Female friend ignoring me. Should I confront her or do nothing?

[sadaggouri]

Hello everyone.

 

I have posted my story here a lot of times but I will sum it up for ya.

 

I am (or maybe was? IDK) very good friends with a girl (I'm a guy) for 6 months and we get really really close, really trusts me and treats me like a very good friend. Always talking to me online and I was always there for her. In fact, I had feelings for her since I ever saw her, but even though Ι was cursing for being in the friendzone and I was getting tired of listening to her guy problems , I really enjoyed it having her as a friend.

 

Fast forward on May where she finds out I lied to her for liking another girl instead of her, I begged and pleaded which is what pushed her away for approx. 2,5 months where she approached me and suggested we get back.

We talked on the phone for 4 hours and she got pretty emotional saying beautiful stuff like "I am so happy that I am back with you", "I don't want to lose you as my friend" and we really had fun. However, the next day she acts distant and I decided not to disturb her until my vacation approached which lasted for 3 weeks. Then again she contacts me and acts normally. We chatted for the whole day and while talking on the phone she again told me that I am very special to her and she doesn't want me to change. During the phone call I kinda joked about some sexual ideas she had about her BF.

 

Now here's the thing ; the next day morning she calls me for some minutes but then for the rest of the day she doesn't talk to me. I get pissed off and the next day where she sent me a Facebook message, I just don't answer it for 24 hours. This happened because I thought she was talking to me just out of boredom and I answered the next day. Pretty evil thing I know but I apologized for doing so. Then I tried to chat with her again but she was again distant. I then declared that when I joke about her sexual stuff I am just kidding and I do not underestimate her problems. She answered "Thanks :)".

 

Fast forward to yesterday where I talk to her but says she doesn't have any time to talk online because she just got in to arrange some stuff with friends and that we will talk at night. However, she was still online the whole time and we haven't talked until today.

 

So she pretty much ignores me. I don't really know what I should do. Wait for her to contact me without doing any confronting or just politely confront her and ask her why she acts to me like that and why she lied? The fact that we are considered to be good friends makes me wanna confront her but from the otherside I don't want to seem needy like I did the previous time where I begged.

 

It could be everything actually. She may got turned off by the way I acted towards her about the jokes and taking a day to answer. She maybe got bored of me, but this doesn't happen overnight right? Especially after hearing such words from her. Maybe she just uses me for when she's bored? Man , I have no idea.

 

What actions do you think I should take?

 

Really thank you for spending your valuable time reading this.

Edited August 27, 2013 by sadaggouri

[tart6245]

I have never figured out how to be friends with girls. I keep saying I will never do it again, but once in a while I end up befriending a girl again. I am in the camp that one day, one of you will get hurt. Let her come to you. The more we push girls, the more they run. It's maddening. I need to stop being friends with girls...

[sadaggouri]

I have never figured out how to be friends with girls. I keep saying I will never do it again, but once in a while I end up befriending a girl again. I am in the camp that one day, one of you will get hurt. Let her come to you. The more we push girls, the more they run. It's maddening. I need to stop being friends with girls...

Man, I can totally relate. I am the same really. I support the opinion of waiting her to approach me.. but I really cannot wait so much like I did the previous time..this time maybe she has taken her final decision and I would like to learn that early.. but I don't want to act needy you know, it's a very confusing time for me.

[todreaminblue]

Hello everyone.

 

 

 

I am (or maybe was? IDK) very good friends with a girl (I'm a guy) for 6 months and we get really really close, really trusts me and treats me like a very good friend.

 

so she really really trusts you

 

 

Fast forward on May where she finds out I lied to her for liking another girl instead of her, I begged and pleaded which is what pushed her away for approx. 2,5 months where she approached me and suggested we get back.

 

 

 

then she finds out you lie and are deceitful, some people find this offputting

 

 

 

What actions do you think I should take?

 

 

In my opinion everyone makes mistakes..so therefore if you want forgiveness you should forgive others.

 

 

one my number one rule to live by..so i hope she forgives you.......you can then pass it on to another who needs forgiveness from you

 

 

even though you lied for whatever reason...never really understood why people who tell someone they like someone else when they like the person they are telling they like someone else, seems like a riddle..liek a room of progressive mirrors and smoke screens ....liking someone isn't a riddle for the other person to unravel it is natural to happen....meant to be shared when you feel something..i get scared crap less i still tell.....just once at least ......straight up stuttering my butt off

 

I think you should understand you broke her trust........might take a "little" to get it back that little thing is time and patience.......so give her some time be patient and be truthful from now on.......its the best way

 

Really thank you for spending your valuable time reading this.

