I'm having and affair, think I need a divorce, but fear and guilt keep me from acting

[Wayne696]

I've been involved in what I would call a 'passionless marriage' for quite some time - many years. As a result of that I've looked elsewhere to to find what's been missing in my life. I'm currently involved in an affair with a married woman (see my post in the OM/OW forum), and it's from discussing that situation that I realize I really just need to call it quits in my marriage.

 

But the whole idea of it REALLY SCARES ME, and I feel guilty about what it will do to my wife and family.

 

I don't want to look back years from now, wishing that I'd had the courage to move on years ago, feeling like I wasted my life when I could have had so much more.

 

But at the same time she's been a part of my life for so long that not having her in my life is scary, too.

 

I don't hate my wife, we actually get along quite well, but more like close friends. I didn't marry her because I felt she was the love of my life and I couldn't live without her. It was more of meeting her ultimatum to get married or move on. And I want to be married to someone because I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

 

For those of you that have gone through it, how did you deal with the fear and or guilt?

 

How did you finally get the courage to do it? What did you do leading up to it?

 

Thoughts and advice are greatly appreciated!

[GuyInLimbo]

First off, you need to call of your other relationship right now. No matter what, you won't end up in a good place with it.

 

Second, the fear and guilt is what keeps a lot of us in bad marriages. But what do you ultimately want? Is it fair to everyone involved to stay in a sham marriage? What are you teaching your kids by staying with someone you aren't in love with?

 

My suggestion? Get your arse into IC right now AND dump the mistress.

[imtooconfused]

I am not in the situation that you are in, but what you have revealed is similar enough for me to understand where you are coming from. It really all comes down to one simple question...

 

1) Are you willing to live the rest of your life with simply a close friend? This means not looking for anything more on the side, giving up the affair and living the rest of your life with your wife. Anything other than an unequivocal YES means you have a very difficult change to make.

 

NOTE, I did not phrase the question as a choice between the wife and the affair partner, because I will assume that the affair with this particular person is temporary. Even if she leaves her husband she may find that you are not the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. As a result, like GuyInLimbo states, you should put the brakes on that relationship and take care to make the choice at home with a clear mind.

 

If you still think of your wife as a friend, it's not fair to her to have an affair, and it's not fair to your wife if you no longer wish to spend the rest of your life with her.

 

So, this means the other option in your choice is really about moving off on your own (versus staying married). Are you happier living with the rest of your life with a friend, or living alone with the probability that you won't meet Ms. Right for quite a while?

[JJLA]

First off, you need to call of your other relationship right now. No matter what, you won't end up in a good place with it.

 

Second, the fear and guilt is what keeps a lot of us in bad marriages. But what do you ultimately want? Is it fair to everyone involved to stay in a sham marriage? What are you teaching your kids by staying with someone you aren't in love with?

 

My suggestion? Get your arse into IC right now AND dump the mistress.

 

 

 

This is good advice. This is something you need to sort out, but sorting out while maintaining someone on the side is a bad idea.

[Steadfast]

I don't hate my wife, we actually get along quite well, but more like close friends. I didn't marry her because I felt she was the love of my life and I couldn't live without her. It was more of meeting her ultimatum to get married or move on. And I want to be married to someone because I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

 

You're making yourself out to be a liar now because you didn't have the stones to end it then? Factor in the children you now have and it'll be easy to understand why they'll feel like you wiped your feet all over their lives.

 

That's the old cheater's double-wammy.

 

Don't ask. Just go. Maybe your wife and family will find someone with some integrity.

[hayewils]

I've been involved in what I would call a 'passionless marriage' for quite some time - many years. As a result of that I've looked elsewhere to to find what's been missing in my life. I'm currently involved in an affair with a married woman (see my post in the OM/OW forum), and it's from discussing that situation that I realize I really just need to call it quits in my marriage.

 

But the whole idea of it REALLY SCARES ME, and I feel guilty about what it will do to my wife and family.

 

I don't want to look back years from now, wishing that I'd had the courage to move on years ago, feeling like I wasted my life when I could have had so much more.

 

But at the same time she's been a part of my life for so long that not having her in my life is scary, too.

 

I don't hate my wife, we actually get along quite well, but more like close friends. I didn't marry her because I felt she was the love of my life and I couldn't live without her. It was more of meeting her ultimatum to get married or move on. And I want to be married to someone because I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

 

For those of you that have gone through it, how did you deal with the fear and or guilt?

 

How did you finally get the courage to do it? What did you do leading up to it?

 

Thoughts and advice are greatly appreciated!

 

her ultimatum? Where was your man card that day?

married to someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.. that's called a marriage.

 

Feel like you wasted your life when you could have so much more?

This one crawls under my skin.. what is it that you want so much more of?

