"On Paper" Reasoning vs Emotions Discussion

[gizmo814]

Hi all,

 

So I'm chatting with some people in another thread and it made me realise that others might benefit greatly from one particular question. There's a point for a lot of people when you just start questioning everything, you think too much, you go around in circles, and you get stuck in thoughts vs emotions. And you just can't think clearly. This, inevitably, stops you making any kind of decision about moving forward. So the question is:-

 

What do you do when you know that, on paper, your ex really wasn't right for you, but your emotions keep pulling you towards them and make you want to fight for your old relationship, when you really know that it is wrong and you should move on?

 

Obviously people's reasoning of what is right for them or not is subjective - perhaps you have a list of deal-breakers or you just feel it.

 

I think it would be good to discuss what you have done, what you struggle with, what you would like to be able to do, and generally help each other with action plans.

 

It seems so obvious that if they aren't right for you on paper then you should just move on. Hopefully with a discussion we can help each other to do that!

[gizmo814]

For me, if someone were to come to me with that problem (it's so easy to give others advice but not be able to take your own!), I would say that their old relationship gives them certainty and significance, and they are scared of losing that comfort. But if they know the relationship didn't satisfy them in a lot of ways or make them feel happy in a lot ways, then they need to get that certainty and significance form somewhere else. Whether that be your job, starting a business, volunteering, etc. Generally, you can only get certainty within yourself and not from anyone else. So find comfort in who you are and that you don't need them to be comfortable.

 

You only feel attached to that person because you have a belief that they make you happy and they are the source of your happiness. So change your belief and realise that you decide what makes you happy and what doesn't. And also realise they didn't make you as happy is you would be with someone who didn't have a bunch of negatives you can write down on paper!

 

And then, next time you have the opportunity for a relationship with someone, have a list of deal-breakers (probably between 5 and 10 things) that you either really want or really don't want, and make yourself stick to it.