 

 

i think you are a sweet person to end your post this way....i wish you luck with the person you really like....smilin....hope it works out...i admire you for your efforts to be truthful with her ...that would have been very hard and worthy of respect shows too...you are actually honest, dont give up have hope ...hugs..deb

[tart6245]

Man, I can totally relate. I am the same really. I support the opinion of waiting her to approach me.. but I really cannot wait so much like I did the previous time..this time maybe she has taken her final decision and I would like to learn that early.. but I don't want to act needy you know, it's a very confusing time for me.

 

That is just what happens when men and women try to be "friends." Ultimately one of them develops feelings for the other and it gets confusing. Girls sometimes expect us guy friends to treat them like girlfriends which blurs the lines more and ends in disappointment.

 

But yeah, don't contact her. That's been my best advice all the time. Everytime you try, it makes them mad. Whenever I've gone on the offensive, I literally ruin anything I have with someone, like I did this weekend, and when I let them come to me, it usually works out.

 

It is really hard to wait, yes, but the alternative is just as stressful... it depends how you want it to end, really.

[sadaggouri]

Hello everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

so she really really trusts you

 

 

 

 

 

 

then she finds out you lie and are deceitful, some people find this offputting

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my opinion everyone makes mistakes..so therefore if you want forgiveness you should forgive others.

 

 

one my number one rule to live by..so i hope she forgives you.......you can then pass it on to another who needs forgiveness from you

 

 

even though you lied for whatever reason...never really understood why people who tell someone they like someone else when they like the person they are telling they like someone else, seems like a riddle..liek a room of progressive mirrors and smoke screens ....liking someone isn't a riddle for the other person to unravel it is natural to happen....meant to be shared when you feel something..i get scared crap less i still tell.....just once at least ......straight up stuttering my butt off

 

I think you should understand you broke her trust........might take a "little" to get it back that little thing is time and patience.......so give her some time be patient and be truthful from now on.......its the best way

 

 

 

 

i think you are a sweet person to end your post this way....i wish you luck with the person you really like....smilin....hope it works out...i admire you for your efforts to be truthful with her ...that would have been very hard and worthy of respect shows too...you are actually honest, dont give up have hope ...hugs..deb

Oh man really thank you for all the support you have showed to my other posts. Your advice is great.

 

Look though. I think that the phase where I regain her trust is over. She really really trusts me but it really gets on my nerves when she ignores me for some stupid stuff, as I mentioned in the OP.

 

It's just the fact she might contact me (if she does which I doubt since she has a BF) much later than the last time ; It might be never,too.

 

Despite all these, and as stupid as it might be heard, I won't stop dreaming. I am a realist and I know I cannot have her for the time being. But life is funny you know, unpredictable. You never know what's gonna happen.

 

Thank you for once more mate!

[DresdenKing]

Your big mistake was lying about the girl. You should have told her about this girl you like, she does the EXACT same thing with her guy problems! Everything is fine with her when she gets to use you as a shoulder to cry on and she know you want her while she fools around with other guys, but as soon as you get some attention from another girl she gets upset?? That is when you should call her out on it and have an honest conversation as to what you both mean to each other. You were never and are not currently exclusive or in a romantic relationship, so you shouldn't feel bad about "liking another girl". This hurts to hear because I know she's just using you and wants things entirely on her terms.

 

Word of advice, if you want her to be attracted to you and see you as more than just a friend to dump her problems on (Which I KNOW is not your ideal situation) then live your own life and stop feeling guilty about pursuing other girls. Pull back a little and stop doing everything on her terms. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

[sadaggouri]

It is really hard to wait, yes, but the alternative is just as stressful... it depends how you want it to end, really.

Words of wisdom. Especially when you are tempted to learn whether this will be permanent or not. Goddamit!

[todreaminblue]

Oh man really thank you for all the support you have showed to my other posts. Your advice is great.

 

Look though. I think that the phase where I regain her trust is over. She really really trusts me but it really gets on my nerves when she ignores me for some stupid stuff, as I mentioned in the OP.

 

It's just the fact she might contact me (if she does which I doubt since she has a BF) much later than the last time ; It might be never,too.

 

Despite all these, and as stupid as it might be heard, I won't stop dreaming. I am a realist and I know I cannot have her for the time being. But life is funny you know, unpredictable. You never know what's gonna happen.

 

Thank you for once more mate!

 

 

no worries bud........smilin

 

 

my point about the trust thing si this.....she may say she trusts you that she has forgiven you and she might have even forgiven you....but when you sow doubt in soemones heart by not being truthful, that doubt expresses itself in numerous ways or off behavior, being distant.......she is behaving differently to how it was before she found out you lied...isnt she?.