Money?

Sex? you've obviously substituted..

I cant stand when people go here.. A MARRIAGE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT!

 

you don't want to hurt your wife? then stop what your doing, and put the effort into reviving your passionless marriage.

 

you agreed to marry her, without your man card on you

you agreed to marriage for other reasons.. you obviously enjoyed her company..

 

what did you guys do that you enjoyed continuing to see her in those days?

 

Sometimes its wise to go backwards. meaning, go do those things that you two enjoyed doing together at the time. maybe not so similar, we as humans do grow away from doing the same thing... I hate eating ham sandwiches everyday. I change what my dogs eat weekly cause I feel their pain.

 

Obviously you guys did something that you two enjoyed each other enough..

 

but what you do, the first thing is to stop this relationship with this MARRIED woman... what would you really think if your wife was seeing big long john Schlong??

 

I think it would actually touch a nerve you never knew you had..

 

Go back to basics, try something new.. it just might re fire the passion in your passionless marriage..

 

I have never seen or heard of a marriage that was supposed to be easy, I think we all would be in one and this site would not exist.

 

marriages ARE work and I love hearing stories from folk who say, damn that was a rough period but we made it through. A+ to those guys!

 

I think there is love there, you just forgot you loved her..

 

but for better for worse DOES mean something..

 

its how you choose to handle it..

 

 

and for gods sake, find that man card.

 

Good luck to you

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Wayne:

 

But the whole idea of it REALLY SCARES ME, and I feel guilty about what it will do to my wife and family.

 

Do you really think that someone so obviously obsessed with his AP is a good husband or even father? Please Be honest, you've been checked out for a while now. How many family activities have you missed because MOW was suddenly available? How many would you be willing to miss? Birthdays? Christmas? Cause that's visitation...

 

Please at least give your wife some credit. I am sure some fabulous guy will snap her up and be more than happy to move not that house of yours and be a loving husband and step father to your kids. Lots of great Dads on this site would be glad to have the love of a good faithful woman.

 

I don't want to look back years from now, wishing that I'd had the courage to move on years ago, feeling like I wasted my life when I could have had so much more sex.

I edited for accuracy...right?

 

Say it to yourself...I am willing to give up my house, my wife, time with my children, holidays, to have sex with this woman when she is available to me, cause the sex trumps everything else. Say it over and over cause that's what you said in 11 pages.

 

But at the same time she's been a part of my life for so long that not having her in my life is scary, too.

 

I don't hate my wife, we actually get along quite well, but more like close friends. I didn't marry her because I felt she was the love of my life and I couldn't live without her. It was more of meeting her ultimatum to get married or move on. And I want to be married to someone because I want to spend the rest of my life with them.

 

For those of you that have gone through it, how did you deal with the fear and or guilt?

 

This doesn't sync with your other post where you said:

 

"my wife has been, and is capable of being, a viciously mean, spiteful, abusive person...Because she would literally destroy me."

 

What is it really? Is it that you are scared to make a decision? Scared to be left without a chair when the music stops, or scared your wife will make things ugly.

 

Because she likely will make it ugly...at first...

 

You are almost guaranteed to be alone since your MOW has told you she doesn't want to leave her marriage.

 

So it seems like you are scared to make a decision...but you did that when you posted on AM and fell in love with your MOW. YOu admitted to being careless and you are clearly under the lust drug (look up neurophysiology of love and loss).

 

I just think personally that you continue to be incredibly selfish...your wife deserves better than what you are willing to give her...so tell her the truth so she can move on.

[notsure660]

Oh my goodness. We are in the exact same boat. I, too, am in a marriage in that I want out but guilt is holding me here. Married for almost 19 years with two children, I feel compelled to stay. He is a good provider, great with kids, but is also controlling, selfish, and childish. He actually stormed out of our counseling session the other night because the counselor suggested that I need "some space" and mentioned a separation. My husband says I will be "abandoning my kids." It's a mess. I want out but have never been on my own. It's scary. Here is my advice for what's it's worth: never EVER leave a relationship to jump directly into another. Especially is your other love is married. It's like jumping from the loan into the fire. The other man I was involved with left me. Said he didnt want to be the reason my marriage failed. Had I been happy in my current state, I wouldn't have fallen in live with the other man. Having said that, I have to find myself first. I am devastated that he is gone, but I can't make him love or care for me. The married woman you're involved with may say she will leave, but until she has, you can't guarantee that. I see both sides to this. If you are truly unhappy, I say you should sever the marriage. But, before you do, evaluate the situation, without the other woman, and make sure it is really what you want. I am starting individual counseling to help me sort things out. You mat want to look into that, as well. Don't leave until all options have been visited. I hope this helped. I hope I can get through my mess soon, too. I haven't been happy for years. Soon I will live and truly love again...I hope. Good luck to you.

