly looked uncomfortable when she walked in and saw me. She was trying to not make eye contact but it was awkward because there weren't many other people around.

 

So I chose to break the silence and simply talk about an event that she has coming up (both she and my exH are doing this event). I didn't mention him at all, I just carried on with what I would normally talk to her about. I was subtly trying to convey that I won't be the source of any awkwardness.

 

I figure that this is a good lesson for myself in that it truly is a good exercise to not dwell on what I cannot control. I can't control what others do or think, even if I think they are making stupid decisions

[trippi1432]

Ick.....I guess that would seem a bit awkward at first but bound to happen especially if in a small town. I'm surprised something similar hasn't happened with my ex BF of a year ago as we travel in the same social circle; however, I'm sure it will happen soon.

 

You do bring up a very good point, you know that you are moving forward when it doesn't bother you, and why should it bother you? You are correct that you have no control over what others do or who they decide to have a relationship with.

 

So Kudos!! to you Mrs. O for taking the higher road. Sometimes people have to learn their lessons on their own, I prefer to sit on the sidelines and just watch on those occasions.

[MsOptimist]

I don't live in a small town! He does, but I moved almost an hour away. We do have similar interest groups and I can see how that would be appealing to them.

 

It doesn't bother me that he's dating, I had to be ok with that long ago and understand it's normal especially now that we are no longer legally tied. It does bother me based on what I know about her history. As a friend I see potential for her to get very hurt. But I know that there's nothing I can do about that.

 

I am also curious about it overall. Not overly, but curious to see if it'll work. I was curious when he was dating the daughter of a mutual friend of ours too. He's gotten aroun quite a bit since separation and divorce and nothing has worked out so he must have broadened his search radius.

 

I am trying to take the high road. It will be interesting now to see if any of our (mine and hers) mutual friends have to say anything about this. It's now coming to light via social media from the event yesterday. She's been single for a long time and wanting a boyfriend for a long time, and most of our mutual friends know my story. Once the pieces get put together I know I'd be leery if I were in her shoes.

 

But as you said, trippi, some people have to learn things on their own and for themselves. And who knows, maybe my ex is changing his ways. I do want him to be happy overall. Even though our situation ended in such a mess our divorcing was for the best.

 

My boyfriend came over last night and resoundingly reaffirmed that what I had in my marriage is not ever what I want again. I am being whole heartedly loved and respected on levels I have never experienced. I've finally learned to not settle for less than what I deserve.

[Misadventure]

MsO I so heart you on so many levels. Classy all around!

 

I don't know how you can even stay social with her. It would make me too uncomfortable personally, especially if she knew the things he did.

 

Yeah, let her learn... so at the end you will be thinking (yep told ya so lol). Too bad she has to learn on her own...weird to see her stuff on FB though..maybe take her off your feed if it gets too involved.

[MsOptimist]

MsO I so heart you on so many levels. Classy all around!

 

I don't know how you can even stay social with her. It would make me too uncomfortable personally, especially if she knew the things he did.

 

Yeah, let her learn... so at the end you will be thinking (yep told ya so lol). Too bad she has to learn on her own...weird to see her stuff on FB though..maybe take her off your feed if it gets too involved.

 

Well I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to stay social with her - this has made me question how much she's a friend to me. But I will see her often in the future so I don't want there to be a "scene" ever - I'm just not a dramatic person at all.

 

I don't think she's a bad person, and she didn't knowingly seek him out, but she's vulnerable and I just have a feeling she'll be sucked in and eaten alive much like I was.

 

Yeah I've hidden her from my newsfeed this morning now that she and my former mother in law have become "friends" today. I still talk to his whole family and am making plans to see her (former MIL) over Thanksgiving weekend. They have been extremely good to me we've actually gotten closer post-separation.

 

His family knows I am dating someone and they're genuinely happy for me that I'm in a good place overall. I'm exchanging my dog with the ex tomorrow and may just say, "Hey do we need to clear the air at all about you dating my friend."

 

I spoke to a mutual friend about it and she said that my ex is a little worried that she and I are friends. Probably worried what I've told her! Said mutual friend thinks I should clear the air so that it's not a giant elephant in the room when I see him or her. I just don't want to give it more attention than it deserves.