 

 

so now

 

 

even though you think its over......it isnt over yet........that is what my post meant....time and patience..............i am basing this on what i feel when i forgive someoen who has hurt me or lied to me...and yep many times i have said its ok, i understand .yep i forgive you............you can forgive you know its hard but you do it.....but forgetting......isnt something that happens...the affects of deceit and or hurting someone fade over time......with patience...forgetting isnt really an option.....the affect however does fade off.....this may not be her problem but it could very well be her problem

 

 

i dont know her i go on my own experiences to offer advice i base them firmly there............just keep it in mind.....and be patient.....see what happens......and be forgiving yoruself.even if it isnt hr problem about trust...her problem is unknown to you isnt it?...it wont hurt to be

1.patient.....

 

2.be forgiving....and

 

3.give it time.....

 

this are the perfect trinity of fool proof actions that are effective to most problems in any form of relationship that you can think of, they truly do work.....deb

[tart6245]

Words of wisdom. Especially when you are tempted to learn whether this will be permanent or not. Goddamit!

 

Yes, pursue it if you don't care if you have a future with this person or not. If it's clear you will never date them and that's what you want, then do whatever you want..

 

It may strain relations, but if the chances you ever got from them what you want were slim, then what does it matter?

[CC12]

Your big mistake was lying about the girl. You should have told her about this girl you like, she does the EXACT same thing with her guy problems! Everything is fine with her when she gets to use you as a shoulder to cry on and she know you want her while she fools around with other guys, but as soon as you get some attention from another girl she gets upset??

 

I'm not sure why OP didn't address this. The "girl he liked" was someone he made up, for some reason or another. He eventually confessed to his friend that there is no other girl and that he's actually in love with her (the friend.) She wasn't upset that he was dating other girls, she was upset because he lied and misrepresented himself.

 

 

 

I am (or maybe was? IDK) very good friends with a girl (I'm a guy) for 6 months and we get really really close, really trusts me and treats me like a very good friend.

 

I don't see how you can consider this a very good friendship. I do think that you might feel this is a special, close, trusting friendship. What I see is a pattern of her trying to get away from you. I do not know why she continues to reestablish communication with you. Whatever the reason, it's probably not healthy, for her or for you. You shouldn't be friends with her.

 

But just in the complete off chance that you totally disregard everything I said above, if you continue the friendship, you have to be less demanding of her time and contact. The level of communication in your OP seems very normal for a normal friendship. You're can't take it personally when she doesn't contact you for an entire day. You're just friends, right?

[sadaggouri]

I'm not sure why OP didn't address this. The "girl he liked" was someone he made up, for some reason or another. He eventually confessed to his friend that there is no other girl and that he's actually in love with her (the friend.) She wasn't upset that he was dating other girls, she was upset because he lied and misrepresented himself.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't see how you can consider this a very good friendship. I do think that you might feel this is a special, close, trusting friendship. What I see is a pattern of her trying to get away from you. I do not know why she continues to reestablish communication with you. Whatever the reason, it's probably not healthy, for her or for you. You shouldn't be friends with her.

 

But just in the complete off chance that you totally disregard everything I said above, if you continue the friendship, you have to be less demanding of her time and contact. The level of communication in your OP seems very normal for a normal friendship. You're can't take it personally when she doesn't contact you for an entire day. You're just friends, right?

Hello mate and thank you for your post.

 

Well , taking into consideration we agreed to be exactly like we were before I f***ed up everything, which was talking on a much more usual basis than this time, well then no it's not normal.

 

I really do want to learn the reason she lied to me (because she did as I told you) but I think I should wait a little bit longer. However, if I confront her I'm afraid she will perceive me as being needy and that might push her completely away.

Edited August 28, 2013 by sadaggouri

[CC12]

I really do want to learn the reason she lied to me (because she did as I told you)

 

What did she lie to you about?

[sadaggouri]

What did she lie to you about?

About being busy and that she cannot talk with me. She really wasn't, I've confirmed it. Of course, this is nothing to what I've said in the past, but it's still very bad.

[CC12]

About being busy and that she cannot talk with me. She really wasn't, I've confirmed it.

 

You confirmed that she wasn't busy? Okay. Maybe she wasn't busy. She just didn't want to talk to you for whatever reason. Is that not acceptable to you?

[sadaggouri]

You confirmed that she wasn't busy? Okay. Maybe she wasn't busy. She just didn't want to talk to you for whatever reason. Is that not acceptable to you?

Well uhm, since I asked her if I did something to her and she replied no, and since true friends are supposed to tell the truth to each other, it's very hard for me to accept it.