[Misfortune]

"Guilt" doesn't allow me to stop having my cake and eating it too <--- Cheaters motto. I'm so worried about his/her feelings, my kids, my family so I'll cheat instead and keep it a secret; they will love me so much for this and be happy I didn't physically leave. When it finally comes to light, I'll just let them know it's their fault I was too spineless to respect him/her, our vows, set a good example for kids, try to fix what's bothering me together or leave respectfully if the problems can't be fixed. I wish I could be as kind as cheaters. -_-

 

It always amazes me how people can find all of these "lovers/soulmates" while in a relationship but you can never find anyone when you're single. I guess the safety net gives people the confidence boost they need to attract others. "If this fails, my mate is still there. Go me!"

[Wayne696]

Oh my goodness. We are in the exact same boat.

 

Thanks for posting the words of encouragement. I've started going to counseling to try sort things out. We will see.

[amaysngrace]

It's not fear that keeps you married. If you were genuinely afraid of what you're doing to your family you'd never cheat on them.

 

You're putting yourself first and disregarding anybody else. That's called being selfish, not "afraid".

 

But if you want to call it "cowardly" then yes, I agree.

[Mint Sauce]

For those of you that have gone through it, how did you deal with the fear and or guilt?

No need to fear, you'll be ok on your own. It will take some time, but it will make you stronger, and you'll be happy again.

 

The guilt though... Took me the better part of 5 years to get a grip on that. You feel guilty now? Wait till you see your wife collapse... My heart still breaks thinking back to those times. At least she's happy now with her new husband.

[lost_but_trying]

I can understand this post from every angle. My husband married me, not for love, but because he felt it was his obligation since we had a child. Unfortunately, he kept this bit of information to himself for 10 years and kept giving me false hope that we could ever work out. In return, the little bit of hope made me completely change who I was to please him, not because he asked, but because I so desperately wanted to feel love from him. 4 kids later, after he went nuts and landed in a psych ward, he tells me that he never loved me enough to be the husband he knew I needed, but still wanted to stay.

So, at that point, I got caught up in an affair. I know, bright move. But getting the affection and passion from anyone at that point changed my whole world. It helped me move on from my marriage and end it, which my husband never had the balls to do because he "grew to love who I was and I'd always been an ideal wife and mother" so there was no reason for him to leave in his mind. Insted, he just neglected and ignored me and made me feel like a rejected peice of crap for the better part of a decade.

 

I lost myself and lost hope for love or happiness. It destroyed me. It still eats at me every single day. The man that I got involved with felt this same way about his GF of 20 yrs. He never married her, but stayed because he felt bad and she is a good woman. I had to stop seeing him because i have so much compassion for his wife because I know how she is feeling. Although, seeing it from his perspective did help me to forgive my husband for dragging it out for so long and not telling me the truth.

 

My advice, give your wife and yourself a chance at finding real love and a chance of happiness for your lives. Everyone deserves that and although you might feel like you are, you aren't doing her any favors by letting her believe that things are okay when they aren't. You are also hurting the other woman, even if she doesn't show it. It's excruciating to be in that position. Im trying to claw my way out of the mess right now myself.

 

Leaving can be done amicably if you are honest. It will lessen the blow. When I ended my marriage, I came clean, said I was going to have an affair and needed to be out of the marriage and listed my reasons.

 

I would suggest, tell the OW that you have to sort things out with your wife one way or another. Talk to your wife and get on the same page. Seperate, take time for yourself to figure out what you want out of life and marriage and act accordingly, either alone or with just one woman. It will be the best way to minimize pain for everyone involved.

 

Good luck.

[vla1120]

For some reason, I'm really pissed tonight. You know what? I'm your wife. I'm your wife who has been your friend for years. I have been there for you from day one. That time I was at work all night, supporting our family and our friends told me you spent the night drunk and dancing with another woman? I forgave you because you said it meant nothing. Was I cold to you for making a fool out of me in front of our friends? Yes. I was deeply hurt. Then there was the two-year affair with my best friend. How did I find out? Our 5-yr-old daughter told me when I got home late from work one night, while I was 7 months pregnant with your child. That was pure hell for me, but I stayed, for our family. Since then, you and I have pretty much lived together as friends. We get along fine. You don't treat me horrible, but you take me for granted horribly. I see how you look at me - or should I say DON'T look at me. I feel resentment at being nothing more than a roommate to you. Oh, but now I'm the vindictive, nasty witch. Do you think it's been easy for me not having the love and compassion of a man? And now you're bored with me and have found excitement elsewhere.

 

Well guess what? I can do better than you. Go on. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm a damn survivor!