[CC12]

Well uhm, since I asked her if I did something to her and she replied no, it's very hard for me to accept it.

 

I hope you can someday get to a place where you can accept it.

 

Good luck to you.

[sadaggouri]

I hope you can someday get to a place where you can accept it.

 

Good luck to you.

Oh ok, thank you.

[sadaggouri]

 

 

no worries bud........smilin

 

 

my point about the trust thing si this.....she may say she trusts you that she has forgiven you and she might have even forgiven you....but when you sow doubt in soemones heart by not being truthful, that doubt expresses itself in numerous ways or off behavior, being distant.......she is behaving differently to how it was before she found out you lied...isnt she?.

 

 

so now

 

 

even though you think its over......it isnt over yet........that is what my post meant....time and patience..............i am basing this on what i feel when i forgive someoen who has hurt me or lied to me...and yep many times i have said its ok, i understand .yep i forgive you............you can forgive you know its hard but you do it.....but forgetting......isnt something that happens...the affects of deceit and or hurting someone fade over time......with patience...forgetting isnt really an option.....the affect however does fade off.....this may not be her problem but it could very well be her problem

 

 

i dont know her i go on my own experiences to offer advice i base them firmly there............just keep it in mind.....and be patient.....see what happens......and be forgiving yoruself.even if it isnt hr problem about trust...her problem is unknown to you isnt it?...it wont hurt to be

1.patient.....

 

2.be forgiving....and

 

3.give it time.....

 

this are the perfect trinity of fool proof actions that are effective to most problems in any form of relationship that you can think of, they truly do work.....deb

Thank you for once more, bud. I will try to follow your advice again, but I really do think it hasn't to do with that trust issue why she acts this way towards me. It could really be anything.

Edited August 28, 2013 by sadaggouri

[Onward_Upward]

My friend, I really feel for you... It is obvious that you are FIRMLY in the "friend zone" with this young woman. I understand your pain... as most men have been there at one time or another.

 

When your around the object of your affection (and unrequited love), you get feelings of giddiness and sheer joy mixed up with angst, worry and fear. You can feel it in the pit of your gut... It's uncomfortable, yet oddly, comforting at the same time.

 

It's a very strange feeling indeed.

 

But in order to see clearly, you need to understand the true dynamics of these kinds of relationships:

 

The bottom line is that you "love" her and ardently wish for the relationship to become more than just a "friendship". Whilst she merely "likes" you - possibly even "respects you" - but doesn't want anything more than what it is: a plain old "friendship".

 

Please understand that the vast majority of these cases do NOT end well... Nine times out of ten, things will not end in the love-fantasy the male hopes for; and eventually MOST of them get rejected, outright. Either this, or the man chooses to leave the arrangement for the sake of his own mental, and emotional, health

 

And here is the danger:

 

In cases where the female KNOWS that you are in love with her, things can become very much slanted in her favor. Because - in the end - the one who "loves" is blinded by that love, and will do anything for the target of their intended desire; whereas the one who does not love, feels little to no commitment (much less obligation) towards this other person, beyond the fleeting wants of any given moment.

 

This makes for a completely unfair, and unbalanced, relationship, wherein one party (usually the female) gets to demand the fulfillment of their emotional desires IF and WHEN it suits them, whilst the other party must sit back in a kind of emotional agony, and simply wait to be given permission ... Like a Supplicator before their Lord!

 

It is very sad, indeed. Pathetic actually...

 

The reality is that the female in this arrangement often ends up using the "guy-friend", and sucking him dry. And not in the way he secretly desires!

 

She'll cry on his shoulder when some other guy doesn't want her sexually, or she'll tell him all about her latest "love affair", and perhaps - if she's cruel and selfish enough - she'll even tell him what they do in bed together! The poor guy though, will listen to every word shes says, and even offer her emotional comfort ... Why? Because he ADORES her. And in this way, he becomes a kind of prisoner.

 

My friend, why would you want to become someone else's emotional crutch? It's one thing to listen to a lover's problems, because at least then, you are on an equal footing with them... But it is another thing entirely to become an emotional "wastebin" to someone who has made it clear that they can never "love" you.

 

It is an absolutely futile situation to be in.

 

-

 

I know you won't want to hear this, but it's time to MOVE ON. Stop wasting your emotional energy on something that will - in all likelihood - come to nought.

 

Once a woman has put you into her "friend zone", it is extremely difficult to remove yourself from it. You have become asexual in her mind... someone who is "off-limits" sexually, like a brother, or an uncle. You are as NON-erogenous to her, as the sole of her foot is; a sexual-NOBODY. In reality, you might as well be a eunuch! Because she will never see you as anything more than just one of her "guy-friends".

 

Have some self-respect: Invest your love, time and compassion in someone who genuinely appreciates it. Even better, invest it in someone who will RETURN the honor, in spades.

[tart6245]

This is nothing more than a typical ending to a guy girl friendship, as was my situation. Please just move on, as I am. Yes, it hurts. It hurts now to lose someone who we cared for, but the feelings were not mutual between us and the girls obviously.

 

When you are friend zoned that is all you ever will be, she will view you as just another one of the girls, use you for all your worth and toss you aside when a guy she wants comes along. You don't want to be around someone like that, trust me.

 

If you stick around now, you will just open yourself up to more heartache in the future, because these types of arrangements rarely lead to anything substantial. It's cruel and selfish, but that's the way women work. Do you want that feeling you get to come when she's talking about other guys? What she does with them? I don't think so.

 

This is just another failed girl guy friendship. They always fail eventually.

[sadaggouri]

Guys thank you for you very detailed answers. But there's one thing I haven't mentioned ; yes I know I have hit the rock bottom of friendzone. I know you will say this is an unhealthy. But I really prefer being her friend than not having her at all.

 

The problem is, even though we both agreed to stay friends, exactly as we were before (she was the one making the suggestion almost after 3 mos. of NC) we haven't achieved doing so, even though she said that she needs a true friend like me and other pretty emotional stuff. And now out of nowhere for once more, she doesn't want to talk to me. It's not that I'm posting here to get out of the friendzone. This is very hard to do but wouldn't say it's impossible.

 

Τhe reason why I'm here, is because I really don't know what she wants. And I don't know if I should confront her or just wait. Cause there are days where she acts like a normal friend and the next ones like we never talked before.

[tart6245]

Guys thank you for you very detailed answers. But there's one thing I haven't mentioned ; yes I know I have hit the rock bottom of friendzone. I know you will say this is an unhealthy. But I really prefer being her friend than not having her at all.

 

The problem is, even though we both agreed to stay friends, exactly as we were before (she was the one making the suggestion almost after 3 mos. of NC) we haven't achieved doing so, even though she said that she needs a true friend like me and other pretty emotional stuff. And now out of nowhere for once more, she doesn't want to talk to me. It's not that I'm posting here to get out of the friendzone. This is very hard to do but wouldn't say it's impossible.

 

Τhe reason why I'm here, is because I really don't know what she wants. And I don't know if I should confront her or just wait. Cause there are days where she acts like a normal friend and the next ones like we never talked before.

 

And you'll likely never figure out what she wants, because she doesn't even know what she wants.

 

The girl I was seeing literally would hang out with me during the weekends and all summer, yet when school started and she had a one night stand, before I even learned of it, she would ignore me like she didn't know who I was. We'd go to class together and she'd leave the class and say not one word to me.

 

There's no use trying to figure it out. Move on. Save yourself from any further heartache. I can promise you she will never want to date you. You'll always be someone she will use on occasion until she finds the next guy she wants to see. Then you'll take a backseat, only to be offered another chance at her time when he leaves her. And the vicious cycle will repeat itself...

[sadaggouri]

And you'll likely never figure out what she wants, because she doesn't even know what she wants.

 

The girl I was seeing literally would hang out with me during the weekends and all summer, yet when school started and she had a one night stand, before I even learned of it, she would ignore me like she didn't know who I was. We'd go to class together and she'd leave the class and say not one word to me.

 

There's no use trying to figure it out. Move on. Save yourself from any further heartache. I can promise you she will never want to date you. You'll always be someone she will use on occasion until she finds the next guy she wants to see. Then you'll take a backseat, only to be offered another chance at her time when he leaves her. And the vicious cycle will repeat itself...

Dude, sorry for insisting but I do not target dating her now, and she knows that. And she knew from the first day we met that I hadn't such intetions. I acted pretty well I must say.

 

Besides, I always had the opinion that if you be nice and comfrotable to girls , they would appreciate it ; of course I was terribly wrong. In actuality however, sometimes I think everything would have been briliant in terms of our friendship. I plan on waiting some weeks and then confronting her and tell her if she really wants us to be friends or not.

 

Once again , thank you for your fast reply.

Edited August 29, 2013 by sadaggouri

[sadaggouri]

Guys I'm sorry for this childish and pointless post I will make but I know that it's just god-damn Facebook and nothing of it doesn't really count in real life. But today she uploaded a status where it really confused me. She never actually uploads such statuses and stuff.

We have people beside us who never expected that there will be, so we must not take anyone for granted.

In other words, this is some total **** that I am over-reading at, or she does not realise she has completely cut me off? I don't know.